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the daily mash politics society relationships lifestyle sport premium video shop friday 29th march 2024 subscribe sign in sign out my account politics society relationships lifestyle sport premium video shop children at state schools fling dung for a living my nice children deserve better if your child attends a comprehensive school you have given up on them you have decided hosing shit off roads for a job is all they can aspire to and i respect that filling in forms correctly is woke says laurence fox six knobheads that will never reply to your message are you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press send no because you re contacting one of these feckless bastards king lays groundwork for scabbing a tenner the king s call for kindness is a pretext for asking everyone to lend him ten pounds it has emerged business thames water also full of shit thames water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into analysts have advised celebrity john lennon and other celebrities who would be nightmare boomers if they were alive today can you imagine the famously gobby john lennon if he had been let loose on twitter here are more dead celebs who would have trashed their legacy by now if they were still with us arts entertainment suck it till your hymen pops subtle clues that p diddy had unsavoury views toward women sean diddy combs is facing serious accusations including holding sex trafficking parties but was there already reason to suspect he might not be a staunch defender of women science technology retro gaming console offers amazing opportunity to play something shit environment we ask you how are you celebrating raw sewage spills doubling in a year britain s water companies have spilled record amounts of raw sewage into our rivers and seas proving the doubters wrong how are you thanking them premium man unsure if he had nice evening or was just drunk a man is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed it has emerged lifestyle man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose a man is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose it has emerged sign up now to get free headlines email every weekday subscribe privacy politics in a minute waspi ladies i m annoyed at a football kit says starmer keir starmer has told waspi campaigners to bear with him because he is currently annoyed about a little flag why owen jones is leaving labour by someone unfortunate enough to sit next to him on a train yeah that owen jones writes for the guardian he s leaving labour i know because i was on a table seat with him stockport to london never f king shut up obama pops into downing street to return breaking bad dvds former us president barack obama swung by number 10 yesterday to drop off the breaking bad dvds he borrowed during his time in office let s finish with a sexy prime minister say tories right wing conservative mps are secretly plotting to make penny mordaunt leader so the party can go out on a sexy high it has emerged gove accidentally names diane abbott as banned extremist group six ways in which the tories qualify as extremists under their own laws michael gove better known as the government has redefined extremism so he can ban any political group he dislikes including the tories on the following grounds arts entertainment bookshelf now source of more guilt than pleasure britons have admitted that their shelves are stuffed full of books they have bought but will not read because watching telly is easier society we ask you generation z are less happy than their elders is it their own fault a new survey shows generation z in the us and europe are significantly less happy than older generations how can we cheer them up parents of aspirational son delighted to be yardstick he measures success against an upwardly mobile man s parents just love providing a contrast between his humble origins and what he has achieved in life the wurzels you bet on the telly or paparazzi upskirters which britain do you want back malcontents often say they want their country back but the question is which one there are plenty of britains to choose from if you don t get bogged down in inconvenient reality no seriously what the f k s going on with kate asks britain a now quite worried britain has requested everyone stop pissing about and explain what actually has happened to the princess of wales benefits fine when middle class parents get them financial handouts are entirely acceptable when middle class parents earning up to 60 000 receive them it has emerged colin firth in a wet shirt seven wanks that have been approved by society colin firth s shirt from pride and prejudice has been auctioned for 25 000 which is a lot for a very predictable wank fantasy here are some more that are tediously socially acceptable food papa john s and other chains with too much american bollocks for britain pizza chain papa john s is closing a tenth of its outlets in the uk and the twee american name must surely have something to do with it here are some more with too much colonial nonsense lifestyle bald man secretly wishes he still had hair a bald man has admitted that though nobody would ever suspect it he would actually prefer to have hair massive gold nugget to be made into tawdry crap how to recover from a devastatingly accurate insult from a seven year old children say the cruelest funniest things directly to you in front of a roomful of people like where s your hair gone uncle simon here s how to laugh it off friend can remember your grebo phase your friend remembers that you used to have long greasy hair and listened to ned s atomic dustbin and has the photos to prove it british son f ked again by us mother s day mix up a british man has once again been f ked over by google s assertion that mother s day falls in may five reasons hotel room wanks are better than regular wanks wanking is the best human experience possible but did you know it feels even better in a hotel room here s why arts entertainment bbc to exempt woke households from licence fee sport new england football kit has i am ashamed to be english under collar people who don t follow football still under impression man united are amazing manchester united s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world class team it has emerged harry styles dating ross barkley newborn in liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter a tiny baby in a liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies we ask you how will football s new blue cards unfairly punish your club football is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work the fa just really likes the colour how would you use them robbie williams confirms c list status with bid for port vale international north korean tv shows alan titchmarsh naked from the waist down science technology there never was a kate palace admits buckingham palace has admitted that no such person as kate middleton ever existed outside of digital imaging software a single initial and other twatty ways to sign off an email signing off an email is a minefield in which you re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot here are some of the twattiest sign offs to avoid dad s photo memories just pictures of meter readings and wifi passwords a heart warming montage of recent images created by a father s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and wi fi router codes six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media sex like justice must not only be done but be seen to be done but when signalling to friends family and work colleagues from 2008 that you ve recently done it be subtle still nothing here reports us moon lander the first us craft to land on the moon for 50 years has reported that it is still a big dusty rock of little interest to anyone clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth it is only a matter of hours until a man s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable he has admitted premium hard fi and other bands that failed to make being working class look good for every act that conveyed their modest backgrounds with aplomb some bands fetishised them to the point of embarrassment like these arts entertainment gen z teen confused by strong male character a male teenager has been left confused by a film in which a man faces challenges like fist fights that are traditionally left to female characters victoria beckham s out of your mind and other songs that don t deserve a saltburn style comeback a rash of 20 year old tracks such as murder on the dancefloor and natasha bedingfield s unwritten are in the charts again but which should remain firmly in the early 2000s is this married father of two too gay to be the new james bond a mail investigation aaron taylor johnson is hotly tipped to be the next james bond but has the talented hunk with industry connections got what it takes to be 007 the daily mail investigates new banksy mocks concept of banksy middle aged 6music listener who spent 720 on glastonbury tickets fine with it in the summertime and other massive songs written quicker than your toilet break these tracks were famously shat out in mere minutes less time than you frequently spend in the bog so feel more inadequate than usual on the toilet today politics quick war with china to clinch election decides government the government has decided to engage in a quick war with china to gain public support ahead of the election it has emerged business rail replacement buses and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for because we value our customers we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised say businesses and the f kers get away with it dogs welcome only refers to middle class dogs businesses clarify businesses displaying dogs welcome signs have clarified that they only mean nice well behaved and well groomed middle class dogs whose owners spend money pay up or the turds start coming out of the taps say water companies water companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps michelle mone s frozen assets a guide 75m of baroness mone s assets have been frozen these are just a few of them storm causes ryanair flight to land near actual destination the post office and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating every big company in the uk has a wanky slogan even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil post office here are some suggestions for updating them celebrity beckham family all sleep in the same bed like charlie bucket the extended beckham family all sleep together head to toe in an enormous bed it has been revealed work emergency plumber drunk on godlike power an emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than zeus he has confirmed i hate my life says only honest person on linkedin the only honest profile on linkedin has shared that he hates his job boss and life and could not give a free form f k about his employer s strategic vision six things that f k over your chances of getting out of work on time hoping to finish work bang on time for once no chance one of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over man who just went on linkedin still feels dirty a man who went on linkedin for five minutes is consumed with self loathing after hitting like on several posts of tedious self promotional bullshit young people off work sick because they ve discovered it s an option six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches any other business ready for this tedious pointless meeting to end so you can get the f k out of there not so fast these six arseholes will always have something to add politics let s forget about all those vote leave signs in fields eh by a farmer we farmers are left with no choice but to protest at cheap low quality imports threatening our livelihoods we ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it except that thing in 2016 alcohol lads pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named a group of lads out for an all day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football based banter pre drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking a group of friends meeting for pre drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking night out with mates disappointingly good in the end a man who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers weekend hangovers are bad enough but they ve got nothing on ones during the working week here s why you ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night seven unpleasant truths you ll have to confront in dry january dry january lasts just one month but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence woman who drinks shitloads of wine surprisingly unknowledgeable about it a woman who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red white and pink varieties premium what kind of infidelity is right for you asks the mash sex columnist you re bored you re living a lie and you re interested in seeing what the young people are doing with their public hair these days all valid reasons for having an affair about advertise terms conditions privacy policy privacy settings push notifications 2024 digitalbox publishing ltd
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