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the daily mash politics society relationships lifestyle sport premium video shop thursday 18th april 2024 subscribe sign in sign out my account politics society relationships lifestyle sport premium video shop inflation plummets if your diet is 90 per cent meat we ask you will you go in the shop and buy a 34 year old cigarettes in two decades time outside the newsagent in the year 2044 lurk two men in their early thirties they hold up a 40 note and ask you to get them a packet of silk cut will you woman incorrectly believes she could have back up career on onlyfans a woman mistakenly believes that she could make a fortune on onlyfans if she were to compromise her morals enough to sign up hannah fry and the other top candidates to be the thinking man s crumpet randy intellectual types are on the lookout for a new muse now rachel riley has disgraced herself these are the top candidates in the line of succession lifestyle man who can t grow beard not letting that stop him a man who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as bearded it has emerged arts entertainment nicola peltz and other celebs so talentless going out with them would be a minefield nicola peltz heiress and wife of brooklyn beckham has had her vanity project film utterly demolished by critics so if you were the partner of a no talent celeb how would you avoid the issue international you can pay no attention to the middle east and it makes no difference study finds health long term sickness is it as fun as the media make it sound more than 2 8 million britons are living it up by being too ill to work instead revelling in long lazy days untroubled by responsibility but is there a downside politics we will give every child a pack of fags on their 15th birthday says labour the opposition has defied the government s smoking ban by pledging to give every child a pack of 20 cigarettes on their 15th birthday society how to absolutely comprehensively lose your shit if your child doesn t get their first choice primary school your child has been condemned to educational subnormality and a career washing wheelie bins by being denied their first choice primary how should you freak out relationships girlfriend marks territory by leaving hair bobbles around boyfriend s flat a man s new girlfriend is asserting her presences and scaring away rivals by leaving hair ties in every room of his home sign up now to get free headlines email every weekday subscribe privacy politics rayner tax controversy labour deputy leader unable to resist bragging about her lucrative petty scams oh what like you ve never sent a hostile foreign power nudes says tory mp conservative mp william wragg has told people judging him for sending nudes to a foreign agent they have undoubtedly done the same or worse themselves new year s eve and five other times in 2024 that would be best for sunak to call an election could a cleverly chosen date for the election swing it for rishi sunak it s unlikely he s got any other brilliant strategies so here are some days he should keep in mind scottish police to look like dicks either way scottish police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest jk rowling and limp little willys if they do not we ask you when should rishi sunak get his arse kicked at a general election the prime minister has been accused of chickening out of calling a general election by labour when should he go to the country and lose filling in forms correctly is woke says laurence fox celebrity rachel riley s favourite things to tweet about despite not knowing all the facts hi i m attractive famous and went to oxford so i can do no wrong even when making wild and it transpires incorrect assumptions in tweets i also opine on these subjects society we ask you how dangerously triggered are you by foreigners doing benefit fraud a bulgarian criminal gang has stolen a record 53 9 million with fake universal credit claims over four years so how unfeasibly angry does it make you and should you call an ambulance pothole given listed status a council has granted a local pothole listed status in order to preserve it for future generations to enjoy it has emerged lancashire still trying to pretend it has yorkshire levels of identity lancashire is still attempting to convince people it has the same cultural clout as its geographical neighbour and bitter rival it has emerged we ask you who are you making a hate crime complaint about scots holding grudges are rushing to make hate crime complaints under new laws who are you reporting to the authorities badgers still unable to cross a f king road badgers remain utterly incapable of crossing roads while avoiding oncoming traffic anyone who drove through a rural area over the weekend has confirmed atheists unable to explain how evolution could make egg laying bunny atheists who reject religious doctrine have admitted nothing in their precious science can provide an explanation for the existence of the easter bunny premium mash blind date will donald trump and his lawyer trying to shut him the f k up find their happy place can donald trump and his own lawyer who is desperately trying to stop him committing further crimes while on trial for crimes meet in body and soul lifestyle what to do with your adidas sambas now sunak has made them uncool how to be shit at gossiping by a man does the minutiae of people s personal lives somehow fail to grip you it might be because you re a man here martin bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle tattle couple conceive second child as long term investment to stop first one hassling them a couple are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one they have confirmed seven magical family days out by rail you ll spend at euston station after a chaotic bank holiday weekend euston was at a standstill again yesterday but network rail keeps urging us to have family days out by train so here are some great places you won t get to the females don their cock deely boppers for the ritual to commence sir david attenborough narrates a hen party naturalist naturist and national treasure sir david attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and feral rituals of the hen party six knobheads that will never reply to your message are you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press send no because you re contacting one of these feckless bastards arts entertainment america rightly indifferent to blur sport we ask you is it time to kick out england s most successful manager since 1966 for being shit gareth southgate the most successful england manager since alf ramsey is a miserable failure who lost his country two euros and a world cup time for him to go new england football kit has i am ashamed to be english under collar people who don t follow football still under impression man united are amazing manchester united s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world class team it has emerged harry styles dating ross barkley newborn in liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter a tiny baby in a liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies we ask you how will football s new blue cards unfairly punish your club football is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work the fa just really likes the colour how would you use them society five reasons your thirties are better than your twenties if you re in denial attempting to convince yourself physical decline burdensome responsibilities and heightened stress are a good thing here s why you re so glad to be in your thirties science technology i ve always hated you what your friend said in their deleted whatsapp message whatsapp loves shit stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message here s a reasonable guess at what they said retro gaming console offers amazing opportunity to play something shit there never was a kate palace admits buckingham palace has admitted that no such person as kate middleton ever existed outside of digital imaging software a single initial and other twatty ways to sign off an email signing off an email is a minefield in which you re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot here are some of the twattiest sign offs to avoid dad s photo memories just pictures of meter readings and wifi passwords a heart warming montage of recent images created by a father s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and wi fi router codes six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media sex like justice must not only be done but be seen to be done but when signalling to friends family and work colleagues from 2008 that you ve recently done it be subtle food gelato just ice cream for wankers study finds a new study has found there are no substantial differences between ice cream and gelato other than the latter is consumed by knobheads arts entertainment juliet is white in the film the racist moron s guide to shakespeare a new production of romeo and juliet featuring a black actress as juliet has attracted racist abuse here bigot roy hobbs explains why the bard wasn t woke joaquin phoenix s joker really speaks to my sense of not having sex by martin bishop joker really spoke to young men like me my generation faces economic uncertainty the end of traditional gender roles and the possibility of having to hollow out a melon to have something a bit like sex how do you spell cheugy the new piss easy gen z version of scrabble the makers of scrabble have launched a new version which is less competitive for generation z this sounds like bollocks so what can fans of the tiresome board game expect lost rave tribe found beneath hacienda a semi mythical group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at manchester s legendary hacienda amanda holden and other celebs we re fine with keeping their clothes on yesterday amanda holden got naked on heart fm proving you can have too much of a good thing and if these celebs want to try wearing clothes for a change we re cool with that porn ruined by surprise brummie accent an otherwise enjoyable online sex clip has been ruined by the sudden and unexpected sound of a birmingham accent it has emerged politics ten years to clear up my f king mess liz truss s new book rewritten by the electorate 49 day prime minister liz truss has released a new book detailing her plan to save the world britain has notes business all tips go directly to our ceo restaurant chain promises thames water to be owned by china just as thatcher wanted post office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps bad weather and the decline of the arctic monkeys the post office has announced that counterfeit stamps heavy rain and the arctic monkeys recent loungecore albums are all postmasters fault pre loved sounds like someone s f ked it agrees everyone thames water also full of shit thames water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into analysts have advised rail replacement buses and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for because we value our customers we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised say businesses and the f kers get away with it lifestyle female record shop employee under pressure to be attractive in alternative way a woman working in an independent record shop is feeling pressured to be extremely attractive in a quirky and unconventional way she has confirmed work trip to office printer like a little holiday walking to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the lake district it has been confirmed workplace safety assessment finds main hazard being around twats all day workplace safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing britons is being around twats all day emergency plumber drunk on godlike power an emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than zeus he has confirmed i hate my life says only honest person on linkedin the only honest profile on linkedin has shared that he hates his job boss and life and could not give a free form f k about his employer s strategic vision six things that f k over your chances of getting out of work on time hoping to finish work bang on time for once no chance one of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over man who just went on linkedin still feels dirty a man who went on linkedin for five minutes is consumed with self loathing after hitting like on several posts of tedious self promotional bullshit work guru wizard rock star six suffixes to your job title that make it clear you re a twat to stand out in the job market why not impress on employers that you re a first class prick with your job title alone any of these should do it alcohol the sordid details of your sex life things you ll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed drinking sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down and also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions every type of british person able to afford to drink every day income age race and class have proved no obstacle to any british citizen s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to lads pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named a group of lads out for an all day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football based banter pre drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking a group of friends meeting for pre drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking night out with mates disappointingly good in the end a man who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers weekend hangovers are bad enough but they ve got nothing on ones during the working week here s why you ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night premium your astrological week ahead for april 13th with psychic bob ant and dec aren t actually from newcastle they re putting it on ant is jamaican and dec is mute about advertise terms conditions privacy policy privacy settings push notifications 2024 digitalbox publishing ltd
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