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Text of the page (random words):
ly have lost an arm as opposed to erroneously thinking that arm is just busy carrying something else right now sometimes it feels like that stuff that burden is all i have left of him realistically the heaviness of his loss has nothing to do with who he was or our life together the burden is about what it feels like now that he is gone it s about the trauma and figuring out how to cope someday i want to lay that down if i actually have a choice i do believe in healing of some sort i don t know what it looks like or feels like exactly and i think it is as imperceptible as the aging of our skin one day in our 40s we look at ourselves closely in a mirror and realize that the skin of our youth is gone so as my inner skin heals from the loss of bill forever i will look different changed hopefully i will have lines not from frowning or bitterness but rather from smiling and laughing and remembering and from tears that have etched themselves on a slate meant for all types of memories and emotions so maybe healing is in the aging not the coping and in how much we allow ourselves to laugh and to cry the crying is the laying down of the burden the letting go the laughing is the lightness we feel afterward it is the healing that is my guess unlike my sister widow i believe that healing happens in moments between moments between moments every day as imperceptible as the aging of my skin someday i will see lines of wisdom and healing among the lines of my grief and i will know that the wisdom and healing came from a willingness to lay down my burden of loss moment between moment memory by memory even when it felt like i had to cut off my arm to do so posted by andi at 8 07 am 2 comments saturday july 26 2008 a journey to remember long here is my 2007 christmas letter for bill s and my family what a year i ve made it through one year we all have and i feel that bill s spirit has been with me every step of the way he told me that first night after he died that i would be okay and i believe him you have also been with me through your phone calls help around the house cards and prayers thank you so much for your support it is impossible for me to express how much it has meant to me this past year has been about survival grief and remembrance i had the privilege of remembering and honoring bill in a special way i traced paths he took when he felt most alive paths he rode walked hiked and drove it was in visiting these places that my grief found places to cry to be angry to remember to question to seek answers to surrender to rest and to heal before bill died he gave me a beautiful gift not knowing his fate the next day he told me where he wanted his ashes to be scattered in the past we had discussed places such as mendocino ca and ouray co that night he said i know exactly where i want my ashes i want them wedged between two rocks above torrey utah and so one of my goals this last year was to make that happen before i made it to torrey though i needed to take a journey of my own this first year without bill has been a journey to remember a journey to remember a person a husband a friend a cyclist a son a brother an uncle a nephew whose life had more impact than he could ever have imagined it has been a search for healing with each place i visited i realized as i left he s not here either as if i really expected to find him early on i learned that logically knowing he is gone is not the same as accepting the finality of him being gone i will never understand it completely i don t catch myself thinking that he s just on a ride and he ll be home soon anymore but every day i wish it were true my first challenges after the memorial included facing the firsts nearby such as trader joes rei the dog park bike rides and my own backyard which many of you have helped me to deal with in some way or another laying kenu to rest next to yana felt like more than i could bear i felt very angry and alone when i realized that the family i nurtured and cared for the last 15 years were all gone all of them next came finances and other administrative tasks which still bog me down in march i went to vancouver and then to san diego and thousand oaks all places laden with memories of bill and me as a couple among the most difficult were visiting our first home and walking the trail by the beach in del mar while on the trail i suddenly realized that in that very spot was where we met our first ridgeback i cried an ocean i remembered how we called a few breeders that night and finally found one that had puppies available and then the landslide of memories began bringing home the puppies vomit in the jeep accidents in the house and thousands of dollars worth of destruction and vet bills it was all so worth it chico has been a revolving challenge i look forward to family but the memories are raw and jolting since i am not living with them every day watching the children remember bill as they deal with their own grief has given me a lot of strength each time i visit i find another memory to confront eventually it will become a softer place for me in june i decided that i needed to drive the terrible two course the day of the ride to my surprise the ride organizer talked about bill for a while before the ride began at 5 30am three riders rode in bill s honor rob from berkeley bryce from chico and brett from scottsdale they all carried one of bill s old numbers from previous rides and a small vial of ashes rob scattered bill s ashes at the top of ft ross the most difficult climb of the day he sent me a moving email of what it meant to remember bill in that way i was told by an organizer that many riders were inspired by seeing my car on the route with bill s number on the back if bill had ridden that day he would ve held the record of 15 consecutive rides several riders came up to me throughout the day to extend their condolences which felt really good because most people i came into contact with avoided the topic at this point on the route of the terrible two i scattered some of bill s ashes for the first time i chose an area overlooking the ocean near the base of the ft ross climb i wanted to yell at everybody to stop whatever they were doing including the drivers whizzing by so that they could take part in the moment but i have learned that grief is not a group activity tears stung my eyes for the remaining 50 miles the ride organizer gave me a coveted t shirt something i will always treasure at the end of the day i was emotionally spent but i earned a strength that has carried me through many challenges since then by september i had given up the idea of going to torrey because no one in the family was able to go with me but then i realized it was essential to my grieving process it ended up being a blessing that i went with just one person my friend carla a nurse in san diego was able to go with me at the last minute she drove for me a couple of times over the few days we were there when the emotional load became too heavy she was there from a distance and for hugs she listened and cried with me bill was her friend too we also enjoyed the scenery laughed a lot and enjoyed delicious dinners at café diablo even though i rarely eat beef i ordered bill s favorite dish the flank steak with pomme frites all presented artistically as if we were at a fine restaurant in san francisco below is an excerpt from my journal about preparing for the trip suddenly i realize that i have to pack ashes in what how much i reach for the burgundy plastic container containing an entire person forgetting how heavy it was i almost drop it i look for something to carry the ashes in and finally settle on the wooden box that bill made for me with the life is a journey character engraved on it as i scoop his ashes into a ziploc baggie with a measuring cup i cannot help but think that he would approve of my using a baking utensil to scoop his ashes but then i realize that i am scooping ashes a person a life no not a life just bones remains his life lives on in his legacy in our memories but still i am sad that i am scooping my husband into a baggie i put just enough in the baggie so that it still fits in the box and then i place a guitar pick into the box which i will leave at the site i know exactly where i am going the place where he talked about being wedged between two rocks actually i chose to scatter ashes in two places near torrey even though the vista i chose along chimney rock trail is not overlooking torrey it is the first place that came to mind when bill told me where he wanted his ashes to be scattered as if a foreshadowing the previous summer i took a few pictures of bill taking in the awesome view and another of him sitting on two rocks with the view in the background i had no idea how significant that place would become this time the view was the same but my experience was very different as i cried took pictures scattered ashes and cried some more i tried to reconcile the conflict inside between logic and longing fear and hope anger and acceptance pain and healing i still have not found the words to aptly describe that moment surreal is overused and understates my experience so i hope the pictures convey some of the meaning to you below is an excerpt from my journal about that moment i hike toward the vista with purpose yet pause to take pictures as i go a documentation of the journey proof that i did it a story all its own taking the pictures is somewhat meditative for me and distracts me from some of the crushing emotions that surface every few minutes i need to feel but i also need to function the camera is a barrier between me and the landscape the memories and the last time i visited here with bill without completely disconnecting me from my emotions as i approach the place i had in my mind as the perfect place to scatter his ashes everything begins to feel like it is in slow motion all is quiet not because of my mind shutting out reality but because it is really just so very quiet and still we haven t seen anyone else on the trail so far it is just like i remembered an expansive view a view that overwhelmed bill as he stood on the edge hands clasped behind his head that day i could almost feel his thoughts about how beautiful it was how awesome how it moved him to want a different life away from the city it was sadness and awe and understanding all at once it was joy and gratitude that we could experience this sacred place together soon the exact spot where i want to scatter his ashes comes into view i see the weather beaten tree jutting out between two rectangular shaped rocks as red as their surroundings as i approach i feel like everything i have been protecting myself from emotionally up to this point on the trail is now a boulder between me and the two rocks i climb the boulder in my mind and as i reach out to touch the rocks where he once sat my body collapses into a heap of tears i kneel at this altar created just for this moment my only offering my grief i cling to the rocks as if i expect them to come alive or to quench my thirst for missing him but this is the desert and no one chooses where to get their water no one chooses grief either water rain it all comes from where it will when it will right now my only water is this view and this tree between these two rocks i guard them as if they are precious stones i continue to kneel in silence in anger in sadness in hope that someday i will be stronger than the sum of my loss patiently i wait and listen for my heart to tell me what to do next i had a similar but less intense experience the next day when i scattered bill s ashes between two rocks above torrey sketchy directions from townspeople to the velvet ridge put us on a very rutted dirt road wash which had been miserable on a mountain bike due to the sand last summer it was doable in the suv i was renting no offroading allowed until a creek crossing dashed my confidence bill s safety sirens went off in my head and i pulled to the side of the wash we got out of the car and surveyed the bluff directly above us i was pretty sure that we would be able to get a view of torrey from the other side but there was no visible trail it was late in the afternoon and our options were narrowing so we decided to traverse the side of the bluff there were enough boulders and footholds among the shale like rock so that it appeared to be fairly safe when we reached the plateau we paid little attention to the breathtaking scenery we hiked in the direction of torrey for about 15 minutes and finally reached a vista overlooking the valley and torrey below is my journal entry of this experience relief gently washes through me as we emerge onto a clearing with a vista overlooking torrey afraid the moment will pass by too quickly i stop to take it all in for a few minutes from here torrey looks so small so insignificant yet made significant to me by one man s experience and his last wish the deepening shadows on the adjacent cliffs remind me that my time is limited i walk to the edge of the bluff look down at my feet and i see two rocks tears blur my vision as i snap dozens of pictures once again using my camera lens to distance me from the surfacing emotions my tears fall more quietly this time as i let the ashes be carried by the wind and then reluctantly i place a handful of his life between two rocks above torrey just as he had asked here on the velvet ridge i feel a stronger sense of peace than i did the day before with nightfall approaching we descend from the plateau as quickly as we can my eyes are dry but my thirst for meaning is quenched if only for a moment my body shivers from the chilly autumn air as my reason for coming to torrey fades among the red rocks glowing in the distance my journey to remember bill in this place has come to an end for now he will always be here i have carried the peace i received in torrey with me every day through the anniversary of his death through thanksgiving through our wedding anniversary and finally through christmas i have learned though that peace does not numb the pain just before the anniversary of bill s death anne sheilia and the twins visited me for a few days i asked them if they wanted to scatter some ashes at the marin headlands where bill proposed to me i was very pleased when they agreed to it it was a different experience in that i felt like i had done my most important task already i felt like i was there to help his family experience their love and their grief in a different way we sat on the bench where bill asked me to spend the rest of my life with him and then walked the scenic trail for a view of the golden gate bridge and san francisco journal next we drive the windy steep road to the top of the hill and walk on a trail for a while to find a spot without any tourists erin and sean pick yellow flowers along the way and scatter the petals on a tree stump overlooking the pacific ocean anne sheilia and i sprinkle ashe...
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