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Text of the page (random words):
ed that in 30 years of practice she d never seen anything like that they were glad to have me back i was glad to be back too even though i didn t remember being gone hubby went to go find my mom and my sister and tell them what happened they had followed the baby to the nicu and didn t know i asked for food more than a day of nothing but ice chips i was starving my brother in law had gone way out of his way all the way uptown to bring me sushi because that s what i wanted my post delivery celebration meal to be and the nearest sushi place open that late was 50 blocks uptown they told me i couldn t eat yet i had to clear a few blood tests first we chilled out they decided i wasn t ready to move to the post partum ward yet and sent me to the recovery room instead i think that s where c section patients go post surgery for monitoring my blood work came back an hour or so later but it was still wrong somehow i had lost a lot of blood but they didn t know why they hadn t noticed a hemorrhage so they had to look closer i had a middle of the night sonogram with more people poking me in places i m not normally poked but they couldn t find the bleed i asked if i could eat yet but they said i had to stabilize first so i d have to wait for morning blood work i let ben eat the sushi morning blood work came back and i wasn t stabilized in fact my blood count was nose diving i d lost half my blood volume in 6 hours they sent me for a full body ct scan and still couldn t find a bleed and decided that my body was cannibilizing my red blood cells apparently that s a thing that can happen they announced they were giving me a blood transfusion several hours before they had been giving me a choice between a transfusion and several weeks of iron therapy now they were just giving me a transfusion since i d signed the consent form giving them permission if it was medically necessary at which time the midwife who d started my induction had said she d never seen anyone need a transfusion in all her decades of practice until that very night when the girl who was in my room before me had had a massive bleed we were giving them lots of excitement in that room when they were explaining why the transfusion was medically necessary they threw some numbers at me i don t remember what they were measuring exactly hemoglobin platelets something in parts per million but they said the normal number was 250 mine was 50 and still dropping i begged for food i was getting a bad headache from not having eaten in two days during which time i pushed a baby out of my body i started crying when i told the doctor about my headache and she very kindly told me that i couldn t eat but there was absolutely no reason why i should have to cry over a headache in a hospital and she gave me a choice between percoset and tylenol i told her i d rather never have to take tylenol for a headache again and she laughed and said that it did nothing for her headaches either then we spent a minute bonding over migraines poor girl she had a migraine when she checked on me the next day maybe the bad room juju rubbed off on her i spent the day on my wheely bed in the recovery room getting checked every hour or so for blood pressure oxygen levels etc at 10pm they finally decided i could eat a clears dinner clears turned out to be broth ginger ale jello and cranberry juice i d never tasted such amazing jello life changing the next morning i had another clears breakfast which was exactly the same as dinner except there was apple juice instead of cranberry my bloodwork had finally stabilized apparently i d had the ideal response to the blood transfusion which is nice since so much else had gone wrong the nice percoset offering doctor came back to visit again asked how i was feeling i was still ecstatic over being allowed to eat so my answer was positive wow well you look a lot better than your labs good this became the phrase of the day at least three practitioners used the same phrase on separate occasions though i was a pale pasty white and needed help walking because i got dizzy very easily apparently i should have looked much more like a reanimated corpse according to my paperwork me looking much better than my labs i was finally allowed out of the recovery room and onto the post partum floor which also meant i was finally allowed to visit my baby it had been 36 hours since they d laid her on my chest and we hadn t seen each other if i d been a little less anemic i probably would have jumped up and down as it was i think i clapped and trembled a little and then cried some and she was still perfect a little less slimy but no less perfect view this post on instagram a post shared by meghan bechtel lin meghaneblin 4 comments filed under uncategorized october 26 2014 5 57 pm and god said nothing rant of an aging creative from a writer s group exercise thanks to nadine for the reflection prompts she told god she wanted to tell stories to spin life from words and infect everyone around her with beauty and hope to speak the truths that slice like blades cutting away the rotten deadened flesh of battle scars she told god she wanted to burn bright and warm and contagious light begetting light fire begetting fire so the earth would blaze like the night sky she told god she wanted to cry the tears of the phoenix healing the hurts of those with whom she mourned and calling forth resurrections from the broken battered children all around this is what she told god and god said that all this was good and meant and more and that she would never be alone or forsaken and then god sent her into exile she wrote alone she burned alone she wept alone her fire flickered and faltered grew dim and cold and she spent herself trying to shore up the wan little ember that remained with neither strength nor conviction she muttered the bitter old cliche why and god said nothing and god said nothing and god said nothing it s hard to live in the moment when the moment seems like the opposite of what you want maybe that s selfish and immature i ve lost all perspective but i found too many moments unbearable and so i live now at a distance from reality in exile from myself coming back to visit a moment occasionally to see if the sense of it has changed but it hasn t so i withdraw again to my dying campfire of love or self or passion or whatever it was i used to burn with i used to find that gratitude journals kept me grounded and present and thankful but now whenever i attempt lists i am overly aware of the thinness of the straws at my fingertips they connect me to nothing they end a few inches past the end of my reach and in their futility they only emphasize my exile and joylessness i wonder if my goals are paper puppets stupid little fantasies to keep me company in the blackness imaginary friends i cannot say if i am lost because i m not even sure i am moving or that there is anything to move to or from or if i even have a shape anymore a friend and i talked recently about shapes we talked about the shapes of our bodies youthful pregnant post babies post surgery she said she used to have this image of herself that perhaps she wasn t so pretty but at least she had a good body she looked good naked she said that in her head this is still how she exists but that in reality that girl doesn t exist anymore post babies post surgery when her tummy is an alien terrain unrecognizable to her and she observed in passing as if it were the most obvious easy thing in the world that i probably have an image of myself as a creative person surrounded by creative people and that person maybe just doesn t exist anymore and that the trick is in letting go of the old image let the false images die let the false selves die let the ego die die to me that you may live for whosoever loses her life for my sake will find it the words cut me like blasphemy but against whom gods real or imaginary both absurd and absurdly painful and i wonder clearly something is dying whether i want it to or not whether i allow it or not what a joke it was always beyond my control and god says nothing and god says nothing and i hold to the old wishes and i believe they were affirmed that they were important but what if they weren t perhaps they were imaginary friends and perhaps if i let go allow the death and hopeful resurrection there will be creativity in a new dimension on the other side or perhaps something so foreign that i can t recognize it at all like narnia after the fall of narnia that s the totally sucky thing about dying selves it never feels any less like dying no matter how many times you think you ve been there done that always the blackness always the silence always the pain always the utter lack of self or choice or dignity i can t frame my life without that image of myself i don t know my own shape if i don t have that to lean into and maybe that s the point maybe the frame has to die because i am even bigger than i thought maybe i ve been using it as a crutch to feel safe filling up the small space i created for myself feeling important that way propping up my idea of my life but i have no schema no scaffolding no analogy no imaginative tool to leap outside of it it s a blind wasteland from here a great blank like being in the womb and dammit i wasn t going to resort to birth analogies oh well anyway i can t believe you did this to me she said to god and god said nothing and they sat in the darkness together for a while longer 4 comments filed under uncategorized june 15 2014 7 40 pm father s day one of our many roadtrips clutching some kind of kid bling probably trolls we were into those for a while it s father s day if you ve hung around me for any length of time you know my father gets kind of a bad rap you know he s the one who left etc that stuff was formative to my personality and so tends to get a lot of airtime but then i feel bad about that because he has his awesome side too and this seems like an appropriate day to go woo hoo about all that this grew out of a writer s group prompt from last year my dad never did anything halfway life with him was always a celebration of excess when he first moved out he lived and worked out of an industrial warehouse by the train tracks in small town columbiana looking back as an adult i think he probably lived there because he couldn t afford a separate apartment but to us who didn t know from budgeting it seemed he d found us a strange abandoned castle piles of alien substances around every corner sleeping machine monsters armies of vacuum cleaners standing at attention and our clapboard bunk beds tucked neatly into the corner where we wrestled and fought and anchored our epic games of hide and seek the treasure room was dad s office in which we weren t allowed to play and where one whole wall was covered in sparkling mosaic tile shards glittering jewels from floor to ceiling endless patterns forming from the chaos constellations in his private universe outside the castle the kingdom was equally exotic the terrain was mountainous i can t remember the substance or color of the towering piles of debris but they made a perfect landscape for games of adventure spoil and danger and the train tracks endless and mysterious and deadly whispered of journeys i would never take sang of places that only existed in my imagination and then clamped down with finality on pennies and nickels and my first dog that warehouse is one of the earliest place memories i associate with my father and the wealth and space and wildness are things that i still associate with him dad s life always smelled of abundance and surprise and magic there began our tradition of hedonistic feasts all you could eat pizza soda oreos candies new toys and all nighter movie marathons every child s pot of gold with my father every visit was a celebration of wealth whether we had any or not why spend a quarter on the grab machines when you could blow ten bucks every truck stop we visited in the next decade suffered a shortage of fluorescent stuffed animals after we left comparing the loot clutched in our small hands why spend an hour playing video games when you could spend the whole weekend camped out in front of the nintendo working out together how to open that last blasted door in castlequest why go home when you could go to niagara falls just for the hell of it even the car leaked money one dollar bills growing from the cracks and crevices to be discovered by eager believing fingers the foosball table was a big hit so was the billiards table and the rc cars and the snowmobiles it was also at my father s knee that i learned the keen art of elaborate surprises both the giving and receiving when roadtripping dad never told us where we were really going he got so famous for this that as time went on he was forced to plant multiple layers of false clues about our destination in order to continue fooling us we always thought we were going to niagara falls when we were going to chicago and thought we were going to d c when we were going to new york my first surprise birthday party was at the age of 10 at the zoo when dad decided we needed to believe in santa claus he and my mom and aunt and uncle went out at 10pm on christmas eve to haul in all the lumber for a tree house and then went to the trouble of sending someone to shake jingle bells under the window the next morning to bring everyone out for the big reveal it was always christmas at dad s house dad is also the master of spinning a bad situation what do you do when your restaurant is taking way too long to fill the dinner orders of 5 7 hungry children allowing for various step siblings invent games to play with the placemats preferably loud raucus laughter inducing games so the staff is encouraged to move you out faster what do you do with a car full of bored children in interminable traffic give the other drivers silly names and invent ludicrous dialogues for them to have with one another in silly voices or just inspire a sing along what do you do with a car full of frightened children driving through a violent thunderstorm invent a ranking system for the lightning bolts and oversee a game of come on nature you can do better than that don t be such a pussy i learned the art of making magic with my dad and to whatever extent i manage to bring a little magic to my students or my friends i like to think i m channeling a little of him love you dad exactly as you are 3 comments filed under uncategorized february 24 2014 10 30 am so i finally saw frozen so as per typical i finally saw frozen months after its initial release i immediately spent two days catching up on every blog post on the internet that i d bypassed in fear of spoilers so i m a little late to the conversation again as per typical this post will contain spoilers so if you are living in an even deeper cave than i and haven t seen it yet i will understand if you want to skip this for now and hopefully come back later let s ...
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