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en to speak kate s camera and got stuck in a two hour traffic jam on the m25 a two hour delay in stop start five lane traffic must herald a return to normality oh joy oh bliss please let it be true it must be true because my every evening for fourteen months harem pants now sport a semi sheer crotch and very baggy knees i have tried to buy another pair they have been discontinued and so i have decided in a moment of cautious optimism that the disintegration of these carmichael covid comfys must prophesy the beginning of the end of the blue blistering bad news we have been boiled in for ever and a day this morning with covid brain and woefully slipped standards i put my yoga pants on back to front plank forthesecondtime ouch good news for yours truely cannot come a moment too soon view all 7 comments burning down the house january 18 2021 meet the carmichaels covid family pet house fire household chores humor humour life as we know it my life pandemic mrscarmichael this weekend i almost burnt my house down i have never done that before just to be clear i ve never actually burnt a house down i ve not even come close mrs carmichael has a very healthy respect for and enduring fear of fire and houses on fire this childhood respectful fear or should that be fearful respect that i nurture stems from bearing witness to my neighbours of yore successfully burning their house down in front of my eight year old eyes it was a bird s nest in the chimney apparently good god that bird must have had pyromaniacal tendencies fo sho call the fire brigade mrscarmichael call call so you have to believe that almost burning down my house is a big deal for yours truly this is how it happened in covid times many things for many people are different perhaps i should rephrase most things for most people here in pandemic central are not as we know them nor as we want them to be nothing is the same everything s different and thus things fall apart as centre s go mine for one isn t holding big time william butler yeats may not have been describing an outa control virus in the second coming but boy did he get the mood spot on but i digress an element of my centre not holding is that lyle the cockapoo has made his way through numerous obstacles physical and emotional and now appears to be sleeping on our super king of a nighttime how did that happen you ask well it all started when i forgot his seventh birthday last thursday and with literally nothing else to do covid i experienced an irrational amount of guilt friday found me walking dog miles cuddling constantly and feeding my furry friend lots o treats one of said treats came back to bite me in the bum saturday early hours found me waking to the sound of vomit the sight of vomit way worse than the sound but at least i had with foresight shrouded our linen duvet cover with a dog sheet this must i briefly thought be good news the bad news was that although the spring onion root m lud i never meant to put that in his salad lay solid and whole on the dog sheet the yellow bile that pooled around it had done its worst and soaked through not only the dog sheet and the duvet cover but the duck down duvet itself such woe but at least i guess it gave a purpose to my day covid i stripped the dog sheet and spoilt duvet cover and set the patch of sick on the duvet in a bowl of vanish on the bedroom floor i put the linen on a hot wash and took lyle out for his first walk obviously feeling much better on an empty stomach he was keen to go duvet cover drying dog sheet waiting its turn my single task for the remainder of the day and evening was to get the puke puke stain and puke smell out of the duvet dry it and remake our bed even with nothing and i mean nothing else to do covid i was aware that time was not my friend patch drying a supering duck down duvet is another thing i have never done before obviously the duvet wouldn t fit in my dryer there was no washing line to hang it on nor sunshine to warm it through mid winter covid is the worst variation of high summer covid it sucks in a way sunny summer covid can but fantasise about so i rigged up a seen better days drying rack in front of the fire and draped our bedding over it positioning the damp patch toward the flames i sent mr carmichael who was making a business call from his car in the driveway covid a photo of my professor brainstorm brilliance and sat down to watch episode 16 series 8 of the real housewives of beverly hills with lyle i got a text from the mercedes asking if the duvet wasn t a bit close to the naked flame and thus a fire hazard but i didn t have time to read it because our duvet was on fire and the living room wall was queuing for ignition approval the room smelt of burnt fowl the duvet looked like a baked alaska and the vomit stain was still soaking and somewhat yellow i text mr carmichael to say the fire was out he thought i was joking until he walked in the front door and was greeted by the stench of singed swan and the sight of lyle making himself comfortable on a floor based baked alaska in the front room looks like baked alaska smells like toasted coconut mrscarmichael today i plan to wash my hair and feed my dog only kibble let s see how that goes view all 8 comments covid variations on a theme december 29 2020 uncategorized covid covid 19 jacinda ardern life as we know it new zealand pandemic uk mrscarmichael here we all are coming up to 2021 and i find myself looking forward to 2022 but it must be said with the hope that 2021 could be something still still in a good way that is the last thing i want to do is wish me my family s or my friends lives away that is not the plan but right now it s a tad hard not to make use of the one time teleport option i won at a this is not a doctor who party many moons and a world away from where i am now today or tomorrow or maybe new year s eve because boris johnson likes high day and holiday announcements see brexit agreement the astra zeneca vaccine may be approved here in the uk we have 100 million doses reserved for us that s 50 million people and they way i figure it i ll be in that 50 million and i ll be having the jab yes sir yes m am yes indeedy so will mr carmichael so will carmichael offspring various as and when they get offered the dregs sometime this decade let s hope it works let s hope it and all the other vaccines that are being developed approved and injected into arms before approval yes mr putin although i noticed you didn t have it on your doctor s advice and after approval work too it s important they do it s important because right now right here it feels as if we are under attack it feels different to the beginning to the covid launch to march do you remember march more importantly do you remember pre march when we were just living our lives ha right now with covid 19 and the two variant strains that we and south africa have managed to breast feed burp and nurture so well we here in the uk had 41 000 covid cases registered yesterday that s 41 000 and that does not include people in hospital or care homes i believe there are probably quite a few cases in these two types of establishment don t you think the day before yesterday it was around 35 000 35 000 which is a huge number of new cases but now doesn t seem so huge because yesterday it was 41 000 41 000 is huge but won t seem so massive tomorrow i bet tomorrow we ll be wishing the number of new cases that exclude care homes and hospitals was 41 000 that s my prediction for what it s worth most of these cases are in the south east of england and the majority of these cases are the new mutant just look into my eyes and i ll give you covid strain the south east of england is where i live these things put together are worrying very worrying indeed what is also worrying is that it s got personal i now know people suffering with covid i know many many people isolating because they ve been in contact with someone for more than fifteen minutes who has tested positive these people and this includes daughter number two who could not spend christmas day with us her family are watching on their smart phones a days left to go bullseye count down to their release on release they will be allowed to do very little we in the south east are in the newly imagined tier 4 which is in all but name lockdown so they will be able to go for a walk buy a takeaway coffee play golf or tennis at queens and catch mutant covid because they looked for a nanosecond into someone s virused eye their phone will beep and they ll be back in isolation or of course they may get sick i may get sick did i mention i now know and know of many poorly people this is no way to live the government s aim yes you matt hancock of the foreskin pink ties and you boris johnson on recess but not in the caribbean on a freebee this year is to vaccinate one million people a week over the next lockdown what you scream we re not in a lockdown we can still go to the non essential shops and buy shit we can mingle in houses and we can look people in the eye over a pint in the pub we re not in tier 4 we re the lucky ones from all those in tier 4 to all those not didn t you see the boats trains and stations the night our leader and his pink oppo invented tier 4 those transporters were headed with eyes steely trained on you traditional covid carriers to all parts not south east for christmas i fear you will bypass tier 4 in the blink of a cough and we the already theres will smile and say now we re all in it together but back to the vaccination roll out sage or some other acronym have warned today that unless you the small g government pull your needles out and do two million a week we re heading without passing go straight into a third wave you probably don t know this mr johnson it hasn t come out in tomorrow s paper yet buy a copy why don t you i m a new zealander how many of you knew that what i would give to be there now a month ago with fewer than 5000 cases a day i could have gone been popped into monitored isolation for a fortnight who s kidding who i m as good as in it now and for the foreseeable just without the monitoring and right now be as free as a bird with good eyesight hugging people going to friends homes eating out feeling safe and have jacinda ardern watching over me while i sleep covid free but no now not wanted anywhere in the world i m here in covid cactus town and i can tell you it s one shit place to be did i mention we had 41 000 new covid cases yesterday in the uk how many will it be today come on roll up place your bets view all 5 comments hair today gone tomorrow may 12 2020 meet the carmichaels bangs coronavirus covid 19 diy hair hairdressers selfhelp mrscarmichael yesterday i cut my fringe this was a first time thing i have achieved my advanced age never having felt the need to take to my own locks with sharp utensils others better qualified indeed qualified for i am not coiff me on a regular and pleasurable basis i ve always considered it a treat i now know it to be a necessity i pray that taking to my crowning glory with scissors bought to trim my cockapoo s eyelashes another story entirely was a last time thing but in this time of covid needs must and i did in the process i made a couple of schoolgirl errors followers i did not do a very good job actually i ve just been overgenerous it s a habit and in this corona induced solipsistic state i find myself i m sure i m not alone i must find the willpower to cease and desist at being kind and generous to yours truly simply because i ve managed to get through another day week month and it s now wine time wine i hasten to add is not being kind it is like hairdressers a necessity one is out of bounds the other fills the thirsty void but back to my hair the fringe alone demonstrates with devastating ease and sublime efficacy at least four results best avoided when attempting to allow oneself to be able to see without having to part a waterfall of darkening roots gurl s got this one cracked mrscarmichael my mother used to have a weekly blow dry we fondly referred to it as a helicopter haircut so heavy in hand was the artiste with the hairspray mum could regan like spin her hair without her head moving she was not alone although i like hairspray i do not heavy hand it now however i would love a helicopter haircut or any haircut done by someone else someone with qualifications mr carmichael after seeing my good work on lyle the cockapoo with the eyelashes suggested i give him a much needed trim with the boy s clippers what could go wrong of course my husband was focusing on the equipment and the fact they were designed for dogs they re the only ones we have in casa carmichael which answered one question leaving the begging question unanswered my aptitude and talent or lack thereof now that the love o my life thinks i resemble a demented three year old with bad wrinkles and an attitude he s opted for a silver locked tarzan effect from which he cannot be budged i don t blame him he s made the right choice who knew that 1 hairdressers cut your fringe at the end of the haircut when your hair is dry well i did but i must have forgotten 2 hairdressers take a little off at a time with a feathering motion and section the fringe from the surrounding hair me again but it slipped my mind 3 hairdressers don t curl a wet and what might prove to be very short fringe because that will make it look worse if that were possible i didn t know this having never had a fringe cut from hell at the hairdressers my god my fringe looks terrible and what about the rest of my hair i have never been ably to blow dry my hair it s just a fact i m shit at it which is why i don t do it but now i must i wash my hair as infrequently as possible and have moved with alacrity through the stages of mourning for my once coiffed bonce i would be lying to say i don t care but in some ways i actually don t care that much i m no longer riding pillion in a convertible bentley nor dining in pall mall certainly pretending to be a happy housewife is out the proverbial window along with the baby s bathwater now i m just getting through like everyone else and trying to stay well and safe while not looking in mirrors my roots are coming through apace and i have been sent these by my colourist easy peasy mrscarmichael thoughts view all 10 comments killing me softly march 18 2020 mrscarmichael is away from her desk achieverstrips mexico resortlife travel mrscarmichael blood red mrscarmichael mr carmichael and i are recently returned from a trip to mexico the pacific side los cabos well not exactly los cabos our 5 or was that 6 star spa resort was half was between cabo st lucas and los cabos on a very fast road actually all the roads we travelled in mexico were very fast roads due mainly to the fact that all our drivers drove very fast and when i say fast i mean muy fast muy fast indeed gracias a dios that mr carmichael was not at the wheel of 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