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description= the blog of eric goddard-scovel;
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d pretty much all antihistamines four or five times a month even if you were on those medicines should not cause any harm doing this too much in combination with other serotonin elevating medicines supplements or foods though could lead to overly high levels of serotonin in the brain as i mentioned above i once got sick as well as some rebound headaches from using this 3 nights a week for over a year in combination with 5 htp and zyrtec i now use this method just for the migraines that are bad enough to warrant it i can reuse the same grating of nutmeg several times too although the effect becomes progressively milder other recommendations finally it is also best to give up on nsaid pain killers and even cut down on things like tylenol they can easily cause rebound headaches they generally have not worked for me at all for many many years anyways if you are taking them often you should really question if they are actually helping or just feeding the cycle and if you can change your diet and reduce the migraine frequency that will mean less medication in general you might try to get some cbd oil from a local health food store for some relief that helps for a little while but it is currently very expensive that helped me in the past although prevention is again much better and much more cost effective finally for those who spend a lot of time at computers or staring at their cell phones or tablets i heavily recommended using blue light filtering software to reduce the strain on your eyes especially in the evening and at night my favorite program is f lux i run a windows pc but there are many variations for different operating systems on my android phone i use the built in filter for daytime viewing then at night it switches to an oranger color using a night mode app that i installed for free my eyes are much happier this way and i m sure it has saved me from many migraines in conclusion i hope that advice helps that s pretty much everything i personally have learned about dealing with my own migraines i am very passionate about helping others deal with migraines they are beyond terrible and ruined my life for a long while so if my advice can point people towards real recovery i am glad to give it posted in migraine personal tagged migraines personal leave a reply getting back in the saddle posted on february 6 2019 by eric goddard scovel 1 it is more than two years now since i wrote a blog post two years of descent into and out of depressive episodes and personal stagnation deeper than any i had ever known and i am no stranger to depression and am even a great admirer of the positive impact i have at times turned it towards in my life more on this perhaps at a later time in coming to write this post i found a draft i began in the spring of 2017 and never published it captures the spirit of the depressive aspects of the past several years very well unfinished june 2017 draft post i ve lost touch with something important something central is it desire purpose direction passion can acts have context and consequence but no significance all of my friends are struggling all of them like my wife and myself many are piecing part time temp adjunct and freelance work together into making a stagnant non living residing in either cheap barely affordable apartments or in parents or friends houses i find a place off and on for music making in my life but poetry art i have lost the feeling for words and pictures they cannot reach me even the music is lacking in depth character purpose it throbs and languishes it circles stumbles and falters i watch reruns of star trek series while eating comfort food and drinking too much i witness my maladaptation continue still from 2016 a year of personal losses and literal assault all this while 2016 was a turning point for my health finally learning how to get my migraines under control and discovering that the strength and flexibility of my body had largely returned from my 2010 back injury and conservative spite ignorance and greed now sit poised to emphasis added i think this is a great question to ask the post cut off there doubtless i meant to make some comment about the bonkers political climate of 2017 but hey its 2019 now it seems like the fears of a sudden descent into a fascist hellscape have been somewhat soothed by a midterm democratic and dare we hope progressive socialist rebuke and there is even the possibility that the plutocratic status quo may even face a serious challenge in the next few years maybe politics aside what is most clear to me is how lost i felt at the time and how much anguish was being caused by this and how much i struggled to stay in my den and lick my wounds i have felt this lost adrift feeling for much of my adult life but not always as a negative thing it had turned very sour and stifling for me so starting in 2018 i began to find my life increasingly claustrophobic and my depressive moods and coping strategies were becoming more transparent and pointless funny how depression which is most clearly identified in myself now as a knee jerk assignment of pointlessness and futility to everything which is true when you get down to it as an excuse for withdrawing from all that is negative and positive in life but definitely a wrong fear driven stance can itself become a victim of its attacks on purpose due to this greater self awareness i became insistent on dropping my coping strategies and becoming more committed to figuring out how to deal with to change improve shape my life and one by one they began to fall away the need to inebriate the netflix binging of star trek the munching even the need to calm my mind through regular applications of breathing meditation unfortunately it also seemed that a lot of the good feeling i had from making art and writing fell away too so much of my drive had been simply anxious fearful energy focused on production to justify my identity to establish my purpose for being i had to produce or i was not of any value i had to make art to justify my designation as an artist to not be nothing and nobody so i have been getting more comfortable being nothing or not worrying about being anything and getting better at seeing depression at work at seeing fear at work in me and at making the effort each day to live a life less based on fear and less concerned with finding the impossible existential answers that my depression seems to need so badly part of that is getting back to this blog and maybe soon moving it to my own server i m trying to get a feel for writing again as a tool for growth which i generally approach through the disillusionment and undermining of everything false and needy in me everything ego enhancing the idea of poembassy bombing is to stare the artificial internal edifices of institutions poetic and otherwise into rubble and dust then find a way to move on from there i often imagine myself to be finished with that work sifting through the ruins and looking for something on the horizon to set off towards but i don t think that s it yet in this metaphor i m still buried in the smoldering rubble slowly finding the strength to dig myself out because nobody is coming to help me do it i must do it alone i should say that a lot of the negativity i have gone through has faded i have managed as with my struggle to end years of chronic migraines i will blog about this soon to use every darkness and negativity in my life to seek out what is true and of value and figure out how to become a more mature wise person i know the world is still probably fucked moving ever deeper into ecological economic and political collapse and the more we can face this fact maybe the more we can do about it but the more personal subjective experience of my life is less and less occluded by despair and depression i can push aside the veil of fear and self assuring knowledge always seeking to keep things safe contained and identify and remove any threats that haunts my perception to reveal something that is a frequent and refreshing reprise like the opening of a window in a dark stagnant room to let in fresh air i cannot properly describe this sometimes i cultivate this as though it is something cultivated in meditation other times i slip into it without intention during the day i think longchen rabjam does a better job of it from the basic space of phenomena section 10 without the arising and subsiding of thoughts there is a naturally limpid pristine state like the unwavering evenness of a limpid ocean free of the occurrence of or involvement in thoughts free of hope or fear you abide within the state of naturally occurring timeless awareness the true nature of which is profoundly lucid without the compulsions of ordinary mind there is an unfeigned state a natural settling uncontrived and unadulterated though it cannot be characterized with words this absorption in the expanse of being the true nature of which cannot be characterized involves neither meditation nor something to meditate on and so laxity and agitation dissipate naturally and enlightened intent occurs naturally i m not sure he was speaking about what i have been experiencing and working towards in my own practice but i aim for a natural settling or i seek out that which is grasping holding on tight which is unsettled then acknowledge it and watch is settle some kind of experience of oneness arises and everything external and internal is subsumed in an undifferentiated whole it does not feel like a unity unification but more that the previous experience of myself observing and reacting to a world that is other has been replaced by simultaneously the absence and presence of these as a single thing all that i had perceived previously remains but it has a hollow but oddly warm and whole presence hollow and whole the sound of that never noticed the resonance hollow and whole whole and hollow the whole hollow a hollow whole a hole is hollow hollow on the whole when i look in at myself i see an earnest wondering urgently concerned image of my face staring outward but upon seeing it its transparency and flatness are apparent and it fades away like a phantom movement you try to catch at the edges of sight often then a natural settling follows i don t know how to end this so i ll just end it here i feel i could keep rambling on for days without coming to any conclusion do i want a conclusion do you want a conclusion does everything need to be tied up in a nice package no certainly not posted in buddhism personal political thoughts writing 1 reply for brigit pegeen kelly posted on october 27 2016 by eric goddard scovel reply i often felt like writing to her but in general i don t write to people i care about often enough i don t call the people i love often enough i was fortunate to have had professor kelly as i still feel i should call her though i think she would prefer just brigit as my first poetry workshop leader as an undergraduate at the university of illinois urbana champaign in the spring of 2003 i was a foolish boy from the cornfields with a love of language i was lonely and depressive and i was failing out of jazz inprovisation and trumpet performance in the school of music when i entered her class for the next year or so i spoke almost every week with her in her office in the top floor of the english building about poetry religion literature life i remember walking her to her car one evening i remember her lending me the published diary of a swiss czech writer from the 40s that contained sketches of stories about marionettes and woodsmen i still cannot remember the author or the book i am not good at remembering or telling stories so forgive me i write this with a deep but gentle sadness welling in my face and flushing through my limbs because through the short time in my life that i knew her she influenced me profoundly as an example of openness generosity compassion and deep wisdom her poetry is nothing like what i write or work on but it has a beauty and mystery that has always touched and warmed my too often inhuman core when i read it i think of her and how kind she was to speak to me all of those days it never felt like i was an irritation and it was always a true exchange and i have always wished to be like that with my own students and in my own conversations the last time i saw brigit was in 2009 when she gave a reading at wabash college in indiana for some reason i do not remember her reading her own poems there too vividly perhaps because i was already so familiar with them dead doe was always a favorite of mine and my poetry students at purdue another favorite has always been pipistrelles there is a sort of spell they cast so perhaps i was too intoxicated by them what i remember is her reading from wallace steven s the auroras of autumn which i had never read or heard she made it beautiful this isn t very eloquent and i m losing track of what i am trying to do here what am i trying to do here i just want to say that it was her kindness and sadness that i treasure most through my interactions with her and through her poetry and my life and the world have both been made better for them i feel an emptiness and a loss knowing she is gone but i feel her impression in that same space that helps me to understand what is good in this world posted in personal poetry leave a reply the mind not poetry is a machine made of words fml posted on july 20 2016 by eric goddard scovel 1 there is something that must be done and undone i am writing a way in i have not been earnest enough honest enough i have not been forthright what is bottled up will not burn right it melts cracks explodes it makes a big mess of things i do not want a mess really i want fuel air i want ash except for my love i do not know what i should care about and it is not my love and i do not need to care for it it wells up and fades out and when i am aware of it i am a milk jug rolling and bobbing on the waves of it there is nothing more satisfying than a good fuck a deep fuck something should be sore after and something should be knocked loose something hard to pin down that should not stay where it was i brought them outside and washed them with the hose in rainbows writing can take it out of me and make it visible but what it becomes is a sham was it a sham when it was still inside me and when the air and sunlight and water of the world touches it what will be left of it the world eats everything it is always hungry fourteen hours and twenty seven minutes and forty one seconds have passed mostly without me sometimes i do not wash the stink off of me i am a dirty animal too before there was a decision there was a moment of confusion of peace of innocence before i got lost on the better route i saw where i was and wept for the brutality of it i knew where i was two roads diverge in a forest i run crashing through the bush and thorns returning and rerunning retreading the path rewinding the tape reposting the repas...
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