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room with a stupid sheet wrapped around my waist i also didn t like the touching prodding poking that went along with this exam i also did not enjoy the fight i got in with my dh over him not making an illegal u turn in order to get me to the appointment on time me god damn it can you stop driving like a little old lady sheesh him i m not going to starbucks anymore so we can save 3 00 a day and you want me to blow that all on a 300 00 ticket yeah good times the human brain is so crazy i know this exam was very very uncomfortable sort of painful for short amounts of time and yet 2 hours later i can barely remember it i just remember telling myself this sucks anyway i m feeling fine and looking forward to the next steps hopefully tomorrow i ll find out what exactly those are posted by m at 6 51 pm 8 comments sunday september 28 2008 the plan i m not feeling so great dh i talked for a long time about our options and although he said he was excited about our next steps i m filled with dread worry i m really shocked at the price of the injectable meds i had heard they were expensive but i thought that meant 300 00 or so not 3 000 00 i m not sure if that figure is correct because all i know is that on the sheet i was given of what a typical iui w injectables costs it said 3 200 00 each time i m assuming that includes the medication but on another sheet it said that the medicine alone would cost 3 500 00 each cycle so i ve got to get that sorted out assuming that the procedure meds will be in the 3 200 00 range we can afford for me to do an iui 3 4 times this will mean that some of our money that s earmarked for our roth ira retirement fund will be siphoned into the ttc fund there s not really a ttc fund but there might as well be if those attempts are not successful then we are done we can t afford to try any more after a year we can start the adoption process this is all breaking my heart it s so much pressure and i just want to be a parent but i m just feeling this pull to try the iui just see if it would work adoption is so close to my heart yet i m just not ready to give up on being able to be pregnant i just don t know that i can wait a full year to adopt my poor husband he thought he was being so great when he went worked all the numbers and came up with a plan but all it resulted in me was bawling i mean if we did 3 iuis in a row had zero success we could still possibly be parents in 2009 if we adopted but he just doesn t see it happening i have to find some other ways to go about this because i don t think he gets that i can not wait any longer we have been trying for 2 and a half years there is no more time left posted by m at 7 45 pm 6 comments thursday september 25 2008 my first re appointment yesterday was one of my super busy crazy days i m writing that as if it s a common occurrence it s not in fact normally my life is pretty darn boring not yesterday though here s what my day looked like yesterday 7am took progesterone blood test 7 30am 8 45am drove to work 1 00pm left work 1 00 2 00pm drove home 2 00pm 3 00 pm got all dolled up 3 00pm 4 20pm drove to re appointment got lost even though the office is on the same street my dad lives on 4 20pm 5 30 pm re appointment 5 30 11 00 pm norwegian tourism board event at the claremont hotel and a dinner cruise on the bay phew i spent the night at the claremont and was so sad my dh wasn t there to enjoy it with me this morning i m back at home and will go into work in just a little bit in the meantime let me tell you about my re appointment and if i have time also about hobnobbing with the norwegian consulate general the appointment well i was late very late i can t believe i didn t understand the directions i was so flustered when i finally got there but the receptionist was kind and made me feel much more relaxed i went on to see the dr sat in her office just chatted she was really fantastic has heard it all before and is just really proactive we talked about family history my dh my past treatments immediately she said i m done with clomid it didn t work so move on however she was pleased to see i ve been ovulating for the past 6 months or so i didn t think my s were ever very good but she said there was definitely ovulation so that felt good i admitted that i had stopped taking all my other medicines and she encouraged me to go back on them and add in a half hour of exercise a day i know my dh will support that so hopefully i can incorporate that soon into my lifestyle we then went into the exam room and she did an ultrasound and counted many many cysts on my ovaries so yep i definitely have pcos she d like me to get a hsg and then start on injectables and then it s my choice to do an iui or ivf i m so sorry for all the jargon and i just don t have time today to explain it all but i ll post a little primer on all the lingo sometime soon so then we were done and i guess her nurse will call me sometime today to get some of this scheduled i haven t even talked to dh yet so i don t know what his thoughts will be it sounds like if i do an iui it will be 3 000 00 each month there s only a 25 chance of success and if i do ivf the cost more than doubles but so do my chances i m just not sure about any of this i haven t had a chance to really digest any of it hopefully tonight dh i will get some good conversations in oops got to run my carpool is just about here thanks for reading posted by m at 10 28 am 6 comments wednesday september 17 2008 fertility clinic seminar last night i went to a meet the doctors seminar at a fertility clinic or is it infertility clinic what s the right title i ended up going alone because it was the 3rd attempt i had made to get into the seminar and each time something came up this time it was my dh s back to school night so i showed up alone and feeling really stupid as there was only one other couple there so the three of us sat and heard about trans vaginal ultrasounds and lots of sperm talk and saw photos of fallopian tubes and all sorts of other lovely stuff that doesn t seem so mortifying when you are with an anonymous large group but a little too intimate when it s just you 2 strangers the doctor seemed very animated um too animated for my taste but i felt good when he asked if i thought they could see an egg on an ultrasound and i answered um i don t think so they are very small i was right this clinic as a whole has gotten rave reviews form others on the nest boards and their rates are much more reasonable than kaiser s fertility clinic at least for basic services iuis in fact i started crying at work when kaiser called me to tell me the price 560 00 for the initial consultation exam this clinic is about half that plus they give a 1 2 off coupon for your initial visit exam just for going to one of the seminars i seriously don t know what will come of this i know that we just can t afford ivf it s just not a possibility i think the rate was 17 000 00 and there of course are no guarantees i always feel like i need to qualify the statement we can t afford that because i mean we have the money but we d really rather use it towards actually raising our child or at least towards something that doesn t seem quite so statistically risky now i m not slamming the door on ivf it s still open but i d need to really hear that we are prime super candidates for the procedure which i don t think we will but i m going to make a call hopefully an e mail since i hate talking on the phone and set up my first appointment soon my only other hesitation is timing of all of this i work so far from the clinic i just don t know if there is a way to schedule all this stuff without having to let my work know as i ve mentioned in the past my boss is freakily interested in my procreation plans i ve tried to keep her in the dark as much as possible i don t mind taking a day off here there but the logistics of it all seem very overwhelming well i guess my first step is to make that appointment wish me luck posted by m at 3 39 pm 2 comments sunday august 31 2008 stupid gymboree stupid me to follow up a little on yesterday s post regarding testing i went crazy enough to actually tear apart the plastic casing of the hpt in order to examine the line a little closer it was vague enough that i left the house to go to the dollar tree to buy some more tests oh how i love having a basket full of their tests and nothing else at the checkout however god was saving me from my embarrassment or something because the giant dollar tree that i go to had closed down so then i went to the other more ghetto y dollar tree but they didn t have any tests at all since i was at this point convinced that i was a lunatic i didn t go to target or any other place to buy the more expensive tests in between my dollar tree stops i stopped at the mall to get my mom a present i was secretly hoping that me telling her that she was going to be a grandma would be her gift this year any way i stupidly went in to gymboree clothes store not tumbling place i m not that messed up yet it just hit me that i was not a mom that it s not going to happen that i am infertile all the little clothes especially the halloween styles just got to me i ve rarely been this affected normally i just note in my mind what i like and figure i will have lots of chances to buy later i don t know why this little pumpkin cardigan shirt hat just put me over the edge but they did so i got myself out of there right away got a lemon truffle from sees chocolate makes everything better so today i figured i might as well go buy a test from target but before i got out the door af showed put to rest any of my crazy inclinations so yay i think this is month 30 ugh last night i e mailed my dr to get the referral to the re and i ll start the other research i need to do for other clinics plus i also got a pack of info from another adoption agency so at least i m getting more details about all my options oh and i also thought i felt a lump in my breast this morning i m pretty sure it s nothing but nonetheless i ll be e mailing my doctor to see if i should come in and get a professional opinion i m so happy this is a long weekend i don t think i could go to work with all this stuff floating in my head posted by m at 5 01 pm 6 comments saturday august 30 2008 i ll let you in on a little of my insanity when i tested this morning it was like 4 45 am i didn t turn on any lights just used our nightlite after about 10 minutes i was groggy didn t watch the clock exactly i checked again using the nightlite there was no 2nd line i m using dollar store tests so i threw the test away of course now hours later i decide to look again hmm there is a very slight evap line i ve never seen an evap line but i m assuming that s what it is but now i don t know if it was there when i looked the first time because i checked to see if i could see it with the nightlite and i couldn t so i threw it away again only to dig it out one more time and about that how is it that i m throwing it with such force that it keeps getting buried deep into the little waste basket so now i ve done searches on evap lines and i really think that s what it is but because of my neurosis i will now need to go buy more tests try again stupid insanity i really am not taking this seriously but now i have to see posted by m at 11 18 am 1 comment bfn well no real surprise i have a feeling i will be a full of symptoms kind of gal and i ve had none other than af not showing when i expected i m going to e mail my doctor for the re referral and also check out another fertility clinic start committing myself to that process don t worry no tears here just resignation ps is it odd that i don t tell my dh when i m testing he gets so anxious the one time i did with lots of nail biting and it s just easier on me when i tell him later if at all he figures it out when af shows posted by m at 5 11 am 2 comments friday august 29 2008 14 dpo right now i m wishing i had charted this month at least then i d know if there was really a chance or not i m not feeling any symptoms any different than when af shows i have one pg test at home i think maybe i have more stashed away somewhere so i think i ll use it tomorrow am see if anything develops in the last few months my luteal phase has lasted between 10 days 15 days so again no clues here argh i wasn t putting any hope into this month and now i m feeling a glimmer of possibility i hate getting my hopes up i ll briefly update tomorrow am posted by m at 3 55 pm 2 comments saturday august 16 2008 pink is not my favorite color but you wouldn t be able to tell that by looking at me oy vey i am very sunburned pink white stripes all over my bod ok don t feel too bad for me i got his sunburn in maui where i ve been for the past week we re here with my parents and we were supposed to be here with 6 other family members but when ata went out of business they couldn t afford to take a chance that they would get their money back rebook for almost twice the price on united the reason that we bought new tickets right away on united was because i knew without a doubt we would get our money back how did i know that because we bought travel insurance that covered this exact scenario however this wasn t the reason that we bought the insurance when we were making our reservations the day that the tickets became available 11 months ago i really thought was sure that i d either be pregnant or have a baby by the time this trip came up so in case that i d be in labor or have a few week old baby or just be too pregnant to fly we bought trip insurance so when i reflect on that every once in a while i do feel a tinge of sadness and a rueful sense of disappointment that i ever thought i would be pregnant this year luckily the feeling passes quickly enough i really just focus on how much fun i m having with my wonderful husband and my fun parents and how lucky i am to have both i m not charting anymore mainly because i ve gone out of town so much the past few months that i haven t been able to keep on a consistent waking schedule so why bother but i have been using my cbefm and i was excited to get a peak reading while here in maui yay for tropical bding ick too much info plus i hate that term but do you really want me to spell it out any more so i better end this now so i can enjoy my last evening here in paradise on my local board of the nest our signature challenge this week was to include a photo in our siggy of where the magic happens here s my entry for this week posted by m at 6 33 pm 2 comments friday august 1 2008 steps forward and backward maybe after the adoption orientation last week dh i were able to talk a bit about our next steps what s fantastic is that our conversations were not heavy emotion laden discussions but just normal conversations where we voiced our thoughts and found that we were pretty much on the same page about everything so we ve decided that if we were to adop...
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