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er named william and other stories otherwise titled my kid since march 3 31 13 after skyping with my family tonight isaac i want to go home me me too isaac to tim you say no flying home to grandpa and grandma why that s bad 4 1 13 this morning when isaac sneezed on his shirt and i told him to go change it because he d gotten snot all over himself he said that is not snot mama that is bless you 4 7 13 isaac has recently adopted this incredibly endearing habit wherein he answers any questions he dislikes by saying i can t hear that it makes me the happiest mother alive 4 12 13 w e just told isaac to go to bed and he said you re not my mom and dad my mom and dad are clouds whatever that means little stinker 4 17 13 isaac insisted i turn the couch into a train and then sit in it for half an hour so he could yell at me sit still i m the captain of this train now you walk i never get to be the captain of the train and i m the one who bought the stupid couch in the first place boo 4 18 13 woke up to the sound of isaac screaming it s monday i want to swing in the bag he gets his days mixed up and thinks the huge ikea bag is a swing and then draw me a dragon elbow no idea i tried tim tried nothing would please the kid there are a lot of discarded elbow drawings lying around but i m pretty sure he knows what an elbow is now and then as the boys were getting ready to walk out the door he started singing we missed the bus we missed the bus we missed the bus and they did it s been an eventful elbowful second monday morning 4 18 13 isaac brings home a new stick from school everyday they increase in size as the week progresses and then start all over again on monday last friday we ended up with a 6 ft long stick that he insisted was a christmas tree today it was an honest to goodness log if he tries to bring home noah s ark tomorrow i swear i won t bat an eye 4 19 13 whenever isaac gets asked what he wants to be when he grows up why do adults insist on asking this of toddlers he says small or isaac a tiny one i m so lucky my kid is peter pan 4 22 13 we re having a family movie night with pizza watching see spot run i thought isaac would like this movie however i m rethinking it now regarding the two postmen he said mama they re coooool me no they re stupid and immature you can t be either of them 4 23 13 isaac said mama i have a spirit it s a blue ball and it bounces high 4 23 13 asked isaac what he thought his dad did at work and he said he drives the train and gets your mail and my mail on tuesday and finds the cookies and the movies on the computer but he is not the captain of the train i am the captain of the train good thing we have that cleared up 5 1 13 isaac just brought me a stack of books to read to him and said okay i got them we have pirate we have jesus we have monkey talk how i became a pirate read aloud bible stories vol 1 curious george storybook 5 4 13 isaac just walked up to me pulled down his pants and said in the morning it s big and tall it s magic but now it s dead it s broke see me huh go talk to your dad 5 5 13 when isaac says magic it comes out sounding like maggots i m so happy to have finally realized this especially after all those times we were eating and he d yell for no apparent reason mama it s maggots 5 7 13 on the bus today i saw a kid that looked exactly like isaac only 4 or 5 years older same hair same blue eyes even the same color clothing as isaac wore today he turned around and grinned at me and for a split second i felt like a time traveler then the real isaac dumped his sandbox shoe out on the floor next to me said moooom moooove he thinks he should sit by himself on the bus now and i snapped out of it 5 7 13 the train anecdote on our way to vineyard camp a couple weeks ago isaac spotted a member of the train crew his face immediately lit up with excitement and awe as if he d seen santa claus or something and he literally shouted hi captain of the train 5 23 13 this morning my alarm clock was a five year old redhead flexing his arms and screaming at my sleeping face look i have muscles 5 25 13 isaac has moved into the why phase he ll be telling me an incredibly long story that never does end in fact he s still telling it and somewhere in the middle he ll stop and ask what s that almost like he forgot the word only in this case he just doesn t know it yet so i ll explain and then he ll just stare at me and say why only it s an incredulous why the kind that implies another question such as what is wrong with this planet and i m at a loss where to begin 6 5 13 isaac drew me a mermaid it is the most terrifying picture anyone has ever given me 6 10 13 isaac just drew a bunch of spirals and then said look at my picture an ear hole an ear hole an ear hole an ear hole an ear hole 6 13 13 isaac today i love pretty girls i love liv and amelia and marianna and just my luck i m raising a little player 6 16 13 when he got out of the shower today isaac looked in the mirror and said oh no my hair is going brown i have rainbow hair i want perfect orange 6 19 13 when i gave isaac his breakfast this morning he said good job lauren little stinker 6 20 13 the neighbors replaced their toilet this morning so the old one was sitting outside in the grass all day isaac found this alarming the first thing he did after coming home was run into the bathroom and yell oh good at least we still have a toilet 6 26 13 this is my daily alarm clock mama is it my birthday uhh no why because it s not october 17th why because it s june why because it is why i don t know oh is it your birthday no why and then we go through it all over again at least twice more 6 26 13 isaac just walked in the door with a big old magic marker mario mustache on his face exactly what i was hoping would happen on wednesday 6 28 13 i will never understand why isaac must transfer an entire sheet of stickers onto a single piece of copy paper in the exact same order as they were sold i m not allowed to help anymore because i tried to put one on my face 6 30 13 a little bedtime game okay mama you a bird i m a crap what sorry kid i have no idea how to play this game you a bird i m a crap huh you a bird i m a crap i get you with my claws oh a crab yes a crap crab b i know finally she gets it silly woman i m a crap well there are worse things i suppose 7 1 13 isaac and i have been playing a lot of hide and seek lately only he calls it 1 2 3 hide it s a definite challenge when you are a minimalist living in a studio apartment he is somehow endlessly surprised that it isn t actually me hiding under the covers it s the big stuffed elephant he throws back the blanket screams you did that and cracks up laughing as if it didn t just happen twenty times in the last half hour someday he is going to look back on his childhood and wonder if his mother was dim witted but for now he thinks i m brilliant so i m happy 7 2 13 isaac is moving the library future around and screaming mama look i am strong i m pretending i don t know him the librarians are going to blame that red headed mother over there for all the noise mwahaha 7 6 13 as we re leaving the building isaac stops in front of our neighbor s apartment stands directly in front of their wide open double door and yells mama i want to watch that and points at the people inside luckily it was just the adult male neighbor with the teddy bear otherwise we d probably have to move now 7 6 13 i have disciple on while i work just noticed my kid standing out on the deck wearing his machu picchu llama shirt doing some kind of interpretational tai chi in time with o god save us all i cannot stop laughing 7 8 13 isaac told us about school today this was apparently the highlight a boy peed outside on the flowers it happened he got in trouble tissermand udenfor like this funny dance no peeing on flowers only bushes good talk 7 14 13 isaac s been particularly theatrical this weekend abruptly yelling out limbo wherever we happen to be and then trying to walk under things tables chairs his own arm someone s legs 7 24 13 i saac stayed home all day today i said since you re here you have to help me clean up the apartment to which he replied no that is not deal 7 30 13 i just told isaac he was not allowed to tape things drawings receipts trash stuff he found on the ground to our windows so he left the apartment and taped them to the communal elevator outside now normally i d tell him to take them down but seeing as our neighbors have used up the entire courtyard space with two plastic pools a purple couch a brown office chair a black office chair a vandalized picnic table and a rapidly growing collection of empty alcohol containers i don t care 7 30 13 isaac has memorized the months of the year all by himself minus november and december his recited calendar ends like this july august eptember october 17th my birthday because really what is the point in continuing with the year once his birthday is over 8 4 13 this evening isaac matter of factly informed our dinner guest that mama has hair out of a box dyed daddy has no hair shaved and everybody loves my orange hair the most humble clearly 8 8 13 today i feel less adult and more kid i had rice krispies for breakfast which always makes me irrationally happy isaac made me wear his paper pirate patch after school and reprimanded me for using the wrong colors in his coloring book i got hit on by a teenager at the bus stop what kind of a pick up line is you are beautiful so i will have your number anyway do you think he should ve been surprised when i laughed at him and isaac made us sit directly behind the bus driver where my feet don t reach the floor and yelled haha mama you are too tiny and now i am watching peter pan what else think of a wonderful thought any merry little thought 8 10 13 went on a little tour of the roskilde cathedral this morning isaac played tour guide since he had been there before on a fieldtrip he was entertaining for all the tourists because he kept saying don t step on that whenever there was a grave in the floor of which there were many and also it s okay mama it s not spooky whenever there were skulls of which there were many 8 13 13 me hi isaac ready to go home isaac i need my rock me oh did you have a good day isaac i don t play nobody hit me we had apples i washed my hands once i m going to eat your jacket me um why isaac it looks like broccoli me well geez thanks kid what do you have in your pockets empties pockets three rocks two snail shells a stick someone s hair tie someone s id someone s bike light a crumpled drawing of a fat face and all the sand me clepto isaac marianna gave it to me me i highly doubt your teacher gave you that stuff can i have a kiss isaac tomorrow 8 15 13 sometimes you are late and all your clothes are wrong because you are a woman and you change ten times and end up in the same outfit you started in and your five year old who has been standing by the door tapping his foot says that s the one lauren let s go no this only happens to me 8 19 13 took isaac on a little trip to bauhaus which felt remarkably like all those endless hours we spent in lowes when he was a baby because i love hardware stores only this time instead of chilling in his stroller he was walking beside me yelling i need a dingbell where are the dingbells which is apparently what he thinks a doorbell is called 8 20 13 the jehovah witnesses came for a visit today naturally since i have a fever i couldn t hide because the door was wide open when they arrived and isaac clearly thought they had come to discuss his birthday the best plan would ve been to let them convert me in danish smile and nod but my charming son immediately informed them that mama speaks english i m isaac i speak danish my birthday is october 17th i have a bike i m going to see grandma for three months i live here it s almost my birthday biiiirrrrttthhhhdddaaayyyy and of course they fell in love with him and will probably come back and move in 8 30 13 today is isaac s last day at børnehaven so we are headed out the door with 3 dozen cupcakes for his classroom the sea lions to decorate and the thing he is most concerned about is that his socks be matching sometimes when you live in a studio apartment you put all the socks in one drawer so it is essentially impossible to find a match in fact i don t think they actually exist i ve long since adopted the theory that hey he s 5 it s adorable when his socks don t match and hey i m 27 i don t care when my socks don t match but isaac is convinced it will in fact kill him to wear the spaceship sock with the snowflake sock i m beginning to wonder if he s actually my son 8 31 13 isaac is over there playing with legos i am listening in because i do that sometimes at first it was normal boy stuff you know i got you i am a pirate arrrgh and then it turned into something else entirely i am a bad boy with a mustache i am a bad boy with a mustache bad boy mustache 9 16 13 isaac and i are on a rainy date in downtown zurich today his table manners may leave something to be desired but he did insist on carrying the umbrella for me through the morning downpour of course i m too tall for his umbrella so things are going swimmingly 9 18 13 every time we check into a new hotel apartment b b hostel basement isaac is super excited and says is this my room i have a bathroom i have a bed is this my chair and then rearranges all of our stuff fifty times over so i can t find it having a tv is also new to him he loves the commercials he just told me he needs better laundry detergent because there was a commercial about how most detergents don t get bacteria out of clothing shoot i was hoping he wouldn t turn out so much like me 9 26 13 eating cold cereal from styrofoam makes me think of my dad and camping expeditions in oregon only instead i am actually having breakfast with isaac in denmark on the floor of our empty studio apt almost like camping except we still have a bed and a coffee maker which is the important thing anyway i hope he appreciates this experience when he s older although he may only remember the part where he asked for coffee and i gave him hot chocolate and he got mad 9 26 13 my kid is turning into a little smarty pants today when told he must eat something he said okay fine smart guy and then he smacked my butt and said you are adorable 9 27 13 his favorite movie may be wreck it ralph and he may be a little parrot but when he walked up to me and said mama you are one dynamite girl yesterday my heart melted 9 30 13 me go take a shower kiddo him i can t it s too dangerous me well that s a new one him it s scary it s too hot i could slip soap will get in my eye i don t like it i m not dirty there is a spooky monster in the shower named william who eats people shoot this is going to be more complicated than i realized posted by ladaisi at 10 17 am 3 remarks email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest older 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