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ything inside pondering pain and denying good good doesn t last in my world didn t last couldn t i thought i kept going fighting inertia with momentum but they are both passive forces summer came and i began to feel free it still seemed i was holding my breath because everything i was trying to do took so long to pull together august came and my birthday and god released me from any expectation of going back to the hell that was my marriage time it seems does heal soon enough max started school the pieces fell into place one by one with painful slowness at each turn it seemed my plans would fall apart unable to bear up under the reality of my life i felt free but i also felt sad and lonely i started school met a few new friends learned a lot and to my shock and wonderment earned high grades i enjoyed my professors and the subjects i was taking max was thriving in school exceeding everyone s expectations except perhaps his own he comes by that particular personality trait honestly my expectations for myself are often unrealistic i tried very hard not to need anyone but the new friends i had made reminded me how much i desire someone to share the details of my day with look that chick is wearing see through pants i just took my first math exam in 17 years one new friend was particularly thrilling for me but i was painfully aware that nothing at all could develop between us at that point meeting him rocked my world not altogether pleasantly thrillingly but not pleasantly by thanksgiving we were at peace in a horridly wonderful way no one was missing x had never been part of our lives he had never chosen to live life with us present the kids don t ask about him they see him every week so that might be why but never did i hear i wish daddy was here for christmas that hurt me it felt very bad to know just how little they needed him around we were comfortable with just the three of us because he had never really tried to be part of his own family something is broken there there should be a hole there should be a lack school was hard home was good working hard felt good satisfying i ve lost 45 lbs and i have energy my house is cleaner today than it s ever been i ve had to keep busy since the end of the semester through many late nights and early mornings sweating through assignments that i knew i had not given my best effort in writing taking tests while literally shaking with fever i tried to keep moving i knew if i stopped for a moment i d never get moving again i started running again and bought good winter gear so i didn t have any excuses oddly taking care of business felt right i felt as if i was finally doing what i had always been meant to do then i felt guilty if this was what i had always been meant to do then why was i a mother i don t have an answer to that max seemed to be bonded to his teachers seemed not to need me anymore minim loved his day mom and her kids he loved being there and although he was happy to see me when i came to pick him up he became angry and told me to go away as soon as we got into the car they both were sleeping well and so was i my bed did not feel empty most of the time with just me in it i just don t know how to do any of this how do i mother when i hardly spend time with my children anymore how do i pursue my education and a career and still mother i have always only been able to do one thing well i give 110 all of myself to whatever i am doing and i don t know how to do both things and there i was again pondering pain and impossibilities and refusing joy this morning is christmas morning i watched my boys carefully select a present each and open them then they opened the box and played with the item then they chose the next gift methodical i thought where is the joy in this why aren t they excited i looked closer i saw joy i saw excitement it was a quiet excitement to be sure peaceful almost beatific with each gift they grew more quiet more introspective and their small faces beamed small smiles careful movements but they were happy they were storing up all the good things and pondering them in their hearts they were pondering peace and joy now they don t ponder when they are angry oh heck no hah when they hurt the world knows and i thought that it is more fitting to release pain and anger and fear release them and absorb peace ponder joy and internalize it what a difference for them to take in and embrace their happiness while dispelling pain and anger i had been taught precisely the opposite absorb pain hide fear do not express anger joy is acceptable for display if you are happy everyone should know it is your responsibility to spread your joy out for everyone i say no what did a lifetime of hiding pain and absorbing fear leave me wounded half formed only partially capable of experiencing good things i still believe i don t get good things not me i don t get them they don t last if i do so i cannot accept joy because i am too busy pondering my pain i want my boys to be able to release pain and anger let them go they will serve their purpose and then be gone i will let them absorb as much good as they can because what we take in and hold fast becomes a part of us right now they believe that good things come to them they believe that good things are a normal part of life so when they get something good they can accept it embrace it that is the root of their quiet joy this morning and the root of their exuberant grief when they hurt perhaps if they can keep this as they grow they will not accept less than what is their right they will not accept less than a whole person as a wife they will expect wholeness and good from themselves as well this was meant to be joyful um this morning was so amazing that it sparked off a whole string of connections what is wrong is closely tied to what is right and what should not have been is as closely tied to what should be skyping with my friend this morning she said to me you are so happy you are shining she is right share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading posted in figuring it out greenegem s story tagged accept anger christmas college court embrace excitement fear financial aid first joy maximus minimus pain peace ponder presents school whole wife 2 comments some thoughts on proverbs 23 11 posted on november 23 2012 by claire barefoot betsy had done a fabulous job of discussing the interpretation of the rod verses and why we believe they are meant gently and figuratively her series on the subject starts here but in discussion in the comments section of a previous post i found i have a couple of things i want to say so at the risk of being redundant beat him with the rod first a letter to the editor found in the newsletter of the mt willow education society august 2225 drumming in the multiplication tables we read in on mathematical education the statement it is imperative that multiplication tables from 2 to 15 be drummed into the head of each and every child by the age of 10 there have been some well meaning attempts in recent years to soften the clear instructions of the 20th century educator we all seek to follow suggesting that the phrase drum it in was perhaps not meant literally in a recent letter to the editor casey trimble says i believe this this phrase was used to simply mean simply repeating a lesson over and over until it is learned but no matter how much we would like to believe mr willow to have been consistently gentle in all his methods his words are quite clear and can only mean one thing in willow schools the method of inculcating multiplication tables into students was to take a pair of drumsticks and beat a tattoo on the child s head as the teacher recited them he does not give any clear direction as to how hard to rap some parents educators have surmised that the drumming should be more severe as time progresses until the child has learned the entire table t is my personal belief that it should always be a light tattoo designed simply to provide a child with a kinesthetic experience that aids in building memory of course some parents will feel that this method is outdated and prefer not to use the sticks and claim that they are able to drum the tables into the child by means of songs flash cards or games we are all free to do what we believe is best in our own homeschools but i submit that a child who learns the tables without the drumsticks has not received a true willow education a e this is what i believe has been done with the verses about the rod of correction why do i think the original audience of the author of proverbs would read it differently partly because of the view of modern jews for example the rod of chastisement is considered an instrument of mercy the talmud allows for corporal punishment with a shoestrap only there is no mention of rods at all another reason is that in the mosaic law there are instructions on punishing a man who beats his slave to death but absolute silence about beating children too severely i can only assume this is because the very idea of beating one s child was anathema to the culture and so did not need addressing also because a rod is not a switch not a flat hand not a paddle not a belt the closest thing in my home to a rod is the wooden curtain rod that fell down last year and now leans against my bedroom wall if i hit my child with that it would be abuse and no one would disagree and partly because i try to read the bible with a christotelic hermeneutic of love jesus said let the children come unto me and do not hinder them and love your neighbour as you love yourself and if you did it to the least of these you did it to me if i assume that the words of proverbs are inspired by jesus the living word then i must seek the interpretation that best fits with his life and teachings too many people have been hindered from following christ or knowing his grace fully by the belief that he commands spanking that his grace is not sufficient for the sins of the least of these he will not die prov 23 11 do not withhold discipline from a child if you beat him with the rod he will not die beat him with the rod and save is soul from death the common understanding of this verse is typified in the living bible rendering a spanking won t kill him i want to ask what the above understanding of this verse says about our view of god and our view of our children viz is god s standard for raising children in a godly way not killing them do we really think god will be happy with our discipline if we beat them to within an inch of their lives and as long as we don t kill him our beating will be used by god to save the child from hell what does this verse say if she does die where is jesus who gently laid his hands on the children and blessed them in this interpretation of this verse i believe a truer rendering both closer to the intent of the author and more in line with god s nature is this do not withhold moral education from a child if you drum god s life giving truth into him he will live not die teach him god s wisdom day in and day out and so save him from an early grave share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading posted in uncategorized 1 comment on god our father posted on november 20 2012 by claire my baby turns 10 months old today he has been walking unsteadily for about a week he was taking 2 or 3 steps for a couple of weeks before that last tuesday evening i saw a change in his thinking he chose to walk across a small space where the day before he would have crawled i announced to dh that he was now officially walking and of course even though we ve watched his two older siblings go through the same sequence of development even though all babies do it we were still proud and delighted we grinned at him and each other as if he d aced his final rocket surgery exam instead of something every healthy child masters within their first eighteen months but as far as i know the next day he didn t walk a single step he crawled everywhere was i disappointed no did i love him any less no of course not did i delight in him as much as ever yes indeed i rejoice over him because he is my child i love to watch my children grow and develop but i m happy for them to do so in their own time and their own way e ach faltering step pleases me without by any means implying displeasure at the lack of a step in the same way i believe that god is pleased with each attempt we make to obey him or to honour him stumbling fumbling or outright useless as they may be without suggesting for a moment that he is displeased when we don t make those attempts or when we fail god is love and he loves us outrageously all the time share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading posted in uncategorized tagged baby children father god parenting unconditional love 1 comment myth busting 10 newborns can t smile posted on october 8 2012 by claire my third child now 9 months old was not very happy about being born it was a lovely calm home birth in water according to the rules he should have been calm staring into my eyes with fascination and then when he was ready searching around for his first blissful feed but it was not to be as soon as our midwife lifted him from the pool my beautiful son screamed like a banshee the first thing i said in my exhaustion before i even turned around to look at him was teeny babies aren t supposed to make that sort of noise they re supposed to mew like kittens i d never heard anything like it from a newborn as it turned out this was the first indication of the difficulties we would have with him in that first hour all he wanted to do was snuggle up to me or daddy with his eyes closed and not move if i tried to reposition him slightly so he could reach my nipple he screamed if anyone so much as touched his foot he screamed and when he did finally try to feed i nearly screamed looking back i think he was born with a crick in his neck or some other discomfort in his body and putting his head back properly and opening his mouth wide and putting his tongue forward so he could properly attach to the breast was very uncomfortable for him eventually after a very nasty first week that involved cracked nipples and mastitis we finally found a way to attach so he wasn t doing me damage and was actually milking my breast one of the things we did in that process was to teach him to open is mouth and put his tongue forward on cue by playing an imitating game when he was ...
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