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s but i know they exist i spent the rest of the week in the hospital recovering haha i laugh as i write that hospitals to me are so counter productive when it comes to healing and recovery do i sound like a broken record yet for my feelings about hospitals at any rate that s where i was and i truly am grateful for the medical assistance i received however that was the most horrible week of my life nausea extreme pain side effects of the medication no sleep being interrupted when finally sleeping to be poked and prodded not being able to stomach any of the hospital food not being able to walk let alone go to the bathroom by myself etc etc the worst part though may be the guilt i had when i thought of my emi i didn t feel any connection to this baby i only saw her for brief periods of time here and there she was released after 2 days in the hospital and taken home to be with our family and when she wasn t there i wasn t thinking about wanting to be with her all i could focus on was my pain here was my brand new angel baby who i had spent 9 months preparing for physically emotionally mentally and spiritually and i couldn t even muster up the appropriate enthusiasm empathy or excitement to see her every time i realized this the guilt grew i was comforted by knowing that emi was being cared for fed and loved to no end by her aunts grandparents and my friends yet this dynamic created negative feelings for me also my 3 saving graces excitedly presenting emi to me for the 1st time post surgery day 3 hospital sparing the gruesome details of the week in the hospital the sunday after emi was born i was released from the hospital and we all went to live at my in laws for the following week emi was the picture perfect example of it takes a village to raise a child i am so grateful for the amazing people in my life who cared for nursed and loved her as their own i can t imagine being a single parent or not having the support of family friends and community when going through a new birth let alone a traumatic birthing experience i feel so blessed in this regard yet at the same time this was not how i had envisioned the first couple of weeks for my baby husband and me and there were many moments of sorrow frustration anger irritation and helplessness i knew everyone was only there to help us but i was so very upset that i couldn t do anything for emi in my mind at the time i realize now the error of that thought i was annoyed that i wasn t able to make decisions for myself or my baby she didn t feel like she was mine it was a strange and surreal feeling it was almost as though she belonged to everyone else and they were trying to help me spend some tidbits of quality time with their baby i became increasingly irritated at people s well intentioned advice i wanted to do things my way and be home in my home isolated from everyone with no one but my equally traumatized amazing partner and baby i wanted to bond in the way i had dreamed i wanted everything opposite from what i was experiencing and what i had experienced talk about feeling like an entitled 3 year old i want it talk about eating an entire humble pie since that week there were many times when i continued to feel like emi wasn t my baby like i didn t have the same baby in my arms that i had in my tummy all those months during those times there was no connection she continued to feel like she wasn t mine one day while feeling this i had the insight that this sweet girl indeed wasn t mine she belonged ultimately to her heavenly mother and father in a sense she is on loan to me but her soul belongs to them this was a powerful and comforting reminder for me during those times i also felt pretty useless as a mother i continually felt as though emi was so bonded with david but not me and that he did a far superior job of parenting than i i felt like i had no clue how to care for this little baby i felt like i was in training being watched by everyone in my life i longed to jump into the drivers seat of my life rather than be stuck in the passengers seat unfortunately my recovery didn t allow me to do that in the way i wanted re enter humility enter in life s important lessons of giving receiving gratitude honor acceptance forgiveness repentance giving up control working through anger and fear becoming as a little child etc i am now very grateful for the lessons i ve learned and the lessons yet to learn from this birthing experience at times i fall back into sadness anger why me and feeling ripped off by the experience and what it means for my future lack of birthing experiences and this is ok too i am grateful to have these negative thoughts and feelings as well and that i ve come to a place in my life where i am entitled to these as well as the silver lining moments only and don t feel guilty about them anymore happy baby one of the beautiful things about baby emi is that she is so very aware of me of her surroundings she is a kindred intuitive soul i have felt the comforting reassurance that emi understands that what we went through was traumatic and doesn t hold me responsible at all i have felt her forgiveness towards me for being not the mother i desired to be the first year emi is a patient soul who brings peace and joy where she goes i believe there is a big spirit in her little body getting ready to do big things on this earth i have had humbling hard moments where i feel completely empty lacking insecure where i feel like the child and emi like the wise parent those moments when tears stream down my face and i attempt to avoid her gaze but she steadily looks at me intensely with those eyes ahhhh those big eyes melt and stares deeply into my soul and tells me it s ok mama it s ok this is but a brief moment i love you we re ok emi is my miracle every day she is amazing so grateful to be alive in love with her 18 months later posted in uncategorized 9 comments momma s day 2013 may 12 2013 by jessicaleesalmon oh maya you speak to my soul re reading this poem after being a mother this year i wept understanding a little more the huge sacrifice heartbreaks joys tears fears fulfillment longing hoping prayers discouragement guilt love unmet desires and dreams self control willingness to be hurt humility strength and so much more of my own mother and her mother and all the mothers before that throughout the history of time so much more to write but i will save my own experiences for another day here is the poem mother a cradle to hold me maya angelou it is true i was created in you it is also true that you were created for me i owned your voice it was shaped and tuned to soothe me your arms were molded into a cradle to hold me to rock me the scent of your body was the air perfumed for me to breathe mother during those early dearest days i did not dream that you had a larger life which included me among your other concers for i had a life which was only you time passed steadily and drew us apart i was unwilling i feared if i let you go you would leave me eternally you smiled at my fears saying i could not stay in your lap forever that one day you would have to stand and where would i be you smiled again i did not without warning you left me but you returned immediately you left again and returned i admit quickly but relief did not rest with me easily you left again but again returned you left again but again returned each time you reentered my world you brought assurance slowly i gained confidence you thought you knew me but i did know you you thought you were watching me but i did hold you securely in my sight recording every movement memorizing your smiles tracing your frowns in your absence i rehearsed you the way you had of singing on a breeze while a sob lay at the root of your song the way you posed your head so that the light could caress your face when you put your fingers on my hand and your hand on my arm i was blessed with a sense of health of strength and very good fortune you were always the heart of happiness to me bringing nougats of glee sweets of open laughter i loved you even during the years when you knew nothing and i knew everything i loved you still condescendingly of course from my high perch of teenage wisdom i spoke sharply to you often because you were slow to understand i grew older and was stunned to find how much knowledge you had gleaned and so quickly mother i have learned enough now to know i have learned nearly nothing on this day when mothers are being honored let me thank you that my selfishness ignorance and mockery did not bring you to discard me like a broken doll which had lost its favor i thank you that you still find something in me to cherish to admire and to love i thank you mother i love you posted in uncategorized 1 comment happy new year january 1 2013 by jessicaleesalmon auld lang syne a new day a new year wishes that we all work to make this one better than the last i resolve to get more music recorded this year here is the first offering of the year love to all xo jess posted in uncategorized 2 comments sleeping beauty september 24 2012 by jessicaleesalmon now that i ve taken the first step to get back into posting here s to hoping that i will continue and fill in the gap of the past 3 months to start here is the newest angel in my life xo posted in uncategorized 7 comments picnic in the park september 24 2012 by jessicaleesalmon posted in uncategorized 3 comments i found a reason may 1 2012 by jessicaleesalmon we attended an absolutely incredible dance concert ririewoodbury that a couple of our beautiful friends were in last weekend i fell in love not only with the various dances but also one of the songs used it s called i found a reason by cat power and is a velvet underground cover naturally i wanted to do a cover of the cover actually i truly couldn t help myself i needed to sing this song once i got home i m still producing tears when i hear her sing it i think why this song is so touching to me is because of this little thing going on called pregnancy lots of thoughts and feelings flowing come come come come come to me is a call to my unborn wee babe in all faith and hopes that she will be born smoothly and healthily longing that what comes is better than what came before for her and i i do believe in all the things you see a desire to be able to empathize with her always and see from her perspective even when i don t agree better run run run run run to me a quiet plea to my loving life partner to continue to keep his eye on the prize me funny how a generally confident woman can have her world rocked by pregnancy arise feelings of inadequacy not good enough fears about parenting and connecting un processed anger body issues wondering how and why your partner continues to stay with you when you are often a big literally mess of ever shifting emotions physical complaints etc etc lots more despite all of this i feel lucky that i recognize my stuff and am trying to do what i can to pass along love and hope to this little girly than fear that does nothing but stifle us and keep us stuck with all of that here s my rendition of i found a reason for my wee family thanks for reading i found a reason cover posted in uncategorized 4 comments who loves colourful food i do i do april 11 2012 by jessicaleesalmon i ve been excited these days about photo documenting our personal cuisine and dinner parties with others here is our recipe from tonight so delicious so easy so healthy thank you the urban vegan cookbook by dynise balcavage couscous mosaic 6 tablespoons olive oil 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar 2 garlic cloves minced salt and pepper to taste 1 cup cooked whole wheat couscous fluffed with a fork 1 large carrot grated zest 1 organic lemon juice 1 2 lemon 1 small onion minced 1 2 cup peas 1 4 slivered almonds toasted 5 7 basil leaves minced 8 dried apricots chopped into chocolate chip size pieces 1 can pinto beans rinsed and drained 1 mix oil vinegar garlic salt and pepper in a small bowl to make the dressing 2 gently mix remaining ingredients in a large bowl and toss with dressing annnnd of course we mustn t neglect desert pears and salted dark chocolate posted in uncategorized 3 comments full circle march 17 2012 by jessicaleesalmon i ve loved the music of loreena mckennitt for a long time now thanks to my sister fel i recently reconnected to this song what beautiful feelings lyrics sentiments and questions it brings i am grateful for the unique and deliciously varied paths individuals throughout the world take to call their god and find peace in their soul close your eyes while you listen to this song and you will find something in your soul perhaps peace also stars were falling deep in the darkness as prayers rose softly petals at dawn and as i listened your voice seemed so clear so calmly you were calling your god somewhere the sun rose o er dunes in the desert such was the stillness i ne er felt before was this the question pulling pulling pulling you in your heart in your soul did you find peace there elsewhere a snowfall the first in the winter covered the ground as the bells filled the air you in your robes sang calling calling calling him in your heart in your soul did you find peace there in your heart in your soul did you find peace there loreena writes in the cd booklet about this song march 23 1993 morocco ramadan i wake up early to catch my flight home and at 5 30 a m hear men chanting in the mosque one of the most moving and primitive sounds i have ever heard they are calling their god i think when have i heard this before november 21 1988 st benoit du lac québec have just arrived at this benedictine monastery in the eastern township of québec it was the first snowfall today and the brothers were out walking along the long lane as i approached hooded figures slowly making their way to mass as the snow fell like blessings i followed the sound of the bells to vespers november 24 1988 i have wondered about who these men are who have made their way here who they were before they came how did each connect to god and how did it differ from each other s journey and from mine one red headed lad looked like he could be my brother i recall speaking with a brother in glenstul abbey in ireland last year about the many and varied paths that had brought them to that place of worship and reflection march 19 1993 morocco made my way to the thousand foot sand dune past erfoud near the algerian desert and rose at dawn to catch the sun rise i don t think i have ever felt something so simple and yet so powerful i wondered if the first sunrise was just like this posted in uncategorized 1 comment lullabies and ultrasounds february 24 2012 by jessicaleesalmon how great is modern technology pretty great this was ultrasound 3 where we discovered the gender of our growing little baby girl so precious we are so grateful for this machine that is able to provide information regarding the development of baby and monitor the fibroids here is a pr...
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