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er host transferring the contents of the refrigerator onto the table pulling off lids putting out dishes and silverware bo baby try some of this cheese can i get you a beer coffee where s i began looking around for margaret s other boyfriend she quickly cut me off now i m sure there won t be any trouble moving this couch you look like a big strong fella she looked coyly at lenny if she secretly thought her chosen adjective incongruous she didn t show it what a fool i thought for i knew that lenny really was a big strong fella i d seen him split wood with those delicate hands had felt his hard body on top of mine i decided to sit back and watch the day s drama unfold it was anyhow beyond my control my strong fella looked at me his eyes twinkling i knew i d get roped into this he said with a good natured laugh let s stop this partying and get to work margaret ordered i ve been thinking about the situation it seems to me that with a little ingenuity we could get this couch into the elevator watch out for her bo warned with a belly laugh bo you promised to cooperate it doesn t fit i said we will make it fit now bo just examine this couch and see what you can do i need a cup of coffee bo stood looking awkwardly helpless while lenny took out a tape measure and crawled behind the couch then he dashed out to the elevator with his tape nope he reported cheerily when he returned it doesn t fit what if you took off the legs margaret suggested lenny crawled underneath the couch and emerged covered with dust a sight that just a few short months ago would have mortified me we ll need a phillips head screwdriver come on janbaby walk me to the car lenny i told him on the way to the car these people were supposed to move the couch by themselves that s why i m selling it so cheap yeah i know this bo is a rip but what the hell what else do we have to do today when we returned to the apartment music was blasting from the stereo and bo sat cross legged in a corner reading my yoga book are you two into yoga oh yeah sure lenny nodded gravely this was news to me i practiced nearly every morning but i d never seen lenny take so much as a deep breath much less invert his body in a shoulder or head stand come on boys margaret barked clapping her hands let s get this show on the road lenny took off the sofa legs losing maybe three inches of its height he and bo dragged it into the hall and rang for the elevator first they shoved it in straight then they stood it on end then they tried various diagonal positions in every case the couch wouldn t clear the elevator doors finally huffing and puffing lenny announced it doesn t fit it doesn t fit bo repeated i told you so now that we all agree said margaret let us proceed to the stairwell bo took up the rear while lenny carried most of the weight up front i navigated margaret smith remained upstairs lenny labored under the weight of the couch his face flushed and hair damp with sweat while bo cooly held up his end more or less pushing it onto lenny s back i trailed behind in case they needed me to open a door or something when we finally reached the lobby bo went back upstairs to get margaret who brought her car around to the front of the building with heavy twine lenny did a boy scout quality job of tying the couch to the roof of the car i left a check on the table margaret called as they drove off with my couch i d been so captivated by the day s mini drama i d forgotten about the money i raced upstairs and was relieved to find she had indeed left a check on monday i deposited the check on tuesday i received the following letter dear janice unfortunately the couch broke in half as we were driving it home due to the slipshod way in which it had been tied to the roof of the car i cannot afford to pay for something i do not have and so i am stopping payment on my check yours margaret smith against lenny s protests i went to small claims court and issued a summons it was returned marked addressee unknown for nearly a week we slept on the floor lenny accustomed to far worse accommodations didn t mind but i was sore and grumpy we finally went down to 14 th street where we purchased a lightweight mattress rolled it up and tied it with string and took it home on the subway we put it down in a corner and threw a madras bedspread on top now we had plenty of room and i slept soundly until a few nights later when i awoke screaming from a nightmare in which my pocketbook and identification had been stolen from me wake up jan it s only a dream lenny turned on the light i stared at him his features appeared distorted almost wolfish i screamed louder what is it baby tell me i want my couch back you sold it i didn t sell it i threw it away and you helped me janbaby take it easy what s this really about i want my couch back jan you can t go back can the jargon len this isn t about going back or any deep psychological illness i m buying a new couch tomorrow exactly like the old one if i have to search the whole city to find it fine you want a new couch we buy a new couch what is this we i spat out it s my money this was a simple statement of fact but the viciousness behind it said volumes about the feelings beneath suspicion and resentment of lenny dripped from my lips his facial muscles twitched as if hit a tense silence enveloped us as he lowered his head when he raised it again his lips were drooped and tears swam in his hazel eyes he didn t have to say a word i was filled with remorse for having wounded him over a material possession over money that thing we swore was the root of all evil i put my arms around him it s okay lennybaby it s okay i didn t mean it about the money it s all right baby everything s all right i cradled his head close to my breast and gently rocked him to sleep when dawn broke we were still in that position my body shielding lenny s eyes from the glare of the morning sun 2 comments posted in fiction musings and tagged fiction bookmark the permalink chumbug posted on november 29 2017 by marsheiner my almost annual holiday essay performance piece which i wrote some 20 plus years ago it gives me a great deal of egotistical satisfaction to note that my predictions have come true as proven by the photos below chumbug so nu it s not enough that i ve been hocked to death by xmas for six decades now it s chanukah too christian america has been trying for years now to pacify jews with misguided notions of equal time televised menorah lightings dreidl dolls with curlable hair latke dinners at 25 bucks a plate children s books on chanukah spill from bookstore shelves i saw one in which chanukah was interwoven with the birth of jesus enough with the chanukah bushes already i don t want chanukah any more than i want xmas not only is it a minor holiday it isn t even politically correct it commemorates some sort of jewish war victory no one used to pay any attention to it not even jews but the more xmas fever rose the more obvious the inequality became by the way xmas as a national disease is about to go official with the american psychiatric association planning to list xmasphilia in the next edition of the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders xmas deserves that listing it isn t a holi day it s an event that lasts from october through january that s three months or one quarter of the year or 25 of the time we spend on the planet i ve done the math if i live to 75 i will have spent roughly 18 years coping with the anger resentment and depression induced by the so called holidays the real tsuris is that i d finally gotten a handle on it when suddenly after years of encouraging me to deny my ethnicity christians started pressuring me to become a real jew carolers arrived at my doorstep singing o chanukah and dreidl dreidl in four part harmony demanding latkes i received an ecumenical card as we celebrate xmas and chanukah when i objected to the wreath in my office the person who hung it let loose with an incoherent sentimental ode to menorahs huh fellow jews we must act and fast before a dreidl decorates every streetlight and day glo stars of david invoke guilt and capture gelt we must organize so that come next october when electronic menorahs play little star of bethlehem we ll rise up in unison and shout chumbug leave a comment posted in musings and tagged chanukah holidays rants bookmark the permalink top 5 crimes against pedestrians in car crazy california posted on october 20 2017 by marsheiner in order to get across the street in la you have to have been born there martin amis in money it s been over a decade since i chucked my car and began getting around most of the time by putting one foot in front of the other by now i should be used to the low priority invisibility and outright abuse of pedestrians in the golden state but if anything i m becoming more outraged the more time passes in ascending order of importance then here are the worst offenses committed by car owners drivers waving me on this is a petty complaint i know but i can t stand it when a driver stops at a corner with or without a stop sign as i m about to cross and magnanimously waves me on as if my crossing the street is entirely up to him or her and aren t i the lucky benefactor of such kindness in fact according to ca law if a pedestrian steps off the curb traffic must cease until they re safely across it s a right not a privilege cracked and broken sidewalks sidewalk maintenance gets little attention in many cities especially in the poorer neighborhoods even potholes notoriously left unrepaired are taken care of before sidewalks since after all we don t want our cars getting ruined on the road and what kind of nutcase walks anyway my first car less year i tripped and fell four times needless to say i ve become hyper alert still last winter s rains took a heavy toll one street i walk down regularly is so badly caved and crumbled that i have to step into the roadway raising a hue and cry of honking i ve been told it s the landowners who are responsible for their own sidewalks not the city i ve been meaning to look into this dog shit why is it that the owners of the biggest baddest dogs are the ones who have yet to join civilization and clean up after their pets two lazy louts in my hood are guilty of this but i ve never actually caught them in the act when i come upon their infernal messes i hold my nose and circle past the sometimes steaming piles of poop i m closing in on one of these guys though i think i know where he and his dog horse live as soon as i m certain i plan to file a report cars parked on sidewalks you have a ten room house and a two car garage but you need even more you greedy bastard you park your car so it takes up all available sidewalk space i cannot overstate my angry resentment of such people all i want is a sliver of sidewalk but no here too i have to step out into traffic lately one of my neighbors has been making this a daily habit i m planning to write them a note i will attempt to be polite or not running red lights now this is more than a mere annoyance the bay area and sf have the highest percentage of red light runners in the country frequent headlines tell of children or adults murdered by impatient assholes who speed up instead of slowing down at the amber light my son was hit by one of these heinous criminals many years ago and he s suffered tbi traumatic brain injury ever since if ca is supposed to be so mellow why are these drivers in such a rush ah here s the truth californians driving or not aren t despite the stereotype mellow having lived here for almost 30 years i concluded some time ago that they live in a permanent state of denial which is a whole other topic leave a comment posted in brain injury california musings and tagged personal rants bookmark the permalink older posts recent posts devotion why i write book review the great potato pancake fry off the couch a short story chumbug top 5 crimes 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