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was very much on all of their minds a full transcript of the meeting would be too lengthy to post here anyway julian asange might take exception to my doing that and i don t want to risk his exposing my recipes for unholy hand grenades or schlomo kameamea s sliders so i m only going to publish an excerpt here if i pass under his radar i ll post more excerpts later on because ariel and the rest of the princesses were asked to leave the room before they got to the serious stuff it s impossible to always identify who s talking so speakers are often only identified by company where possible transcript of the swillionaires summit unidentified millercoors exec mc good luck with that i saw you strike out with aurora and jasmin your adam sandler schtick is priceless and dateless carlos brito brito alright enough of that we need to deal with this craft bullshit once and for all we like our shock top numbers and black crown is right there but i know they re crap and i think we all see the same thing your third shift and batch 15 imposter cut off mc batch nineteen brito whatever it s crap they re all crap and we have to acknowledge that too many beer drinkers outside of this room know it too more and more every day we re not fooling them anymore with the glitzy packaging knock off craft labels and nonsense commercials mc agreed i guess we knew the party had to end we ve crammed so much cheap shit into our top line beers that they might as well all be natty light we thought we d regain some market share with our punch top can but the high school kids would rather jam a pen into a can of keystone and get the same effect for less money probably smarter than all of us because it tastes just as bad anyway unidentified abinbev exec ab our bowtie can is iconic and masterful you guys went in the wrong direction with yours brito let s not not go there we were way over budget with that fool s errand and it ll do little more than slow the obvious trend look we re losing the craft segment has gained steadily and impressively every year since at least 02 and we have to change course or end up remembered as the brewing equivalents of ratt or winger mc or haircut 100 unidentified what s wrong with them ab seriously brito we ve tried everything worked the statehouses and dc choked micro distribution and shelf space bought into some of crafts acquired goose island and launched a more aggressive knock off campaign mc the craft segment calls it crafty kind of works brito well it doesn t f n kind of work for our bottom line or your s either you ve seen the same numbers and focus data we have they want real flavor good flavor they don t want bland factory beer anymore we ve lost the narrative and we re going to lose more than that we re here to brainstorm new bold ideas so let s hear them mc ok we ve had a small group in promotions looking at potential co sponsorship opportunities strategic alliances between brands and external consumer goods and services through relational database analysis we ve identified a strong correlation between our bargain brand drinkers and arrests we think a potential value proposition for that customer would be to offer discount bail bond coupons with every volume format purchase like our 30 pack perhaps a punch card which could be presented at checkout allowing buyers to accumulate points towards a bail coupon something like the free latte customer cards at starbucks ab unintelligable i can only imaging the legal and regulatory bs that kind of concept would entail the revenue limiting divisions compliance and legal and governmental relations will have a field day we re greasing the pols but not richly enough to make that kind of thing fly mc possibly ceo tom long or high ranking exec we re among friends for now so i ll tell you what we ve had in r d for several months we ve been trying to mimic them for years with our knock off lines while we should be mimicking their model brito we re both much too big for that and you know it mc yes but here s where we use our size and resources to finally beat them at their own game they love to pal around with one another and do these ridiculous collaboration brews seems they don t understand the concept of competition if we combined forces we could brew a collaboration beer to end all beers ab unintelligible murmurs and that s exactly what it might do to both of us what are you suggesting we brew something that combines the cheap beer factory flavors already leading to our huge losses insanity mc no we mimic another of their pet brewing concepts and brew something that will revolutionize not just a beer style but will change the way consumers shop for beer in the retail stores while diverting their attention away from all of the craft competition brito we thought we did that with strawb a rita go on mc even more elegant we brew a tripel imperial light beer the craft segment would bottle imperial water a wetter version if they could why not take a page out of their pet project books and brew a beer so light so massively light that it actually floats ab what the f are you talking about do you have one of those on line degree diplomas tacked to your cubicle particle board mc hear me out we ve done some preliminary due diligence and we re moving along with a proof of concept it can be done the beer will be light enough to make the cans float to the ceilings of the retail outlets imagine going to the local costco or bevmo to shop for your beer with a long net or grappling hook the hell with those shelves of craft beer nobody will be looking at them they ll all be staring straight up the promotional opportunities are endless unidentified um outside events picnics whatever airplanes mylar balloons get the greenpeace peta activists all worked up as it is pretty sure stray six packs in the glide paths of a few planes won t go unnoticed ab what about thick lead cans or even lead pellets we could set up chinese factories to brew and can it mc that defeats the whole purpose anyway we ve got the brewery angle covered too even our and your best and biggest beer factories aren t capable of creating something like this only one facility in the world can do it the large hadron super collider at cern it s off line for a couple years now anyhow so we offer to lease it they need the money there s no market for god particles these days anyway straightforward process we load miller light into one end and bud light into the other and flip the switch they collide at near light speed and eureka higgs boson light brito you re right it ll be a beer to end all beers and everything else mc wait wait think of the myriad of revenue opportunities aside from the beer itself that cern place is huge we could fit out a section of it as a hotel a beer breakfast multiple lounges and themed bars the americans come to germany in droves to see their bimmers and benzes being built and take delivery we can offer them the same thrilling experience brito let s break this is outrageous i need a beer right now someone tell cinderella to go off site and get me something there are no decent beers in disney transcript ends not a silhouette these people actually look like this seems big beer has big plans for a very big brewery the next bud branded floating thing you see up there might not be this thing light enough to float one of their blimps blood funnel at foreground cheers now i m off to the snowden circuit share this share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading posted in beer big beer craft beer tagged abe vigoda abinbev ariel beer beer news big beer budweiser cern craft beer disney hadron super collider hidden mickey light beer magic kingdom millercoors nsa orlando princess bride r o u s snowden 4 comments july 2 2013 by the alemonger senile implant no still ponds in memory s pool i m absolutely certain that at least one of my buddies loves that title and not because he s a urologist plastic surgeon or collector of john wayne bobbitt memorabilia in fact i ll predict that he texted me his approval of it before even reading to the end of this sentence it s catchy playfully annoying and hard to pin down no pun intended really problem is i m not so sure how relevant it will actually be to the content of the this post that s primarily because i m not entirely sure where this post is going to go or even how much craft beer content will wind its way in i do know this i m calling my next home brew senile implant and while the recipe isn t close to the drawing board it ll amlost certainly be a big high abv imperial oatmeal stout something dark and contemplative that promotes thoughtful recollection brewed with the usual suspects of deeply roasted barley and oats layered with earthy hops and fermented with a classic american ale yeast the most important ingredients however won t be in the brew kettle primary or secondary fermentor they won t fit in a carboy and wouldn t do well in boiling wort or fermenting beer mirrors prisms and the catalytic haze of people places and days gone by have to be added long after the brewing process is complete usually after the third or fourth pour a glass of rear view clarity at stone rose scottsdale princess ironically the inspiration for this post didn t develop during a craft beer research session though i did enjoy a spectacularly fresh four peaks hop knot ipa at the brewpub just a few hours earlier that day more on that another time it was early march of 2012 march 2nd to be exact and i was on my ninth trip to scottsdale my safe tree from life s game of tag i d make a tenth visit just 6 weeks later more than simply a beautiful place to visit scottsdale had become a virtual time machine the sun had been down about an hour and i was just a few sips into a second partida reposado at the outside bar of stone rose at the scottsdale princess recently re branded the plaza bar when i noticed two guys at the other side of the square bar involved in an animated and joyous conversation about their round at the tpc stadium course one reached the 15th s island green in two while the other fell miserably short they looked to be about 30 and were obviously good friends maybe best friends they were me 20 years ago their gestures and laughter reminded me of my first drinks there it was called cazadores back then with my best friend almost exactly 20 years before to the day we turned 30 one week apart and that trip was our pre midlife crisis golf vacation seemed like a good idea travel to a gorgeous warm interesting place to play golf every day and have a few drinks every night this was still several years before i even knew i was loosely on the path to becoming a craft beer geek so the evening golf recaps were accompanied with tanqueray tonics as opposed to stone ruinations or firestone walker wookey jacks the guys across the bar appeared to be drinking either vodka or gin tonics and for all i knew they were northeasterners on a golf trip maybe their pre midlife crisis vacation just like my buddy and i were two decades before then one of them made eye contact with me and to this day i have a frighteningly clear recollection of glancing away as if instinctively and reflexively pulling my hand from an open flame retreating from some undefined danger music and conversation at stone rose s outside bar is never too loud and didn t drown out the muted clink of ice against glass as i raised the tequila for another sip at that moment i wondered what they saw in me from the other side of the bar after all they re me so they had to notice the same parallels it didn t take long for me to recognize that if they noticed me at all they surely didn t see themselves in me they didn t see a reasonably fit carefree 30 year old prosecutor that first visited scottsdale and they certainly didn t see the very very fit 40 year old version that came extremely close to being on the cast of survivor ii australian outback yep i still have the video to prove it they didn t see those versions because they only exist in that virtual time machine i mentioned earlier the version sitting at the bar that night was overweight balding i m ok with that and drinking alone i m ok with that too sometimes if those guys had projected out 20 years into their futures and seen themselves in me they d have been the ones reflexively retreating from the open flame they saw what i couldn t not with my mirror obscured by the blinding memories being thrown off by that prism their girlfriends joined them as i finished that second tequila another few rounds of laughter and they all headed of to dinner and to their next 20 years i stayed for one more the time machine might have been temporarily tarnished but i still had plenty of great memories to drink with though ironically they d probably best be forgotten as i finished i noticed an older gentleman had taken up a spot at one of the corners he was at least 15 years older than me alone and drinking a coors light from the bottle i only hoped that wasn t a glimpse of my future if senility does overtake me i pray my silver alert doesn t include the silver bullet there i forced this thing back to some modest if forced relevance to that catchy title share this share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading posted in beer craft beer off topic social commentary travel tagged arizona bars beer buddies craft beer four peaks brewing friends memories mirrors scottsdale scottsdale princess stone rose tequila travel 2 comments june 18 2013 by the alemonger beer review a hurricane s hoppy lining lasting image of hurricane sandy first things first there s nothing good about hurricanes whether sandy katrina andrew or ones yet to be formed and named they kill people tear apart families destroy homes businesses futures and hope that said some of the finest examples of human kindness and compassion are often tragedy s most lasting memories first responders and nameless neighbors risking their own lives at the height of the storm to save people they ve never met and may never know physically unaffected people from every state in the country and from countries around the world donating their time resources and money to help crippled communities get back on their feet it s in that spirit that a small craft brewery which recently moved from cherry hill nj just a couple miles from my blogging global corporate campus and research facilities to somerdale nj lent a hand by brewing a special beer with profits donated to hurricane sandy relief efforts so that s what fu stood for all these years just about everyone in nj and all along the northeastern coast has more than one memory...
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