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the crow the crow random observations from an old crow friday november 11 2022 happy anniversary a year ago this date i was injected with a cocktail of poisons designed to kill any remaining breast cancer cells it was the first of eight monthly injections turned out it was the last round because it nearly killed my cancer s host i m still struggling with the after effects of the chemo and the sepsis that took advantage of a staph infection lurking in my body after covid 19 and mastectomy surgeries from almost twelve months earlier according to the infectious disease expert part of the team trying to keep me alive i shouldn t be here when i let myself think about what all has happened since mid december last year depression settles in i wonder if maybe it would ve been better to let sepsis win then i remember the advantages i ve had the breaks the unimaginable gifts of good fortune that have allowed me to live on no matter the miseries the pains and the permanent changes to this 75 plus year old body and i feel ashamed of myself for the tears for isolating myself from family and friends for forgetting the blessings of life for i am still here and that is what matters i am still here posted by the crow at 3 19 am 9 comments friday august 6 2021 i won the lottery uh the tooth fairy lottery that is for years i have worn dentures the result of years of childhood neglect and lack of funds to have dental work done as an adult however more than twenty five years ago my ex husband worked for a company whose employee benefits included a great dental plan so he and i both got our teeth fixed the new smiles did not save the marriage sadly and when we divorced the dental plan went with him not long after he left the dentures began falling apart i used super glue to reset the teeth not perfectly but they looked good enough the teeth continued to fall or break out until i stopped trying to repair them i also stopped smiling as broadly as i used to do because i was embarrassed by how unsightly my grin had become above is how i ve looked for at least twenty years only my family has seen this smile during that time at the dentist this morning for the final fitting there will be minor adjustments before i can have them forever in a few days hot diggity dog posted by the crow at 7 40 pm 10 comments sunday july 25 2021 rachel and lydia someday i will write about rachel and lydia who were brought into this world the same day and time that i was through the generosity and long struggle of my mother s body i made it to what would have been our 74th birthday today they didn t having been removed last month i don t even know what happened to their bodies but am ambivalent about their loss phantom pains from where they were make me groan in pain and tears flow in sadness for a few seconds the weirdest thing about that is i reach out to comfort them only to pull away in shock when i realize there is nothing there anymore well nothing but sixty seven metal staples and red angry wound borders so it goes posted by the crow at 5 13 pm 8 comments sunday june 13 2021 what a year so far it all began with contracting covid in december i thought i would dodge that bullet because i had so far daughter and i were diagnosed the same day and quarantined at her house i have no furnace yet and this is the second winter i ve vacationed with her a blessing especially considering covid missed a lot of work no pay which ate into my funds for a furnace but we survived dodged a bullet after all our quarantine period ended new year s and the next day respectively i had a small relapse a few days before which slowed me down a little on jan3 i developed serious shortness of breath went to an urgent care facility which sent me to the local er waited four hours to be seen covid hit our town in waves particularly among the no mask group who got together in large groups to celebrate the holidays i think that since i had already had the virus the staff understaffed triaged me to the bottom of the list doctor finally came in and diagnosed pleurisy my lungs were clear heart was real good nothing to worry about prescribed an nsaid for discomfort and inflammation sent me back to daughter s apartment next morning i awoke gasping for air in unbearable pain returned to urgent care where i collapsed against daughter thought i was dying taken to a different hospital scanned found lungs and right leg were full of clots one in left lung was of significant size with two smaller ones partially blocking the descending pulmonary vessels i returned to my room was placed on a heparin drip three liters oxygen and advised to lie still for awhile okay no argument from me i was prescribed a blood thinner which i might have had to take for the rest of my life but don t that meant i would have a life after the hospital another bullet dodged the day before i was released my pcp came in with more information from the ct there were large nodules in my thyroid and an unclear shadow in my left breast the doctor in ccu advised i make appointments as soon as possible especially a mammogram fortunately my primary at the va had already scheduled an annual mammo for the first week in february she added a thyroid ultrasound for the same week all good dog thyroid ultrasound and mammogram led to biopsies early may thyroid came back benign to be followed up with an endocrinologist another bullet fell to earth breast biopsy returned cancer diagnosis uh oh didn t dodge that one i go in for bilateral mastectomy tomorrow morning the next bullet that i know i m facing is metastasis which we will know about after surgery never mind all of that though the absolute worst thing so far this year is the loss of our brother thomas leonard mclemore the second of our mother s kids mac was kind hearted a much loved and well respected man in his community his death has left many family and friends still reeling to say he will be missed is an understatement he was a decorated navy veteran and the reason i enlisted whose service in viet nam exposed him to the brutalities of war and poisons like agent orange he was being eaten alive by skin cancer from ao exposure he lived with massive clots in his legs which eventually prevented him from standing on his own the last four or five years saw him home bound in a wheelchair or seated on his recliner he couldn t stand or walk far without assistance his leg injuries from several conflicts in viet nam were the source of the clots but mac refused the recommended amputations when an aneurysm in the lower aorta was discovered an endovascular aneurysm repair evar was installed a second stent and a third followed mac was 72 years old when he died on january 16 from a self inflicted gunshot wound the only bullet he couldn t miss like i said what a year so far posted by the crow at 1 56 pm 14 comments monday december 21 2020 dadgummit dadgummit dadgummit late last week my daughter came down with bronchitis our family crnp listened to kareema s symptoms and prescribed a 5 day antibiotic regime which in the past has always worked licketty split to knock out infections such as this kareema is prone to bronchitis every year about this time on friday after there was no improvement our doctor asked how soon could she get to urgent care i waited out side for her doc did a covid swab and told daughter to finish the antibiotic she doc would call as soon as the test results were in in 3 5 days doc called today daughter tested positive for covid i could hear her ask kareema how i was doing i had a cold with low grade fever started saturday night but nothing else doc wanted me to stop by for a swab right away i knew it was only a head cold i was wrong dadgummit we thought we were safe because we diligently followed the cdc protocols for the most part we were until we weren t we will continue to follow cdc guidelines donovan who is in a tech school will not be allowed near us for two weeks he planned to come home for ten days but cannot now we all are disappointed but realized it s better if he doesn t my cold started saturday afternoon so technically i am now day three into this new adventure i wish you all a covid free holiday season on through to the end of this mess bless you all martha posted by the crow at 7 49 pm 13 comments tuesday june 2 2020 no words of my own emmolation of america another four o clock in the morning can t get to sleep yet i try not to watch news stories can t fix anything i stare out the windows of my daughter s fourth floor apartment watching the night trains roll by the apartment shakes from trains on the closest track twenty yards from the building i feel detached isolated numb jumbled thoughts rule my brain nothing makes sense there is no order to any of it everything is raw bloodied and bruised i seek solace in music solace isn t the right word distraction probably this morning the song is it s been burning for a while by chris pearce outside the morning bird choruses are beginning time to go to bed 1030am with first coffee of the day before i go vote words of wonder posted by the crow at 4 09 am 3 comments monday may 4 2020 on a different note thank you mr bush there are times when partisanship has its place but now is not that time now is when we need encouraging messages from anyone who can put party politics aside and reach out to all of us regardless of where we live i found this video clip this afternoon and was lifted by george w bush s message i hope that you might also find it encouraging and find hope in what he has to say this how i think a president should speak to us to help us reunite and work together to rebuild our country in case any of you wonders i consider myself a democrat though i tend to vote for the person and not the party i voted for gwb the first time he ran because i didn t want anyone connected to the clinton administration back in the white house then i listened to barack obama s keynote address at the democrat convention and realized he had to be president even though he wasn t running that year i wrote in his name in 2004 was thrilled the following election to help put him in office in 08 posted by the crow at 5 33 pm 3 comments older posts home subscribe to comments atom about the crow photo behind the blog title brian stormont took this picture of the crow in february of 2006 with his new camera i m following his blog eye dull moments stargazer about me the crow home is in a small town in south central pennsylvania 45 miles as the crow flies north of baltimore i am a displaced southerner aging less gracefully than i d like a helluva lot faster than i d like but i m trying to slow things down a bit to make this ride last as long as possible view my complete profile blog plaid the crow s wings followers blog archive 2022 1 november 1 happy anniversary 2021 3 august 1 july 1 june 1 2020 6 december 1 june 1 may 2 april 2 2019 5 august 3 july 1 may 1 2018 5 december 1 october 1 august 1 june 1 january 1 2017 1 january 1 2016 11 december 1 november 3 september 2 march 3 january 2 2015 19 december 2 november 3 july 3 june 2 may 1 march 2 february 2 january 4 2014 8 november 3 october 1 september 1 july 1 march 2 2013 17 december 1 november 1 october 1 august 1 july 2 june 4 april 2 march 1 january 4 2012 30 december 2 october 4 september 1 august 4 july 8 june 3 april 1 march 4 february 2 january 1 2011 61 december 5 november 6 october 1 september 5 august 6 july 9 may 8 april 4 march 6 february 6 january 5 2010 62 november 2 october 4 september 1 august 7 july 12 june 2 may 3 april 1 march 3 february 16 january 11 2009 123 december 16 november 9 october 11 september 15 august 7 july 11 june 14 may 9 april 12 march 6 february 8 january 5 2008 30 december 2 november 12 october 16 meaningful quotes we are displaced by time marian marshall suplee griest late first mother in law spoken to me in january 1994 in a dream after her death we ve got to live no matter how many skies have fallen d h lawrence via whiskey river 8 22 2014 there is something scary about letting ourselves go it means that we will screw up that we will relinquish the possibility of perfection it means that we will say things we didn t mean to say and express feelings we can t explain it means that we will be onstage and not have complete control that we won t know what we re going to play until we begin until the bow is drawn across the strings while this spontaneous method might be frightening it s also an extremely valuable source of creativity the lesson about letting go is that we contain our own creativity we are so worried about playing the wrong note or saying the wrong thing that we end up with nothing at all jonah lehrer via whiskey river 10 22 2014 shrinking simple theme theme images by sololos powered by blogger
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