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Text of the page (random words):
about getting the tic taken care of posted in uncategorized 1 comment i am having trouble lately october 24 2009 by jen i am a little on the manic obsessive side this morning i ve been up for around four hours three of which have been spent thinking about looking at and engaging in writing part of me feels like a floodgate has opened where i am able to get stuff out of my head that has been festering another part of me feels like it ll never stop coming and i ll be stuck with all new festering headstuff i m wondering if i should mention to my psychiatrist this week that the meds don t seem to be taking the edge off of this stuff anymore i have been looking through old journals editing old poems and i am horrified to read how depressed i was i am even more horrified to read how many of my insecurities i expected to be cured by no longer being lonely and how many of them i am still shadowboxing with how hard it is for me to see my self as worthwhile talented lovable the up side is that i now have 18 poems to work with from 1994 to this morning the down side is that i now have 18 poems to work with from 1994 to this morning and i have no idea what to do with them the in between side is that if you had asked me last night i would never have guessed that i had so many poems at all much less ones i think are salvageable hell a couple of em i think are good and that s in the midst of feeling this insecure the tough thing is that it s hard to be depressed it s hard to do the work that goes along with trying to get better and it s really tough to feel like you re backsliding it s hard to admit that those years you ve sort of reduced to a series of stories were filled with honest to goddess pain and it s hard to admit that i spent a lot of time in my early twenties writing about wanting to die because i don t remember being that suicidal on one hand i can see how far i ve come in the past 12 or so years on the other i hope it doesn t take me another 12 to overcome the insecurities i ve been carrying for most of my life it s a sobering thing to realize that i ve spent my entire adult life suffering from depression and i only just started being treated for it i m glad i went through this stuff this morning but i now understand why i couldn t stand reading it before all of the confessions of misery seem melodramatic and overblown until you realize it s a disease not a personality weakness posted in bad mommy leave a comment out damn spot october 18 2009 by jen so you know it s like catharsis already man i have never felt so unable to get shit out in my entire life it s all balling up in my stomach all of the fear and well fear it s like writer s block only it covers absolutely everything i ve been art journaling for the past few weeks painting with watercolor mixed media y sorts of stuff and i love it i really do but it feels a little like nothing after the initial hey i made that i ve been feeling like dancing but there s either no space or the living room is full of people and i don t want an audience i just want to get some of this ick out of me i ve been feeling like singing too but the thing about having a musician for a husband even one as supportive and awesome as mine is that i am acutely aware that i drop out of tune constantly and go flat constantly and i end up singing half under my breath anyway because i m embarrassed i ve been writing poetry again this comes closest to the catharsis of anything but to be honest i can t shake the feeling that i need to be producing something remarkable already aside from the kids who are totally remarkable but seriously can we do away with the whole making babies as means of expression because i sure as hell didn t have kids as some sort of performance art magnum opus deal the other day yesterday maybe i went looking for a box in my big basket o stuff in the bedroom i pulled out lambs wool and yarn for lucy s loom a bag of fabric scraps and practice knitting and finally tucked into the basket in the back i found my box of herbs and candles and stones for spellcasting and for a minute after i marveled at how i always dreamed of having the house where you could dig in a basket and find yarn and batting and lambswool for spinning and a box of witchy stuff it s stuff like that that i want to be able to remember when i m feeling like maybe i have no business calling myself creative because this apartment is my creative space and all i have to do is stop judging myself long enough to enjoy it posted in uncategorized 1 comment i heart home october 12 2009 by jen ok so where were we ahem most importantly i have new boots they are cute and only vaguely in an larp y sort of way i would write about lucy s recovery but honestly it s just like having the pre surgery lucy home only with some chest scars and serious residual tape goo she is up and out of bed although she has discovered the glory of pajamas all day eating regularly reading like a fiend making stuff and generally giving her father and me a hard time i don t know what i expected post surgery but i didn t realize she would be so quick to seem normal still not allowed to go where there are large numbers of people which is pretty much everywhere round these parts but she s otherwise the same old lucy which is awesome even when she s copping an attitude but don t tell her that we are also doing lots of spider watching as ruby is just about the coolest thing ever she has been digging up her molted skin and reburying it changing her burrow around and generally being completely fascinating if you re looking for any one of us there s a good chance we re nose to glass at the vivarium still no news on whether ruby is indeed a she but as i m reading up on tarantula sexing this morning i m not sure that we ll conclusively know any time soon which really doesn t matter in the long run but i m a detail oriented sort of gal so you know midterms ugh words ugh that is all posted in broken hearted 1 comment disoriented october 3 2009 by jen a day in the picu is singularly surreal the people there are all friendly and aside from the kid that died the night before it s a remarkably calm place you see mostly the same people and after the second day you start to say hello and maybe one of the other parents comes to see your kid because hers is in a coma and there s little to do while you re waiting for your kid to wake up and you do your best to stay out of everyone s way while you thank god that your kid is the one who is going home in a few days that yours is complaining about the episode of dora you picked out already seen or the tray of clears i just want some ice cream and milk or that you leave the cubicle for a few minutes to grab some lunch and even though she has a chest tube and iv crammed into her neck and needs a blood transfusion and oh yeah the tramadol and morphine even though she is suddenly scared of every move the nurse makes and tells you every three minutes that she wishes she had done this last week last month when she was in pre k they can t throw much at you that comes close to the fear that you felt the day before when you kissed her cheek as she lay sleeping in the or and hoped that the guy running the machine that was working for her heart and lungs was as good at his job as he was at telling you how to order and feed praying mantises because clearly he senses a kindred spirit in the kid with the tarantula leaving the hospital with the kid who isn t lying prone in a bed is surreal the streets all look different when your kid is in so much pain when you spend so much time trying to give her space the sky looks strange the lobby of your building looks like a spacecraft you come into your apartment and you try to figure out what you re supposed to do next you try to imagine waking up in the morning and doing it all over again and literally can t fathom hearing and heeding the alarm except for knowing that you will catch hell from your kid if you don t you lay out your clothes and you throw some words together and you rub your aching back and wonder how your sicko kid and husband are faring and try to have some energy left for the other kid who just wants to have your undivided attention for the rest of eternity i am exhausted i am running on fumes and muscle soother and lip buttah and port wine cheese i am so grateful for the people at lij who are taking such good care of my baby and i am so so sorry for the family and friends who lost their baby last night i sat there holding my daughter s hand as the machine signaled that their kid s battle was lost i sat in the lounge as a man broke down in the hallway delivering the news and asking people to keep an ear open about what went down and my heart broke and i am thankful for these lessons i am getting the reminders that life is to be treasured and that feeling sorry for myself is a product of the part of me that wants to keep from accepting that suffering is part of life posted in uncategorized 3 comments 3 days september 29 2009 by jen i am not so much of a wreck today as i was last night last night was really bad following a really bad day anxiety by light depression by night i tell myself it s all normal i tell myself there is no normal but still my brain finds these ways to make me feel like everything is falling apart i started a paper journal the only words in it are words fail because as much as i love words there aren t any that i know that can cover the combination of it s no big deal and nothing will ever be the same that i feel i have so much i want to write about but it doesn t convert nicely to words right now i might try poetry speaking of poetry i have embraced my inner hormonal teenager and bleached my hair then added plum to try to tone it it is now this blotchy blond and faded purple which looks terrible down but i absolutely love it pulled up i may just keep it i got my period for the first time since before i got pregnant and after a shaky first day i give lunapads a big thumbs up especially the leopard print ones because it s nice to feel a little rock star when you re wearing your period panties i have informed all of lucy s teachers that she will be missing insert name of class here and all of my professors that i reserve the right to flake a little this week and next i m not likely to flake but if i do this way they know i have a legitimate reason i have passed the point of dreading the telling people because i can t handle having to assure them that everything is fine i have hit the point where i want to have everybody admire me for being the proud stoic matriarch i also want a proud stoic matriarch hat and maybe some white gloves and definitely a parasol and when i m not descending into faulknerian insanity i spend some time here in the real world but it s been really hard for the past week or so i keep trying to find things to distract me but i think this has been the wrong approach for the next few days i m going to pack and plan and prepare and hope for the best i may even wallow a little but i m mostly just going to put my head down and push through all of this crap posted in broken hearted leave a comment 6 days september 26 2009 by jen i am hesitant to write anything about our pre admissions visit yesterday on one hand it s a little look at me feel sorry for me even for my attention grubbing self on the other kids have surgery every day and when it s your kid who is having surgery there s little more comforting that remembering that fact and so the latter wins out i will most likely be doing a lot of we ing in this because i m not entirely sure that i m ready to address how i am feeling or what i am thinking we like the surgeon this is so critically important it sort of surprised me not that he has experience or credentials but that he sat with us for half an hour and explained first why we were doing the surgery and then how it would be done and after going over the risks he explained the many fail safes they have in place to do their best to keep any of the risks coming to pass we toured the pediatric icu where lucy will be for the first day after her surgery got our time and then were seen out to the lobby to reel a little bit before we were picked up and so now we have a plan we know who is getting us to the hospital who is watching the baby while we are there when it will start and when it should end and where we will go to see her when it is all over the picu is not nearly as bad as the neonatal icu was when she was born although i did well up with tears when we left it isn t fun and games there but at least the patients are larger we know we like the hospital the nurses the doctors we know where the cafeteria is and where to go to get non hospital coffee there s still a lot we don t know of course and the list of risks involves some pretty heinous stuff although mortality is at the very lowest point of riskiness we have to have a lot of trust thankfully we do i am both a wreck and completely handling this all remarkably well simultaneously even it s the strangest feeling to have this pain bubbling under the surface while knowing that it s not there because i m not processing things i ve been able to reduce the anxiety through exercise and distraction the depression is mostly contained by the welbutrin and the lack of concentration memory is just going to be there until this is over i am becoming less and less afraid that this will be the thing that drives me over the edge that my lack of breakdown indicates that it will be coming later i have to keep reminding myself that i had my breakdown i got help i have people who know that i have major depression and am being treated for it and that i will not just lose it and off myself it will be a long time before i get over the residuals of this fear but it s normal i would imagine for children of suicides i am trying to keep using words even though i feel sometimes as though half of my vocabulary has been sucked out through my ear even when i stammer or use the wrong word or mangle the pronunciation i m trying to use them anyway i feel somehow like words will be my salvation through all of this words and love i am switching to a paper journal to log the rest of this experience i think it warrants a book of its own and besides that i feel the need to buy myself something special to treat my feelings as important instead of as a burden and to coax my words to stay with me as steff would say i don t know whether to shit or go sailing posted in bad mommy uncategorized 2 comments 9 days september 23 2009 by jen it s the anxiety that is the worst not fear about the procedure or about getting behind on my work that i can deal with it s tangible the anxiety though the waking up fine and being overwrought with dread halfway through my morning coffee the need to move move move move to keep from becoming mired in terror it s starting to get to me one day of it was fine but this second is really terrible i am...
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