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ns have always been and always will be a part of my life why because i m addicted to hope it s nothing new i don t know if i ve read too many books seen too many movies it s everywhere really plays musicals television blogs podcasts a conflict is introduced a resolution closes things out and even though the resolution isn t always positive it can be a letdown there will be another conflict with a better resolution there always is but long before most of these things were part of my life i was hopeful a believer when i was 4 years old and in kindergarten my teacher told our class we were going to china i was absolutely ecstatic i firmly believed her obviously why would she lie to us i rushed home to tell my mother when she thoughtfully tried to manage my expectations i was appalled she wasn t there she didn t know we were going to china when the day arrived and we sat on the floor eating bowls of poorly cooked white rice i was shocked and then deflated i d never really liked that teacher but this seemed a particularly cruel joke oh i forgot to mention that on my first day of kindergarten my introduction to the whole concept of school when most of the children were crying i was excited to visit this new place and meet new people and start learning hopeful okay back to the story i don t remember if any of the other children were upset or even aware of what i saw as profound disillusionment i don t think so because i recall feeling very alone but i did not give up on teachers although this teacher was an utter disappointment due to her lie i know the word lie seems strong but i was a very serious child about china the way i feared raising my hand and asking her if i could go to the bathroom during weekly reader and an array of other unfortunate events i did not resolve to distrust all teachers as it turns out the next teacher i met my first grade teacher remains my favorite teacher because that s the way it goes when times are tough it means something better is around the corner this too shall pass right i don t really know how to live another way the bus breaks down there is the pleasure of unexpected downtime a bad breakup love will come again even when something is so tragic i know the only thing that will aid healing is time no matter how slowly it seems to move time does pass and even if it seems implausible i know deep down joy will eventually return to my life this coping mechanism has carried me far but it began to falter this year i ve never been an avid follower of politics or current events but i did keep informed about most major world issues until i snapped in early november i reached capacity part of the reason for this is what the rapid advance of technology has made available to us at such incredible speed and the other part is the number and intensity of actual events taking place since snapping i have avoided radio newspaper online news talking heads of all sorts and people who focus their attention in these areas i ve instead gravitated toward nature albeit mostly urban nature literature beauty peace and the belief in the capacity for human kindness that i know still exists i haven t decided if this is a sustainable way to live my life at times it seems i m avoiding reality or is it just another version of reality i don t know i m sure there are many wise arguments against living this way but it is where i am at this moment posted by denise at 9 50 am 10 comments labels culinary domestic stories thoughts travel wednesday november 9 2016 one step at a time i can still drink my coffee with eudora welty posted by denise at 9 36 am 4 comments labels stories thoughts tuesday november 8 2016 we can do this posted by denise at 10 41 am 5 comments labels thoughts thursday october 6 2016 join us at litquake san rafael i m getting these two bums off the sofa and we re heading to san rafael we will be joining writers and artists published in west marin review volume 6 this saturday october 8th for way out west west marin review showcase i ll be reading my short prose contribution to west marin review the rancher whispered and from my novel after the sour lemon moon saturday october 8 2016 4 30pm 5 45pm proof lab sr 907 4th street san rafael ca 94901 map we hope you ll join us posted by denise at 11 04 am 0 comments labels stories sunday september 25 2016 i m always a reader first ideal reading conditions 2016 my name is lucy barton by elizabeth strout have you read it i read the entire book in less than a day it s described as a story about a mother and daughter but it s really about so much more it s about a woman s soul which comes through in her story telling i photographed the title page in dappled front yard light which seemed to match lucy barton s story telling perfectly i recall all of these things as if lucy barton actually told this story as if it is not a work of fiction written by elizabeth strout why because it is how i feel i don t really want to believe otherwise part of me can t help but wonder how elizabeth strout did it did she know someone like lucy barton did this lucy barton friend share her story with elizabeth strout and did elizabeth strout then write the story down in a way that would get it published did elizabeth strout fabricate the entire story maybe elizabeth strout is lucy barton in more ways than she is not as a writer i am curious about the writer s inspiration as a reader i am not i do not care it is lucy barton s story i need not know more i m always a reader first while reading i do not think this is the case for all writers some writers read through writer s eyes and i think this is a shame i m tempted to go so far as to call this a misuse of reading material and if not a misuse then definitely a missing out on the intended use of the material that if the writing is good would certainly be far more gratifyingly read as a reader read my name is lucy barton as a reader no matter who you are you have every right to disagree with me but if you do keep it to yourself cheers posted by denise at 11 30 am 16 comments labels stories thoughts travel tuesday august 9 2016 sebald sentences transportation 2016 w g sebald is one of my favorite authors i might have mentioned this before i m currently reading vertigo for the first time as always reading just a page or two of sebald s writing transports me into a trancelike state sometimes all it takes is a sentence or two i folded the top left corner of page 84 earlier this morning so i could return to it and share the sentences below with you after barely an hour of breezy travel with the windows open upon the radiant landscape the porta nuova came into view and as i beheld the city lying in the semicircle of the distant mountains i found myself incapable of alighting strangely transfixed i remained seated and when the train had left verona and the guard came down the corridor once more i asked him for a supplementary ticket to desenzano where i knew that on sunday the 21st of september 1913 dr k filled with the singular happiness of knowing that no one suspected where he was at that moment but otherwise profoundly disconsolate had lain alone in the grass on the lakeside and gazed out at the waves in the reeds sebald died young at 57 years old only 11 years after this book was published his books have been described as difficult to characterize and i wholeheartedly agree what i think i respond to most in his work is the way it both carries me to faraway places and reminds me to be present and live fully a thoroughly satisfying albeit slightly disorienting combination posted by denise at 11 49 am 8 comments labels stories thoughts travel thursday august 4 2016 the sofa would probably be reincarnated indigo 2016 we ve needed to replace our sofa for quite some time now but have put it off our comfortable sofa loaded with memories is sadly waiting on the sidewalk in front of our apartment for the bulky item recycling pickup i scheduled our new sofa arrives tomorrow it s a beautiful indigo and i don t even care i bought the sad sidewalk sofa when i lived on my own in chicago i didn t have any furniture at all so i didn t waste much time making a decision i needed a place to sit so i simply walked into the showroom and without much thought selected a model and fabric and that was that no perusing pinterest or apartment therapy or design blogs of any sort because they didn t exist back then and if there was anything of the sort it wouldn t have mattered because i didn t know about it my new sofa was delivered to my empty apartment not long after my visit to the showroom it was gorgeous and new and i loved it i hadn t even met my husband yet a few other gentleman might have sat on the sofa before i met him but we won t get into that when i moved into my first apartment in san francisco which ended up being our my husband when he was my boyfriend and me first apartment in san francisco the sofa moved with me the apartment was supposed to be my apartment but the rental market was brutal and someone saw a window to worm his way into my life i didn t argue then the sofa moved with us to our second sf apartment where we got married on the roof deck with a view of the golden gate bridge a very special day and it moved with us again to the tiny apartment we moved into so i could afford to go to graduate school we re still here i know it seems crazy but maybe it isn t we like it here usually another story for another day then the sofa rode with us in a u haul truck and lived with us in point reyes station ca when we thought we were transitioning our lives to west marin the transition was never completed again we ll save those details for another day the sofa was brought back to our little apartment in the city and it has served us well through all of these changes in our lives until we moved it out to the sidewalk early this morning i feel i ve betrayed it in some way like there s something more i should have done i m clearly not handling this sofa departure well at all i know different people have different definitions of what constitutes needing a sofa but you can trust me when i tell you the fabric was not just bordering on embarrassing and the cushions although fluffed regularly had really lost their oomph and the style it was a bit dated maybe more than a bit but honestly i could have lived with dated it was the wear and tear that solidified the poor guy had absolutely reached retirement age yes my sofa is male i don t know how i know the pickup schedule was full tomorrow so we decided to just go one day without a sofa we were asked to have it outside at 6am this morning so we woke up early and maneuvered that giant out the front door as we d agreed we would i took a ferry to sausalito and sausalito really was at its best today it felt good to be there the fog and the mist were beautiful and the library was quiet but then i remembered the sofa and started feeling nostalgic i tried to distract myself with the purchase of a huge ripe tomato no i haven t tasted it yet my fingers are crossed it will be our first ripe tomato of the season usually very exciting but the sofa i assumed it would be picked up before i returned home i got home today around 2pm and it was still there on the sidewalk now it is 5 30pm and nothing has changed i ve called the service twice i fear it will be out there all night every time i walk past the sofa or look outside i feel terrible i imagine it s cold and lonely out there without our bodies to keep it warm i wish we could have donated it but my research showed it was not in the proper condition for donation the last time we scheduled a pickup for a piece of furniture we had it out of the apartment at 6am and it was picked up by 7am done and i didn t even care about that item my husband offered that the sofa would probably be reincarnated and this idea made me feel much better i m thinking it will be a goat or a saguaro cactus in its next life just a gut feeling wait i hear a truck nope wrong truck posted by denise at 5 41 pm 6 comments labels domestic stories thoughts wednesday july 27 2016 what is now endpapers 2016 i was reading a book of poems written by a woman who decided to take up poetry at the age of 90 a book offering more illumination than i was prepared for this evening illumination of so many things what it might feel like to lose a spouse and miss that spouse desperately the experience of reading your own writing many years after the words were written and realizing that beautiful part of yourself is gone the gratification of taking a stand on a small thing but one that will change each remaining year of your life demanding no one buy you birthday gifts at 90 years old the relief felt no more false gratitude required the energy of those little lies returned to you and just as she gets me thinking about my future i turn the page to find an interview where she is quoted it is very constrictive and destructive to always be living beyond the moment to be preparing so i lean forward resting my right elbow on this book my chin in my hand and look at the wall for a while appreciating what is now poems from the pond posted by denise at 6 17 pm 12 comments labels domestic poetry stories thoughts sunday july 24 2016 on perfect schedules and saint barthélemy design your perfect schedule what would you do say on tuesday at 10 a m or on friday at 3 p m to make your life meaningful what when you really come down to the quotidian details does it look like every day to have time to do good work to spend quality time with your family and friends and to refresh your soul july 24 2016 5 08pm i m in my husband s office hiding from the sun on the desk i m using and therefore awkwardly positioned beside some file cabinets stacked with books i found the questions above somewhere in january of 2015 and although at the time i thought answering them would be worthwhile have put them off until now a perfect schedule there cannot be such a thing but i ll try and pretend there could be such a thing for the sake of this exercise with the hope it will at least move me closer to perfection than i am now let s begin with tuesday at 10 a m okay where am i is this only a perfect schedule a perfect schedule seems as though it would require a perfect setting i have no idea where the perfect setting is located but i once spent several days on an island named saint barthélemy in a beautiful bungalow with a small private pool and room service i was young and impressionable and had read it was a favorite getaway for young attractive jet set celebrity types and that was all i needed along with a credit card i was in it was a long time ago it seems like a different life but i do remember quite a bit about this place especially the general feeling of being there i recall details such as appreciating the bar soap in our bathroom and i don t even like bar soap everything was white and beautiful and impeccably clean there was a boombox and the hotel had ...
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