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Text of the page (random words):
ldren to live and i m intimately aware of my own pleas when we say we would have done anything to save our children i believe us eternal damnation does not seem like too high a price but we don t know because frankly i don t believe we ever get to make that choice the offer is never made which brings me to wonder about this need to profess continued faith while living a life parenting a dead child if i would have given my soul to save my child s life then how could hanging onto religious faith comfort me in my sorrow i suspect that i suffer the pain of my child s death with or without faith so i question is faith and grief truly related is grieving the loss of a child a mark or sign that one isn t faithful enough jesus wept and well wait why does faith default to christianity what about other faiths and beliefs i don t intimately know the grief response of other monotheisist or polytheisist religions moreover i wonder about the so called faithless agnostic who professes a belief that humans have a biological predisposition to be compassionate and loving toward others and a bereaved parent who professes no belief in god there are moms who profess no religious faith they suffer as much as i and they heal as well as i i will not be so self righteous or delusional to believe they suffer more that would be arrogant and wrong i respect that religious faith gives many comfort in fact the traditions of my faith were and continue to be of great comfort to me with wonderful prayers and rituals to honor my child and grieve her death and help me feel a sense of hope but i just wonder why the need to profess not wavering is it the sense of control of something when we couldn t save our child or when we realized that our faith had no power to save our child i lost my child but at least i didn t lose my faith that i have the power to keep what are the implications for those who do lose their faith or whose faith wavers i can t help but hear the clear comparison of i m better than those who wavered or lost their faith and well that s just not particularly loving or charitable now is it more importantly it doesn t truly comfort the one who professes with those words that sentiment is mere fragments it s a blanket with superior ity holes and it won t warm or protect and when i hear it said or see it written i shrink with sadness finally why do some bereaved parents use the death of their children to propagate their particular faith my child died but i still trust in god and you should too they say one statement i ve heard that simply stuns me is this he has shown himself in this god is great no god but god i honestly don t understand how that is related to the horror of losing a child it tells me i can still praise god even though my child died well i must say and this may be shocking but i don t see how it s related in tandem i don t understand the sentiment that the death of a child is a test from god of an parent s faith in him really god caused my child to die to test my faith that cannot possibly be the same god who blessed me with my child to show his love i m sorry no i m not sorry i don t want anymore of this oh then i get told that i can t be angry with god for taking my child because he blessed me with her really i m not angry with god i m angry with those who assume i have some anger at god when what i believe is that god was and is helpless to change the world god put in motion and that god weeps with me i can reason it no other way now this could go on and on and on with a fencing battle for me to own my grief and honor my love for my child by allowing myself to feel the emotions that arise from her death and those who need me to keep my faith above all else i ve felt attacked with statements meant to guilt remember that god gave his only son suggesting that i should not feel as horrible as i feel because god felt worse ok brace yourself because for the traditionalist this will sound like blasphemy but it s irrelevant god knows how bad this feels then god knows that i need to feel how bad this feels and learn to heal and if we re going to go literal on the bible here god s son was dead for three days then he went home god got his wish his child lives with him again it is mary that wailed with bereavement until her own ascension to heaven now i just wish there were a safe place to pose this volatile query but i ll get skewed for sure and prayed over and pitied for not understanding and bible versed at and well i don t have the energy for all that nor do i desire to make others uncomfortable or feel a challenge to their beliefs so i ll just keep this to myself or not maybe i and others should think about this loss of faith thing maybe a careful look is deserved my final thought from my own religious tradition but the greatest of these is love posted by caitsmom at 8 39 am no comments labels bereaved parent reason and religion saturday april 13 2019 a year and then some nearly two years it has been since i ve written we moved i m farther away from caitlin s grave it s odd i m fine really thoughts in no particular order but not random the show this is us needs to study the child death traumatic death experience they get it wrong on so many levels and seriously do not use the nicu as a place where moms casually drink coffee around their premi babies and oh screw it they don t care ratings are up when you dramatize moms whose babies might die people with children who know you had a living child should well just never complain to you about their mom struggles really find someone with a living child i would die to have your problems fuck cancer i m done with it killing my family and friends fu cancer should i consider it progress if i remember and ruminate over regrets and happenings from before she died does that mean that i m returning to normal it feels as crappy as it did then so no not progress regression still fine i think that s the best i can hope for peace posted by caitsmom at 10 52 pm 1 comment labels bereaved parent child loss saturday december 16 2017 schmeh the holidays i m not sure when it happened but over the years i ve come to feel nothing about the holidays i don t care much for thanksgiving that american day of food and family was destroyed after my daughter s death it s just not a time to blather about what i m thankful for and now with the political climate i see more clearly the oppression of the descendants of indigenous people that we read american white settlers destroyed so we could have what we have i could likely make the four day weekend about family and friends and love and sometimes i attempt it mostly though i m apathetic and most recently it became the holiday i last saw my daughter s grandmother alive so yeah thanksgiving sucks and after the relief of going back to work i continue to work pretty hard at just surviving the latest crazy like merry christmas a phrase that was nice for so so so many years there was a time that if you wanted you could include the new year with a happy holidays i can t say either one of these phrases in public anymore without a store clerk or other stranger judging my political leanings despite the greeting i choose i still say these greetings to people i know with sincerity but out there in public i say thanks and have a nice day because that s how i really feel that s the best i can hope for them and me a nice day a nice day that s not a holiday sometimes i snark enjoy whatever holiday you may or may not celebrate perhaps i should find a better phrase nope have a nice day is just fine i need to breathe in some joy i m empty posted by caitsmom at 5 43 pm no comments labels christmas holidays wednesday july 19 2017 i looked up i look up weeping into the sunshine goldfinch flit past my eyes flashing bits of brilliant sunlight within my reach gentle breezes caress my bare arms drying my wet and heavy tears coaxing me enjoy this day coldness from the rock where i am still seeps into me spreads throughout me i take my sorrow and go inside to wait for night where darkness always receives me preventing any distractions from grief i look up turning my face to the darkness waiting for a familiar coldness to overtake me i listen for my sobs but i am not overcome i marvel instead at the near moon light surrounded by blackness a white curved glow piercing the expansive nothing a hope quickens within and a thought forms if the moon in it s passivity can conquer the night i can in my patience conquer this death that eats me today i wept in the sunshine tomorrow i will smile remembering the moon posted by caitsmom at 8 09 am no comments labels arts nature poetry surviving tuesday july 18 2017 her sign this summer i taught music teaching techniques as i have done for years the first day of teaching i walked into a classroom to get materials ready on the piano was a book opened to close to you by the carpenters it made me smile i thought of caitlin anne and singing this song to her everyday along with the other lullabies i sang each visit this was her father s song that his mother sang to him as a lullaby and because she sang it to him i sang it to caitlin the next day and the next day the book remained opened to that song i didn t change it and neither did anyone else we used the piano but never closed the book or put it away i didn t want to lose the opportunity to accept the invitation to sing the song so on friday of the first week i sat down and played and sang it uninterrupted i plunked through the chords and added a bit of harmony and sang the melody softly when i finished i left the book open saturday we received news that the lump they found in his mother s lung was cancer the news knocked the air out of me i don t think that song was a sign from caitlin to me it seems caitlin sent a song to her grandmother through me belief makes things real we have become witnesses again to a family member s journey home the song remained opened until the end of second week i took a pictures of the book on the last day i taught and shared them with caitlin s grandmother in the hospital the following month she smiled and looked at her son that s our song music is the thread the drew that smile from her posted by caitsmom at 10 20 am no comments labels family music signs work thursday november 17 2016 loosed hatred yesterday was my daughter s death date yesterday as i tried to remain focused on my daughter honor her memory with my actions and words to others reflect in peace and gratitude for the grief that visits me to remind me of my brief role as a mother reflect on the complexity of love that both heals and hurts i found an intrusion of unwelcome thoughts of fear i ve been reeling from the election we elected a narcissistic and racist individual someone who is a failed businessman an accused child rapist a person who brags about sexual assault who openly praises p utin and his leadership who refuses to pay people for their work who would like to abolish free speech and who politifact found tells the truth less than 10 of the time several times throughout the day as i tried to remain focused on her my thoughts were rudely and violently yanked to a two second gif of our president elect mocking a disabled person i ve been told that he didn t mean it i saw it i watched him mock a disabled person it wasn t an edited clip he sure as f k meant it i worried about how i would protect her from people like him how would i make sure she knew she was loved how would i shield her from hurtful bullying and cruel words and worse cruel actions that f cker has not one compassionate caring bone in his body and he has emboldened the cruel words and actions of many around the country the very leader of the free world manipulates and mocks and i feel helpless to protect children like my daughter from that model my teacher friends and students in my area and around the country are witnesses to the loosed hatred and bullying pretty soon you guys will all be slaves again was a black student s story to a group now i can grab you or any other chick by the pussy was a tweet from one of my 20 something female college students faggot painted on a car of an acquaintance she can t talk because she s a filthy muslim from a fifth grader our president is going to send your parents back to mexico from a third grader at the lunch table these are real and he is silent and no one is really expecting any words of condemnation from a bully i can t breathe posted by caitsmom at 9 15 pm 4 comments labels anger fear politics thursday september 8 2016 narcissism grief let s see if i can make this story short i m convinced one of my colleague s is a narcissist this person is focused on self to a degree that has destroyed past and present friendships and work relationships i probably shouldn t write about this but i will i have a few things to say that i can t say to this person directly any attempt to reason or engage in adult conversation will likely feed the tornado i did my homework the psychologist s advice for working for a narcissist is leave recently this person was unsuccessful in winning a bid for administrative control at my workplace i was blamed for that outcome here s my silent responses i voted my conscience i made the voices of those without power heard no threats or promises to destroy my credibility reputation or affection of others will deter me from continuing in a manner that honors who i believe i am and who i aspire to be you may be successful in dimming my light from others but that s not happening with my permission or without my push back success in actually destroying my credibility reputation or affection of others may hurt me but my life experiences assure me that nothing will ever destroy me after surviving and learning to thrive in this life after the death of my child excepting my own death in which case that stuff won t matter anymore i am the boss of my emotions and you have no power over me i continue to be grateful for the kindnesses you showed to me in the past although i suspect they may have had selfish motivations my gratitude for the deeds stand i will be kind but i won t be manipulated or a become a complacent receptacle for your anger i wish you didn t believe that hurting others would make your grief lessen i wish you peace and release from the sorrows you bear posted by caitsmom at 9 04 pm no comments labels child loss gratitude work saturday september 3 2016 cemetery visit year nine i made it to the cemetery yesterday i went without anything i used to have items in the trunk of my car so that if i went i was never empty handed i have a new car and the stuff from the old one didn t make it into the trunk so i was relieved and comforted that one of the butterflies was still there from a year ago and that some human angel s left some items there a comfort i dusted off the grass as there was a recent mowing and i laid some empty canvas bags on her grave and sat and read john o donahue s...
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