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Text of the page (random words):
other sensation entirely this morning when i looked up at those trees one last time before turning the final bend to the bus stop i noticed a rhythmic creak that became the sound of crickets in the house of my japanese teacher twelve years ago in yamanashi the insects called out again and again as we conjugated verbs and drank from sweating cups of iced buckwheat tea when i commented on it that pleasant trilling like a little reed flute my teacher led me to a wooden cage beneath the stairs where the crickets were kept the sound gives us a cool feeling in the hot summer months it takes us to another season synesthesia i remember saying it almost seems like that she nodded a good word wasurenai i will not forget share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized oct 28 an architecture of empathy posted by tracy franz 2 for as long as i can remember i ve dreamt of impossible houses simple stark exteriors that belie the infinite labyrinthine structures contained within a closet that is really a chambered corridor spiraling ever inward nautilus like before expanding out into a bedchamber the size of a cathedral an endless hallway of identical doors leading to identical dens save for slight variations in the arrangement of furniture a swimming pool wending its way through the dark stacks of a subterranean library often there are landmarks of recognition a character a dwelling a room an object from my past sometimes it is entirely unexplored territory either way i spend my nights mapping an interior landscape that reveals and reveals and reveals i don t know why i have these dreams but i do know that they mess with my equilibrium well after i awaken that altered perspective staying with me for hours or days after some months ago the four of us made our way around the grounds of an old nova scotia farm and a familiar feeling came over me a kind of recognition it was i realized the first time i had felt truly compelled by the architecture of this new country and so i started taking pictures hand hewn crossbeams the sturdy hinges of a barn door stairs disappearing into shadow it seemed there was a revelation in every angle as we moved into and out of buildings my daughter repeatedly patted my hip a touchstone of sorts before running a few paces forward and then back again koun and boy walked far ahead on some other mission mama where s the piggy the pigs we d been told were to be found in a hay filled corner of the barn before us as we entered into darkness girl took my hand and then leapt up into my arms when we found what we d been searching for a great sow at rest a row of content piglets suckling alongside her a woman probably there with her grandchild stepped back and offered her spot at the railing do you want to get closer girl clutched my arms tightly but nodded the woman next to us smiled as she turned to leave what a sweetheart you re lucky you know girls are so much easier than boys girl and i and the pigs rested for a moment in the shadows mama yes the piggies want to go outside stepping back out into sunlight girl squirmed free of my arms and i took one last photo the skeletal ribs of a hay wagon and the spare houses beyond it that had been my aim but the sun s glare refracted against the screen in such a way that i framed the subject blindly and so when i reviewed the image later i saw that i had missed my mark but caught what i could not then see my daughter just on the verge of stepping out of the photograph exuding a carefree simplicity as she strutted along her path i thought a girl is a house an idea a doorway a mystery a universe unfolding share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized sep 30 inside boy s mind posted by koun 0 a couple weeks ago as i was putting him to bed i told boy for the first time about my travel plans this weekend to los angeles boy has never been to l a he drinks this in and says papa i have a secret what i ask leaning in los angeles yes is inside my brain he taps his head with his finger to make the point i try to clarify wait a minute so when i go to l a i m actually going inside your brain he nods seriously yes how will i get there he pulls back his blanket and points to his big toe in the dark you ll start here in your airplane he slowly traces the path i ll take up his leg jumping from his hip to his hand then up his arm across his neck and over his face to the top of his head that s far that s the farthest place you can go is that the farthest place in the world japan is farther but it s too far it s outside my brain i tell him that my brother will be meeting me there so will uncle b be in your brain too he looks at me like i m stupid yes he ll be in los angeles and los angeles is inside my brain again the tap so i get it last night after a couple chapters of charlotte s web we found our way back to this the location of l a my route he sits up and says papa i m going to try to visit you in los angeles inside your brain you can do that how he looks down at his covers for a long time i don t know i can t do it yet he nods as if to assure himself but i m going to figure it out this morning i m in toronto already waiting for my next flight this airport is exactly like all airports on any other day i could imagine that i m anywhere on earth but today there is another layer the pleasure of imagining that these hallways and overpriced restaurants might be the microscopic contours of the inside of my son s foot the scale changes amplifies i smile at the idea that inside my small boy there might be a place this spacious and quiet that there might be so many people with different faces and stories i like that he might be trying to find a way inside himself that inside his mind is where we meet if i were to look up and see boy here in this departure lounge sitting between the two chinese girls across from me i d smile and give him a thumbs up you did it we d get a snack he d play on the moving walkways i d tell him halfheartedly to stop we d watch the planes take off and land against the wide blue sky and i d lean over and tell him you re so big you re bigger even than all of this share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jul 18 ichi go ichi e posted by tracy franz 0 lately a mere two months away from the one year anniversary of our arrival to nova scotia from japan i ve found myself lifted and carried by a flood of memory maybe it s the change in season new life s surge or reverse culture shock i m due or my undeniably middle aged status 40 or my sporadic engagement with social media an endless yet ephemeral reunion of souls but again and again i ve been feeling that pang of emotion that accompanies vivid remembrance of those who have passed into and out of my life how do we reconcile ourselves to the loss of those we have loved the changed the hardened the dead those separated from us by time and distance and circumstance or by our own flawed choices and habits how do we find peace when this is our terrible and unrelenting reality travelers and expats know this struggle all too well the gain and loss of human connection is a huge part of the territory we are always saying goodbye forever always one time one meeting that old japanese tea ceremony adage is keenly felt constant and constantly jarring of course it is this very experience that contributes to a unique and broadened view one much more difficult to achieve when safe in the comforts of origin and home having children forces this perspective too perhaps at a greater rate and depth i hadn t known that as parents we cannot help but grasp the raw reality of a human life its brief and transient nature frankly i think it is much easier to overlook the arc of our own lives than to ignore that of those who are under our continual watch and care with our children we bear witness each day we meet a new version of our child each day we say goodbye to the child who was it is both joyful and wrenching this microcosm of human experience and yes it can seem overwhelming at times but it has been one of my greatest teachers there is no peace when it comes to abiding the impermanence of our bonds with others not in that blissful light happy sense of the word anyway there is just acceptance of what is and what will never be again we are grateful for what we have this moment we mourn what we have lost all those moments that came before there is no neat separation between the positive and negative because this is truth complex and blindingly simple on those days that i feel the loss most deeply as a traveler or as a mother or as a human of 40 years my reconciliation is in practice in simply being present at the center of a vast river of encounter this deluge of memory all i have known and loved in every moment i meet your past present and future selves the many versions of you i hold you in my mind in a wordless embrace there is nothing to say my heart is breaking i am grateful i am share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jun 10 night sickness posted by koun 6 the week of norovirus when we all took turns being hooked up to ivs you never forget the first time that someone just throws up all over you until a few years ago i would have taken this statement as true not universal of course i know that some people experienced college for example in messy and hard to piece together ways still the gag reflex is a powerful way of marking time i know it was boy but i no longer know when a few nights when he was 1 year old all run together for me we would wake to a horrible sound from his room something far beyond coughing and find him sitting up in his crib in the dark just vomiting all over himself eyes asking us what is going on one of us would scoop him up trying to calm him down and get him out of his pajamas and the other would start the hurried and mechanical process of searching for towels changing sheets just trying to put things in order on a good night it happened only once on a rough one it might go until morning he made his way down the list of stomach bugs as if it was a matter of pride in each case a doctor the next day was able to cheerfully point to a chart and show us that this was just another completely routine event in the life of a small person but no matter how many times a 1 year old throws up it still doesn t make any sense to him his little body is suddenly and violently completely outside of his control he s being turned inside out probably following minutes or hours of nausea and having no way of communicating it to the only people who might be able to help even for me as an adult there is no worse feeling it s debilitating it reduces us to the most powerless versions of ourselves boy is 5 now and this nighttime scene is a thing of the distant past girl never had these problems even when she was sick they ve both passed that age of being constantly ill and if they do feel sick they understand what s happening and can go hover over the open toilet like the rest of us do it s a strange ritual to see played out by someone not even three feet tall i m happy for them and for us when i see them do it it s so clean all of this is a long way of pointing to the memory of those sick nights of the moment just after we d find him retching in his crib in every telling i probably hesitate there s always that pause as my eyes adjust to the dark and take in what is happening verifying that it s already too late to make any of it ok i reach down into the crib to my tiny vomit covered boy who is trying to cry but can t because his body is too busy doing something else and he reaches back up to me and i hold him close in the dark as he just barfs all over me over and over limp and convulsing and confused intimacy is such a beautiful word and i use it often when i speak of beautiful buddhist teachings but the image in my head is of this encounter of my hand against his heaving back and the hot slow avalanche running down and into my shirt the trust and the fear in his little grabbing hands and later after he falls back asleep in new pajamas and new sheets me standing outside the house at 3am with a hose in one hand to wash everything off waving with the other hand to make the motion sensitive light stay on long enough to get the job done strangely awake in the jarring rare clarity of knowing there is really nothing more to be done than this share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized apr 24 a small matter of consequence posted by tracy franz 1 he looks so familiar i think a man in his 30s probably an immigrant from china angry and talking to himself as he strides down the sidewalk toward me and away from the scene of another man also in his 30s but with a dirty blond beard driving a bright yellow snowplow violently against a massive mountain of snow i say china because after ten years in japan i ve developed an ear for asian languages i say violently because the driver is jerking the machine powerfully back and forth to clear the evidence of two days worth of nova scotia storm when the driver sees me a white woman 40 in a fashionable coat walking toward him with a young boy in tow he immediately stops and backs his vehicle out of our path i am grateful for the chance to pass because we are late collecting my daught...
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