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Text of the page (random words):
y appearance for dont believe for a minute i was not taken in by that for example you r conversation stinks well suppurates deodorised to its soporific end heigh ho to be at the point where i no longer so much need to say and you so that i can say it isnt it great and this time you will not take away the knowledge that this is victory this is to refuse to be the worm by turning till i m dizzy above all this is the act of no mother but of a imagine we have got through once again how long for this time arent we resilient see us wha s like us not each other anyway as they tentatively put it friend i shall be very happy to go with you to much ado man you did me a favour i acknowledge it no wonder your little girls etc find you fascinating i dont of course but well you understand like you with me it would be such a bore to let you get away as they say only hell dont do it again well not until the spring say i saw john dexter rehearsing the university group open to the public it was it was not merely a sadistic experience he s really interested in the text robert was a fool to be bored your robert not ours that evening of marijuana i d bought some hash from gio for eric s birthday eric was frightened to smoke robert had a joint as it was then called i was having scenes where the picture had a soundtrack from another scene until finally i came as i thought down and asked robert what it was like thinking i d been making it entertaining on robert s answer it was boring i put my hand to my mouth and fled the scene going upstairs of a parked bus which drove me home without my being asked for a fare while i was thinking about time which was still doing peculiar things like part reversing while another part was continuing my terror being i was trapped forever in the psychosis i got off the bus instinctively at the right stop and was indecisive whether to phone robert or not to tell him it hadn t been over that that had been the halfway point until i realised robert would know from my flight and that my realisation of that did mean it was over that high was better than the lsd one the girl was stripping off on the bed the good boy had a blue green halo round him the bad boy was pacing with intent to walk through the chocolate cake on the floor i stood in the centre of the room surveying the chaos and wanted it cleared away i may have blinked the next instant it was cleared and there was no one there but me on the same spot i couldn t know for sure what had happened though i deduced that on my wish which he himself would ve prompted my man had taken over and made the others clear up and clear off and then jokily put me back exactly where and as i d been in order to give me the illusion of instant wish fulfilment and something to think about my deduction was confirmed by the return of the bad boy who reported there d been something evil in the room my man i ruefully thought the boy was not attributing the evil however to me while relieved he wasn t i wondered why not since whether i d moved or not spoken or not the evil must ve emanated in the first instance from the physical me i didn t enquire further he went on first he d sat on the steps outside the room that not being far enough he d gone along the landing to sit on the stairs down to the door of my flat then he went out onto the staircase of the house still not far enough he went out the house door and beyond into the city itself he was being pushed away by my peripatetic spirit i asked why he d come back since it d seem likelier he d do anything but his rationalisation he didn t know where else to go at that time of the morning was plausible enough having pushed him out my man had pulled him back in to confirm my deduction what had happened 313 his oct 25th have the tickets for much ado nov 8th 7 30 p m very satisfied grand circle cheap marion dogged school to get them gave her the money on saturday in boots black affronted her with jeans etc didn t believe i was her history teacher i don t i said on saturdays you don t they said flattering 143 in a separate envelope sellotaped to 309 144 on opposite page 145 i press one button 146 second button pushed no need to go on i m trying i don t know how unconsciously for the correspondence scenario instigated 177 which entails a break up posted in uncategorized tagged at last an answer eric macdonald gio ian hamilton finlay john dexter lsd marion much ado about nothing robert trotter the close leave a comment correspondence 34 tour de force posted on march 13 2021 by johnbrucecairns 295 16 aug i was petrified when you went out of the window afraid even to move over to stop you in case my movement caused you to fall 298 25 aug i was aware of being a bore to you but you it seemed turned me into a bore because you dont expect anything any more 299 his aug 26th not sad so much for you as for me with you it is not just that when everything is considered important nothing is or fair enough if i presume you will be boring then you will 301 his sept 4th oh maria thinks i know everybody can talk to anyone 302 8 sep dont let s entirely break friendship please i ve seen it one hears the echoes everywhere the breakup between all the writing people i know remember it s not me neither is it you it s the country that s the enemy the spirit of the place is destructive let s hang on a bit longer 303 his sept 11th it was not worthwhile explaining to you that i said i do not mean you because earlier i d said something which you took to yourself and i did not want you to repeat the mistake but what is the use maria waited for you outside and did not leave until she was assured everyone had left i told her you d probably not mentioned it to me in order not to aggravate her offence against you of course i was wrong to say this plate 1 self portrait moment of no lie relates to letter 33 plate 2 threepence complicated relates to letter 38 plate 3 3 poems within fear relates to letter 53 plate 4 john i ll be with you relates to letter 65 plate 5 elizabeth thoms clark when love comes down relates to letter 166 plate 6 bulletin on the critical condition relates to letter 173 plate 7 february 14th 1966 nous sommes relates to letter 251 plate 8 bulletin on the critical condition relates to letter 173 305 douglas bank broomhill gardens glasgow w1 1966 on tuesday september 13 dear john i was on one of my paranoiac the man is the enemy jags that s what it must have been because i certainly took nothing you said that might have seemed at me to my heart enough to remember it still i suppose i imagined an attitude but it was paranoia as i said the manis the enemy mood quite absurd it went in two days assaulted by a reconciliation scene on telephone with the man i nearly sent the taxifare to i thank my scruples that i did not send money he had been ill his words after our strange parting i had not expected that to have to apologise in the circumstances mended my hurt pride if that s what it was considerably not to be the one who was dying of it this time was lovely and i could fully enjoy it because 2½ weeks ill unless i mistake getting around all the time is not too near the grave to make me feel really ashamed instead of powerful and to think i wasnt even trying makes me feel at this date better late than never une marginale femme fatale which i hardly expected and it s great to play at being a wicked trifling woman is fun just this once again but as a practice no it s too expensive 137 oh maria honestly i thought until i thought about it again later that i had without fuss of course said goodbye i went away i had not thought of maria waiting at the door later i admit i began to wonder should i have gone off like that and yet i could not have faced her with an implied obligation perhaps to have coffee with me and talk when we might have had nothing to say it was because i began to recollect the lack of finality when i saw maria i could not dare to speak about it my time which is priceless by the way you cant buy even if you were a lot richer than you comparatively speaking are 138 my time even more than my talent these days alas has to be given because it cannot be paid for i know its value you see if i decide having a free choice to give my time for the good of someone else then i find i cant take money money is either irrelevant or insufficient exchange for any person s time once they are fully aware of its value to themselves and dont be hurt that i cannot take money from you i could not take it from my own daughter my myth about money being no rate of exchange between consenting adults has worked on me i m afraid who would have predicted it people among my own most dear ones do these days such unworthy things for money that i find at the moment that i want for the sake of my private balance to do just one or two worthy things for no money to help me keep my belief in the possible idealism in the human i shall call it soul i realise that it would have made it easier for you if you could pay me but it would be dishonest if i pretended you could i dont believe in your talent unless i am willing to do something about it take money and cancel that 306 his sept 15th what a lovely long letter i agree money is irrelevant so you can have some of my surplus 139 i m delighted you won t take money my goodness more for me there should be more like you in the world it would be a better place i can accept your generosity very easily it s just that i don t like you to be hard up unnecessarily self denying when i unusually i admit have excess and you are a friend since i m not a saver excess money is of no use and i ld rather it were spent if not by me then by someone i like i know i m probably undermining the govt s financial policy but i can t help that you re worse than a credit squeeze 307 his 24 sep sink then 140 308 26 park circus glasgow c 3 dou 0377 oct 2nd 1966 dear betty i met betty clark the other day delighted to see her i was reduced to depression in an hour less and the effect would have remained with me had i not seen steven berkoff laughed and left the close to read my doris lessing indeed she is a feminist and in her trilogy not as intelligent and unsentimental as in the golden notebook or play with a tiger 141 these poor women without a sense of humour betty was condescending to tell me i shouldn t condescend to her or else no more letters some ludicrous sanction like that she is unaware of her impertinence or perhaps aware but not that it s a paranoic sic ploy i expect she lacks confidence she certainly should as a person though her writing s improved since i ve known her e g since she lacks any conversational gift in fact i ve seldom met a woman more able to staunch the source in any but herself which of course is not dialogue at all she has the cheek to justify it by asserting that anyway conversation does not lend itself to expansive thought though i don t wonder she lacks such an experience as if her monologues thereby did poor pet i don t think she can help herself a sense of humour would help at any rate to mitigate the effect of her awful sense of self importance which is powerful strong or to prevent deadening overexplicitness in the hypercriticism and even if you overcome these obstacles to free speech she has a practically unique knack of not meeting your meaning but wormlike dragging the leaf down into her burrow where it s transmuted out of all resemblance to its original self in short has become manure pure shit and you re expected to accept this as what you meant christ as if after overcoming all that to love her for herself alone wasn t enough if you don t accept her word on herself as gospel worse than a fundamentalist she lectures you on how to treat her just like one of the more rare diseases that s a fact that s what i got you can t have a mind of your own it s against the law it was all very wearisome i expect she s unhappy sadness is all she has to give at any rate you ve been warned so steer clear of her i m going to really it s too silly but if she s not going to write to me and even then she says her letters were a pack of lies i can t keep dropping stones into the well listening to the splash when i know it s bottomless and void that ld be plain daft and on this she s dead right we ve nothing to communicate funny to think she used to be interesting to talk to but that was years ago you might find her interesting for a time until she begins to repeat herself she doesn t change much holds fast to what she s got and she can keep it when you start thinking she s too good to be true you re right and from then on it gets worse and worse she might be better with women though i think she is for a reason that is obvious but which i won t hazard since you should understand her for yourself and for goodness sake keep your understanding to yourself she s not interested in candour as i ve already indicated well good luck it ll be an experience for you as for me i ve had enough she bores me to death we re going to much ado about nothing appropriate that and after that in that this dangerous liaison draws to its ditchwater drab close i simply couldn t face archie hind s exposition of ideas in her presence it would be a diversion but of the wrong kind love john p s i went to a party last night barbara brown arranged it strange all these actors like moths without a light floating fluttering around from one person with an eye to the next resting nowhere boring no fascinating i sat relaxed with barbara on the sofa watching the silhouettes then we had a drunken orgy to ourselves fully dressed incredible 142 137 this is an allusion to ian s almost being the death of her 138 i was arranging a collaborative meeting among our friends over a supper of iced caviar sic and château d yquem 139 after five pages on everything but including maria will be content i predict that she wasn t in the wrong and my long hair provides conversation with the second year upward should i cut it or not grow it forward have longer sideburns grow a beard what kind a moustache etc i end 140 succinct after those two words on an otherwise blank page 308 returns to epistolary convention 141 the lessing play steven berkoff was in he was thinking of dramatising jack london but in london i advised him against that as too masculine 142 i wanted to find out if i could surf the impulse alone to the beach but couldn t by pass the reef without having had the forethought to remove it or resorting while riding the wave to dynamiting it apart as i forbore to though oddly enough i had the dynamite to hand in my hands concluding the impulse itself wasn t enough and forethinking was preferable to the alternative with the merest flicker of a look i indicated her disingenuous taunt to subvert my will with the postulate she was any criterion of virility was beneath contempt she had the grace to laugh she should ve taken off her knickers i knew there was something going on between you and barbara 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