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lessing and so i eat the mutilated oranges as i wash dishes feeling grateful for that fleeting sweetness it turns out that i am today s proxy for the buddha the cycle of generosity is complete a version of this post originally appeared in mothering in the middle share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized apr 30 now is your one last chance posted by tracy franz 3 the phrase ichi go ichi e literally one time one meeting is often described by japanese and westerners alike as carpe diem seize the day or if you prefer the pop culture version yolo i would argue however that though both the western and eastern phrases offer up a certain immediacy they engage very different worldviews like carpe diem ichi go ichi e does point directly to the present experience but it does so in a way that also includes another oft mistranslated japanese word natsukashii this adjective is said to mean nostalgic or good old in english but that does not quite capture its true value in japan a country that embraces mastery and emulation as its highest aesthetic so ichi go ichi e is not simply pay attention to now it is pay attention to now and rest in the awareness of all that has come before all of the causes and conditions that now culminate and come together in this present moment notice that this moment too will pass seize the day as it is often intended in american culture is a call to action in the present only with some attention to the fact that tomorrow may or may not be make the best use of this day take the opportunity do what you will because life is short partake enjoy ichi go ichi e in contrast centers on the understanding that this moment absolutely will not continue or be repeated it is lost forever to the truth of time in the martial arts a context in which the phrase is used often ichi go ichi e may seem particularly relevant in that what came before is past effort all of that work culminates in each moment every time a new effort is made thus there is no this is just practice this is your singular chance to get it right there is no future chance there is only now resting on all that came before whether or not the present effort actually produces perfection is irrelevant all is on the realization of the actor this is my one last chance every time tea ceremony where the japanese phrase originated is pregnant with constant and unmistakable reminders of impermanence seasonal artwork wabi sabi utensils and other invitations to reflect on transience so that the participants fully realize the theme of past present in one meeting one moment that theme resonates in encounter ichi go ichi e then is a call not to action but to perception and within this there is the potential for an ethical sensibility the reality of impermanence coupled with the influences of the past can beget a deep sense of connection to all it presents a basis of compassion for all beings we see how past action and inaction create this present moment and yes we also grasp the future implications of this karma the whole of the next moment will rest on the foundation of this present moment and on all that came before we witness and wonder about this in the faces of our children we know it in ourselves as parents as partners as friends as citizens of the world we feel the weight and the possibility of it for the whole of our brief lives now and now and now and now a version of this post originally appeared in mothering in the middle http www motheringinthemiddle com now one last chance vob2pzmrkx1 share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jan 01 the river posted by tracy franz 2 my daughter with a hand in each of my hands walks the tightrope in our backyard beneath her twelve inches of nothing and then hard earth i am certain i can catch her if she stumbles i am certain we have maybe twenty minutes before the rain comes i know because her hair like mine has already begun to curl we should go in soon i say fearless she laughs and falls back into my arms into air thick as water it is her fourth birthday the day she was born i lay on an operating table in japan when the doctor caught her cut her from me really and passed her to a nurse who briefly held that pink and bloodied flesh so that i could recognize the momentousness of what had been done and then she was taken away and there was only the look in the doctor s eyes that sudden focus of walking a tightrope and the thing he barked about cancelling all his appointments i could see my body cut open in the reflection of the lights organs like wet stones a glistening and foreign terrain i could see the clock on the wall it was not supposed to take this long my new daughter crying for the first time and my husband holding my hand holding me with his eyes it was not supposed to take this long the doctor s name kawakami the chinese characters for river and up it was not supposed to take this long how we are just a sum of parts and yet not how in the slow orbit of a second hand we exist and cease to exist how all we leave behind is our mark on others how we love and cannot keep what we love share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jun 29 motherlode burning posted by tracy franz 4 one of my childhood homes the motherlode lodge burned down a few days ago it was an old landmark in alaska many no doubt have fond memories of visiting the building on the way to ski or hike or pick blueberries in the mountains of hatcher pass for me the destruction carries a certain complicated weight i was there only a year or so before my family went bankrupt and left but i remember some of that time vividly partially because i have a habit of collecting devastating memories but also hatcher pass was just so compelling to me after all we d moved from nome near the arctic circle a desolate place devoid of trees or mountains this new landscape was lush foreign and filled with the promise of new beginnings and maybe all of us were dazzled by the sight of fool s gold bright mica that was so abundant in the icy clear waters of the little susitna the river that tumbled from the mountains down into the valley below my mother and my then new stepfather a handsome second generation irishman from new jersey bought the lodge in order to fulfill his dream of running a real irish pub it was purchased with the entirety of my mother s retirement savings as well as a hefty chunk of borrowed money in the fall i started ms cavender s fourth grade class at sherrod elementary in palmer down in the mat su valley my classmates included penny who had a penchant for drawing horses robbie who carried a football themed lunchbox tessa who always smiled and was notably shorter than i crystal who was gorgeous and knew it and becky who was shy and kind and also my closest thing to a best friend i had a little bit of a crush on robbie who probably had a little bit of a crush on crystal my mother taught fifth grade in the same school many of her students are among alaska s movers and shakers now i remember that was the year j j also in my mother s class crashed his three wheeler and tore up his beautiful face he shattered his arm and because of the way it was cast out and up my mother constantly called on him in class i remember him well because he often stayed after to make up work missed from all those surgeries he was the one sweet thread of tentative friendship between that time and some years later after i moved to wasilla and then back again to palmer for high school as a girl who d already gone through two fathers previously i wanted more than anything to be a part of a normal family what i imagined everyone else had i unconsciously believed it fell to me to make the relationship with my new stepfather work and so i became obsessed with irishness which was encouraged in various ways it was a real shame for my stepfather that i was a girl and probably not even of irish descent at that but he offered that i could at least better the situation by legally changing my name to patty i seriously considered this he also insisted that i become a proper catholic so i spent a lot of time dutifully memorizing hail mary for my eventual baptism at st michael s in palmer many days i carefully studied the map of ireland tacked up in the pub while turning that one gaelic word he taught me over and over in my mouth like an incantation fray dee for potato incidentally some years later in high school robbie would ask me hey aren t you irish i was mortified that he remembered by that time i had a different stepfather and a whole new set of pathologies i couldn t have friends out to the lodge not that i had many anyway my stepfather was an alcoholic after all and he ran a bar a constant free for all party it was as my mother once said no place for a child so i learned to embrace my exploration in solitude at that time there was a stand of willow trees on the hill next to the main building it was leveled in later years to make way for a new addition this little forest in miniature was a haven my place to escape from the downward spiral that was our intertwined lives in summer i gathered old boards and put together a small shelter and imagined it to be my cabin in winter i tracked vole and rabbit prints in the snow in every season i d lie on my back in snow or moss or brush and do what i called the big small i d feel myself expanding to the size of the universe and then i d shrink back down to a grain of sand in this way i think i discovered some sense of spirituality in hatcher pass my way of seeing was my one true magic power as for the lodge i explored that too but unlike the natural world around us rife no doubt with dangerous wildlife there was something about that old cloying interior and all of its shadows that frightened me maybe it mimicked too closely my constant and vivid architectural dreams the long hallways lined with doors the unlit crawlspace closets an eerily large and metallic kitchen a bar engulfed in smoke and disembodied laughter and then there was the new addition not the one that would someday erase my trees but another to the right of the main structure it was still under construction when we moved in and it remained in unfinished limbo for the duration of our time there that wing had a skin but inside it was all darkness and bare bones my first bedroom in the motherlode was a closet of a space in the top left of the main structure at the end of a hall of lodgers rooms most of which remained unrented it had one window looking out from the side of the building over the trees and down into the valley below the window was important to me because in nome windows had been a rare luxury there i d had nothing more than a porthole in my bedroom an eight by eight inch cut out up high on the wall that could be opened in the summer months to let in fresh air the new room in contrast held a view of vast possibility one of my stepfather s drinking buddies took a liking to that view as well though and i was relocated to another room and then another the latter was adjacent to the new addition it had a large window but it looked only inside into that great unfinished carcass i felt that i was always on the edge of being consumed it terrified me shortly before my move to this last new room my stepfather invited his sister and her family to come live with us to help out with the management of a failing enterprise her eldest son quickly took up the habit of hunting me with an air rifle in my magical forest and also picking the lock on the bathroom door while i showered whatever safety i felt in my world was crushed they left a few months after their arrival and some time after that so did we we did not move on to better circumstances we simply moved on many years after i left alaska it was my mother who sent me the newspaper clipping describing how j j pulled over his truck one day and took his life on the side of the road he had been a social worker at the time a caretaker of the lost i couldn t believe that someone with that kind of spirit could be broken he left behind a wife and three kids i recognized the name of his wife we d all gone to high school together i sense there are unseen generations who come of age in alaska kids scarred by place and circumstance we all do our best like good alaskans to show no weakness but sometimes we fail even the sturdiest of structures can burn to the ground and though i want to say that i am one of the resilient ones the truth is that i m not i just got through it whatever it was and now i m here i had hoped that i d return someday to the motherlode lodge with my son and daughter i d say i used to live here this place is part of me they d see that big old building surrounded by spectacular landscape and they d think i was lucky i d be reminded that in a way they come from that place too and that every bit of my complicated history led me to where i am now i d walk with them through a stand of unlikely trees we d lie down together on green moss next to a cold clear river glinting in sunlight i d teach them to be so small they almost vanish so vast that nothing can contain them share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized apr 23 clouds in the shape of dragons posted by tracy franz 14 today i am washing dishes as nova scotia fog drifts behind the glass of the window above the sink my five year old son with trembling lip and downcast eyes tells me that he s the one not girl who put pennies into the computer i wanted to tell you the truth mama that is very very bad for the computer i say but thank you for telling me thank you for being so brave he shakes ...
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