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almost iowa where irrationality trumps reason skip to content almost iowa where irrationality trumps reason menu home about poitin irish moonshine i once spent a rainy summer walking through ireland and stayed for a couple of weeks at an inn so isolated that the nearest pub was three miles away in ireland that says a great deal the pub wasn t really that far close enough to hear a dog bark a rooster crow or a mother calling for her children but between where i stayed and where i drank lay a bog a ditch cut a line through the bog and in any other place the road would follow the ditch but it didn t like so many things in ireland the road simply wandered off on a whim first it visited a place where locals dug turf for their hearths then it dodged waves along the shore of a lake before scampering over a long timbered bridge onto firmer ground once the road took its leave of the lake it struggled up a mist shrouded mountain before losing heart and tumbling back across the bog and into town in the weeks i stayed there i learned every curve rut and washout along the road because i walked its length every day always after the same ritual with ian the proprietor of the bed and breakfast where i stayed every afternoon as i left for town ian would wait until i squished through the puddles to the edge of his yard before calling out mr schiller every day i squished back across the lawn to talk he always asked do you carry a torch and i would always answer yes for a girl in minneapolis it was our joke but then he got serious and wagged a finger until i produced a flashlight from the pocket of my raincoat mind the kelpie on your way home he would warn the kelpie was a troublesome beast that inhabited the lake beside the road and those unlucky enough to have seen it described the creature as the unholy union between an eel and a horse ian said it frequently took guests who couldn t hold their liquor when they walked home after dark without a torch i encountered the beast only once on my first night at the inn i had stayed too long at the pub and ian came into town to escort me home the moment we stepped onto the road i understood why i had never experienced dark that dark without streetlights the fog stole even the memory of light i could have stood on the surface of the sun and still not counted my fingers through the intensity of that darkness we walked with only the crunch of the gravel to guide us and just beyond town as we crossed the first arm of the bog ian stopped and said sternly wait here then he stepped off into the darkness leaving me with only the sound of his receding footsteps squish squish squish squish silence then clink clink and squish squish squish squish as he returned as his feet shuffled onto the gravel a bottle touched my hand i raised it to my lips and took a swig of what felt like boiling rock we continued on taking sips on the move until we reached the bridge where we leaned against the railing to drink some more i asked what the stuff was poitin he said or as you say moonshine it s irish white lightning the bottle went back and forth in the dark as we took short nips of what tasted like lava for a while we drifted in and out of conversation before falling silent to enjoy the sound of the waves and a cool mist blowing in off the lake at first i thought it was the booze but what i witnessed was beyond intoxication a cloud rolled in her sleep and dropped a veil off one shoulder stars gathered about her and the moon stole a glance in his excitement the moon spilled his light scattering silver droplets among the dancing waves out beyond a small dark island a shape appeared for no more than a heartbeat it rose undulating in the moonlight with the body of an eel and the head of a horse amid the shimmering waves it reared up and shook a brackish spray off its scaly mane then it was gone the cloud recovered her composure and the moon plunged back into darkness i couldn t say a word alcohol had long since reduced my speech to babble and besides a monster on the lake isn t something one readily talks about when drinking is involved we walked on once again ian stopped once more he instructed me to wait here once again he stepped into nothingness leaving me alone in the blackness with only the sound of his receding footsteps for company squish squish squish squish then rummage rummage clink clink and squish squish squish squish in return i surmised that ian had stashed moonshine on both ends of his journey to town one for the coming and one for the going he walked me to the light of the inn before turning to say when you go to town always carry a torch i nodded or he warned the kelpie will have you at the bridge share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading author almost iowa posted on march 17 2025 october 30 2025 categories fable fairy tales fantasy humor humor essay minnesota humor tags ireland kelpie moonshine poitin saint pat saint patrick s day 14 comments on poitin irish moonshine posts pagination page 1 page 2 page 400 next page follow almost iowa on wordpress com my favorites love squabbles do i love her more than cherries how much do i love her my revenge does loving someone mean you have to like them who do you love my stuff my alarm clock my toaster my trash bin my bake sale my windows my muse my muse my muse s bad day breaking up is hard to do especially with a muse muse management stan stories my buddy stan the machine whisperer stan s dirty dish my dinner with stan my houseguest essays are you a loyalty club member deconstructing ikea the big box store advice fables fantasies steel venom poitin my cruise diary honest harry chester a dog with issues search 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