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Text of the page (random words):
of panic lots of preemptive sabotage you can t hurt me if i hurt you first lots of focus perhaps at times of high anxiety bordering on obsessive thoughts lots and lots and lots of mechanisms for keeping people at arms length and then blaming them for failing me like i said pathological my poor husband haha there s been a lot of healing or my marriage wouldn t be possible i think i can honestly boast a very healthy cadre of true friends people who are safe loving and affectionate people who care people who show up people who will dig through the hard stuff with me and forgive me my lapses in judgment and generosity but i didn t realize how many walls i still had up until baby came because somehow she bypasses all of them there s nothing not the thinnest film of self protection there i am heartbeat to heartbeat right up against a love of catastrophic proportions catastrophic because on the few occasions i get caught thinking about it usually late at night or that one time the babysitter took her for a walk and i freaked out that i d let a total stranger leave the house with my baby i realize how much i would lose if she left if she were taken all the little paper walls i ve built walls within walls walls that hide walls walls that are bigger on the inside walls that double back and then dead end just to confuse you all of those are useless against her i ve spent my entire life trying to protect myself from exactly this kind of vulnerability that frightens me not only because of what i stand to lose but because of the damage i could inflict on her in trying to protect myself from that loss before baby i was worried i wouldn t be able to give up my independence now i m worried i won t be courageous enough to give her hers 3 minutiae this is also a cliche but just as a plea to all child free people to be patient with their newly minted parent friends who disappear and never have anything interesting to talk about anymore i m going to spend this small section dissecting a single incident yesterday namely how i spent an hour obsessively checking my baby monitor while baby was napping in the other room it started because she woke up with a bad diaper rash in the morning which led to she woke up early from her morning nap crying from discomfort because she needed to be changed which led to i decided to let her lay diaper free on the parent bed for a while to air out which is good for her skin i had to move her to the bed for this because i wanted to let her lay diaper free for as long as possible which meant i wanted to get some other things done while she was laying down which meant that i couldn t leave her on the changing table because it s too small she might roll and fall off the parent bed is big enough for her to roll several times before coming to the edge so i have lots of time to catch her should that become a problem which it hasn t been yet but there s a first time for everything because she was laying on the parent bed i had a towel and three diapers stacked under her to catch anything while she was laying there so when she decided she was hungry instead of moving her to our usual nursing place i just laid down beside her because it was easier than either finishing her diaper change or bringing the stack of towels and diapers with me but then because she d woken early from her morning nap she fell asleep which created several new minute dilemmas i didn t want to wake her up by trying to put on a diaper but i couldn t move her to the crib with no diaper so i had to leave her on her towel on the bed but the bed is right in front of the air conditioner and i didn t want her to get cold partly for her own comfort but also partly because when she s cold she moves more and wakes up early but i couldn t use her usual fluffy pink blanket her warmest because she didn t have a diaper on and i didn t want it getting messed up so i had to jimmy a solution with two of the lightest softest towels we have but she kept kicking them off which meant she got colder which meant even more kicking and wiggling which made it more likely that she could roll off the bed entirely and or get tangled in any of the other random things that had accumulated on the bed laundry spare pillow cases toys from earlier in the day etc which i couldn t clean off without waking her up so in order to let her have an undisturbed nap a precious thing with a baby i had to check her on the monitor every minute or so for an hour to make sure she 1 didn t roll off the bed or 2 accidentally suffocate on a clean piece of underwear this is how much information was firing simultaneously in my head during one hour on one day in which i left the baby entirely alone overkill probably mark of a new mother almost certainly but it s mainly my job to keep her alive at this point and i ve never been anything if not thorough so the next time you re wondering why your friend with the new baby is suddenly really really boring please take pity and remember that parenthood traps you for a while at least in an endless endless endless array of minutiae tiny microscopic calculations and choices that despite their size and boringness each have the potential of making or breaking your baby and or your day and sometimes we don t have room for much else we ll swim out again eventually i promise also please forgive new parent bloggers who only have time for a single draft 6 comments filed under uncategorized march 17 2015 6 08 pm wow you look a lot better than your labs the birth story i apologize for the random tense changes in the prose it s hard to edit with a newborn even when you re skipping laundry to write a blog post because that s how you feel more human do you know your name what a funny question meghan do you know who this is that s ben my husband do you know my name meredith meredith is our doula or birth coach she has my face between both her hands while she s asking her funny questions sleep comes back to my eyes and i start to drift and there s a lady doctor standing to my right who wasn t there before who karate chops my sternum stay awake i need you to stay awake wow she means business i ll try to stay awake meredith is still standing at my head asking me more funny questions there are a lot of people in the room like a lot of people a lot more people than when i fell asleep and they re all talking at once but it feels highly organized not chaotic like if you walked into a high level team sporting event for a game you didn t know and nothing that happens makes sense to you but you can tell that every single movement has purpose and meaning do you know where you are at the hospital i can feel my eyes dragging again and fight to keep them open karate chop doctor is still watching me why are we at the hospital i had a baby i did i had a baby they took her to the nicu i remember right before i fell asleep back when there were only 4 or 5 people in the room i was induced 26 hours before for gestational hypertension or pregnancy related high blood pressure it s one of the few really good reasons to induce labor before your due date because it can turn into pre eclampsia or eclampsia very quickly eclampsia is what killed lady sybill on downton abbey gestational hypertension is fairly common while eclampsia is quite rare but we like to play it safe in modern medicine actually i only had questionable hypertension it was off and on and everyone remarked how lovely all my blood pressures were all throughout labor and delivery all the same an early induction seemed the sensible route i did the first 12 hours unmedicated inductions have a reputation for being more painful than regular labor or at least skipping all the warm up stages and taking you straight to what they call active labor which is when everything really starts to suck i don t have any labor experiences to compare to but those first 12 hours were pretty hard i started right after the first treatment with a solid half hour contraction 30 minutes without a release then i finally started contracting for real every 3 5 minutes pain scale ranging from 3 5 out of 10 then ranging 5 6 every 2 3 minutes then climbing to 7 8 every 90 seconds or so after 30 years of migraines my pain scale is pretty well fleshed out 0 pain free 1 2 noticeable but not worth bothering about i can sleep through it 3 more noticeable i may or may not be able to sleep through it i may or may not decide to take anything for it 4 i should definitely take something for it before it gets worse can t sleep through it 5 the upper limit of full functionality i can get all my stuff done but everything is awful 6 rapidly losing functionality concentrating more and more on only pain 7 yeah i m not getting anything done there is only pain and the things i can do to manage it mentally maybe 50 attention on pain 50 on pain management mantras visualizations breathing telling myself the meds will kick in any minute now etc usually also involves involuntary whimpering 8 involuntary weeping tears streaming down my face ability to focus on pain management drops to 25 this is as far as my migraines have ever gotten i ve had a few 7 8 migraines in my life every single one was very memorable my contractions had been at 7 8 for a while an hour two three i d been contracting for 12 hours and i was still only 4 cm dilated i decided i wasn t up for another 12 hours at this level bring in the epidural please i d been skittish to try an epidural there s something about having a giant needle inserted in my spine that just kind of wigged me out there are so many ways that can go very wrong but i have a limit my epidural did not go wrong that was confirmed later in fact it was confirmed while meredith was asking me funny questions i remember recognizing the anesthesiologist as one of the doctors who had filled up the room and i remember him announcing after asking some questions in medicalese ok so it wasn t the epidural and then he packed his little bag and left the epidural had not gone wrong in fact it had gone very right it was like magic i got to take a nap in the middle of having a baby that s crazy and the really funny part was it relaxed me so much that they started wondering if my blood pressure was too low hilarious somewhere in there i developed a fever not a bad one i couldn t tell at all but they said they d have to give me antibiotics in my iv and when the baby was born they d have to take her to the nicu for monitoring not ideal but i understand i d rather make sure the baby is safe too the epidural wore off around 7 cm and they had to give me a topper then came pushing and it turns out my pain scale does have both a 9 and a 10 9 howling ability to mentally manage pain drops to 5 10 even with coaching 10 out of my mind my body doesn t even exist anymore nothing exists except this tear in the universe that happens to coincide with my consciousness two and a half hours of that a friend asked me this week if i m in the never again phase i told her i m in the planned c section phase and then the baby arrives and it all evaporated instantaneously i know that s a cliche but it was also a physical reality all the pain just stopped and they put the baby on me and she was slimy and alien and gorgeous and perfect and we looked at each other for 15 minutes before they wrapped her up and took her to the nicu and i was so sleepy there were a few people doing things to me and poking me in places i would normally never consent to be poked but it didn t seem important my midwife called in one of the doctors to do stitching saying something like i can do it but with something like this it ll take me two hour whereas he can do it in 20 minutes that sounds like it might be serious so i file it away to ask about later google 3rd degree tear if you really want to know but i m feeling no pain right now and it doesn t seem important i just wanted to nap again since i couldn t look at my baby anymore and that s the last thing i remember before karate chop doctor and meredith s funny questions apparently i had an eclamptic the doctors were still debating when i was discharged seizure and i hear it was really freaky i completely changed color and was unresponsive then i was responsive but not really there apparently meredith had asked me all her funny questions a few times before and i hadn t been able to answer my eyes were open but my pupils were weird and i could repeat words but i didn t know who i was i didn t recognize anybody and acted terrified of everybody my husband says it was a thing to behold watching all the doctors on the floor descend on the room and go into emergency mode i lost about half an hour of time my poor husband will probably have nightmares the rest of his life when asked how he was by the assistant midwife he responded it s just so terrifying all i could think about was downton abbey stop don t you dare go there apparently that s how scary my seizure was for everyone else hubby was not the only one trying not to revisit downton abbey i m glad i missed it after it was clear that i was not going to drift off again the doctors started gradually peeling off until it was just me and hubby and meredith and our midwife and the student midwife again my midwife commented that in 30 years of practice she d never seen anything like that they were glad to have me back i was glad to be back too even though i didn t remember being gone hubby went to go find my mom and my sister and tell them what happened they had followed the baby to the nicu and didn t know i asked for food more than a day of nothing but ice chips i was starving my brother in law had gone way out of his way all the way uptown to bring me sushi because that s what i wanted my post delivery celebration meal to be and the nearest sushi place open that late was 50 blocks uptown they told me i couldn t eat yet i had to clear a few blood tests first we chilled out they decided i wasn t ready to move to the post partum ward yet and sent me to the recovery room instead i think that s where c section patients go post surgery for monitoring my blood work came back an hour or so later but it was still wrong somehow i had lost a lot of blood but they didn t know why they hadn t noticed a hemorrhage so they had to look closer i had a middle of the night sonogram with more people poking me in places i m not normally poked but they couldn t find the bleed i asked if i could eat yet but they said i had to stabilize first so i d have to wait for morning blood work i let ben eat the sushi morning blood work came back and i wasn t stabilized in fact my blood count was nose diving i d lost half my blood volume in 6 hours they sent me for a full body ct scan and still couldn t find a bleed and decided that my body was cannibilizing my red blood cells apparently that s a thing that can happen they announced they were giving me a blood transfusion several hours before they had been giving me a choice between a transfusion a...
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