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description= AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.;
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ate kid johnny was fun but daniel san was on the run may 30 2018 www immodiumabuser com 2 comments they were promoting the karate kid reboot cobra kai and i didn t dream that i d have a chance to get a picture with danny and johnny together but little did i know that i should have busted out my own crane move to get his picture new york ny may 01 ralph macchio l and william zabka visit siriusxm studios on may 1 2018 in new york city photo by dia dipasupil getty images william zabka will always be johnny to me and he was a cool cat that stopped to chat and stayed around to take pictures with everyone sure he s gotten older but long gone are the days of him rocking those unfortunate headbands or receiving illegal crane kicks but he was very nice and friendly as ralph macchio was leaving his assistant was rushing him away to get him into the car but he did still stop for a few pictures with the fans i got my turn and had my phone ready as he wasn t making much small talk and moving pretty quickly we posed and when i went to push the button to snap the selfie i must have had a stroke mid snap because i pressed the button to turn it from selfie mode to front facing mode and i didn t get the picture he waked away after seeing me snap the button not realizing that i d screwed it up and she led him away i froze for a second not quite realizing what happened or how i could be so stupid ralph it didn t take the picture didn t take but she still spirited him away i d just messed it up completely and tried to walk over to him again to get another shot with him but his assistant wasn t having any of it as he walked away my internal voice was furiously shouting out sweep the leg sweep the leg and it took everything in me to ignore it as he got into his car i have no excuse for such an amateur move it s just plain stupidity after all this time so if you re keeping score at home i m one for three with the karate kids elisabeth shue said i m not that into you and couldn t be bothered but this time it was entirely my fault i had my shot and screwed it up but he could have just stood still for one more god damn second right i m not worried though i ll get him next time just ask john goodman he thought he could run from me but i wore him down too hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays i got to meet john and it s all goodman may 22 2018 may 22 2018 www immodiumabuser com 8 comments whether it was the positive vibes i was sending out to the universe or the scarlett o hara meme or just the fact that he got tired from running away from me i finally met john goodman as you may recall i missed him when i got to meet roseanne recently but i wasn t going to let that happen to me again he was promoting the roseanne reboot and i was lying in wait like a cheetah ready to snag its prey i saw him coming across the lobby and as he came out of the building walked up and told him what a big fan i was and that i d been looking for him when he made a strange face upon hearing that and said what i realized that i might be sending the wrong message to him because i was starting to sound like a crazy person so i just said i m sorry big fan may i take a picture with you me jabbering on and talking so fast probably explains the strange grimace on his face in the first photo of us but it was worth the wait to meet him and see that big dan conner smile he s been a favorite of mine for a long time through roseanne and countless movies since always and he was just really nice and a very cool dude the only john goodman project that i really can t get on board with is those freaky new mcdonald s commercials is anyone else terrified by these i being serious he seems like a lunatic and i m legitimately frightened by his voice in these mcdonald s is fine and i have been known to indulge on the deliciousness of the mcrib but the only thing true about the commercials is the tagline they ll leave you speechless and it has while looking at the photos of us afterwards i couldn t help but take note of how skinny we both look and wonder if they re padding him up on the show like toby on this is us i can remember a time not long ago when neither one of us could fasten our suit jackets up for fear of taking an eye out when a button would surely popped off so it s nice to see time and age have changed us for the better i m sure that some celebrities get tired of being stopped all the time by fans and i could tell he was in a rush by the fast pace with which he was walking but he relented i was grateful because he stopped to talk with me and took the photo then hustled to the car before anyone else could stop him i m actually not sure that there was a chance for anyone else to snap a pic with him after me because he was moving like a man that just got a bad batch of gumbo and needed to get the hell out of dodge immediately if you know what i mean believe me when i tell you that no one understands that feeling better than me either way i got to meet john and it s all goodman guess i won t need this anymore hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays mueller said knock you out forget the russians he needs to shift his focus to ll cool j investigate why this dude doesn t age may 5 2018 www immodiumabuser com leave a comment everyone s jabbering on about cambridge analytica russian election interference and jeff daniels sister stormy but we need to focus and find out what s going on with the most important cover up of our time that s happening right under our noses why the eff doesn t ll cool j age i know everyone is up in arms over whether the russians are rigging our elections but i m more concerned with the fact the ll cool j doesn t look a day older now than when he was in high school ironically enough babyface hasn t looked babyish in fifteen years yet this guy looks the same as he did when he got his lerner s permit mueller needs to prioritize and start investigating what the eff is going on right now i mean he s like a real life god damn benjamin button this man is defying logic and nature and we need to open an immediate congressional inquiry to uncover whatever the fuck is going on here look at this if you look at me now compared to sixteen years ago it looks like i ve swallowed that poor little guy they re still looking for hillary s mystery emails but i want to see ll s mystery toiletries what is in that man s medicine cabinet i m not saying he needs to go to jail or the russians are interfering with his nutrition like with their olympic athletes i m saying we need to find out exactly what he s doing or taking so that i can also take whatever the hell he s on nutrition and fitness my eye he s like a russian bot sent here to destroy the self esteem of every short fat and bald guy walking the streets of nyc and i say enough is enough i ll have what he s having and by thanksgiving i m gonna be ready for the runway on a daily basis i m reminded by both my mirror and my crazy sister that i m not getting any younger or skinnier but i kinda roll with it i make it work like a pimp with a limp but just when i start feeling good about myself along comes ll cool j to mess it all up i m actually quite a big fan of his and have been known to bring the karaoke house down as mama said knock you out is my 2 go to jam no disrespect to ll but my 1 karaoke pick is obviously eric carmen s all by myself because i rock that mother like a sheer force of nature i mean i don t wanna brag but after hearing my spin on it dj s have been known to retire the song and vow never to play it again i was excited to meet him and as he walked over i just couldn t help but notice that ll cool j and i have the same exact physique and i realized that in the right lighting we d be mistaken for twins it s downright eerie how similar we are i mean if i stood on a chair to be eye level with him i could probably be his body double somebody should probably get cbs casting on the phone and let them know about this in case ncis los angeles needs me i can t be the only one that noticed this can i it can t be just all in my head can it it s funny how when you meet someone you admire normal people think to themselves holy shit i m meeting ll cool j this is awesome yet once i saw him in person my first thought was wow he could literally kick the shit out of me and not even break a sweat he s 6 2 and jacked up and i can t help but look so little and slight next to him and i m neither a little nor slight person if that wasn t bad enough my sister took one glance at the picture and asked why on earth i was trying to suck it in and puff up my chest to look better i tried to tell her that when you look like this you gotten do something when you re standing next to ll but she was afraid that if one of my shirt buttons gave out from the pressure it would take out an eye i can always count on her to call out my ridiculousness but i guess can t really be mad at her though since i do constantly write about when she shit on a cat on a pretty regular basis too bad she wasn t pretty regular that day on my own i look normal size next to him i m shrunken even further i guess trying to suck in and puff myself up was pretty ridiculous and he might as well have been seven feet tall standing next to me i mean come on even his hands are gigantic each palm is the size of my head for god s sake i was like hey can i get a picture and i m sure he was thinking dude you need more than a picture how about a gym membership you know i wrote a fitness book right you read that shit yet bro ok so maybe it s all in my head and he wasn t really thinking any of that but until ll tells me differently i m going with it i mean look at the size of his hands even they re jacked up one summer during fat camp i went to the mall with my crazy cousin as we were riding up the escalator i pointed at her and for no particular reason shouted out oh my god is that ll cool j i thought it was hilarious because full disclosure my cousin is a fat white girl obvi not ll not cool and certainly not j if she had one her celebrity name would be ll chubb k but who am i to throw stones needless to say the ladies riding the escalator opposite us when i screamed weren t fooled before they scowled at me and said is he an asshole or what and i m not actually sure if they were asking me or my cousin but i ll concede that it was a fair question look ll cool j seems like a really awesome guy but in real life i could never actually be friends with him i d feel like i constantly needed to try and suck in my stomach or stand up taller and i couldn t dare eat anything in front of him you think he s eating mounds of white rice every day like me i don t believe that man has eaten a carb since the clinton administration that s a lot of pressure and this fat body just can t take that kind of stress or hard work so we ll keep it just like it is hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading the sea was angry that day my friends my costanza moment finally arrived april 30 2018 april 30 2018 www immodiumabuser com 15 comments i normally try not to drag my wife into my crazy stories on here but this time i just couldn t resist we went away to celebrate her birthday without the kids for the very first time since they were born and it had the makings of a fantastic getaway that is until the universe pulled out an ironic twist of fate to remind me that i am costanza lord of the idiots let s be honest this has been the worst winter in a long time and she d been so looking forward to getting away to the beach that i was afraid she might make a run for it and swim out to join ariel the second she saw it as we parked and walked through the sand there was no one around when i say there was no one around i mean it was deserted obviously early april isn t beach weather but it was finally a really nice day after a long crappy streak of dismal days and wasn t too cold to be down by the water so we were surprised to find it empty as it turned out and we d later discover there was a small group of other people but i ll circle back to them in a minute my wife loves the beach and was so excited to see the ocean so as soon as we arrived we went straight there she s part mermaid and was born and raised on the ocean whereas i ve been hiding in the shade my whole life like a vampire the beach isn t something i particularly care for come on you re literally sitting in dirt but since it was her birthday and my wife stays home raising our kids and working one hundred times harder than i ever do at my job i was determined not to spoil it for her little did i know what we were in for as we walked down through the sand i could see the sheer joy on my wife s face and her big smile was so contagious that i just looked at her sheer happiness and thought what could be better than this then i stopped and squinted trying to make sense of the sight in front of us i was squinting and confused until i realized and gasped because i thought i was hallucinating what the fuck is that i shouted and she stopped dead in her tracks i couldn t tell if it was a tree trunk washed ashore until i saw it moving but right there sprawled out before us was not the kissed by a rose dude that snubbed me a few months ago but an actual living breathing seal we thought he might be out there sunning himself at first but from the noises and restricted movements it was making we could tell it was in pain we were shocked to see it but even more shocked to see the group of mennonite women playing ball next to it as if it were part of the game forgive me for not staying current on all the games these kids are playing now but common sense should take over and tell you not to put your slam ball or you corn hole that close to a dying seal it was like they were waiting for him to tap in and play i couldn t tell for certain if they were amish or mennonites or the cast of the handmaid s tale out there in that garb but what i could tell is that they were definitely idiots we were like did you guys call the police and they were like for what it was almost like a hidden camera how because there s no way they didn t notice it it was right then that i knew that i d have to be the marine biologist on the shore that day my whole life had been working towards this moment and i was determined to fulfill my costanza destiny and save that seal i rolled up my sleeves and went marching over to lend a hand when i heard the voice of wisdom from above do not touch that seal it actually wasn t divine intervention but m...
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