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Text of the page (random words):
ayed for gods words and that we would be his hands and feet that evening we walked into mcdoanlds the thick aroma of cooked french fries distracted me for a moment as i looked around for scott and sandee they were sitting in the back at a table we walked up i embraced the women in my arms and asked if she was ok i introduced myself i hugged scott and then sat down we talked rather shallowly for a few minutes awkwardness was clear it was obvious this women was high my guess was oxicottons or heroin something of that nature she nodded in and out of conversation i told her that we wanted to take her to my house and share the love of god with her that it was a safe place where she could go for the night no explanation needed i told her there was a time i needed help and god was faithful and that i wanted to share that same love that he had bestowed on me to her my receptors are saying yes she answered we walked to the car i noticed the pills in her pocket ever so smoothly i took them from her pocket and dropped them in my purse i was afraid she would take more and by the looks of it she was not in need of more drugs we said good night to scott and left for my house jess was in her room when we arrived to the house i told her sandee was safe and not to worry that i would sleep in the living room with her for the night kawena sat with her on the couch talking with her as i got her a cup of water in the kitchen when i came to the couch i saw sandee dump a bunch of pills into her hand she had another bottle i had not seen i told her i thought she had enough for the night she replied that she needed her pain pill and proceeded to take 2 pills she placed the rest in the bottle kawena looked uneasy and unsure of what to do i decided to distract sandee that i may take the pills and hide them i asked her if i could get her a clean tee shirt she accepted and as she changed in the bathroom i swiped the pills from her purse and hid them in my kitchen kawena told me she was leaving i thanked her for coming with me and higged her goodbye sandee came out of the bathroom and sat on the couch jess had made it up with clean sheets and pillows for her i came and sat down next to her she told me she felt safe and that she thought i was an angel i laughed to myself at the thought we began to talk we began to share she told tales of tragedy and despair a life entangled in sin drug addiction fornication greed idolatry and the like although she did not believe in sin her life proved otherwise as she sat on my couch in bondage to sins lethal consequences i began to share with her i shared some of my own tales of pain entanglement sin i shared with her my recent struggle with heart sin and then alcohol and how the want to just give up had overtaken me not even a week earlier i then shared with her gods faithfulness to show himself to me and to remind me of the good news his words carry i shared about being a sinner separated from god because of sin i shared how god wants to reconcile us to himself through his son jesus christ i explained the wages for sin is death but the gift of god is eternal life through jesus christ that each one of us have this hole inside we keep trying to fill it with these various things drugs alcohol sex food work 12 step programs excercise even religion but those things fall right through us leaving us just as empty and even more depressed only god can fill that hole i shared only through jesus christ can we have forgiveness of our sins and receive the gift of eternal life and power to overcome sin that is where true peace resides i shared that god loved her sooooooo much i shared that i believed god wanted that for her to be healed and set free from the chains of sin to give her life heart mind soul and soul to jesus christ and allow him to do the rest i explained that is why he sent us to her i asked her then if we could pray she seemed excited at the offer so i grabbed hold of her hands and closed my eyes i asked her to lead us she began she began to pray i heard her talk to jesus she talked about heaven and his power she mumbled for a bit she nodded off mid sentence i began to pray i begged god for deliverance i prayed for her salvation i prayed for myself i asked the lord to forgive me for having walked away i thanked him for this moment and for sandee then the strangest thing occurred i began to sing call upon the name of the lord and be saved all you have to do is call pon the name of the lord and be saved i sang to her i worshiped god with sandee although she sat nodded out i sang simply and softly to her and to god i sang she was asleep i covered her up and went to lay down on the couch next to her i could not sleep so i got up and came over to my computer and i wrote this is what i wrote that evening she is tired and worn from a lifetime of entanglement twisted and mangled in sins lethal grasp she sits hunched over nodded out her desire is to escape escape from the pain anguish shame and guilt her actions have provided with hollow eyes she looks at me she is hopeless and lost desiring the ultimate enticing end death this again is one of the enemies worst lies the lie that death is a painless escape from the harsh conditions of this world the lie that if a person runs to drugs alcohol sex greed idolatry and the like that in those things peace is attained and she sits dying on my couch i am powerless in my own strength so i beg god for his if only a mere taste of the love that jesus christ wants to give her i pray to be used i listen to her slurred words she tells stories of desperation pain hurt and heart ache they pour out of her strained mouth as the numbing effects of the hydro morphine impair her speech she begins to speak and in the same instance her head falls down the drugs take effect and she falls into a state of unconsciousness her desired state of mind i grab her hands and i pray i ask god for deliverance i beg god for healing and freedom from this bondage i plead to god for her salvation i close my eyes my hands lightly holding hers and i sing i praise god her name is sandi she is lost as i was once not that long ago entangled in sin dying lord heal this women wake her from her slumber give her hope make her new that is what i wrote at 1 00 am on tuesday morning i went to bed to the sounds of sandee snoring i woke up at 5 00am sandee was dead in my living room on my couch november 23 2010 posted by jennlanoie uncategorized 2 comments listening to the spirit the air was warm and sweet as i lay on the hood of my car i love coming here to clear my head and to dialogue with the lord kealia look out has proven to be a sweet spot for solitude as well as divine moments of human connection i was reflecting this evening on the past couple weeks of my life i was rejoicing with god at the recent exposure of hidden sin which had entangled my life for the last few months so subtle in the beginning is our evil desires apart from christ when we give ourselves over to those temptations we are then dragged away and enticed after that desire has conceived it gives birth to sin and sin when it is full grown gives birth to death and that s how i had been feeling these last few months spiritually dead guilty and shameful although my sin was mostly the condition of my heart and thankfully had not manifested into outward actions the effectiveness of sins lethal presence had been killing my relationship with yahweh as i was resorting back to idol worship and lustful tendencies but god is faithful and patient he spoke into my life and his spirit within me had brought a thunder storm of conviction which finally brought me to my knees before my leadership in humility and surrender and a desperation to rid myself of the secrets which had plagued my life and thus resolution was brought as i was led biblically into restoration praise the lord for the church i was brought to and the heart god has given to my pastor to teach and train baby sheep in the ways of righteousness and what is the result of sincere honesty and genuine surrender joy joy in doing the things god has called me to so the last couple weeks have been just that in the midst of trial and loss and heartache yahweh has been filling me with joy in being about his business from learning about how to be a good steward of the life god has given me financial management being more organized keeping my room and my car clean setting a diet plan so i can eat healthier using a day planner to spending sweet time in fellowship and prayer with the family god has given me esp my elder sisters i have been in awe at how much he loves me and how he wants all of me mostly how he has a plan and a purpose for my life and how his desire is to bless me so with that this evening i found myself daydreaming about gods goodness on the hood of my car while i watched the stars out of now where a car pulls in slightly erratic and backs up a few spaces away from me i notice the light go on in the car and i see a guy he looks figity and tweaked out he is messing with the light i notice a little head in the back seat and my heart drops when i realize it s a little baby the guy is smoking and drinking beer and blasting tu pac i sit up and i begin to pray i ask god to protect the children and i pray for this mans life i hear god speak to me i want you to share the gospel with my son i freeze lord i am alone in a dark parking lot its late at night and this man is obviously on drugs are you sure you want me to share with him again i hear god speak to me i want you to share the gospel with my son so what do i do i sit on my hood for another 10 minutes praying and asking god is he is sure finally i ask god for a sign with out fail a tu pac song comes on and the chorus says gospel the gospel i knew god was calling me to share with this man so i ask for the words and i open my mouth whooooeee hey guy whats your name i hear myself holler he immediately turns and walks over to me i ask him his name again he responds i don t really have a name i say my name is jenn whats yours everyone has a name what is yours he tells me his name keonea i proceeded to tell him that i was praying on my car to the lord and that he told me to share with him a few things i then tell him what god had spoken to my heart for him he looks at me for a moment and then he begins to go off about how he used to be so close to jesus but that he had fallen away from his faith he shares his story with me one marked with chaos and dysfunction i then share with him some parts of my testimony i ask him if he knew what the gospel was he excitedly answered the first four books of the new testament i said yes those are the gospels but do you know what the word gospel means he was not sure so i shared with him that it meant the good news i asked him if he knew what the good news was that god offers that question led into the holy spirit sharing with him the gospel message it was so beautiful and vivid in comparison to the darkness sin had him in bondage to i watched him see it and desire it i found myself asking him if i could play a song for him it was by timothy brindle a rap song on psalm 51 i play it for him and i see him drop his head in conviction and shame i shared with him the good news that god is faithful and merciful that his heart is to restore us and redeem our lives but that we can not have two masters we are either slaves to sin or slaves to righteousness i encouraged him as a father to turn from his sin to repent and turn back to jesus christ and be an example to his kids and family to allow jesus to put his life back together his way then god told me to give him my bible so i grabbed my bible and a zero flyer zero is a young adults bible study led by my friend wes and a track i put the flyer and the track in the bible and gave it to him finally i asked if i could pray for him after we prayed we said goodnight and headed our own ways how rejuvinating it is to be about my fathers business to act in his gifting i was blessed this evening to step out in faith and share i encourage you all to step out if there is any hidden sin in your heart or in your life that you confess it and repent from it turn back to yahweh and allow him to forgive you and cleanse you he is faithful to heal restore and make new our messy lives may 10 2010 posted by jennlanoie uncategorized leave a comment certainty was the backbone of a drastic decision yet that certainty had no validity validity what is that certainty what is that emotional is how i live and often i find myself caged in my lack of perspective caged in a moment in an emotion what is it that allows the good days days i am relaxed and breathing to just sit in your love so many questions inside so many anxieties and fears i just want to breath a real breath a breath of freedom my mind wanders to my most recent hurts this is not an unfamiliar feeling hurt i struggle with failure and hate towards myself yet a subtle contentment in the thought of freedom freedom in you i don t know how to be in that yet april 10 2010 posted by jennlanoie uncategorized leave a comment watching waiting anticipating and the water crashes down hard pouring out frustration the confusion is so thick that i would need a sledge hammer to break through stay go how long will i play back and forth with my infinite mind and the consequences are severe twisted angst sleepless nights stay go and you know with me there is no easy it s all the same meet miss plain jane are you ready am i ready two totally different worlds april 10 2010 posted by jennlanoie uncategorized leave a comment letting go of everything i let him go today he has been the best and worst part of me for the past 8 years all i have ever felt about love i felt through him i felt for him and i let him go today stepping out in faith in a way that is unfamiliar i want you to have all of me jesus all of me i don t know how to heal i don t know how to change i don t know how to grow but you have given me a helper your spirit whom dwells with in me help me trust you with all my heart because i m done leaning on my own understanding i acknowledge you in all my ways please lord make straight my ways i know you will use this as you use all things for your good because i love you and i am called according to your purposes give me the strength jesus to keep walking through the darkness i am nothing with out you i give you my life as a sacrifice all i am is nothing with out you i will wait for you as i stumble through my brokenness and i sit here free because i let him go today and instead i turned to you february 25 2010 posted by jennlanoie uncategorized 1 comment random thoughts on sin i am convinced that we as a people are the same fundamentally our need is the same and our solution in the same jesus christ our lord and savior through him comes rebirth into true life a life united with the father a life given as a gift through the sacrifice he made having bared the...
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