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my vision board wound up being about joy relaxation playfulness fun and a balanced life and by the way i love it i d be remiss if i didn t say that my playlist was a huge hit someone even said i should make playlists professionally if that s even a thing other than like dj and someone else asked me if i d publish the playlist which was the inspiration for this blog post having recently met maxwell it s a little maxwell intensive but as i told my friend who was hosting the party it was a major accomplishment that my playlist wasn t just maxwell cds so here it is codependent love song free and guaranteed to uplift vision board party playlist 1 imagine me kirk franklin 2 ascension don t ever wonder maxwell 3 superwoman alicia keys 4 beautiful christina aguilera 5 brand new day joshua radin 6 declaration this is it kirk franklin 7 a star is born jay z feat j cole 8 closer goapele 9 best of my love the emotions 10 seasons of love original broadway cast rent 11 just fine mary j blige 12 f ckin perfect vicci martinez and niki dawson on the voice 13 party beyoncé feat andré 3000 14 over the rainbow glee cast version 15 pretty wings maxwell 16 my love the dream mariah carey 17 september kirk franklin 18 ganapati girish 19 guru brahma jai uttal the pagan love orchestra 20 people everyday arrested development 21 lovely day bill withers 22 lifetime maxwell what songs would be on your vision board party playlist tags collaging playlists self help vision boards comments 6 comments categories inspiration music shining brightly how something really bad can turn into something really good oh and holy shit i met maxwell 9 jun maxwell in an ad for the gap last week i was racing across the street in flip flops when before i could stop it my left foot landed on a pulverized rat this was upsetting standing on the curb taking deep breaths i decided to turn around and take a second look maybe just maybe it wasn t as bad as i thought it was closer inspection revealed that i did indeed just step in rat guts with nothing more than a thin flip flopped sole between me and them trying to stifle my gag reflex i peered down at what had once been a rat but was now just a flattened layer of mush pressed into the concrete a tail and one foot the only discernible features that remained walking away i tried to convince myself that this was not a big deal maybe i d actually only grazed a sliver of the rat or missed it entirely a few blocks later i gathered the courage to look at the bottom of my shoe there was black gunk on the upper left corner and some reaching up along the left side of my shoe centimeters from my bare pinky toe not a big deal not a big deal i thought as i practiced lamaze breathing but i knew that there was no amount of scrubbing and disinfecting i could do that would make me feel ok about stepping foot back into my apartment in these shoes however microscopic i would never step soundly again knowing there could be rat entrails on my floor i looked down at my flip flops i loved these flip flops i d gotten them at the gap last summer so they probably didn t carry them anymore they were super comfortable and the perfect neutral shade to go with everything and i was super broke and not excited about shelling out money for any unanticipated expenses but the ratty flip flops had to go on my way to meet a friend for coffee i thought about cancelling and immediately heading to the gap for my replacement but he was going through a hard time and needed my help so i felt like i had to show up i spent an hour with my friend silently praying that i wasn t at that very moment contracting the bubonic plague i d planned to go to an event afterwards but there was no way i could sit through even another five minutes with this rat on my foot so i changed my plan and walked in the opposite direction towards the closest gap why does this shit always happen to me i thought who the fuck ever steps in a smooshed rat it wasn t enough to feel sorry for myself on my own so i called a friend i m on the way to buy new shoes i said because i just stepped in a fucking rat which was when i walked past a guy who looked a lot like my favorite singer maxwell but it was kind of hard to tell because he had a full beard and was wearing a baseball cap i smiled and he smiled back i kept walking but i had to take one more look to make sure so i turned around he was looking at me checking me out and it was totally him gotta go bye i said to my friend hanging up she texted me right away feel better the universe just wants you to have new shoes the universe just wants me to meet maxwell i wanted to text back but i had more pressing things to attend to first maxwell i asked and he nodded yes this is so crazy i was just buying shoes he said nodding at the shopping bags in his hands i can t believe you recognized me ohmygodohmygodohmygod i m max he said reaching out his hand holyshitholyshitholyshit i m jen i said shaking his hand let me semi digress for a moment here to say that if i could meet one person in the whole entire world it would be maxwell that i ve been very vocal about my love for him for a long time as evidenced in this this and this blog post and went through a brief period in 2009 where i proactively hoped i d meet him i was shaking and totally overwhelmed so i said i can t believe this i m shaking i m so overwhelmed he stood there smiling as i traced my love for him through the years beginning when my first roommate in new york city introduced to me to urban hang suite in 1998 to the present some highlights included when i took a half vacation day from work three years ago to see him perform on a morning television show and told my boss i was taking a maxwell half day how i went to see him in concert at madison square garden by myself because none of my friends would go with me and in the elevator at home that night i ran into my neighbor who was coming back from that same concert and i discovered that another die hard maxwell fan lived a mere four doors down from me and how i listened to his music in my cube so much at an old job that whenever i came back from being on vacation if an issue of time or people magazine had come out while i was gone with an article about maxwell in it my boss and coworkers would leave a copy of it on my chair i talk fast so i was able to cover 14 years worth of stories in a relatively short period of time you made my day you made my day maxwell kept saying and hugging me multiple times needless to say i no longer cared that i was standing in rat i put your songs on so many uplifting playlists i said clutching my heart your music has brought me so much joy you made my day he said and hugged me again after max and i parted ways i found my way to the gap in my post maxwell haze i couldn t believe that they had the exact same style and color as my beloved flip flops circa 2011 the second miracle of the night unfortunately they didn t have my size so they directed me to the gap on 5th avenue which allegedly would walking into the second store i pointed to my feet where are these flip flips i asked a woman who worked there we don t have those she said but the gap i just went to said you d have them in stock here this is bebe she said oh i m so sorry i just met maxwell i said by way of explanation i love maxwell she squealed i walked by him once but i would have had to leave my little brother in the middle of the street in oncoming traffic to say hi to him so i didn t she said with a look of remorse that conveyed this had been a difficult decision and she wasn t sure she d made the right choice he s my husband she exclaimed mine too our sisterhood cemented we hugged goodbye and she wished me luck finding my shoes then i stumbled into the actual gap a few doors down and while they didn t have my size either they assured me that their chelsea location would that was the next stop on my shoe mission and i found flip flops in the exact color style and size to replicate my beloved pair and miracle number three they were on sale for only ten dollars i put them on right away and tossed my contaminated pair in the nearest trash can as soon as i got home i called a friend to give her the play by play of my night the best part of that story is the rat she said laughing having lived through it i was pretty sure the best part was maxwell we give thanks for the rat who gave his life she said solemnly so that i could meet maxwell i finished stepping in a pulverized rat on a new york city street is an unbelievably crazy bad thing that is almost statistically impossible running into maxwell on a new york city street is an unbelievably crazy good thing that is almost statistically impossible which just goes to show you sometimes a terrible thing can change your course and put you in exactly the right place for a wonderful thing that you would have never experienced had you not had rat guts on your foot the catch is to fully experience the miracles that can unfold and surprise you in life you can t get attached and expect them you just have to be present to what is present enough to notice when you walk by maxwell in a full beard and a baseball cap and not get attached to the bad things either feeling sorry for yourself and lamenting why they happened there s a saying that goes don t give up five minutes before the miracle and i d amend that to be don t give up five minutes before you meet maxwell so sometimes when an unbelievably terrible thing happens an unbelievably amazing thing could be right around the corner if you just keep your head up and keep walking tags maxwell new york city rats the gap comments 4 comments categories music pop culture going home 31 may i went home to visit my parents in the small suburban town i grew up in this past weekend on sunday my mom and i planned to go out to lunch at a tiny cafe on one of the two streets that comprise the downtown area she told me that the memorial day parade was going to be going on and i was annoyed i don t want to get trapped downtown i said worrying that the parade and its blocked off roads would mean her car would get stuck in its parking spot trapped may have been extreme and downtown an exaggeration given that it was only a five minute walk from her house but i had an agenda and i didn t want to waste time it was lunch with my mom then a quick dash to a nearby town for a mandatory starbucks run and then dinner at my dad and stepmom s also i was taking advantage of the luxury of suburban home washer dryers and wanted to squeeze in a couple loads of laundry in between starbucks and dinner while we were eating lunch the parade started to go by in front of the restaurant we were at and i kind of half paid attention and half didn t afterwards as we walked outside and were heading to her car a group of bagpipers and drummers marched by entranced by the music and the beat of the drums i told my mom to stop and that i wanted to stay and watch the parade for a little while it was mesmerizing looking the musicians and then the people driving by in convertibles and fire engines honking and waving and i got caught up in it cheering for the police and firemen we saw the father of one of the kids from my toddler playgroup who i grew up with standing at the side of the road and said hi the parade used to be bigger my mom remarked and there used to be more of a crowd i glanced around at the sparse bystanders and remembered being a little kid and the memorial day parade being a huge deal i remembered the year it was the biggest deal of all when i was four years old and in the parade with two of my nursery school buddies wearing a brown dress with flowers on it and a floppy matching bonnet drifting down the street in a baby blue convertible with a co op nursery school sign hanging over the side smiling and waving to the crowd and other years watching the cheerleaders and dance team march by to the beat of the high school band wearing the coolest short shorts ever with yellow jackets the school mascot embroidered on the butt dreaming of the day i d be a cheerleader or on the dance team marching in the parade in my own yellow jacket short shorts jenny garam someone yelled and i snapped back into today to see one of the firemen in the parade waving at me it was a guy i went to high school with who was a few years older than me and i smiled and waved back i felt at home and comforted by being from a small town where even though i hadn t lived here for almost 20 years someone in the parade still knew who i was shouted my name and waved it reminded me that i m more than who i think i am right now i m bigger and more expansive than my worries disappointments struggles and fears worries about being broke and what actions i should take disappointments from all the personal and professional rejections and life not turning out how i d hoped or planned or assumed it would for me struggles to make ends meet pursue a creative path cope with my obsessive thoughts grasp onto shreds of serenity and fears about what s going to happen or go wrong next i have this whole history and memories and hopes and dreams from when i was a child and teenager that are still alive in me somewhere as much as they get drowned out in my day to day 36 year old brooklyn life i have all these other experiences and stories that look very different from my life now as the fireman walked by waving memories of when i knew him 20 years ago flashed into my mind how daring i used to be the crazy parties i went to and all the drinking i did these days my life is a lot tamer and usually too tame i rarely drink which isn t a problem but i barely go out which is and i m never the last person at the bar with the craziest stories of all anymore i m the first person to go home who hears about the stories the next day thinking back to who i used to be i remembered hanging out in the firehouse late one night with a group of guys some of whom were volunteer firefighters when one of them accidentally set off the fire alarm the big loud one i remembered a substitute teacher from my high school who lived next door rushing in angry and appalled i remembered how soon afterwards i learned that my town s fire chief called a fire department meeting to address the underage girl drinking in the firehouse and how i was mostly mortified but also a little bit proud of my infamy i have this storyline that i was unpopular in high school cast out rejected and alone that i was invisible and didn t matter this is part of a larger narrative that goes i m still invisible i still don t matter except it wasn t true when i was growing up for most of my life my inner reality has been very different from my outer reality and i can t seem to make them match up the fireman i went to high school with shouting my name from the ranks of the parade reminded me that i wasn t invisible then and that reminded me that my overarching storyline isn t true today either i m actually not invisible ...
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