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rowse around in i found they had nothing resembling plus sizes but they kept assuring me that their mediums ran really large i didn t know if i should be frustrated with them or appreciative of the fact that they seemed to sincerely believe i might fit into a medium lol no loss going in as i found a pretty piece of art that i want to use in my new music room study i stopped on the way home and wandered around a lovely garden center that is set up in an old barn that turned into a lovely interlude in my day i was quite by myself there having missed the sign saying the proprietor had a 12 30 appointment seems to be a thing i keep running into the nursery was set up in rooms and there were flowers everywhere it was so peaceful and quiet with nothing but the sounds of birds chirping and bees buzzing and i had it all to myself i saw lots of very healthy and lovely perennials that i hope to return and purchase in a week or so i d promised sam i d keep millie while he took isaac to an appointment josh walked over after he got off the bus at his house he s such a teen lately he calls me grandmother i ve not said a word about it i ve been gramma most of his life except when he first began to talk then i was gah ah and i answered to it so if he wants to call me grandmother now i can answer to that too it amuses me that he needs to make me his exclusively in that way he s holed up in the dark guest room playing a game millie s tearing the house down playing bowling in the kitchen i chuckle to myself recalling that when josh was two he had a similar melissa and doug bowling set and two of the pins with their eyes and happy smiles were adopted as his babies which he carried about with him everywhere long way from the pre teen sequestered in my dark guest room now i am off to start my supper sam will be here in a little bit and he s going to put the new tag on the honda for me then this day will also be done thursday may 21 i so wanted to lie in bed and sleep this morning but i got up and showered and dressed i am putting new healthy practices into my routine like not having coffee first thing in the morning but having lemon water instead and going out to sit with the morning sun in my eyes both are meant to be great for lowering cortisol and resetting digestive and circadian rhythms i downloaded cornell university s merlin app onto my phone a few weeks ago i set it to record for 10 minutes while i m on the porch and it s always interesting to see how many bird calls it will pick up 10 minutes also happens to be how long i need to sit with my face towards the sun so it s a nice way to time myself i close my eyes and just sit there and listen and not think i like feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and the peacefulness i feel i got up after my ten minutes today and worked in the yard for about an hour i don t try to accomplish loads of things but i wander about and do what i see needs to be done pull weeds here deadhead a flower there adjust a brick out of place pick up a pile of sticks i try to work for a solid hour but i let the heat and the heaviness of tasks dictate how long i actually stay i came in today after my morning yard work and made my coffee then went to write out morning pages a form of journaling another routine thing i m trying to return to the habit of doing then after breakfast i walked through the house and did general pick up and tidying planned meals for the rest of the day and made myself a tall glass of peach iced tea a few years ago i couldn t imagine summer without peach tea i just happened to see the tea bags today in my stash and i decided to brew one now i have to go order more of them because i d forgotten how good they are i used to order from amazon but apparently the company do only their own online mail order i think it s going to be my go to treat for this next month and perhaps for the summer another healthy thing i m planning to replace sugar free drinks with unsweetened iced tea or unsweetened dalgona coffees tomorrow i must be out again i have to make a return pick up a gift and get birthday cards together and ready to mail because i am about to be hit with a birthday or two every week for the next five weeks i d like to go back by that garden nursery i had to myself yesterday she had a lovely selection of coleus of all colors and types i may be thinking perennials but coleus is one annual that lasts and lasts it brings color when nothing else is blooming due to the heat and it s so easy to propagate so that i have fresh plants all summer and fall long i ve stumbled upon a playlist of opera arias such glorious music and such passion in the singing oh my it s carrying me through this afternoon very nicely indeed saturday may 23 i didn t go out again this week no indeed i snugged in at home and decided to do homey things cleaning and tidying and such and it felt very good indeed however it meant i didn t go out to buy the gift nor birthday cards i m not sorry i stayed at home i need these days quite possibly even more than i need the days out of the house i came to the end of yesterday content and happy and pleasantly tired it was a productive workday but not a taxing day late afternoon yesterday the threatening clouds stopped threatening and started acting lightning thunder heavy hard rain drops the grass turned greener during the afternoon downpours i couldn t help but think how much john disliked thunderstorms even mild ones like we had yesterday well he has no storms to face in heaven now i m glad of that for him i truly am yesterday marked two months since he died i made it through the day just fine in fact if i mourned over anything at all yesterday it was that memorial day monday will have been our anniversary and it wasn t until afternoon that i remembered the day s date and realized it had been two months sam was aware i know because he came by here twice yesterday and sat and talked both times he was very gentle when i mentioned the anniversary on monday and then broke off suddenly because i was swallowing back tears i know mama i know he soothed he s shared more about his own grief of late now that he s had time to distance himself from that final day and the grief in his household has subsided a little now he s time to process his grief to be honest i see a lot of myself in sam and i don t say that in a prideful way but a worrying way he is a care giver not a taker and in his household he gets very little of the great care he pours out poured back into him i know the toll that takes when you are always pouring out and never receiving back i m glad that john was cognizant of giving as well as of receiving i contemplated going out today i just couldn t make myself want to do it i was going to do all the errands i needed to do yesterday i even contemplated going into the furniture store to buy a new mattress for my bed john and i had been debating that purchase for too long neither of us slept well on the mattress on our bed it had long since stopped being a great mattress but as with most big purchases even knowing exactly what i meant to spend and being assured i could easily handle the expense i decided to push it off and wait i reckon that is something i ve taken from john he wouldn t pull the trigger on any purchase unless we were absolutely assured that money could be replaced and since our income was fixed well we got nothing unless it was an emergency purchase or we d saved and saved and then he wanted that savings put back after it was spent yep we had to save twice once to purchase and once again after we d used the savings for what we d meant to use it for so he could have the satisfaction of seeing that bank balance rise so last night when i went to bed i threw all the pillows i d been piling on john s side off the bed and then crawled right into the middle of the bed to sleep and i m here to tell you factually that the dang lumpy middle doesn t sleep a darn bit better than either of the sagging sides so why postpone buying a mattress i don t know i have to figure out how to dispose of the old one for one thing and i worry that the next mattress won t be comfortable either but then we never know if the next mattress will do we i mean it s like being afraid to toss out the old swimsuit that no longer fits well or looks nice but finding a new one means the agony of searching to find something you like can afford and will fit well it s that way with any new purchase and yes i do get anxiety about it not paralyzing anxiety but anxiety gracious no wonder john and i seldom got anything new his anxiety over spending and my anxiety over choosing then i worry that now isn t the proper time to buy a mattress but it s memorial day weekend and all the furniture stores are having sales i could order online and have it delivered right to my door the truth is that i m burnt out it s another decision to be made and i m so weary just now of making decisions monday may 25 saturday i never did much of anything i didn t work on my junk journal or start a new puzzle i didn t color or write or even watch television i did something i know i must have because the day passed right on as it always does but i can t possibly tell you what i did beyond make and eat meals and just wander about or sit and contemplate no loss that evening when i was ready to settle in for the night john s brother called and talked for about an hour john was very patient with his brother during the long phone calls they shared but one doesn t talk to george one is talked to by george goodbyes tend to be said ten or so times before he actually hangs up mostly he s talked about john george is having a really hard time accepting john s death he s angry at john for not going to the doctor sooner at the doctor for not noting that john was not well at john for not going into the va as george urged him to do to increase his disability rating then they would have found it then he wouldn t have died i found it all very taxing to be honest because much as i miss john much as i would turn back time if possible i know that john wasn t being stubborn and the doctor wasn t being obtuse john didn t feel well but he didn t feel sick he couldn t pinpoint any symptom that pointed to heart trouble his symptoms all pointed to hashimoto s disease which was diagnosed and for which he had medication and supplements he was trained to recognize heart attacks and symptoms of heart disease and he just didn t have them by the time we did know he was already at the end i m not angry at john i don t feel he left me as i ve heard some women say who were widowed generally young women i m not mad at god or doctors i m just so very grateful grateful that right up until the end john lived grateful that i had him in my life grateful that i had that last 11 hours the doctor didn t expect us to have at all grateful that i knew he loved me and he knew i loved him grateful that our marriage had been a good one a pretty normal marriage with silly arguments and major crises and heartaches and joys we lived well together all the years i knew him and we hung in with one another when we had personal times that were damned difficult not perfect just normal i m grateful for who he was who he taught me to be who we were together i m grateful that he knew he was saved and that i am saved i have that hope of seeing him again in my future so no i m not angry i can t even find a reason to want to be angry i know that some anger is part of the normal grief process but i can t feel it i miss him oh how i miss him but i m trying my best to do what he wanted what he always told me to do live go on don t wallow in grief and i think i ve honored him by doing just that yesterday we all gathered to celebrate taylor s birthday she was very pleased with her gifts i thought it very sweet that both caleb and bella made her cards and wrote her a note in them of course as always john came up in conversation i think it was millie who spied him in family pictures on katie s living room wall corey cody s friend had picked up a guitar and was playing it softly in the background my family was all around me and i felt very blessed to be there i thought of how proud john would have been of all the children and grandchildren and i thought of how lovely it was to hear a guitar being played i think i miss that as much as i miss john today bess and millie came over for morning coffee i didn t push myself very hard today at all i ve tended to be a little weepy here and there it s to be expected i laughingly told bess when she asked if i wanted to do anything for my anniversary that i didn t know why i felt sad because in all our married years i don t think we ever did anything on our actual anniversary date we were always just back from vacation or just about to go on vacation or john was working or one of the children needed one of us to do something we celebrated eventually with a meal out and sometimes with a gift but mostly we didn t but yes today smarted a bit knowing that i wouldn t ever celebrate our wedding day again beforehand nor late after bess and millie left i did a quick bible study and morning pages and ate my breakfast then i puttered in the kitchen i ve decided to go through the whole house systematically room by room and clear out clutter i started last friday in the laundry and back entry today i tackled the pair of islands we have on the one wall in the kitchen yes there is clutter and there are things that i don t need and won t use and they need to leave my house i started a list of things i need to buy or replace and things i mean to donate when i make some of those purchases like losing an oversized casserole dish once i buy a replacement set for my old casserole dishes that broke and the flatware that always always jumps off the plate usually with a load of food on it and hits the floor because they are so unbalanced with an extra long and heavy handle those can go and the pan i picked up at an estate sale a few years ago but have yet to use after i was done with the task of decluttering i cleaned the islands well inside and out and organized it afresh then i went off to the study i m trying to get in the habit of calling the music room the study to work on my junk journal for may i have thoughts about this a i put it off entirely too long i really enjoy the creative work of it but waiting until near the end of the month to do the whole month is too much at once b this is something i consider fun and terri like i will deny myself the pleasure of having fun over and over again always setting myself tasks of work or errands then failing to keep my promise that i ll make time to play later in the day i didn t get very far today because i am low on ink in the printer i nearly finished two days and have a third day of photos ready but i m very far behind and having to order printer ink is only going to delay it even further but in future i m going to try to make this a ...
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