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description= Reflections on books and art;
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he wouldn t be surprised if he was so radical that you had to have all new equipment and start all over again like you did with sound in 1928 at which mr marcus groans aloud in horror the comparison with orson welles seems strained someone says pat looks like welles and a makeup artist friend jeff boldini persuades him to try a beard which makes him look identical for a joke he persuades pat to drive with him over to a set where they need bearded men as extras but sticks a cardboard sign with orson welles written on it onto the car without pat noticing as the car trundles along the lots main s street a group of old guys point towards it then one of their number seems to collapse it s mr marcus he saw the car with orson welles written on it and this triggered a panic attack and a heart attack worse is to come because one of the group runs over to the car and asks mr welles i e pat whether they can use his car to transport mr marcus to the infirmary in a second pat is out of the car and running he runs to the entrance to the studio bursts past the guard and runs into the nearest bar where there are a few other guys with beards and so he fits right in and loudly declares he ll buy a drink for every bearded guy in the bar this is the first hobby story which is not only not funny it barely makes sense you can hear the stretching to try and concoct a plot 6 pat hobby s secret june 1940 pat is in the office of the studio bookie louie griebel while a producer mr banizon complains that the well known playwright r parke woll has written most of a really good script but has refused to finish it unless he s given eight weeks at three grand a week the worst is that woll told him the ending but he was on two different phone calls at the time and forgot it the issue is deliberately ludicrous everyone needs to know who put the artillery shell into claudette colbert s trunk pat promises to go schmooze this woll and get the ending out of him now woll is on an old fashioned bender drinking his way round los angeles pat catches up with him in conks bar after falling in with the drunk playwright and the coterie of weasels who are sponging off him pat bides his time drinks with them and eventually goes to the loo with woll here pat adroitly gets woll to tell him how the shell got into claudette colbert s trunk but then he realises pat is a spy and goes to blat him pat turns to run but bangs straight into conks bar s giant bouncer an embittered former wrestler who holds him back woll comes running up and aims a haymaker at pat who ducks and he hits smith square in the mouth enraged smith picks woll up and throws him to the floor in a classic wrestling move trouble is within a few minutes woll is dead along with several others pat is arrested and held overnight in the cells but released the next day he s called to the trial of smith for murder and just before he takes the stand smith s huge intimidating wife leans over his chair and tells him if he speaks against her husband she s twist his tongue out of his head thus intimidated pat takes the stand and when the prosecutor asks him to describe what happened pat says he remembers going into the bar and drinking but then it all goes white white yes white the courtroom titters a bit but pat is allowed to step down all night long a mountainous amazon threatening to tear his tongue out haunts his dreams next morning he goes to see banizon accompanied by one of the few agents who ll still touch him and helps him screw a bigger fee out of the producer for revealing the secret of how the shell got into claudette colbert s trunk but when the big moment comes pat reveals that everything s gone white he also has forgotten the plot twist in the middle of the story fitzgerald contrasts the roaring twenties with the fearful forties 7 pat hobby putative father july 1940 pat is wasting another morning in the writers building staring out the window and not getting a thing done when a messenger from jack berners says he s been ordered to show two guests round the studio they are beautifully dressed indians the older one named sir singrim dak raj the younger one john hobby indore the latter explains with wild implausibility that he is pat s putative son what he means is that for a spell back in 1926 pat was married to one delia brown she divorced him in 1927 when the boy was a few months old and went to india here she married a very rich rajah so young john was brought up like a prince the old guy sir singrim dak raj is his uncle and they re on a tour of the states pat accepts this news very casually the indians want to see the star bonita granville so pat takes them round various lots and sets much to the disillusion of sir singrim dak raj who believed all film sets are perfect replicas of the real world rather than shoddy facades and smuggles them onto a lot but typically they get caught sneaking across the set just as the lights go on and the director calls action cut to them spending some time in the studio s guard room before they re finally released and pat shamefacedly shakes hands as they leave the studio in the evening of the same day he goes to see the pair at their swanky hotel and is surprised to learn that they consider he did his best for them and so have deigned to offer him a permanent stipend of 250 a month but on one condition on condition there is no war at which point all revenues of their state will revert to the british empire for once pat thinks he s had a lucky break till he wakes up next morning opens the papers and reads that war has broken out between britain and germany 8 the homes of the stars august 1940 pat s car breaks down near the stall of a tour of the homes of the stars guide s shabby little stand little more than an umbrella and his loud clothes when he fails to interest pat in a tour the tired old guide gus venske goes for lunch pat is taking refuge from the california sun under the guide s umbrella when a limousine pulls up and a classy man and woman ask if he can give them a tour taking advantage of the misunderstanding pat says yes and climbs in with the chauffeur they are mr and mrs deering r robinson of robdeer food products kansas it s easy enough for pat to lie about being the writer behind several recent hit movies but obviously as soon as they arrive at an actual star s house things get more dicey he actually knows ronald colman and as the limo draws up outside colman s house and pat starts to go up the drive colman himself exits his house throws a casual hi pat to pat jumps into his car and drives away the house is locked up but that hi pat does the trick for his rich clients the robinsons think they re on the inside track now but their demands are preposterously unrealistic the rich wife wants to chat to carole lombard about her hair and have a mooch about her bedroom pat winces in particular the woman insists that they go and see shirley temple s house and have a chat pat pops into a drugstore for some dutch courage i e gin then directs the chauffeur to the shirley temple home this is surrounded by a tall iron fence and an electric gate so he makes the chauffeur go on a few to the next big house promising to check out the lie of the land pat tentatively goes up to the front door but finds it open unwisely he fetches the robinsons from the car and telling them unfortunately shirley is at the studio shows them inside into a huge baronial style hall unwisely he says no one is home at which mrs robinson wants to have a peek at shirley s bedroom along with her little dog boojie while the robinsons are looking at the bedroom pat sees a car pull up outside and the very important producer mr marcus gets out and so pat legs it down the stairs through the kitchen and out the back door from a hiding place he watches mr robinson produce his card to a sceptical mr marcus the arrival of the police the frisking of the robdeer food products executive pat is just congratulating himself on getting away with it when he remembers that he left his car abandoned near the original tour guide s umbrella the cops are bound to find it and track him and then that cheery hi pat from ronald colman he hopes against hope that colman has forgotten his last name 9 pat hobby does his bit september 1940 pat is on a set trying to cadge some money of a stunt actor gyp mccarthy when the director calls action and he finds himself cowering behind a flat a wooden flat making up part of the set but the camera is tracking finds him the director shouts for him to put his hands up it s a gangster movie and a woman runs past him and leaps out the set window as cut is called pat himself legs it only to discover the actress outside who irrelevantly tells him as she jumps into a waiting car that she s all finished and flying back to england next morning pat wakes with the guilty knowledge that he screwed up a shot in a movie this is a major sin far beyond being a bum and betting drunk and propositioning secretaries he sneaks into the studio mainly because he wants to cadge money off louie the bookie but is nabbed by two security guards and dragged in front of a furious jack berners berners confirmed how much pat screwed up that was the last scene to be shot of the movie the camera jammed and the damn actress lily keatts has flown back to england the director of the movie arrives big george hilliard and they make pat say some lines he s still defending himself when the others agree he ll just about do do do for what because the camera caught him in the crucial scene of the actress jumping out the window he now has to play the same part of a villain called the rat in half a dozen other scenes what so they hustle him out tell him to join the union and report on set this afternoon he ll get 250 for the week same as his lowest writing rate the next day he discovers there s quite a catch while he s being fitted with a massive steel cast covering his entire torso and starting to protest the director hilliard explains the story has him lying in a ditch lighting the fuse to a keg of dynamite at which point the movie s hero drives a car over him he s protesting and refusing when he sees the man from the car rental company who s come to repossess his coupe faithful pal and servant since 1934 and so very reluctantly agrees he lies down in the ditch as instructed is shown his action hears the car s engines being turned on hears action does his bit and hears the car coming closer then blacks out when he comes to he s alone in the darkness under the stars still encased in the iron brace what after yelling his head off for a while a security guard comes and helps him up the guard explains that on its approach to his position the car went over a bump rolled over and broke the star s leg at which point all hell broke loose and the shoot was abandoned everyone either accompanying the star to hospital or packing up and going home they all forgot about pat who had passed out with fear this like the orson welles story comes close to failing i think it s because the contrivance is bigger than the laughs you can see the joins you can hear fitzgerald straining to make something out of it like a lot of fitzgerald it has many colourful parts which don t quite gel 10 pat hobby s preview october 1940 pat is in jack berner s office who s telling him they re going to take his name off a movie which is just about to be released this is because the main writer ward wainwright is furious that pat changed a few words and gets a credit berners promises to do what he can and tells pat he ll get him tickets to the preview but to avoid wainwright out in the studio he sees a young woman obviously lost and pulls her back out of the way of a passing lorry she is sweet and innocent eleanor carter from boise idaho he gives her a tour spouting reams of lies claims to have written all the recent hits an interesting list captains courageous 1937 the awful truth 1937 test pilot 1938 mr smith goes to washington 1939 wuthering heights 1939 he genuinely impresses her by using his name to be admitted to a stage where a film is being shot and they watch ronald colman rehearsing then he remembers he has tickets to a preview tonight would she like to come along she says yes and pat becomes excited enough to consider getting a room for the day and trying to seduce her but she just wants to get her haircut and he lets her go promising to meet tonight back at berner s office the secretary gives him tickets to the preview but explains they re actually wainwright ward s that he returned in disgust pat goes to the lavish expense of buying a two dollar shirt and picks up eleanor at her apartment he tries out the old line about getting her a screen test and she s innocently excited he takes her to dinner unwisely downing six whiskeys beforehand they arrive at the movie theatre and press through the throng and eleanor clings to him and some fans thrust autograph books in front of them but that s the high point when he hands over the tickets a security guard points out they re not for this premier at all but for some burlesque show downtown nothing pat can do will budge him and so they re forbidden entrance but at this moment of defeat when some in the crowd of onlookers are at risk of starting to jeer who should stride out of the theatre door than the movie s angry author ward wainwright he spots pat and hands him his own ticket stubs and sorts it out with security assuring them that pat is in fact the author no way is eleanor carter from boise idaho going to allow pat hobby anything more than a doorstep kiss but as the crowd parts to let them into the theatre she briefly feels like a genuine star 11 no harm trying november 1940 pat is slumped in his apartment which sits atop a delicatessen when his reluctant landlord delivers a phone message from a carl le vigne at the studio when pat motors in expecting a job instead le vigne tells him his wife of three brief weeks years ago estelle is in hospital tried to slash her wrists turns out estelle was the best script girl on the lot back in the day and so for old time s sake they re willing to take pat on at 250 a week for three weeks provided 150 of it goes to estelle s hospital bills it s a sinecure he won t be expected to do any work this is the first time he s ever been paid to do nothing and it makes him wonder how many other of the confident strollers round the studios are in a similar position one lunchtime he sits down opposite a pretty blonde named lizzette starheim a violet eyed little blonde with an ill concealed air of disillusion she soon leaves and pat moves over to talk to a director dutch waggoner who angrily tells him he s on contract but hasn t done anything for 6 months back in the office pat and eric the callboy discuss other types who are on a retainer but not working eric darkly says there s a big shakeup coming at the studio and he expects money man harmon shaver to take over also he has a couple ...
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