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ore time with but i rarely see them i ve lived in my house for 4 years and they ve never come to visit honestly i m not trying to feel sorry for myself i m just trying to explain why i am feeling the way i am so you can understand i so miss my house in md i loved my house and it was always filled with family and friends but i couldn t live there anymore after losing my son and i ve lost so many friends and family members lately and that doesn t help i remember my mom feeling so sad that she was losing so many and now i understand how she felt i just feel lost and i don t know how to fix that and please don t feel sorry for me i just needed to put it out there so you can understand and i can hopefully move forward thank you for your understanding renee the hellion view all 7 comments 24 feb 22 living alone february 24 2022 aging life hellion for the first time ever alone it s definitely been a rough couple of years since losing my son i knew i couldn t continue to live in the house where he died but what was next where would i go i needed a fresh start i needed something new and different my youngest daughter convinced me to move to vermont and live with her and my 3 grandsons and so i did i loved being there loved vermont and spending time with family but i also longed to be back in maryland with my oldest daughter friends and my son s 2 children maryland was also closer to my remaining family in pennsylvania so i moved back to maryland i lived with a good friend for about a year trying to decide where to go next her house sold and i needed to make a decision i d been looking for awhile and tossing around the idea of moving back home to pennsylvania the place where i grew up and raised my kids a good friend in york pa reached out when they learned i was thinking about it and said i could move in with them until i found something and so i moved back home during the pandemic i had trouble finding a place to live everything was gone by the time i even went to see it a few things fell through and the next thing i knew a year had passed and i was still staying at my friend s house i was really starting to get depressed and wondering if i was truly meant to be back in pa and then one day out of the blue another friend who owns some properties reached out and said one of them just became available and would i be interested in seeing it of course i said yes and when i saw it i fell in love with it and knew this was where i was supposed to be it is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light aristotle i moved in the following month and have been here for 5 months now i couldn t be happier my little place my home all mine just me and then a few weeks after i moved in and finally got settled i was thinking how strange it felt to be here day in day out with no one else here it was then i realized i had never done this before living alone i m 72 and have never in my life lived alone until now i always even after my kids were grown had at least one or all 3 of my kids living with me one would move out and another would move back in two moved out and one was still there i loved having one or more of them there with me even more so when they were adults and i didn t have to take care of them we took care of each other do i miss them while i love my place and the serenity of being alone and doing what i want when i want the answer is yes i definitely miss them sometimes i am so happy i have gotten to reconnect with a lot of family that i hadn t seen in years my only surviving aunt and lots of cousins and friends from school being back home has given me this wonderful opportunity but the disadvantage to that has made me miss my mother and sister even more if that could even happen they both passed in 2014 living in maryland always made me feel like they were still here in pa i drive by mom s house and i want to go in and see her i remember her telling me how hard it was living alone after my dad passed i didn t get it now i do living alone is definitely different especially if you ve never done it before but i m doing it note i haven t written in almost 2 years i just didn t feel like it due to all the unstableness in my life but now seems like a good time to start again with being in a quiet house and having time on my hands i ll be writing about a lot of things that have crossed my mind these past few years hope you enjoy reading my posts again the way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing walt disney view all 8 comments 08 apr 20 when you have to stay inside forever april 8 2020 life selfisolating stayathome virus hellion and it really does feel like it s been forever my happy place where i want to be right now so i ve been self isolating for over 3 weeks now i honestly can say i enjoy time alone time to read and relax and just be i have had enough going out partying working three jobs at a time etc to last me a lifetime so yeah i enjoy my alone time i like to read binge watch old movies and tv shows but that was before we were told we couldn t go out i ve never been very good at listening to someone when they told me i couldn t do something even my parents to me when someone said you can t do that i took it as a challenge and somehow found a way to do it it didn t always end well but i did it but this is different this is life threatening maybe some of the chances i took years ago were as well but now at 70 i tend to look at things a little differently when we are young we don t listen to the reasons why we shouldn t do something we think it can t hurt just this once everything will be fine that was then this is now i look at these kids on beaches and say what is wrong with them why don t they listen and do what they are told and then i think what would i do if i were their age when we are young and have our whole life in front of us we think we are invincible nothing s going to happen why not just this one time hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness desmond tutu i think back on my life and remember several incidents when someone told me i shouldn t do something go out with someone or go somewhere that wasn t safe their words fell on deaf ears which isn t really funny now since i am almost deaf and i did it anyway i did it because i found a way to do it and that was all that mattered not this time i am in and staying in except for walks in the neighborhood where i hardly ever pass another human i have 20 more years left to enjoy on this earth maybe 30 if i m lucky i don t want to take the chances i did when i was young and foolish chances that could end up costing me my life or a sickness that would last for a long time i don t want to go through that or have my kids have to deal with it and watch me go through it i just don t and so i stay in and don t take chances i read binge watch old tv shows which by the way are better than the ones on now i run on the treadmill every day and walk i check in on family and friends to make sure they are doing ok through this and i write this is the first blog post i have done in over a year a lot has happened in that year and maybe i will write about it at some point i ve been wanting to start again and just kept putting it off i figured now was as good a time as any to start i hope you are all doing well and doing things you enjoy without having to leave your house i ve told you what i m doing so tell me what are you doing everything has it s wonders even darkness and silence and i learn whatever state i may be in therein to be content helen keller view all 14 comments 12 mar 19 missing mom march 12 2019 aging life missing mom moms mothers love hellion it s been 4 years this week since she s been gone my beautiful mother this week marked the 4 year anniversary of my mother s passing and it brought up so many thoughts and memories i didn t even realize i had we like to think we are so different from our mothers but are we my mom has been on my mind a lot lately for a variety of reasons one of which is that i recently came across a letter she wrote to me right after our moving to maryland from pennsylvania and reading it made me cry but it also made me understand some things a little better in the letter she expressed her concern for us being so far away and that she wouldn t get to see me as often and we wouldn t be able to go shopping together like we did when i lived in the same city as her she told me that some day i would know how she felt and that she hoped we would still be as close as we had been before the move now i only moved about an hour and a half away so it wasn t like i moved across the country to california or to new england like my youngest did but she was concerned it would change our lives and our closeness and she wanted me to know she missed me mothers are like glue even when you can t see them they re still holding the family together susan gayle i went up there once a week and we still did our dinners and went shopping we also did every holiday with her and dad they had wonderful get togethers at christmas and picnics on memorial day 4th of july and labor day where the whole family would be at their house to celebrate these celebrations were so important to mom and she made them very special for everyone i really loved spending time with my parents and the rest of the family but sometimes i just didn t feel like going maybe because it was expected that i be there and maybe i just wanted to stay at the beach longer with my friends and not come back early to be at the family gathering and so one year i did just that i stayed at the beach and called to say i wouldn t be getting back for this get together mom was quite upset that i wasn t coming home but i stood my ground i didn t go i had fun at the beach with my friends that tuesday after labor day i got a call at work that my father had a massive coronary and died i have never forgiven myself for not going to the labor day family gathering that year the last one we ever had we all make choices that don t work out or we feel were a mistake at the time and this is one i regret not only that my father died and i missed seeing him one last time but how much i had let my mother down by not coming home our parents are only here for part of our lives some people get to have them longer than others but the point is they won t be here forever so if they ask something of us maybe we should do that thing for them and if you are lucky enough to still have yours spend time with them as often as you can and tell them you love them i also had to call my mother every night at 11pm every night without fail she would call me if i didn t and i would be in big trouble it was just something we did she did it with her mother and we had to do it too i had moved out of our home so i didn t see her anymore on a daily basis and i would be somewhere and think omg it s 11 00 i have to call mom i get it now why she wanted me to call i was 15 3 months shy of 16 and i was a kid she missed me and she wanted to be part of my daily life i didn t get that then it was just another thing i had to do all of these things i had to do and i would do them all now in a heartbeat if i could but i can t i still love to shop and go with my daughters and grand kids but i would give anything to go shopping with mom i do blame her quite frequently for my shopping habits it s all her fault that i buy the things i do at least that is what i tell myself love you and miss you mom talk to you later the heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness honore de balzac view all 12 comments 17 jan 19 what i want this year january 17 2019 aging life my word serenity word of the year hellion my word for this year is serenity calm quiet and serene my word for 2019 is serenity to me it means calm quiet and peaceful and when i googled it it said noun the state of being calm peaceful and serene i need to feel this i need to feel peaceful i have been feeling anxious quite a bit lately and that is so not like me i usually do not dwell on things or let the small things bother me my motto has always been to not worry about things that could happen but now i seem to worry about everything and anything i over think and dwell on the what ifs i have never been that person before so i don t know how to deal with this i was always the person who told others when they would be worried about something when you are 90 and sitting in your rocker on the porch will this even matter i think that is a good barometer for testing whether it is truly something you should worry about or leave it go but evidently i don t listen to myself anymore at least not the self that gives me good advice worrying has never solved one single problem i know that to be a fact my brain knows it my heart knows it so why can t i stop i ve thought about this for quite a while and told myself this isn t you why are you doing this what changed to make you be like this the simple answer and the only one i can come up with my son died if that can happen anything can happen serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm unknown i m not sure if my son s untimely death is totally to blame but it surely plays a part in my new way of looking at life i never expected to lose a child much less to suicide so if this can happen anything can happen bad things can happen any time to anyone that makes me anxious that makes me worry i worry about my daughters i worry about my grandchildren i worry about my friends if i text someone and they dont text back i immediately think something bad has happened to them they must be lying in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere i know this is crazy and i know my family and friends think i m crazy but i cant help it i care i worry my house is a constant source of worry also having been built in 1892 there is always something going wrong something to worry about my son could fix everything and did now i have to find someone to fix things i have over time found people and there have been many good friends that have helped with this but it is still a constant source of worry and one i need to figure out it s easy to find people to fix things i wish i could find someone to fix me serenity is knowing that your worst shot is still pretty good johnny miller so dear family and friends if i annoy you with my questions and worry please forgive me i care about you i don t want to lose you my hope is that 2019 will bring me what i need i walk everyday and have started walking further and faster it brings me a sense of peace and clears my mind maybe i should be like forrest gump and just keep walking walking until i finally find peace of mind and now you know the reasons behind my word of the year i need to feel calm i need to feel peace i need to feel serene don t underestimate the power of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself to deliver peace and serenity charles f glassman view...
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