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tear streaked face in the rear view mirror i look at the dashboard clock and then the slowing line of cars filling up the road next to us hemming us in i look back up at the sky i think what do i do now what do i do what do i do my son sniffs takes in a breath let s just breathe mama let s just breathe share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized feb 06 the persistence of landscape posted by tracy franz 2 ever since moving to nova scotia from japan i have noticed in myself a habit of seeing the features of alaska the place where i grew up so there is the pervasive rock and water of this new place but there is also a stretch of imagined snow tipped mountains tracing along an expanse of blue sky i think it is the similarities that trick my brain into seeing what is not there sprawling forests of birch and pine seagulls circling above dark and turbulent seas how can this not be alaska so many elements are the same in japan i never saw the geography of my homeland but i sometimes thought i understood when i did not or i understood in a way that was different from how others understood perhaps this was the cultural equivalent of my imaginary mountains all that i had known before was the backdrop or overlay to my perception of everything that came after so yes i suspect those mountains point to something subtle that i cannot yet grasp this is the obvious explanation of my current visual fallacy a kind of culture shock but it is also a reminder that both perception and time are slippery all is in flux for instance if i follow the arrow of time backwards to the origin of the remembered mountains i see that my memories now include some sense of my husband of my children and also of our arrival to this new country my understanding of the past is set against all that came after so those memories are altered but they feel no less true than when i experienced them in real time or when i remembered them at different times in the years that followed in this way i am an embodiment of context time and space and encounter an entire landscape held in one small human form everything even memory is altered by memory this paradox is truth but it is not the only truth because sometimes i look into vast blue sky and that is all i see share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jan 06 notes from a year ago after putting boy to bed posted by koun 3 who s up tonight um wolverine from the beginning ok papa ok wolverine was born a long long time ago he s older than grandpa s grandpa where s grandpa s grandpa now he died why because everyone dies i don t want to die will you die yes eventually why it s natural but it s ok we enjoy people while they re alive but why do people die i don t know how do people die in lots of ways sometimes just old age but sometimes a disease or an accident lots of ways papa yes i m scared of monsters you don t need to be there are no monsters not in the whole wide world they re just a story but where the powerpuff girls live there s monsters powerpuff girls are just a story too i m scared of the hulk though the hulk is just a story but he comes to canada right that s also just a story a story i made up for you are we just a story i don t think so but we tell lots of stories papa yes we re both the same superhero really yeah we both have many arms soft arms to help people and hard arms to fight bad guys listen what someone s crying where somewhere stretch your soft arms like this really wide like this now it s ok will the person crying feel the soft arms no it just feels like a blanket share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized nov 22 of trees and memory posted by tracy franz 1 this morning was the first day of bone chilling nova scotia cold and i walked through darkness to the bus stop on my way to teach an english class i was remembering maybe because of the way the wind gusted and shook the leaves in the trees a phone call some years ago in spring about the death of a friend and then across the street i saw the source of the sound that got me thinking a stand of birch lit by a streetlamp and suddenly it became twelve months ago and i was moving through afternoon light in the opposite direction toward home with my two year old daughter at my side carry me mama she said and i obliged even though she d grown heavy and tall no longer my baby she whispered mama those trees are making me cold sweetie i said that s not possible leaning back she pointed emphatically to white birch those trees are making me cold we ll be home soon i said as i put her down but something about her strange child s logic made the trees into a thing i carried and could not put down the idea that something experienced in one sense could be the catalyst for another sensation entirely this morning when i looked up at those trees one last time before turning the final bend to the bus stop i noticed a rhythmic creak that became the sound of crickets in the house of my japanese teacher twelve years ago in yamanashi the insects called out again and again as we conjugated verbs and drank from sweating cups of iced buckwheat tea when i commented on it that pleasant trilling like a little reed flute my teacher led me to a wooden cage beneath the stairs where the crickets were kept the sound gives us a cool feeling in the hot summer months it takes us to another season synesthesia i remember saying it almost seems like that she nodded a good word wasurenai i will not forget share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized oct 28 an architecture of empathy posted by tracy franz 2 for as long as i can remember i ve dreamt of impossible houses simple stark exteriors that belie the infinite labyrinthine structures contained within a closet that is really a chambered corridor spiraling ever inward nautilus like before expanding out into a bedchamber the size of a cathedral an endless hallway of identical doors leading to identical dens save for slight variations in the arrangement of furniture a swimming pool wending its way through the dark stacks of a subterranean library often there are landmarks of recognition a character a dwelling a room an object from my past sometimes it is entirely unexplored territory either way i spend my nights mapping an interior landscape that reveals and reveals and reveals i don t know why i have these dreams but i do know that they mess with my equilibrium well after i awaken that altered perspective staying with me for hours or days after some months ago the four of us made our way around the grounds of an old nova scotia farm and a familiar feeling came over me a kind of recognition it was i realized the first time i had felt truly compelled by the architecture of this new country and so i started taking pictures hand hewn crossbeams the sturdy hinges of a barn door stairs disappearing into shadow it seemed there was a revelation in every angle as we moved into and out of buildings my daughter repeatedly patted my hip a touchstone of sorts before running a few paces forward and then back again koun and boy walked far ahead on some other mission mama where s the piggy the pigs we d been told were to be found in a hay filled corner of the barn before us as we entered into darkness girl took my hand and then leapt up into my arms when we found what we d been searching for a great sow at rest a row of content piglets suckling alongside her a woman probably there with her grandchild stepped back and offered her spot at the railing do you want to get closer girl clutched my arms tightly but nodded the woman next to us smiled as she turned to leave what a sweetheart you re lucky you know girls are so much easier than boys girl and i and the pigs rested for a moment in the shadows mama yes the piggies want to go outside stepping back out into sunlight girl squirmed free of my arms and i took one last photo the skeletal ribs of a hay wagon and the spare houses beyond it that had been my aim but the sun s glare refracted against the screen in such a way that i framed the subject blindly and so when i reviewed the image later i saw that i had missed my mark but caught what i could not then see my daughter just on the verge of stepping out of the photograph exuding a carefree simplicity as she strutted along her path i thought a girl is a house an idea a doorway a mystery a universe unfolding share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized sep 30 inside boy s mind posted by koun 0 a couple weeks ago as i was putting him to bed i told boy for the first time about my travel plans this weekend to los angeles boy has never been to l a he drinks this in and says papa i have a secret what i ask leaning in los angeles yes is inside my brain he taps his head with his finger to make the point i try to clarify wait a minute so when i go to l a i m actually going inside your brain he nods seriously yes how will i get there he pulls back his blanket and points to his big toe in the dark you ll start here in your airplane he slowly traces the path i ll take up his leg jumping from his hip to his hand then up his arm across his neck and over his face to the top of his head that s far that s the farthest place you can go is that the farthest place in the world japan is farther but it s too far it s outside my brain i tell him that my brother will be meeting me there so will uncle b be in your brain too he looks at me like i m stupid yes he ll be in los angeles and los angeles is inside my brain again the tap so i get it last night after a couple chapters of charlotte s web we found our way back to this the location of l a my route he sits up and says papa i m going to try to visit you in los angeles inside your brain you can do that how he looks down at his covers for a long time i don t know i can t do it yet he nods as if to assure himself but i m going to figure it out this morning i m in toronto already waiting for my next flight this airport is exactly like all airports on any other day i could imagine that i m anywhere on earth but today there is another layer the pleasure of imagining that these hallways and overpriced restaurants might be the microscopic contours of the inside of my son s foot the scale changes amplifies i smile at the idea that inside my small boy there might be a place this spacious and quiet that there might be so many people with different faces and stories i like that he might be trying to find a way inside himself that inside his mind is where we meet if i were to look up and see boy here in this departure lounge sitting between the two chinese girls across from me i d smile and give him a thumbs up you did it we d get a snack he d play on the moving walkways i d tell him halfheartedly to stop we d watch the planes take off and land against the wide blue sky and i d lean over and tell him you re so big you re bigger even than all of this share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jul 18 ichi go ichi e posted by tracy franz 0 lately a mere two months away from the one year anniversary of our arrival to nova scotia from japan i ve found myself lifted and carried by a flood of memory maybe it s the change in season new life s surge or reverse culture shock i m due or my undeniably middle aged status 40 or my sporadic engagement with social media an endless yet ephemeral reunion of souls but again and again i ve been feeling that pang of emotion that accompanies vivid remembrance of those who have passed into and out of my life how do we reconcile ourselves to the loss of those we have loved the changed the hardened the dead those separated from us by time and distance and circumstance or by our own flawed choices and habits how do we find peace when this is our terrible and unrelenting reality travelers and expats know this struggle all too well the gain and loss of human connection is a huge part of the territory we are always saying goodbye forever always one time one meeting that old japanese tea ceremony adage is keenly felt constant and constantly jarring of course it is this very experience that contributes to a unique and broadened view one much more difficult to achieve when safe in the comforts of origin and home having children forces this perspective too perhaps at a greater rate and depth i hadn t known that as parents we cannot help but grasp the raw reality of a human life its brief and transient nature frankly i think it is much easier to overlook the arc of our own lives than to ignore that of those who are under our continual watch and care with our children we bear witness each day we meet a new version of our child each day we say goodbye to the child who was it is both joyful and wrenching this microcosm of human experience and yes it can seem overwhelming at times but it has been one of my greatest teachers there is no peace when it comes to abiding the impermanence of our bonds with others not in that blissful light happy ...
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