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t the back of his bike rubbing his arms me rocking of course a red wig and leather pants dj maybe it s because i only saw the toxic video a couple times when the song was current but it wasn t until i saw the video again that i realized he was in it usually britney s typical guy has long greasy hair and looks like your typical country bumpkin see also both ex mr britneys it s a nice change of pace to see him in her video especially on a motorcycle i would not mind for a moment trading places with britney i know i first must have seen him in some random fashion editorial as well but i would be unable to pinpoint it specifically the first time i ever remember being attracted to him though was on this america s next top model rip off called make me a supermodel he was the tyra banks to 14 or so aspiring male and female model i know the show was about the models and some of those men were smokin but dayum tyson was always the hottest his arms must be his trademark because they always look great busting out of the tight shirts he wears did you ever see the show or were you too busy trying to sneak into the country to watch tv p i did watch make me a supermodel both seasons and he was smoking there as well no i wasn t too busy trying to sneak into the country i was already in obviously we don t get those kinda shows in mexico i like his arms yes and his pecs and his abs he has one of those bodies that you just wanna lick expecting for him to slowly melt in your mouth and have this delicious savory chocolate taste dj silly me for thinking mexico would watch the american version of make me a supermodel with all of those gringos they d have their own version and they would probably compete to star on a telenovella he does have a very lickable body doesn t he oddly enough that would be my first instinct as well just a question though you do realize that just because he s black it doesn t mean he tastes like chocolate right p i know he is not gonna taste like chocolate but i can dream i know he will taste like caramel dj so imagine tyson and tyra are going head to head on the runway what do you think that would look like p if tyson and tyra would go head to head in the runway um i ve read that they are really good friends and judging from last night s america s next top model i would say they are cause tyra sucked on his thumb that was disturbing although tyson is a god i would pick tyra as crazy as she is she has a gorgeous face minus the flat screen forehead and i m a sucker for women in fashion but that runway would look like a chocolate fountain fulled of muscles boobs and tyra s ego dj tyra sucked on his thumb god i love that crazy bitch i m also wildly envious of her and i d have to agree that tyra would win she would do whatever it takes to win then when she did win she wouldn t let tyson forget it because tyra knows that tyra is the best p yes they were making this movie editorial about her book modelland and of course she was the main character named wait for it tookie she s this awkward wannabe model with one green eye and one brown eye who falls in love with this guy played by tyson and since she is so awkward and unlucky in love of course the first thing she does is suck on his thumb because you know everyone sucks a thumb on a first date i d suck that thumb dj oh tyra that s literally all i can say to that and i love how tyra has even hijacked this conversation about tyson p she s awful right look at her getting into our conversations that s the power of tyra for you but yes tyson is one sexy man he really is that smile he has and those little eyes he is just a dreamy man like he would make the perfect hot boyfriend that everyone s jealous of but your friends don t know why is he dating you dj i don t know about you but he d be dating me because i put out and what about you do you like to imagine tyson tastes like chocolate posted by dame james at 7 34 am no comments labels 100 hot men and a dame boys boys boys models tyra banks tyson beckford sunday december 11 2011 10 things i hate about new year s eve i learned a lot about myself and life in general while watching new year s eve the other night no it was nothing in the movie that got me even though it tried fucking hard to turn the holiday and the ball drop into a philosophical statement on life and beginnings and triumphing past adversity rather i gleaned from the whole experience two important things first i need to start questioning my decision making skills now that i m on a fixed income and don t have money to waste on absolute shit secondly no matter how bad i make my life sound it s still nowhere near as terrible as this film new year s eve is an easy f no bones about it but let s countdown from 10 to 1 like on new year s eve get it it s a very subtle metaphor for how the new year holds all the promise for a fantastic year ahead the absolute worst things about this trash 10 the funniest thing in the movie happens during the credits new year s eve was so lacking in actual jokes zefron sofia vergara both wrung laughs out of their presence and way with words not because of what was actually written that the bloopers which accompanied the credits were actually funnier than anything in the movie and it s pretty sad that zefron dancing for a 90 seconds and a joke involving jessica biel giving birth to copies of valentine s day were the most memorable parts of the movie 09 the swankinator slaying her way to oscar glory since 1999 listen i ll stan for the swankinator and her shameless mugging for oscar attention anytime anywhere but the girl cannot do comedy she looks so bloody uncomfortable trying to be loose and spontaneous and i swear she was so rigid i thought at moments she was turning into brandon teena again plus who else was looking forward to her hooking up luda unlikeliest coupling in the history of couples i think so 08 robert deniro what a debbie downer not only was deniro saddled with the one depressing story line in the film but the film cut to his story line at all of the most inappropriate places seriously the film would go from a scene of efron and pfeiffer being all charming and full of life crossing off something on her bucket list to deniro lying in his bed hooked up to life support galore and decaying before our very eyes i get that the screenwriter was trying to force some really important topics into her fluffy screenplay but cut to them at more appropriate times it made deniro look like more of a buzzkill than he did in all of his scorsese movies combined 07 the makeup abigail breslin is a pretty girl but she has an unusual face that could look almost alien without the proper attention the makeup department s answer for this was to apparently slap a shit ton of makeup and eyeliner on her so she looked like a small town transgendered teenage prostitute and it s not like they were any nicer to the other ladies most noticeably katherine heigl who often looked like they had been chris browned right before the director started the scene 06 the slob the screeching harpy would anyone seriously have minded if the elevator ashton kutcher and lea michele were trapped in had plummeted towards the earth at 200 mph spontaneously ignited in flames and burned them to a crisp before the metal in the elevator crushed their skeletons into a thousand pieces upon impact 05 forced sentimentality i understand that in a pure crowd pleaser such as new year s eve you need some kind of emotional pull to balance out the comedy that s the nature of romantic comedies but this film was really grasping at straws to pull any and all sentimentality out of whatever random situation the script found itself in the entire movie josh duhamel s character yammers about two things this speech he has to make at a party and some girl he met the previous new year s eve that he may or may not meet again we find out he s the heir to some record label empire and he s making the speech at the company s new year s party when he does give the speech which he of course hasn t prepared for at all he for no reason other than to sneak a lot of sympathy mentions his dead father and starts tearing up the speech has absolutely nothing to do with his dad and is merely a subtle cue for him to stop whoring it up with the sluts after him who all seriously looked like 45 year old real housewives and go after the mystery girl and then there s halle berry whose mysterious new year s date is a video chat with her soldier husband in iraq come on did we really need to throw in the war for more drama and conflict shameless shameless shameless although it did give me an opportunity to make a joke in the theatre when the husband says i ve only got a couple months left i made the sound of a bomb exploding would you really put it past the makers of this film to have him die right before our very eyes i mean apparently the target audience is nicholas sparks fans as evidenced by the two sparks trailers before the movie 04 jon bon jovi is it 1988 again when did bon jovi become relevant again i have nothing against the man and he s not any worse than any of the atrocious actors in this movie but what can you talk about random inappropriate casting the dude is pushing 50 yet we re supposed to believe that not only 30 something katherine heigl is into him but also that he s this major rock star that teenage girls are willing to throw themselves at on what planet is bon jovi as desirable as justin bieber to fifteen year old girls just because you fucked underage sluts in the 80 s doesn t mean girls in 2011 know who the fuck you are grandpa 03 do you get the theme new year s eve is a chance to reflect on the past year the mistakes you ve made discern what you can improve on it s also an opportunity to wish for the future to hold out hope that the coming year will be your best ever and all your dreams will come true in case you didn t get this from the opening voiceover from either the swankinator or sarah jessica parker i m not sure you will hear it repeated ad nauseum from a host of characters old and young important and tertiary and then you ll hear the swankinator repeat it in a press conference after a problem with the ball is discovered which leads me to 02 the fucking ball why the fuck was everyone going on and on about that fucking ball it s not a goddamn metaphor for anything no matter how hard you try to make it one and why the fuck is there a problem with it isn t it set up the same way every year so much of the movie is consumed with the ball and it s really a lot of pointless wasted drama who gives a fuck 01 the script valentine s day wasn t a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination but it was passable entertainment and i found it quite amusing in parts both that film and new year s eve share the same writer katherine fugate but in that year or so it s as if she has lost any sense of comedy she may have once had like i said before the film is literally devoid of jokes anything that s funny in the film is because of the actors and the actors alone they get absolutely no help from any other source i m sure valentine s day wasn t the laugh riot i m remembering it to be and i m sure it was just as unbearably saccharine sweet but something was obviously distracting from its awfulness and that something is nowhere to be found in the joyless painful script for new year s eve look i didn t expect the world from new year s eve but when you aren t even at the same level as valentine s day or bride wars for that matter you know there s a problem posted by dame james at 11 16 pm 1 comment labels film rants le cinema rom coms swankinator zac efron monday december 5 2011 short rants on crazy stupid love did phyllida lloyd secretly direct this movie not since mamma mia have i been filled with such irrational unexplainable hatred toward a star studded pure popcorn film from the very first frame until the last cringe inducing second crazy stupid love manages to dumb down a stellar intelligent cast with sitcom clichés and out of nowhere twists that even cbs would be embarrassed by include a lazy happy ending which wraps up complicated interpersonal issues into a neat and tidy bow and uphold prehistoric ideas about men and women s places in both society and relationships this last point is what sent me over the edge first of all according to the film the only way steve carell s character is able to recapture his manhood after his pending divorce is to follow the advice of ryan gosling a well dressed impeccably groomed chauvinist who brags about tricking dumb women into wanting to have sex with him the problem however is that we are supposed to respect gosling s character as his tricks work for carell and he becomes a close friend when everyone else has abandoned him to take his wife s side this becomes a major problem later on in the film when spoiler the girl gosling has been serious about turns out to be carell s daughter so he s a good enough guy to be your friend but now he s scum because he s dating your daughter who i must add is now old enough to have passed her fucking bar exam and become a lawyer how utterly disgusting that even in 2011 we still have major plot points in major films especially a comedy where a father feels he has the right to decide whom his adult daughter may or may not date but the gender politics in this film are merely the tip of the iceberg of what crazy stupid love gets so completely wrong do we have time to cover the film s boneheaded attempts to validate the 13 year old son s love for his 17 year old babysitter who is actually in love with carell s character but let s not get into that why on earth are we pretending that this 13 year old is any different than any other 13 year old boy who would stick it in the hole of anyone who gave them the slightest bit of attention because he s sensitive and intuitive you say fuck that he s an idiot just as nearly everyone else in this movie is emma stone remains unscathed by this hot mess love does indeed suck but not nearly as much as this movie f posted by dame james at 1 58 pm 1 comment labels emma stone film rants julianne moore le cinema ryan gosling steve carell friday december 2 2011 100 hot men and a dame 88 cam gigandet 88 cam gigandet occupation actor nationality american age 29 best known for terrorizing benjamin mckenzie on the o c and getting naked with a box of cookies alongside cher and floptina in burlesque and the hot men train keeps on rolling with the help of my friend mike follow him on twitter or read his blog as we discuss the first o c alum on the list dame james when did you first encounter cam and if it wasn t love at first sight when did you fall in love with him mike the first time i saw cam is probably the same for everyone when he appeared on the o c as kevin volchok to fulfill the marissa s new dark and broody boyfriend role because ryan was too busy sleeping with his adoptive mother s sister or whoever he was p...
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