Meta tags:
Headings (most frequently used words):
the, another, from, and, to, my, scar, smiles, at, me, don, always, smile, back, menu, day, circle, view, here, shadow, self, loses, all, around, us, dates, goals, old, stomping, grounds, perceptions, home, again, new, chapter, love, rocks, rescue, month, out, three, betas, each, one, different, first, bit, better, today, aftermath, minute, intervals, results, cycle, public, holidays, delays, support, in, surprising, places, what, do, when, waiting, number, game, pronouns, post, navigation, archives,
Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (262), and (250), that (128), have (100), for (92), this (82), was (81), but (72), with (66), just (60), you (45), back (39), know (36), about (35), how (35), can (33), what (33), are (33), more (32), like (31), day (31), not (31), way (30), when (30), from (29), days (28), much (28), don (27), 2014 (27), all (27), love (26), out (26), years (26), now (25), there (25), who (25), many (24), her (24), one (23), been (23), cycle (22), finding (21), circlesbecomeme (21), people (20), has (20), than (20), would (20), she (20), posted (19), then (19), life (19), friend (19), things (19), had (18), myself (18), friends (17), well (17), get (16), other (16), also (16), even (16), another (16), they (16), still (16), better (16), our (16), comment (15), time (15), may (15), two (15), some (15), will (15), few (15), going (15), feel (15), being (15), home (14), new (14), hard (14), 2008 (14), really (14), here (14), italy (13), community (13), beta (13), want (13), right (13), work (13), year (13), never (13), said (13), waiting (13), over (13), make (13), different (13), down (13), where (12), 2012 (12), 2009 (12), without (12), moment (12), went (12), week (12), again (12), little (12), too (12), anything (12), only (12), after (12), because (12), rock (12), always (11), kids (11), june (11), say (11), each (11), think (11), them (11), something (11), made (11), first (11), last (11), its (11), rocks (11), their (10), yes (10), come (10), bit (10), weeks (10), which (10), him (10), ago (10), his (10), started (9), could (9), great (9), today (9), next (9), house (9), tagged (9), help (9), through (9), any (9), into (9), world (9), comments (8), smile (8), good (8), negative (8), joy (8), april (8), 2010 (8), person (8), before (8), feeling (8), these (8), felt (8), done (8), own (8), exactly (8), were (8), enough (8), got (8), very (8), look (8), part (8), money (8), thank (8), months (8), thing (8), doing (8), living (8), blog (7), try (7), spain (7), family (7), january (7), july (7), august (7), november (7), december (7), wait (7), yet (7), husband (7), past (7), trying (7), did (7), leave (7), happen (7), ever (7), talking (7), didn (7), see (7), business (7), country (7), someone (7), others (7), truth (7), small (7), gave (7), website (6), scar (6), words (6), old (6), grief (6), donor (6), bad (6), march (6), september (6), october (6), 2013 (6), starting (6), off (6), story (6), told (6), saying (6), embryos (6), dear (6), away (6), move (6), getting (6), public (6), month (6), journey (6), tomorrow (6), nearly (6), lost (6), around (6), isn (6), live (6), minutes (6), ways (6), long (6), grieving (6), helping (6), having (6), put (6), wordpress (5), view (5), sign (5), smiles (5), side (5), support (5), show (5), piano (5), hrt (5), sleep (5), egg (5), making (5), anxiety (5), february (5), 2011 (5), mind (5), mostly (5), ahead (5), willing (5), keep (5), asked (5), real (5), remember (5), working (5), let (5), while (5), mention (5), wanted (5), your (5), lot (5), talk (5), since (5), maybe (5), pass (5), process (5), wasn (5), able (5), happened (5), find (5), those (5), wouldn (5), somehow (5), parents (5), giving (5), call (5), women (5), knows (5), literally (5), ask (5), private (5), com (4), already (4), account (4), photos (4), tell (4), rowing (4), project (4), times (4), loss (4), health (4), eggs (4), 2015 (4), heart (4), twins (4), adult (4), mom (4), course (4), transfer (4), okay (4), glad (4), doesn (4), number (4), chance (4), least (4), tried (4), deeply (4), should (4), results (4), called (4), clare (4), space (4), rather (4), international (4), sitting (4), most (4), night (4), thought (4), feels (4), start (4), adoption (4), need (4), usa (4), give (4), doubt (4), possible (4), clinic (4), hours (4), take (4), hearts (4), harder (4), place (4), social (4), town (4), stand (4), amazing (4), normal (4), handed (4), daughters (4), school (4), pay (4), sure (4), second (4), zealand (4), round (4), sense (4), cycles (4), might (4), job (4), worked (4), meds (4), write (3), worry (3), sad (3), questions (3), blogging (3), posts (3), wish (3), stay (3), taken (3), mother (3), keeps (3), pouring (3), accept (3), coming (3), slideshow (3), requires (3), javascript (3), numbers (3), towards (3), vacation (3), hurt (3), friday (3), future (3), change (3), instead (3), soon (3), bed (3), less (3), means (3), helped (3), moved (3), option (3), once (3), loved (3), blah (3), action (3), closed (3), places (3), happy (3), mood (3), finally (3), sorry (3), everything (3), nothing (3), during (3), save (3), beach (3), else (3), top (3), single (3), career (3), america (3), left (3), present (3), strong (3), truly (3), face (3), couldn (3), either (3), rare (3), found (3), talked (3), every (3), met (3), stop (3), airport (3), seeing (3), special (3), wonderful (3), several (3), stayed (3), grew (3), though (3), failed (3), asks (3), child (3), chapter (3), forward (3), donate (3), children (3), contact (3), took (3), came (3), says (3), playing (3), expat (3), ideas (3), counting (3), path (3), awful (3), practice (3), middle (3), sort (3), describe (3), best (3), site (2), bar (2), manage (2), content (2), log (2), subscribed (2), subscribe (2), privacy (2), updates (2), silence (2), reflecting (2), hope (2), holidays (2), healing (2), gratitude (2), goals (2), flowers (2), encouragement (2), dreams (2), older (2), post (2), whether (2), touch (2), belly (2), please (2), hold (2), caseload (2), watched (2), weather (2), lots (2), families (2), breath (2), given (2), choice (2), putting (2), full (2), four (2), personally (2), between (2), levels (2), true (2), game (2), financial (2), multiple (2), against (2), tears (2), walking (2), mean (2), basically (2), probably (2), hiding (2), passively (2), movies (2), pack (2), useful (2), aren (2), awhile (2), phd (2), limbo (2), along (2), surrounded (2), use (2), handle (2), paying (2), circle (2), earlier (2), evening (2), sadly (2), everyone (2), fretting (2), pregnant (2), physically (2), general (2), calmer (2), mess (2), thinking (2), packed (2), ready (2), corner (2), passed (2), wrote (2), worthy (2), exhausted (2), wants (2), clock (2), heaven (2), sit (2), wave (2), head (2), building (2), core (2), parent (2), odds (2), lower (2), comes (2), almost (2), looks (2), stress (2), hurts (2), easier (2), plan (2), etc (2), ice (2), three (2), haven (2), cried (2), needed (2), holds (2), brought (2), added (2), intense (2), options (2), plus (2), decade (2), terms (2), lucky (2), loses (2), moving (2), honest (2), held (2), spent (2), soul (2), later (2), under (2), crying (2), lose (2), short (2), arrived (2), catching (2), period (2), endure (2), becoming (2), far (2), watching (2), stories (2), afraid (2), power (2), apart (2), anyone (2), touched (2), makes (2), son (2), nurse (2), kid (2), whatever (2), totally (2), died (2), both (2), dealing (2), goodness (2), incredibly (2), stuck (2), current (2), raw (2), open (2), lives (2), none (2), experience (2), hugged (2), price (2), funk (2), reason (2), meaningful (2), stressed (2), hide (2), dressing (2), rooms (2), parking (2), train (2), door (2), local (2), restaurant (2), skating (2), chalk (2), bubbles (2), base (2), normally (2), simply (2), lovely (2), couple (2), situations (2), moments (2), particularly (2), shared (2), near (2), voice (2), often (2), gone (2), certain (2), count (2), sometimes (2), risk (2), girls (2), realized (2), goodbye (2), hour (2), looking (2), donation (2), street (2), donated (2), common (2), fill (2), picked (2), until (2), perfect (2), girl (2), clearly (2), communicate (2), europe (2), peace (2), huge (2), spend (2), entire (2), knew (2), played (2), play (2), neighbour (2), guest (2), meant (2), flat (2), upstairs (2), dinner (2), same (2), push (2), taking (2), build (2), livelihood (2), nice (2), regret (2), realizing (2), dad (2), used (2), why (2), wine (2), opted (2), savings (2), delightful (2), late (2), smooth (2), dates (2), fertility (2), list (2), reality (2), clients (2), definitely (2), perhaps (2), visit (2), wall (2), violence (2), idea (2), ones (2), tonight (2), cab (2), knowing (2), iraq (2), hear (2), decisions (2), empty (2), blood (2), slow (2), careers (2), talent (2), seem (2), daring (2), landed (2), dark (2), invisible (2), closet (2), update (2), schedule (2), weight (2), journal (2), dream (2), filled (2), anti (2), hormones (2), estrogen (2), completely (2), medication (2), drug (2), mental (2), lifted (2), doctor (2), draw (2), legs (2), hands (2), design, name, email, loading, collapse, subscriptions, reader, report, create, free, thesis, shifting, perspectives, sharing, resolutions, remembering, relatives, sake, beginnings, music, marking, illness, dreaming, dogs, decision, contrasts, color, clinics, celebrations, bcp, age, dec, 2026, archives, navigation, english, worrying, preference, mark, mixed, feelings, voi, vostras, vostros, welcome, relax, nervous, works, disability, services, nicu, stays, worse, early, childhood, histories, include, lines, surviving, triplet, catch, profoundness, associate, key, consider, nephews, envy, connection, twin, brother, dearly, eset, risks, joys, entail, frozen, assuming, possibility, biologist, spanish, transfering, spending, returning, squeezing, standard, demands, percentages, probabilities, emotional, costs, trade, offs, balancing, futures, fronts, split, summed, rolled, dice, pronouns, closest, hopes, scared, ended, exercise, prove, fight, agreed, verbally, apologized, stealing, fuming, quickly, denying, promise, shaken, dramatic, execution, obviously, paycheck, agency, goal, dramatically, changing, thursday, holiday, guilty, wasted, minor, setbacks, hitting, paralyzing, watch, kill, turns, boxes, confidently, estimated, nope, must, repacked, supported, mentioning, liked, named, blogger, smiling, password, protecting, created, updated, theme, ability, photo, header, elaborated, choose, following, ranchy, conversation, sound, digress, passwords, internet, breech, sparked, coordinate, accounts, anyway, surprising, thanks, reading, pms, cramps, bloating, pain, fret, strange, approach, sloppy, swinging, super, checking, lab, labor, proud, eve, piece, bloody, trademark, office, guess, zen, freak, packing, debris, objects, delays, image, yup, bored, meets, won, bare, morning, arriving, asleep, woken, hits, minute, intervals, losing, failure, crushed, loud, word, repeat, cruel, blow, fulfil, non, asking, require, states, flow, scares, stats, suppose, highest, ivf, rounds, wrong, researched, proactive, logically, juggle, pregnancy, position, negatives, exciting, travel, managed, aftermath, restarting, laundry, teaching, happening, sun, shining, keepsakes, cry, oregon, carrying, monday, darker, duration, swifter, exchanged, luxury, 20s, board, tick, furiously, grateful, squeezed, 30s, happily, salt, genes, step, term, raise, null, void, reach, hubris, honestly, coping, anticipating, retreated, throwing, beat, demons, popped, sucked, white, water, gasping, blinking, light, hit, collapsing, ground, straight, curled, sobbed, chapters, big, phase, firmly, established, immigrating, finishing, touches, goes, distance, shipped, belongings, flew, england, 2nd, whirlwind, underplayed, betas, reflection, awe, strength, circumstance, heartache, pierced, seen, close, angles, points, believe, enormous, faces, member, flinching, fix, share, porch, listen, scare, walk, similar, roads, longer, terrify, sweeps, certainly, contributed, dropping, balls, realization, currently, realize, witnesses, infertility, grieved, together, hardly, learned, blend, sooth, silently, difference, wide, easter, hunt, grocery, stores, doorsteps, mailboxes, gravestone, markers, icu, nurses, smallest, glimmer, appeared, mouth, classmates, attaching, fabric, act, passing, receive, answered, modelled, verb, supporting, uncomfortable, meeting, classes, variety, received, embraced, tolerated, reluctance, staff, crosses, religion, fellow, schoolmate, sick, aneurysm, terrified, confused, sudden, sized, hole, actively, taught, gap, brothers, indeed, grieve, fresh, air, accidentally, lies, unbelievably, nor, publicly, intensity, cracking, surface, posturing, emptiness, throws, elementary, stopped, waterfalls, crashing, technically, transcript, fundraiser, puppy, reasons, thrown, worries, shopping, eat, bearable, sneak, upset, fits, room, manages, park, benches, playground, swings, fitting, meters, cashier, man, wheelchair, patiently, waited, gracious, solution, exit, stops, rough, tip, shrine, waterfall, dozen, lovingly, arranged, attempted, suicide, spins, jumps, graceful, skate, lunch, bring, pot, tea, kind, friendly, parade, gleefully, skipped, rope, drew, streets, blew, galore, bike, helmet, bucket, fully, tricky, bailed, activity, magically, dynamics, shift, footing, occur, presence, shy, tentative, embarrassed, recently, movement, quieter, engagement, decreasing, retreating, aware, dang, rawness, weighs, curtail, avoiding, barely, depending, talks, follow, underestimate, honouring, spreading, benefit, check, drenched, link, separate, control, towns, gossip, controlling, powerful, rescue, chances, window, seat, nowhere, trip, visiting, successfully, sight, behind, scenes, logical, needs, plane, woman, event, team, blessed, showered, fold, aunt, emergency, babysitter, confidant, including, young, stuffed, animal, condition, charge, seriously, loves, gifts, magnitude, recover, financially, wishful, treatments, respects, strides, inability, conceive, layover, sfo, chatting, briefly, topic, donors, repeated, lean, mentor, regarding, race, simple, repeating, table, scrabble, flight, transported, send, reverse, personal, doubts, saw, mel, stirrup, queens, included, swelled, speed, exchange, courage, rest, oldest, science, fair, read, younger, grand, suspect, modelling, practising, drat, bother, occasionally, swears, reasonably, nowadays, half, immediately, finish, offensive, behaviours, responded, fake, actually, worried, infecting, bringing, concerned, inviting, high, spirits, cooking, randomly, positive, drag, dancing, drink, slice, cake, brave, join, neighbours, perceptions, trick, mindful, killing, learn, apply, skills, bunch, tests, weren, track, professional, sustain, hopefully, bigger, hearing, property, ladder, healthy, state, obvious, cards, destining, bursts, deprived, drained, spark, compliments, handy, salty, gods, mothering, born, dance, scene, housing, market, tax, advisers, economies, visa, drams, chat, lately, invest, spot, sincere, absolutely, pity, playdate, engineering, tech, embryologists, various, repetitive, procedures, dove, skill, embryologist, changes, outcomes, cars, mortgages, discuss, regardless, signed, anonymous, stuff, study, abroad, 100, mum, type, playdates, insights, inventing, fly, tearful, stomping, grounds, famous, alone, bus, card, ran, third, baby, maths, polishing, reviewing, calls, invested, venture, joked, swing, knocked, sent, gorgeous, underneath, american, culture, deal, clue, cope, existence, shootings, summer, wars, backs, chooses, ignore, college, hazing, sports, uneasy, walked, frustrated, kinder, sat, stunned, exile, illusions, looked, youth, fit, tastes, dare, car, ride, overwhelmed, palatable, 2003, replied, repeats, himself, quietly, tone, suggests, wonders, ignorant, quite, complete, stranger, profoundly, actions, treated, film, sideways, rain, decided, advantage, road, frequent, glances, paths, largest, looming, coast, wander, easy, forced, pushed, meaning, final, providing, bought, whose, pet, promised, fledging, calling, chunk, retirement, buy, expenses, derail, die, implode, acquire, disabilities, honing, suddenly, become, weld, woke, outside, parenting, effort, leads, gosh, broke, hoping, momentum, memories, text, depressed, thriving, skypes, feet, nod, assume, quiet, shadow, self, continued, craft, easily, forever, point, emailing, address, awash, complicated, emotions, lined, crazy, constant, verged, terror, conducive, except, creating, layer, protective, padding, drinking, loving, lack, hand, smoke, missing, published, article, premier, academic, field, readers, due, plot, line, consistently, page, turner, arc, odd, access, sea, skylights, bathtub, soak, nights, cold, central, heating, luxurious, camping, heaters, negotiated, lets, meet, range, virtually, paperwork, balance, running, broken, highlights, overdue, leaps, leap, benefits, drama, progesterone, yeah, slight, edge, excited, rolls, energy, healthier, bounce, extra, via, patch, pills, pill, depressive, wickedly, low, labido, colour, speaking, drugs, mentioned, adverse, avoided, such, devotion, plagued, wee, remembered, forgotten, proof, sliding, walls, hysterically, blacking, emotionally, leaning, hysterical, depressents, whoa, worst, miss, front, square, question, badly, everyday, standing, collecting, charity, shed, waking, hadn, vaginal, scans, countries, hormone, prescriptions, cities, flown, globe, hoped, further, 4th, meditation, erg, club, stroke, stork, body, timeline, favorite, blogs, skip, menu,
Text of the page (random words):
cle failed it will be a year before i can try again it has been 6 7 years depending on how i count that i have been walking this journey no one talks to me about it no one asks out right and even when i mention it no one really asks any follow up questions or comments i totally underestimate how hard this sometimes is for me i just know too many people dealing with so much more i am so lucky but dang it still hurts some days and you know what else even though the rawness is gone this experience still weighs me down and i curtail my life in certain ways i just find myself avoiding so many things my voice is getting quieter my engagement with the community is decreasing i am just retreating in ways i am often not aware of i am particularly shy and tentative and a bit embarrassed about doing the love rock thing but this is my truth that i shared recently with my friend who started this project movement near where i grew up it has been a lovely couple days of love rocks for me there have been several tricky social situations for me that normally i would have bailed on but the love rock making hiding and giving has been giving me a meaningful activity that magically keeps me in social places long enough for the dynamics to shift and for me to find my footing again so many special moments have happened this week because i stayed long enough for them to occur in my presence i have done things that normally would be too raw to be fully present in or even to simply show up for this soon after a negative beta i went to a kid friendly parade where kids gleefully skipped rope drew on the streets with chalk and blew bubbles galore i hide a rock in a bike helmet in a bucket of chalk and at the base of a stop sign i went to lunch with my mom at a restaurant where they just loved her they really know her and always bring her a special pot of tea on the house i gave them the rock in person and said thank you for being so kind and wonderful to my mom while ice skating i handed one to a women about 10 years older than me who started skating only 2 years ago she is now doing spins and jumps and is so so graceful i said that i wanted to give her a rock because she makes me smile with joy seeing her skate and getting to see her get better and better i said she could pass it on she said but what if i want to keep it sure i gave one to a friend who attempted suicide not too long ago and told her i love her and we need her and to always call any time i never leave a tip any more without a rock on top a local restaurant has a shrine waterfall by the door and there are now a dozen of lovingly arranged love rocks a man in a wheelchair got stuck on the train for 15 minutes because the door wouldn t open he patiently waited for help and then was gracious when the only solution was to go to the next stop where he could exit on the left instead of the right it was a train full of stressed people only a few stops from the airport as he was getting off i gave him a rock and said it is something people in my community are doing when someone looks like they are having a rough day or moment i have put them on parking meters and handed them to the cashier when paying for parking they are in waiting rooms park benches playground swings and so so many in dressing fitting rooms but mostly they are giving me a reason to show up and live i don t mind going shopping now it is meaningful enough if i leave a rock i don t get so stressed when going out to eat the small talk is bearable if i can sneak off and hide another rock i don t get upset when nothing fits in the dressing room as i look at my belly that somehow always manages to look 3 months pregnant i just leave a rock this slideshow requires javascript and even if the rocks are found and thrown away that is a small price to pay if it is getting me out of the house out of my funk and out of my own little world of worries posted in finding my way leave a comment may 29 2014 by circlesbecomeme a month out a few days ago i met up with a friend who is in the throws of grief she has been blogging about the experience of living after her two elementary school daughters went to heaven when i stopped by she hugged me like i ve never been hugged before we talked like waterfalls of truth crashing into each other technically the transcript was of catching up so you have left italy oh so you are doing a fundraiser oh so how is your puppy how s work mother s day was so hard yes me to for different reasons but every single moment was this intense raw truth our hearts were both open and the intensity of our lives was right there cracking through the surface there was none of the posturing and emptiness of small talk she said something that stuck with me clare a friend just told me that i am grieving publicly and that doing so in the current world is a rare rare thing it is indeed i get privacy and we all grieve in our own way but i think it somehow is a good thing like fresh air to have someone saying to their community this is my truth this is what i am going through this is how you help and how you make it accidentally harder here is where the joy and goodness lies in my unbelievably hard days i am not strong nor amazing i am just finding my way through some incredibly hard days sit with me she is making some people uncomfortable she is meeting with her daughters classes there is some um variety in how well this is being received from totally embraced to tolerated with great reluctance some school staff feels like it crosses into religion in school but i remember when a fellow schoolmate went home sick and died of an aneurysm we were both terrified that it was going to happen to us and rather confused about how to process this sudden person sized hole in our community no one really told us about dealing with loss as a process no one talked about how there are things you can actively do and other things you have to just passively let happen no one taught us how to support the others who felt that gap more deeply like her brothers my friend is having her daughters friends and classmates make love rocks by attaching fabric hearts to rocks and the giving them to people as an act of love and passing on rocks you receive to others oh how i wish when i was a kid that someone would have answered our questions and modelled different ways of grieving and whatever the verb is for supporting people who are grieving my home town is like a community wide easter egg hunt now love rocks are being found in grocery stores on doorsteps in mailboxes on gravestone markers and being handed to each other face to face i asked a dear friend what her son in the icu wanted he wanted rocks to pass out to the nurses he wasn t yet well enough to smile for his parents but the smallest glimmer appeared at the corner of his mouth when he handed over a rock to his nurse but i also had another realization my friend was saying how rare grieving in public currently is but i realize for the past 8 years i have been grieving and witnesses and trying to support people in this little community of people touched by infertility we have grieved together this is our normal many of us are hardly public about it in real life but i feel like through your words i have learned so much about this process how the months blend into years how words can sooth how silently being present makes a difference how we all get through this somehow because of all of your stories i am no longer afraid of the grief it doesn t have the power to terrify me yes it sweeps me under some days it made me apart for some months it probably has made me physically at times and certainly contributed to me dropping a few balls at work and at home i wouldn t wish it on anyone but i am not afraid of it either no doubt this journey has pierced me to the core but i know this thing called grief so much better from having seen it up close and far away from so many angles and through so many view points so thank you i truly believe our little community here has also helped me to be able to stand in the face of enormous grief in others and see the worry on the faces and in the hearts of friends and community member without flinching without trying to fix it without trying to make it go away i couldn t have done that 10 years ago but after watching everyone here share our stories for so many years i can stand on my friends porch and listen to anything she wants to say her truth can not scare me because i know she and i and so many of my friends will walk similar roads we will hurt but we will be okay we are not strong or amazing or worthy of i just don t know how you do it i could never endure that we were those things before and after and of course during for me i find the awe and strength when i see people stand up and being present for each other when they are being asked by circumstance to endure heartache thank you for helping me becoming able to do that and thank you all for helping me on this journey these past 7 years posted in finding my way tagged gratitude grief joy reflection 3 comments may 24 2014 by circlesbecomeme three betas each one different from the first its been a whirlwind month i think i have underplayed in my real life how much has happened in only a month negative beta on the 2nd packed up my house flew to england shipped all my belongings to nz left italy started a long distance period with my husband only 4 months to go putting finishing touches on my business website before it goes live arrived in america for a few weeks catching up with friends and family before immigrating back to nz so in short closed a lot of chapters in my life and started a big limbo phase before i have a home and career of my own firmly established again i also thought i was going to lose my mind that first week of may that negative hit me harder than any of the others i just remember collapsing to the ground and crying for about 2 days straight all my people were out of town i just curled up and sobbed not for a few hours but for a few days and then i went still so still and then a week later i popped out like a person sucked under the white water gasping for breath blinking at the light and mostly that was that hubris i know but honestly i think i have been coping and grieving and anticipating this for so many months okay let s be honest years the process feels different now the first negative back in 2008 held me down for nearly 2 years i retreated from social life for at least a year i spent 2 years throwing my heart and soul into rowing to try to beat back my demons but this time it was different then it was so many loses on top of each other that i would never be able to pass on my genes that this cycle didn t work there was no next step that my long term plan of moving to nz as a place to have and raise kids was null and void and that there was no future options with in our reach it wasn t a single beta it was the only beta it is different now i know i can happily live without kids the salt is still there but i know i can do it i know i have options at least for a few years money can be exchanged for another chance plus there are 2 embryos waiting for me i have had the luxury of starting my if journey in my 20s i have had more time to process and take all this on board the clock is only now starting to tick more furiously for me i had the better part of a decade to come to terms with all of this i am not going to say i was exactly lucky but i am grateful that this journey wasn t all squeezed into my 30s so while this last beta was darker harder and more intense than any of the others the duration was much swifter not that i didn t cry a bit when i brought my two rocks back from spain home to oregon but they were from my beach day the day after the transfer i have been carrying them with me through the 2 week wait then i added the hearts and monday i will pass them on to someone else this slideshow requires javascript i don t need keepsakes i just needed to take a moment to say yes we tried thank you we will still wait to see what our future holds posted in finding my way 1 comment may 7 2014 by circlesbecomeme a bit better today i haven t cried yet today laundry and teaching is happening i have less than 2 weeks in italy the sun is shining and in general things are better posted in finding my way tagged day by day restarting 1 comment may 4 2014 by circlesbecomeme aftermath i managed to sleep three times each time for 3 hours in so many ways i am in a much better position that i was the other two negatives i have an exciting plan ahead of me travel international move back to a country i love starting a new business etc and i know i have 2 embryos on ice that i can come back for in spain next year when i save up money logically it will be easier not to juggle a pregnancy during the first year of business but my heart has never hurt as bad as this time it scares me how bad it hurts i know stats don t work this way but donor eggs are suppose to have the highest odds possible for ivf we have done 3 rounds the last with 2 embryos i just feel like maybe there is something wrong with me that i should have researched the clinic better that i should have been more proactive about something i just went with the flow to make my stress levels lower and now i doubt that it just feels so cruel how with this one blow i want it even more but also feel that this is yet another sign that i have to start building a life that at its core can be good enough so fulfil me as a non parent my friends back home keep asking what about adoption and i just don t know how to tell them that the odds are even lower for me when it comes to that we don t have the money and i almost feel like i would need to move back to the usa to make that work and that would require me to give up starting up my own business right now the states just looks too hard to do what i want to do the word never just is on repeat in my head when will i accept that this is never going to happen i can t help it its been there since i was 19 but never as loud as this posted in finding my way tagged crushed dreams failure losing hope 1 comment may 3 2014 by circlesbecomeme 5 minute intervals i feel asleep and it was heaven but the i was woken up at 3 and i just sit as wave after wave hits me i look at the clock now and then another 5 minutes passed part of me just wants this night to be over part of me just can t bare the thought of morning arriving i am so bored but nothing meets the bar for being worthy enough to do and as exhausted as i am i know sleep won t come yup another 5 minutes passed as i wrote this posted in finding my way 1 comment results cycle 3 negative may 3 2014 by circlesbecomeme image 3 comments may 1 2014 by circlesbecomeme public holidays delays my little happy corner where there is no packing debris and only happy objects so i was sitting here feeling a bit proud that i made it to the eve of the beta in one piece i have packed mos...
|
