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Text of the page (random words):
re my whole body wants to like him but i still feel almost nothing i keep waiting for me to get attached and it keeps not happening 3 he eats every meal on placemats he has three eyebrow hairs that stick straight up he is very endearing he walks like a cowboy he tells me from all the lunges he did in his teens he sprays his vents for spiders every weekend and he vacuums with his headphones on he doesn t eat gluten or butter or sugar really he won t wear sweatpants in public he doesn t know what to do with his hair he told me he missed my leg hair when i shaved he has an earthing blanket he leaves on his bed the first time i heard him say that i heard birthing blanket and got very confused he sleeps with ear plugs and a mask on elevated pillows the old southern woman in me wants to tell him oh bless your heart 4 we bonded over batman funny enough we both have the animated series in a collector edition boxes he hasn t told me he loves me but he stares at me when i m not watching he s trying to get better at dirty talk in a way that makes you smile but not laugh i told him he s the nicest boyfriend i ve ever had and he said that s kind of sad 5 he watched period dramas with me in all their costumes and follows the plots and yells at the characters no willoughby what are you doing he tells the screen from next to me on the couch and he doesn t complain about it because i watch wrestling with him on wednesday nights and can now tell you the storyline of hangman adam page 6 he didn t touch me for three dates when i only went out with him for sex oh my god i wanted sex i finally texted him asking have you been tested recently trying to get things moving you know and he sent a text back that said i really like you i want to do this right we should talk about the relationship before we get into all that 7 he had to go to the hospital at the same time i had to go to a wedding and i took care of him on his couch even though the nurse gave us both covid and he looked and looked at me saying no one ever treats me like this when i m sick his mother i overheard on speaker phone told him he should stop calling 911 and that nothing too serious was wrong with him and what was he thinking spending all that money then i understood why me saying it ll be okay got me the wobbly wibbly eyes 8 there are songs i sing in my head when we have sex first it was that slow hands like sweat dripping down my dirty laundry then it was shakira shakira but just the guy s voice saying the name not the rest of the song and now it s been this old song about needing to let go of past flings so you can love the person in front of you he s a good man he s a good man i keep telling myself to just let go i have to let go 9 and he is he s such a good man read more about mental health when i told him all my problems sends me cat pictures when he knows i m having a bad day makes me food even though he can t afford a ton of meat right now winks at me when he smiles and blinks let me use his office when i had a paper deadline told me it s his job when i say thank you 10 it s not supposed to go this well right i m not used to people respecting my boundaries i m so suspicious of how well it s going i told my therapist annoyingly well it s very odd to me here s this support system and it s like working is this what happens to normal people like we get in fights and then he thinks about it and we come to an understanding and then he doesn t do it again this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged boyfriend love new poems poetry ten poems writing on february 23 2022 by some bad plankton ten poems on baking with the cake bible leave a reply love letters to rose levy beranbaum 1 no one understands me like you do will i mix this with a hand mixer instead of a stand mixer you ve thought of that you ve given me adjusted mixing times for that it s because you love me you are the richard simmons of baking you anticipate when i will be tired when i will skip a direction or forget to do something and you gently tell me to just keep going you can do it look i gave you extra information for why you shouldn t shortcut 2 mix the sugar with the flour not cream the butter and sugar together first i am not sure this will work but my cake turned out perfectly forgive me for doubting you you knew all along of course it would work 3 you give me ounces for measuring and cups for conversation because you know somedays i will want to be precise and measure in the quickest way the easiest way and sometimes i won t trust myself to know how to measure a cup i want external proof i have enough flour and you provide both just for me in that little table before the steps 4 but that sound so complicated and involved my mother says i could never do all that work you don t understand mom the recipes they are simple and straightforward she s just thought of everything you might do in a poor kitchen at home by yourself with no one else around from substituting the table salt for kosher to microwaving the butter because it didn t soften and she has contingency plans for it you can t find your loaf pan because you re roommate used it to make meatloaf and it s been sitting on her refrigerator shelf since the dawn of creation she s got you use a springform instead here s how you change the baking time 5 only for you rose would i grease my cake pan then cut parchment paper out to fit then grease that paper and flour that paper but you ve never steered me wrong so here i am in my kitchen listening to my jazz station with my boyfriend on the couch in the other room cutting out pencil traced parchment paper because i trust you 6 i have a secret for you i can t afford your book i got it from the library but i had to give it back and now i use a pirated pdf copy i downloaded and ran through text recognition so i can ctrl f for things i crave like white cake frosting or ganache but when i search my computer for other words so often your book comes up and it s a nice reminder that i could give up school and become a house wife and just bake all your lovely cakes 7 it s too much power to know i could make something this good anytime i wanted and could afford to buy the good butter at the store why should i do anything else when i could just make happy cakes and share happy cakes and eat happy cakes 8 my friend came this morning to pick up extra cake from my party yesterday i said to him do not text me if you do not like the cake i know the cake is good if you do not like it you are wrong rose you give me this confidence 9 i gave another friend cake in a tupperware he said to me the person in my next meeting after yours had to watch me lick the frosting off the lid that s how good it was these are my people 10 i don t know how to say you re name out loud i ve never watched any of your videos i only know that your recipes are perfect and the batter tastes as good as the final product and i love you this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged baking new poems poetry rose levy beranbaum ten poems the cake bible writing on february 22 2022 by some bad plankton eleven poems in october leave a reply i had a hard time getting these out have mercy 1 she laughs louder when she s watching friends with you on the couch her teeth stained wine red one of the glasses that means something sentimental to her in her hands thumb out under the bowl i m vaguely suspicious of people who use things every day that are precious to them all sixteen of these mugs are important to you there s something there under the alcohol and the ado annie squeal that makes me squint something a little frantic something a little covering up something suspicious when you don t get my lube jokes a craving for what is that fulfillment recognition love stability she s searching for something over there in that laugh of hers one of those people who haven t been told not to laugh all the time at the end of every sentence even when you re feeling awkward like one of those men who s never been told he s not interesting something scary in the too wide smile that foreigners think of as stereotypical american girl something just a little bit whitewashed that doesn t come off with the makeup remover something 2 smoke alarms only go off when you ve got a migraine and you re already sensitive to noise the battery is only wired in when you re trying for the first time to figure out how it works the bleeping is only at its loudest when you re in the middle of something else the burner only smokes when it knows you ve got somewhere better to be 3 i cannot read the articles you sent me i have stared at the same first sentence for ten minutes now i ve checked my phone twice i have read at this word before nothing is getting through the writing is too bad my anxiety too high i cannot read this wonderful thing you sent me you ve sent me to die 4 i lost two plants this week my pilea mollis and one of my tradescantias it was like a colony collapse i don t know what happened i watch in slow pitiless dread as the leaves turned brown and fell i looked on as i saw the clump of leaves on the ground after it got bumped by the brita filtered water pitcher i bought two new plants a dark green aloe from a lady who said i d know her front yard by the ducks in the fence and from a blonde no nonsense woman who handed me two begonia cuttings for a 3 venmo i don t know why i replaced them so quickly i don t know why i think i ll be able to take care of these guys any better but i bought new plants i don t have room for to plant in dirt i don t have the energy to unbag in pots i can t afford to buy in light that s dying this time of year in a room that s too cold and too dry by a caretaker who s barely hanging on that s me thinking i can keep things alive 5 i ve had a thought new to me if people who do their best don t always succeed that means there s hope for me because the opposite is true people who don t work as hard as they can have the possibility of success that s me who s losing two days a week to depression hope dammit you ve given me hope i could stumble along perfectly fine forever 6 you do not talk to women about their food habits i don t know how you don t know this in the same way you don t ask anyone why they don t drink 7 i ve taken up looking cute since you told me i dress suggestively and goddamn if the fuckers didn t notice god bless them folks who praise you for matching your socks and necklace that took so long to work out you damn well better recognize i read through like fifteen style blogs to find enough clothes i already owned to copy a look 8 i m not quite sure if it s fair but that s what you re getting now you don t get my personality anymore you get the work me which is all you should have seen in the first place you ve lost access to my personal information i can hear my therapist in the back of my head is this a reaction or a response have you thought about all the things your feeling and then decided on how you d like to act from there no knee jerk this response you jerk enjoy this blank façade wall everyone else gets and know that you could have had more all of me 9 fine okay what am i feeling stings it stings that somehow you passed me over without saying anything created confidences with my roommate which don t allow me to share took away my safe space and now my guard has to be up that hurt definitely makes me feel like i m not good enough that you chose someone else and made me guess purposely kept it from me shared your relationship info to my roommate and not me i don t like playing those kind of games i did once apologized and didn t play them again you took my home away from me then you told me what told me that i don t have enough self confidence no that wasn t it insecure yep you called me insecure when i asked for your opinion and i really don t think that s it i think it was plain spoken jealousy disappointment is hanging out there too i wanted something and i didn t get it shame yeah throw that in with the lot i can t believe i felt those things or acted on them and then had the gall to second guess myself about what i did wrong annoyance sadness and anger they can round it out all hanging out there together clipped on pieces of white paper hanging from wooden clothespins now i ve catalogued i guess i should decide how i want to respond 10 i don t know how i want to respond respond is the longer thinking one unless my dyslexia mixed up those terms in which case sorry stressy management therapist guy i m trying my best do i still want to joke with you do i still want to give you the benefits of advice and consolation things i didn t get play ball with you and your dirty innuendos do i want you to know you broke something do i want to hear your worries and frustrations be the kind of friends i thought we were i m not sure how i would like to react is to be invisible coast by and coast through and not have to deal with it and i think you might let me get away with that with the coasting by without talking about it you re gutless enough now that you ve got a serious enough girlfriend what s appropriate see when this has happened to me before my relationship with the guy was already understood but in this gray patch i think i would like to bring it up at some point maybe let him know that i think that was a little rude and that i m not sure i can trust him with personal information and then keep my distance i think that s what i d like i would like to not care or rather i would like to appear to not care be polite but keep my shields on high alert let nothing escape that can be used against me keep that vulnerable heart of mine a bit more protected and i d like to not change my mind not be petty but self contained whole and okay on my own not seeking but sustained 11 today all i ve got is fire fine body if this is the one emotion you re going to let through we ll go for it what battle do you want me to fight today should i yell at the dean s office some more maybe i ll finally get my internet fixed and i ll just keep reminding people that you have to tell people these things whatever these things are otherwise they wont know this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged elevent poems free verse new poems poetry writing on october 7 2021 by some bad plankton five poems for the morning leave a reply i feel like these are all terrible and i m sorry 1 i was in the middle of thinking big beasts of thought and you and your dog walked up so now i m thinking about you the big grand plans my mind makes for you at 7 am 2 i wonder about the man who took a photo of his wife for the back cover of the book i m reading why did he insist on putting his name on the photo credit how did he ask her to pose did she take a long time to get dressed is that how he sees her slightly stiff and turtle necked did he look at the photo and think it was good did he put it in context of someone else s world and think it was okay did he think well i think she...
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