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description= Wildbow discusses writing;
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ome was printed on the mat instead there were stencil images of roses and thorny stems as well as the initials r d r it fit somehow no consideration to the guests only self aggrandizement the door was unlocked i kicked off my boots and made my way past the front hallway and into the actual house tucking my shirt into my jeans as i went my lingering impressions of the house were soon banished only a house books lined shelves in nearly every room with an available wall some old with cracked spines some new recent bestsellers it was all sorted more like a library than a home clearly by some arrangement of age and alphabetized anachronistic that was a good word to describe it old and new a box of colorful cereal sat between the toaster and television in the kitchen across from a small table with a crimson lace edged tablecloth a litterbox with a toy not a dirty litterbox to look at it which struck me as odd i couldn t imagine my family had emptied it it didn t fit them i reached the end of the hall and i could hear voices from upstairs a crowd angry not shouting but saying hard words loaded words i sighed putting my hands in my pockets and made my way up photographs not a single family picture i noticed instead there were pictures of nature blue and green to contrast the dark lacquered cherry floorboards and furniture the burgundy curtains it made for a startling intensity but it was jarring overly saturated when i crested the top of the stairs i saw them one family divided into four factions all dressed in black jesus fuck paige said her eyes going wide she was the first to recognize me then again we d been close as cousins went the prodigal son returns uncle paul said that was the last coherent thing i made out before it devolved into a mess of bickering ten to one he needs the money for drugs if you want to talk about that sort of thing steph we could talk about ellie fuck you irene ellie practically spat the response at her aunt you don t know anything uneducated bitch hard words drawing lines in the sand striving to establish new ground rules to hold on to perceived advantages to garner new ones or strike at weak points for three years i had been gone all of this it had been going on when i left and it was continuing now it never stopped nine cousins spread into three camps uncle paul his ex wife and my aunt irene my uncle paul had a wealth of kids four by his first wife two by his second kathryn was old enough to have a child of her own a broad businesslike woman holding her child and looking as unmotherly as possible her husband beside her listening as she looked at me and murmured an explanation uncle paul s youngest by contrast was roxanne twelve six in all with paige and her twin brother peter in the middle those two would just be partway into college i was pretty sure paige looked like she wanted to approach me but doing so meant getting between uncle paul and aunt irene as they pointed fingers digging at each other i caught the words failure welfare mom and slut thrown out there by uncle paul in clear earshot of his fourteen and twelve year old kids aunt irene retaliated with something along the lines of at least i actually raised my children to be functioning members of society i couldn t make all of it out in the chaos with people talking over one another she had three kids but i only saw two molly was close to me in age and i d known her well once upon a time but i hardly recognized her now she looked physically ill her fingers twisting into one another in her lap barely noting my existence it seemed to be rubbing off on young christoff who was looking equally anxious both had brown hair but molly was paler than usual and the black dress she wore only added to the effect and finally the fourth faction my parents they approached and i saw that my mom was holding a baby swaddled in a blanket i wasn t good at judging the ages of babies but i d left three years ago i felt my heart skip a beat everything alright my father asked s alright i responded not taking my eyes off the baby you re not in trouble my mother asked no trouble i said i try to avoid trouble i wouldn t say that my dad said i glared at him nevermind i can t help but notice you got tattoos i looked down the shadows of my tattoos were visible through the sleeves of my dress shirt i pressed my sleeve down so it was flat against my arm making the tattoos clear watercolor tattoos by an artist i owe a lot to she offered to outline them another friend inked them i had set rules for myself to avoid getting caught up in this energy yet i was baiting my father i could see him squirm wanting to say something question was would he be willing to criticize the tattoos so soon after my homecoming what i asked i m glad you re safe he said with almost no affect you know i never harbored any ill will i know you didn t but that wasn t ever the problem was it i shrugged my hands in my pockets and looked at the baby who s this ivy my mother said she s one and a half hi ivy i said she responded by pressing her head against our mother s shoulder busy soaking it all in kiddo so you have some good stories to tell your therapist ten years down the line blake my dad said the word a warning without looking away from ivy i kept my voice calm the tone almost light so the vibe wouldn t upset her how hard did you look dad mom i got in touch with some of my old friends you know seeing what happened ben and heather the only ones you actually called said you stopped asking about me after a month you were almost an adult and the police weren t interested or helpful we called around trying to figure out where you were staying but nothing turned up i m not sure what we were supposed to do i smiled a little as ivy reached out for my offered hand her hand seized my index finger and i wiggled it shaking her hand besides why devote any more attention to your son when you could just start over have that beautiful baby girl you wanted right blake my father said raising his voice ivy recoiled at the sudden shout withdrawing her hand from my finger as her face screwed up tears imminent damn it it was too easy to lash out to retaliate to get sucked into this atmosphere sorry dad sorry mom my bad ivy i said my voice soft i didn t wait for a response i walked past them i stopped in my tracks as a door opened and callan stepped out of the nearest room aunt irene s eldest a man in white scrubs followed him ellie the man asked ellie was uncle paul s second oldest at twenty four give or take they were going down the list from oldest cousin to youngest i watched as ellie stood looking out of place and deeply uncomfortable in a dress that didn t suit her her eyes had thick eyeliner her lips had lipstick too red for her complexion she slouched badly with a narrow flat chested figure i couldn t help but think ferret or weasel she was visibly nervous but not in the same way molly was the door wasn t the hollow plywood door that you saw in most homes it was wooden through and through and it closed behind ellie with a heavy thud no kidding blake callan asked as i started to walk around him hey i responded you re wearing jeans paint covered jeans now i looked down at the jeans the lap striped with narrow streaks in various colors then met his eyes shrugging doesn t matter why the hell did you come he asked most of us thought you were dead or something got a call i said i glanced back at my parents the lawyer found me alive and well without much trouble i was wondering how the family was doing and figured this was maybe the last time we d all be together thought i d check in see how things were say what needed to be said if you think you re going to worm your way in if i was do you think i d be wearing these jeans i asked fuck off callan save your energy for attacking the others i m a non threat promise he scowled a little then summarily fucked off he took a seat on the deacon s bench beside molly his hand settled over hers and he leaned over to murmur in her ear i made my way out of the small crowd that had gathered around that heavy wooden door paige fell into step beside me as i walked to the end of the long hallway i stopped by the narrow window where the dim light of the setting sun filtered between the curtains and through the sheers jesus fuck she said for the second time hey paige she reached out arms extended for a hug and i flinched i stepped back and nearly knocked a picture off the wall behind me as i bumped into the wall she looked stricken her arms dropped to her side her hair was done up in a french braid and she looked as comfortable in her clothing as her older sister hadn t it was how she d always been prim proper preppy she was almost into her twenties now but i could see where she could easily be at home in the world of ties and pantsuits no i just i said i reflex i made myself reach out to hug her it was clumsy not natural in the slightest her head banged against my ear hard enough to be painful her arms squeezed me in the most careful hug reciprocation ever what happened she asked quiet as we parted i knew what she was asking but i answered a different question instead i didn t see any reason to stay so i left you ran away i always think of little kids leaving with a bundle on a stick when i think of running away i got fed up with all of this i went i shrugged it was getting to be habitual no more shrugs i told myself not a word not a call i mean i know we weren t close we d say hi if we met in the hallway at school hang out at events and stuff maybe you dated one of my friends i thought maybe you d say something let me know you were okay i didn t make it hard to find me i figured if anyone bothered enough to track me down i was wrong and i d go back or whatever but they didn t so i didn t did you go someplace or she trailed off as if afraid to broach another boundary as she d done with the sudden hug i was on the streets just for a bit it was bad awful but i m stubborn and i d set the rules for myself that i wouldn t go back unless someone asked me to eventually i met people and one of them was lucky and stubborn enough to get off the streets she offered me a hand and i took it i know how lucky i am i know how lucky i was that i found work i ve been doing well a few days ago i treated myself to my first big nonessential purchase i had to lean against the wall to angle myself so i could see it leaning against the inside of the fence i pointed then stepped out of the way a bike and the license and insurance it s about the shittiest smallest cheapest bike ever and it s used but that doesn t matter i m happy i m liking where i m at what are you up to university second year business hopefully law a bit down the road if i can finagle it she showed me her crossed fingers you still keep in touch with the people from high school shannon miracle mira she s finally going by a different name no longer a testament to why immigrants shouldn t let their kids choose their english names she still asks about you you know at least someone did i said smiling a little paige looked like she was going to punch me then stopped short remembering the issue with the hug i did you jackass fuck molly stood from the bench and approached us here we go paige said she smiled quirking her shoulders as she showed an uncharacteristic excitement us three back together after nine years ten i said paige was a year older than me molly a year younger we d always hung out when the family had gotten together that had been a long time molly didn t look happy though she hugged her arms against her body she still looked almost ill you okay i asked i want this to be over molly said she leaned against a doorframe a moment later she stood shifting position restless remember how we used to make up stories about this place paige said gruesome stories yeah molly said hugging herself tighter they weren t all made up that bit about great grandpa and great grandma being related i shivered a little thanks thank you for that reminder the duel where one of our ancestors murdered someone molly asked killed paige said i don t think it counts as murder if it s during a duel semantics molly said i love arguing semantics paige said smiling mischievously don t get me started the murmur of conversation further down the hallway dwindled silence and the sound of footsteps ellie making her exit paige and peter the man in scrubs said paige s eyebrows went up lumped in with the twin i noted paige forced a smile to her face i m a little terrified here goes wish me luck paige molly said paige hesitated don t i can t explain it it would sound dumb if i did but don t take the offer paige frowned paige the man in scrubs asked peter was standing next to him blond like paige the same height and build even the same general shape to his face but when uncle paul and aunt steph had split up each one had taken one of the twins peter was a little rougher edged at a glance somehow older and very much like ellie who had joined him in going to their mom he didn t look like he d ever worn anything remotely formal he and paige entered together molly and i were left alone at the end of the hallway the volume of conversation in the hallway gradually rose whispered words to allies barbs directed at enemies when i spoke my words were closer to a whisper a murmur hey moll what s going on don t know if you remember or heard but my mom moved us here podunk nowhereville so we d be closer another play a maneuver to try to get an advantage so callan me and chris we ve actually been here regularly usually when mom invited herself over i figured it was something like that i said i don t think callan really gets it but he moved a few years in chris and i have gone to school here there s a vibe too many things that don t fit complete strangers knowing who i am and not liking me right off the bat does that make sense sure it s about the property more than the property it s about old ladies glaring at me kids going after chris on the playground and it s too quick too mean too intense for me to feel like it makes any sense feeling like i m surrounded whenever i m outside like a third of the people around here have decided we re their mortal enemies i could remember my nights on the streets finding a place to set up camp out of anyone else s way even with the city lights it was hard not to feel like danger was lurking just out of sight waiting until my eyes were closed in quieter areas where the glow of the city hadn t been there where deeper shadows could have hidden anything the feeling had been all the more intense twice i d even been right both times it had been people the worst types of people i still had scars some were physical i could imagine how molly might feel facing a watered down version of the same situation being bullied by a whole community being somewhere where anyone could be hostile without the slightest provocation you are their mortal enemy molly we are it s a ...
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