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description= fiction & poetry by ian cusack;
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however gordon cameron the quality improvement lead national services core team turns into a completely uninhibited floozy two stiffies prone to shoot cum are still a hot challenge for the quality improvement lead national services core team gordon cameron even when gordon cameron the quality improvement lead national services core team was little he never knew whether he wanted to have a lolly or the dummy so the quality improvement lead national services core team gordon cameron took both in the case when gordon cameron the quality improvement lead national services core team gets to know two blokes from the evaluation team part of learning design and delivery whom he quite likes it s just like in former days the quality improvement lead national services core team gordon cameron catches both dick tips and plays with them during the nicely naughty rendezvous in the old castle near paris these boys of the evaluation team part of learning design and delivery they told gordon harwood the investigations manager they would like to rehearse a few new songs for the band in the old castle near paris but sheer desire for screwing is written in their faces well the investigations manager gordon harwood wouldn t mind a lay these spoilt sons of bitches of the evaluation team part of learning design and delivery keep baffling gordon harwood the investigations manager with their kinky surprises the investigations manager gordon harwood is going to put some pressure on their cum tanks in the old castle near paris uncategorized 0 comments july 24 2025 jobs for sunday i m still working on my novel braunhemden for publication by spinners but until then here s a story from the latest issue i m proud to have included generally the first game back after the christmas break is a complete shit show everyone s been on the piss for the last month stuffing their faces and done jack shit exercise your touch goes and nobody can pass shoot or shackle often it ends up in a rugby score but not this time maybe we re all a tad more abstemious these days or perhaps muscle memory has somehow got better we drew 4 4 and soon as we got back in the changers i went to do what i always did send her a text with the final score it was a ritual done it every monday for years if i hadn t sent word by 7 40 at the latest she d be ringing me to find out what happened i suppose she was more worried whether i d had a coronary got a red card for chinning one of the opposition had a stand up row with one of our lads for showing a total lack of commitment for not tracking his runner or done my achilles rather than any intrinsic interest in the fortunes of a dozen fat lads in their 40s and 50s puffing beetroot faced around an astroturf pitch in an anodyne leisure centre up the west road but now she was gone forever i d no need to text her as she d never see my words she couldn t text back and i d forgotten that as the first week of january crawled by i remembered it more and more no lights on in the house when i got home from work the utter absence of food smells in the kitchen unless i d left half cleared dirty dishes from the day before on the kitchen bench i only used to cook wednesdays and thursdays when she worked late but i always made the effort popped into sainsbury s on the way home got something nice tried to do different things sometimes it succeeded but even if it was crap like the abortion in a bowl that was my take on cullen skink she ate it and said it was lovely only ever admitted it was crap when we d had a bevvy at the weekend and we both laughed now there was nothing no laughter only silence the tv permanently off not that i watched anything but the news or match of the day it used to be fun when she had the soaps or some drama documentary on and i kept interrupting by guessing the next lines of dialogue or slagging off the actors it wouldn t ever be funny again nothing would i never went in half the rooms anymore no point nothing to see nothing to do nobody to talk to it was like the sixth act of a tragedy all the main characters are gone so there s no point in the play carrying on a stage left deserted apart from the minor character who hasn t the wit or the relevance to come up with a meaningful soliloquy to summarise events doors closed sat in the kitchen listening to music you ve heard a thousand times before but don t like as much as the records in the living room you never take out of the rack or bolt upright in the half empty bed no one hogging the duvet leafing through a poor quality paperback vastly inferior to the hundreds of brilliant books growing dusty on the bookshelves in the next room sometimes sat on the shitter doing nothing other than scrolling through endless social media sites crushed by the lack of responses to the few posts you ve made this last while empty house empty life empty heart persistent sadness or hopelessness a feeling of emptiness and a lack of interest in activities i d once enjoyed fatigue combined with a loss of energy feeling tired and lacking motivation changes in sleep patterns insomnia or excessive sleep crashing out every night after work pretending you re under the covers while the central heating kicks in when you know you re hiding difficulty concentrating on a book or the telly no longer finding any enjoyment in news items about clowns who ve fallen victim to romantic scams from an on line tarot card reader i met on a cruise or idiots the size of a barrage balloon claiming they ve had to quit tik tok to avoid an eating disorder relapse then there s my changes in appetite when it comes to cooking proper meals a total loss of appetite but give me a massive bag of doritos and a vat of houmous then i ll show you what overeating looks like trouble focusing or remembering things needing to write a list of all the jobs you have to do jobs you used to put off until sunday rehanging the washing line cleaning the shower tidying the garden or the garage the very definition of jobs for sunday but you never get round to them or you lose the list telling you what to do in the first place or leave it in the post office when you finally send the sympathy card to a mate whose old fella dropped off the perch a month back and that makes you feel ever more shit you let people down always especially yourself constantly low or even no self esteem feelings of worthlessness guilt or self criticism self loathing when combined with a post session case of the fear keeping off the drink doesn t help either withdrawal from social activities making you feel isolated from friends you don t see and family you don t have these days on particularly lonely nights when sleep is elusive it gets morbid suicidal thoughts or ideation a detailed plan that involves how where and when drowning yourself off the pier at tynemouth a bottle of brandy down your neck in the early hours of desperate midweek night you could end it all because nobody cares about you and nobody would even notice except at work and that plan helps you sleep not well but at least you re out of it for a few hours of uneasy dreams waking in darkness and immediately having your mind flooded with obsessive thoughts about death or suicide a feeling of disappointment that the ticker didn t give out when you were snoring but a sense of reassurance that at least you have a foolproof way out of this misery shaking your head as you sit on the side of the empty bed as light spreads across the sky doesn t make the wish for oblivion go away it gets stronger as the day goes on as you know come evening you ll be back in that empty house with your empty life and empty heart uncategorized 0 comments july 13 2025 organic rawdoggers the ever excellent tangled lines has just published its 9th issue please buy it to aid in editor mike head s recovery from a recent op i ve got this poem in there look what the fuck what s happening i m a tree that s just put a cable on our boss why do you fancy a good chat oh i didn t do anything look what the fuck what s happening i m a tray that just puts cables on our boss what what what s going on hope i didn t do anything that s the one reform he told me about are you a fake was it true you re only a big one are you right uncategorized 0 comments may 24 2025 tabs i m honoures to have this piece in issue 11 of spinners in comparison to all the lads and lasses i grew up with i started smoking fairly late in adolescence back then 16 was the legal age to buy tabs and to my eternal shame i never broke the law but once i finally started aged 17 and a bit i got good at it pretty quickly without question the reason i took up the habit was seeing this one particular photo on the back of a velvet underground compilation album at a sixth form party in autumn 81 i d first heard the velvets two years before that when peel played waiting for the man which with venus in furs was on the b side of the 12 single of reed s solo effort street hassle the sound of cale morrison reed and tucker just blew me away blew my head right open to the possibilities of the standard rock band line up their work still does when i did the playlist for my 60th birthday party i made it the rule that there could only be one song per year and 1967 was represented by waiting for the man i bought the 12 the day after i d heard peel play it still have it more than 45 years later and in all that time i reckon i ve only flipped it over to street hassle the once but though i never really got into reed s solo stuff i made it my priority to get hold of the rest of the velvets catalogue pretty sharpish back in the day the banana album came first obviously then the beautiful third record which i still count as my favourite and live 69 with that incredible version of what goes on that is my number one velvets song no question all on successive weekends in the last months of the 70s i also picked up the cheap re release of live at max s kansas city and the massively underrated loaded with a legion of solid gold classics like oh sweet nuthin and train round the bend before completing my collection with white light white heat before easter 1980 and that was that as no serious velvets connoisseur has any time for squeeze which is effectively a doug yule solo album as i was a completist i didn t bother with the self titled polydor mid price compilation that i held before me in christine thompson s living room i reckon it was her older brother s copy to be honest on the night the clocks went back in october 1981 searching for some decent music on a night where soft cell s tainted love and duran duran s planet earth had been on heavy rotation for hours casting my eyes on that pic changed my habits my health and my finances for the next 25 years or thereabouts i inflicted the gift on the gathering and smiled as several courting couples untangled from the sofa and went for some fresh air when i heard her call my name kicked in they didn t come back the back cover shows a photo of lou reed with his right arm draped round sterling morrison the velvet i would have chosen to be other than dying at 50 of course and his left round mo tucker whose hideous right wing politics ohne standesbewusstein could make her a late in life poster girl for the economically inactive faragistes who want to make elswick great again in his right hand is a zippo lighter and in his left an open soft pack of full fat marlboro the same tabs peek out of the plaid shirt top pockets of both morrison and tucker at that point in my life i d never smoked a cigarette joints were a different matter of course as i saw the point of them but that one photo enticed me straight to marlboro country i was 17 having gone back to college to do my a levels after a shitty one year ytsas a store operative at dinning s wholesale electricals in gateshead the only money i had coming in was a 7 mornings and 5 evenings paper round at ralphie dixon s newsagent the pittance i was paid effectively less than the 26 50 i got on the yts once travel and board were discounted didn t provide me with enough dosh to keep myself in beer and records never mind tabs so i did what any reasonable person would have done in my position next morning i lifted a 200 carton of marlboro from the stock room and a couple of disposable lighters of course from such a standing start it took me a long time to learn how to inhale without spewing my guts up but i managed the knack by around christmas when i ran out of smokes i just helped myself to single packets from the shelves at ralphie s when the place was busy dixon was a moaning old shithouse with a big detached house up windy nook so it didn t trouble my conscience liberating him of a few packets here and there i had to be wise though never concentrate on one brand in particular so as to avoid suspicion if stocks ran low while marlboro were my tab of choice i also investigated dunhill rothmans b h as well as the more romantic seeming french and american brands like chesterfield lucky strike or gauloises on the rare occasions camel were on display i gorged myself on them though i regretted the accidental pocketing of a pack of non filters which had me talking like lee marvin for a few days the only brand i wouldn t touch were embassy as everyone from your granny to your boss to all the straights and radgies mods and skins soul boys and rude boys i d hated at school smoked regal or number 1s round our way and i wanted to stand out from the crowd hence also using a lighter from day 1 although i suppose the smell of matches has always made me want to throw up still does can t bear it once i left college and headed for leeds poly i had to ditch my job at ralphie s though i did take a final ceremonial sleeve of marlboro a nd one of gitanes for old time s sake on the day of my final shift never did question me about missing stock makes me regret not robbing the moaning old cunt blind after that i was on the old student grant like a giro it was green and got you pissed but it only arrived every 3 months in times of dire financial need i did what every impecunious sociology student did and turned to roll ups not run of the mill rubbish like golden virginia or old holborn but knock off dutch gear like drum or even gauloises bought in sturdy 50g plastic pouches in noisy pub back rooms or quiet corner shops all across the ls6 area i stuck with them for years mainly because they were cheap by the end i was down to about 5 a day on average with sundays and mondays being my non smoking days i had this vision of quitting when i turned 30 which i sort of managed to do despite lapses for the odd henry winterman slim panatella in fact i was almost smoke free until i found myself living in bratislava in september 1999 just turned 35 after life had thrown me one of those unpredictable curveballs you know how things are culture shock alienation you rely on your old mates beer and tabs about 25p a pint and ten bob for a box of smokes in the post velvet divor...
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