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lobster author s note this is an excerpt from the novel you were never lovelier it is not about sexual freedom per se but it does touch on the related issues do i like this guy and why am i acting like such a jerk eric often asked his friend jasper for advice in affairs of the heart jasper s job as a professor of nineteenth century literature gave him a surprisingly helpful perspective on modern love today since the crisis was particularly severe eric had invited jasper to lunch at an expensive restaurant it was possible to expense such lunches since he was seeking professional advice yesterday i met someone who i haven t seen in a long time but you won t understand unless i tell you the back story eric leaned across the table and gave jasper a puzzled look that s a concept i picked up from you back story does it mean what i think it means back story is what you have on soap operas jasper explained it s what happened to the characters before they appeared on the show or it can mean what happened on the show five or ten years ago well this was more like that said eric it was in high school you didn t know me in high school i was different then thank you he said to the waiter who d brought him a glass of beer i wasn t as you know as i am now as attractive mmmm said eric anyway i didn t have many friends and the other guys were cruel to me they hated me there was this one guy paolo gregory he used to he used to beat me up jasper picked up his knife and fork the bastard he said but he can t get away with that any more where is he i ll get him for you eric gave a rueful smile you don t have to do that he said but thank you their food arrived jasper began to cut up his steak i saw him yesterday at the gym said eric he hadn t changed at all maybe he put on a little weight he reflected and could he be taller is that possible anyway he recognized me too and at first i thought i d just pretend not to know who he was but that seemed stupid who could forget him and besides just being rude was too good for him i agree said jasper so i said paolo you haven t changed a bit do you still beat people up that was quick thinking was it it just kind of popped out eric stopped chewing and looked away as if remembering the scene what happened then he turned red i guess people with red hair must blush very easily it happened slowly though he slowly turned redder and redder it was like it was sinking in he always was dumb said eric vehemently a stupid person he thinks slowly did you feel better when he turned red i mean strangely no anyway then he said i m sorry about that i wanted to tell you i m sorry apparently it had been on his mind all these years or that s what he wanted me to believe he asked me if i could forgive him what did you say i said yes but i don t forgive him of course i just said that go on well then he was like what are you doing where do you work where do you live again so stupid did i need that couldn t you get away you don t understand i wanted to pay him back i mean turning red was just not enough didn t i turn red when he tried to strangle me with that scarf so i was thinking what can i do to get back at him while we were having this very boring conversation he told me where he went to college he told me about his job why did he think i would be interested in that then it clicked i saw what was behind it all he liked you said jasper very good said eric he seemed surprised how did you guess oh well jasper said it s like in pride and prejudice why does mr darcy keep staring at me i just don t understand why he keeps staring at me elizabeth can t figure it out did mr darcy give elizabeth a knuckle sandwich asked eric no said jasper not really anyway not in the version we teach at columbia oh well that s a side issue do you think paolo liked you all along and that s why he gave you a knuckle sandwich i mean why he acted the way he did well maybe but i secretly liked guys then too and i never caused them intense physical pain i never even tried paolo was such a moron a very strong moron eric reflected i suppose this kind of thing must happen all the time anyway i made short work of him i said would you like to go out with me on friday he blushed again eric said scornfully he cast his eyes down to his empty plate did he say yes of course said eric his voice had gone dull what do you think i should do with him well you know we are supposed to forgive people said jasper george eliot is very clear about that and so is charlotte brontë sort of eric took some french fries from jasper s plate i can t do it he said i can t forgive him instead i want to hurt him as much as possible how can i do it you know i don t think i can help you with that please said eric i know it s wrong but he made me very unhappy once he made me feel like i was nothing this is the only way i ll ever feel better about that time if i get some sort of satisfying revenge i m sorry jasper said he thought for a while something occurred to him why did you come to me for advice did you think we specialized in revenge in graduate school because we didn t but you ve read all those books said eric i want the kind of clever idea that people don t do in real life but write books about instead but i really want to do it oh jasper said well you could arrange to meet him somewhere and then stand him up and watch him through a window i read about that somewhere or maybe it was in a movie eric shook his head dismissively you weren t thinking along the lines of an s m club eric nodded happily i don t think that s a good idea eric looked regretful here s one i got from the carol burnett show you take him to a restaurant and you publicly humiliate him jasper raised his voice ladieeees and gentlemen this man used to beat me up as a child he tried to strangle me he broke one of my ribs he broke my nose he knocked out my teeth and now he invites me out to lunch and says all those beautiful words to me shut up hissed eric his ears had turned pink from the other tables people regarded them with pleased and happy expressions good for you dear said an elderly lady let s get out of here said eric he fled from the room the bill was paid in the safety of the lobby then eric and jasper were outside on the street that was humiliating i m sorry jasper said that was my lecture voice no that was great said eric i mean i didn t even break your nose and i still feel like dirt public humiliation is very powerful yes but it will destroy paolo what restaurant should i pick 21 jasper suggested perfect paolo was sitting at a table at 21 he wasn t entirely comfortable was he wearing the right thing most of the men were wearing suits but he didn t think he looked right in a suit it made him seem blocky and clumsy and turtlenecks of course made him look like he had no neck paolo was surprised that anyone wore them at all ever but perhaps eric would look good in a turtleneck he reflected it had been eric s idea to eat at this restaurant looking at the prices on the menu made paolo feel more uneasy than before but if he ordered with care the meal would fit in his budget he was still paying off his loans from film school eric of course had that complicated job on wall street and could afford anything paolo worked as a cameraman and preferred to cook for himself anyway he d offered to cook eric a three course dinner including dessert but although eric s eyes had shown a momentary gleam at the mention of baked alaska he d called later to insist on meeting at this restaurant no doubt they would split the bill down the middle as a sign they were grown up now everything would be fine unless eric ordered something extremely expensive and that could easily happen given his love of eating paolo remembered once watching him eat an ice cream bar in the school cafeteria first he nibbled off the chocolate coating and then he licked away the vanilla ice cream which had begun to melt it got all over his fingers and he licked them too paolo remembered how sticky and uncomfortable this spectacle had made him eric had been sitting alone at the end of a table and paolo couldn t take his eyes off him it was strange how well paolo remembered this that must have been where he got the idea of baked alaska these thoughts occupied paolo for a long time and it wasn t until the waiter asked him if he wanted to order something that he realized that eric was very late then he began to worry at eight o clock the time he d agreed to meet paolo at the restaurant eric was lying on his back on the floor of his apartment he was concentrating deeply with his eyes shut ladies and gentlemen this man abused me as a child he called me names he hit me he kicked me he did even more unspeakable things to me what unspeakable things never mind and now he has the gall to invite me to dinner at this romantic restaurant and something about beautiful words oh yeah he said all those beautiful words to me this wasn t true however ladies and gentleman i m sure you will join me in spirit as i hit this man whose name is paolo gregory by the way and who works for the soap opera the guiding light as i hit this man in the face with a chocolate cream pie whomp eric rolled over onto his stomach it s very humiliating he said in a softer voice ladies and gentlemen this man punched me kicked me and painted all over my face with acrylic paints no that sounds stupid but they wouldn t come off i had to go home in a taxi he sighed he called me ugly names fag homo cocksucker let me say that more clearly cock suck er this is very humiliating isn t it he even called me a lesbian which wasn t exactly on the mark eric said this more brightly but he was always stupid he used to ask me to give him the answers for homework why would i do that of course i gave him the wrong answers but he never seemed to notice maybe he thought i was as dumb as he was this was said in a voice of shock did he think i was going to kiss and make up yelch blech blech blech phooey eric s cat walked over to eric sniffed him and climbed onto the back of his neck eric rolled over and sat up mr whiskers said eric cradling the cat in his arms did i upset you he asked did i upset you did my big bad voice frighten you are you humiliated mr whiskers blinked comfortably eric kissed him on the nose you don t have to go to the horrible restaurant he whispered but i ll tell you what i ll order something for you and bring it home in a doggie bag would you like that would you like a little doggie to eat mr whiskers purred you good cat said eric good good cat i ll bring you home a large lobster i know what you like a large lobster oh my god look at the time he said standing up sorry he said to mr whiskers who had to jump off suddenly it s just that if i don t hurry he won t still be there and we wouldn t want that would we eric rushed out and caught a taxi being in a hurry calmed him and he wasn t concerned anymore about what he would say besides he loved taxis they gave him a luxurious feeling he never fastened his seat belt despite anything the famous new yorkers said in their recorded safety messages at the restaurant eric spotted paolo right away oh good you re still here he said by way of acknowledgment of his tardiness but this was what he always said it wasn t aimed specifically at paolo he unfolded his napkin with a flourish and carefully looked paolo up and down then smiled as if satisfied with something you look handsome he said maliciously what happened to you asked paolo eric opened his mouth to invent an extenuating circumstance then he reflected that since paolo didn t merit any extenuation the unvarnished truth would do even better i was talking to my cat and i lost track of the time meanwhile paolo was thinking how attractive eric looked especially as he held his mouth open trying to think of what to say and his irritation and anxiety melted away you have a cat i have a dog he s named pumpernickel eric hated dogs he wrinkled his nose to indicate this and then remembered that there was no reason not to be even more explicit i hate dogs he said you hate dogs how can you hate dogs pumpernickel is an english bulldog i bet you couldn t hate him if you met him i bet i could though thought eric and again i m sure i would if i met him said eric happily paolo made no reply however and only sat staring at eric with a surprised and wounded look on his face the look and the silence began to make eric uncomfortable the thought of mr whiskers sprang unbidden to his mind and he opened the menu to search for lobster there it was maine lobster 69 he closed the menu and looked up paolo was looking right at him still with exactly the same expression he s so slow thought eric still this wasn t the way he d expected things to be he was forced to say something to mitigate the attack on paolo s dog i have a pathological fear of dogs ever since i was attacked by a dog in early childhood the larger the dog the more pathological the fear this seemed to satisfy paolo and the troublesome expression went away still if he had any sense he d remember that i was attacked by him in late childhood and that i ought to have a pathological fear of him too thought eric the waiter came to take their order but eric couldn t concentrate because of a sudden disturbing thought maybe i do have a pathological fear of him maybe he s a psychopath maybe tomorrow morning they ll find me in a box somewhere if that happens who will take care of mr whiskers i ll have the waldorf salad as a main course explained paolo unnecessarily his trusting appeal to the waiter disarmed eric s suspicions these days paolo is nothing but a harmless vegetarian eric thought i would like a large lobster yes certainly would you like anything to start eric said no he wanted to get to dessert as quickly as possible he wasn t sure he was enjoying himself yet eric looks uncomfortable thought paolo maybe he can t think of anything to talk about maybe he s nervous tell me more about your cat he suggested what s his name mr whiskers eric didn t want to talk about mr whiskers he has a wasting disease it s a very painful subject for me i m sorry said paolo he looked shocked now he s going to tell me all about someone he knows who has a much worse wasting disease thought eric probably a close relative his eyes darted uncomfortably around the restaurant that must be very sad for you said paolo i hope you have a good vet i could find out the name of someone at the humane society who once helped a friend of mine she had to put her cat to sleep some vets don t like to do that and just cut you off when they ve reached the point where they can t do anything more for you eric had two responses to this speech the first was that paolo seemed miraculously to have become a somewhat sensitive person these days the second was that paolo wanted to recommend someone to put mr whiskers to sleep mr whiskers was perfectly healthy paolo hadn t changed at all eric went with the first thoug...
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