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description= AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.;
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squinting and confused until i realized and gasped because i thought i was hallucinating what the fuck is that i shouted and she stopped dead in her tracks i couldn t tell if it was a tree trunk washed ashore until i saw it moving but right there sprawled out before us was not the kissed by a rose dude that snubbed me a few months ago but an actual living breathing seal we thought he might be out there sunning himself at first but from the noises and restricted movements it was making we could tell it was in pain we were shocked to see it but even more shocked to see the group of mennonite women playing ball next to it as if it were part of the game forgive me for not staying current on all the games these kids are playing now but common sense should take over and tell you not to put your slam ball or you corn hole that close to a dying seal it was like they were waiting for him to tap in and play i couldn t tell for certain if they were amish or mennonites or the cast of the handmaid s tale out there in that garb but what i could tell is that they were definitely idiots we were like did you guys call the police and they were like for what it was almost like a hidden camera how because there s no way they didn t notice it it was right then that i knew that i d have to be the marine biologist on the shore that day my whole life had been working towards this moment and i was determined to fulfill my costanza destiny and save that seal i rolled up my sleeves and went marching over to lend a hand when i heard the voice of wisdom from above do not touch that seal it actually wasn t divine intervention but my wife reminding me not to get too close to an animal in pain i was convinced he just needed to get back into the water and she looked at me like i was crazy and said what do you think there s an underwater emergency room down there do they have seal band aids and nurses to take care of him it obviously needs medical attention leave it alone she s seen one episode of national geographic and all of a sudden she s an expert but in all seriousness it would be very cool if they had seal band aids with either the animal on them or the kissed by a rose singer we agreed to disagree as i was convinced that all that poor seal needed was just a push to get it rolling back into the water but quickly reminded myself that this is exactly what happened to buster bluth on arrested development when the seal bit off his hand also not the kissed by a rose singer but an actual live seal not wanting a hook for a hand since it limits my halloween costume choices i looked around for a branch or piece of wood to gently press under him to start rolling him into the water when the po po arrived from one professional offering courtesy to another professional i went over to update the officer and explain my strategy for assisting the seal when he stopped me mid sentence and said do not touch that seal do you understand what i m saying obviously he was very sensitive about who was actually in charge of the situation but i didn t want to start a fight so i deferred and let him have this one also that was a big seal and i knew i wasn t strong enough to roll his fat ass back into the water alone and no one was looking to assist me my favorite part was how he was looking at me like i was the crazy one yet the cult ten feet away still hadn t stopped their game to pay any mind to him or the seal it was as if there were vegas odds and they stood to make a fortune the way they were so wrapped up in that game two experts conferring on the scene he called animal control to pick up the seal and i left feeling satisfied that my job here was done i actually did a double take and started looking around for the cameras because i was absolutely convinced we had just stumbled onto the set of the next season of arrested development my wife on the other hand said she d been to the beach thousands of times in her life and here i come rolling into the sand and it s a shit show after that i just kept repeating the sea was angry that day my friends and we did have a really nice weekend despite the seal and the cult members sometimes all you need is to seal the deal early and you ll have a nice time after that it s kind of ironic that this happened and my facebook profile is actually this meme i put up back in december for my sister s birthday hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays roma downey touched by an imodium angel april 25 2018 april 25 2018 www immodiumabuser com 8 comments as if a heavenly vision on a gorgeous morning roma downey stepped out from her car and she was beaming she s one of those people you see that just instantly makes you smile some people have that natural glow around them very similar to the way my forehead glistens because of the mixture of sweat and how thin my hair is but she was something else entirely it was as if she emerged out of a rainbow because she looked stunning and absolutely could not have been sweeter she stopped and chatted with every person there while signing autographs and taking pictures with anyone that asked that s rare as most people of some notoriety kinda just rush through to get inside i m not one to tempt the fate of the heavens by talking smack about an actual angel or even a charlie s angel for that matter but does anyone else find it ironic that she produced a miniseries called a d the bible continues and then afterwards she comes face to face with the imodium ad king himself talk about the universe sending what you ve asked for apparently the sky s the limit with roma told you she glows we snapped a picture and i looked at my phone to see how it came out only to find a random woman photo bombing the picture i hadn t seen her when taking it and didn t even realize the words had come out of my mouth until i heard myself say is this woman kidding what s wrong with her why would she stand there and do that she s taking up half the picture with photo bomber now a mature adult would have been happy to get any picture at all and just shut the hell up or just crop the damn woman out but not me roma looked at me and the picture and then turned around to the bomber and said in a voice so sweet it was as if it were a slice of pie from waitress honey move over he s trying to take a picture of us without photo bomber i almost died because the photo bomber who i m pretty sure was her assistant because they went into nbc together after that then promptly looked at us and stepped aside roma turned to me and said let s take it again with a huge smile and then we took a better picture i was almost too embarrassed to take snap another one since i had acted like such an ass but who am i to turn a downey roma also i was afraid the assistant would go all hong kong phooey on me the second roma turned away how nice is she that even when i m acting like a compete ass and cannot shut my mouth for even a second she s still so sweet and kind she literally is an angel and i ll hear nothing to the contrary about that from anyone hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays marie osmond dee snider she s a little bit country he s a little bit rock and roll april 10 2018 april 10 2018 www immodiumabuser com 5 comments they don t call me eagle eye for nothing ok no one calls me eagle eye but i d really like people to start since i ve been stalking celebrities i ve run into a few people that i didn t recognize but not this time the door opened and there she was marie osmond i was walking up to ask for a photo as my buddy asked who it was what i was thinking to myself who doesn t know marie osmond but then i remembered that i didn t know who n o r e was until i was literally fondling his thumb so i guess it happens marie could not have been more gracious unlike the gentleman my friend chris mistook for freddie highmore the good doctor who was not as friendly as he could have been she snapped pictures with everyone and told more than a few people how cute she thought they were full disclosure i was actually not one of the men she said was cute which reminded me of what my mother told me when i asked as a young man if i was good looking you re funny your looks don t matter i m still not sure if that was a compliment or not but i guess it was a nicer way of saying no thank god my kids are cute like my wife and funny like me they ve got best of both worlds i d put up a poll on here to measure my cuteness level but i feel like my fragile ego is right on the brink anyway so i ll spare you feel free to light up the comments section below with just how cute you think i am as she was entering the building my buddy looked back at her car and said is that donny osmond still in there no i snapped back that man is tiny like a little peanut elderly and more importantly he s asian have you ever actually seen donny osmond needless to say donny wasn t rocking the sidewalk like his big sister on the opposite end of the spectrum is dee snider lead singer of twisted sister as a person that grew up with a really twisted sister constantly singing i wanna rock over and over again i feel like i can really relate so it was awesome to meet him the car pulled up and all of a sudden he just popped out right in front of us and we asked to take a picture he stopped and said what sounded like no but he was standing there smiling so it was a little off putting and i paused i was surprised that he had said no since it was only three of us there and it would have just taken a minute and also he stopped why would he stop if he didn t want to do it i was just about to start singing his classic song we re not gonna take it but then he said it again go i laughed and said sorry i thought you said no which made him laugh and he said it did sound like no didn t it come on he was really very cool and a friendly dude he s starring in rocktopia on broadway until april 15th so get out and go see it hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays i missed out on dan but got to meet roseanne march 28 2018 march 28 2018 www immodiumabuser com 2 comments last week i shared my encounter with the fantastic sandra bernhard which was perfect timing since the revived roseanne season was starting tonight when low and behold howard stern was interviewing the roseanne stars this afternoon i was anxiously waiting for roseanne john goodman to come down and hopefully snap a picture with me since i m big fan i ve seen a lot of celebrities but i was super excited about meeting them she s like that crazy aunt everyone wants and loves but you re still somewhat scared of what she ll do at the family reunion and i ve been a fan of everything he s done since always lecy goranson original becky came out first and was snapping pictures with other fans in the lobby so i went right over i told her i was excited for the reboot to start and she said she hoped i liked it as i was wishing her luck with the show i looked over to see roseanne and john goodman walking towards the door it was my very own sophie s choice as they split up and headed towards different exits there was just no way to get both of them i love john goodman but roseanne was closer to me and i felt like i had a better shot of actually getting her so i jumped into action using my ninja stealth speed ok i actually just walked over towards where she was heading but it was at a brisk pace and still felt very mission impossible ish roseanne s assistant was shooing people away and said no pictures and that roseanne wouldn t sign any autographs i looked over and plotzed because john goodman was taking pictures with everyone at the other door but i knew he was too far away now so it was roseanne or nothing i was right next to her now and all that stood between her and i was that damn assistant who was no nonsense as she tried to quickly shuttle her to their waiting car as luck would have it roseanne s assistant actually brought her to and opened the door of the wrong car she actually opened the car door that lecy had just gotten into this little snafu caused a short moment of confusion and that moment was my small window of opportunity i hustled around her assistant and got on the other side of roseanne once again using my previously mentioned stealth like ninja speed i asked roseanne if i could take the picture and she didn t answer full disclosure it was a little bit of a commotion with the crowd and her assistant leading her to multiple cars through the crowd i asked again since i m not an animal and felt it would be extremely rude of me to just jam my phone into roseanne s face and start snapping pictures also she s crazy and could have slugged me which would have been even more awesome over her right shoulder is the woman who did not want us taking pictures she tried to keep us apart but we found a way i asked once again which at that point was even irritating to me as well and she looked at me and said what could have been a sarcastic line right from the show well why don t you just take it already and then she started laughing it wasn t her famous cackle from the show but it s not like i was tickling her or had told her how my sister shit on a cat either way she still laughed at me drop the mic now because roseanne laughed at me granted she was laughing at me not with me but i ll take what i can get she got into the car and was gone in an instant and i wans happy as a pig in a poke not really sure exactly what that expression actually means but i was pretty stoked i didn t get to meet john goodman today but i m happy that i at least got to see him in person i got to meet and get pictures with becky and roseanne so all in all it was a really good day but mark my words i will meet you one day john goodman like scarlet o hara extolled in the classic gone with the wind as god is my witness i will never miss a picture with john goodman again hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays just in time for the roseanne reboot me and sandra bernhard had a meet cute march 22 2018 march 23 2018 www immodiumabuser com leave a comment the crazy storms and power outages have knocked me out of my routine and i feel that i ve neglected you but just when those celebrities thought it was safe to walk the nyc streets again immodium abuser is back in action i must confess that although it s extremely hard to fathom i actually am old enou...
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