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description= Explore the boundaries of parental authority while preserving your child s free will;
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acebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading posted in uncategorized 29 comments myth busting 12 punishment works posted on january 6 2013 by claire when i was a punitive parent i didn t understand what people meant when they said that spanking doesn t work i d think well it works for me as i came out of the punitive paradigm i started to be able to look back and see how what i had been doing wasn t working but i couldn t think of a way to articulate it to my former self or someone who thinks like i did i think i may now have it what is spanking time out punishment meant to teach obedience and for a child of the right temperament they will pick up on the idea that if they do what they are told they won t get hurt and they will choose to comply to avoid the pain there are any number of problems that gentle parents will point to with this but for my purpose here the simplest is that it requires trial and error on the part of the child they have to fail to obey a number of times in order to figure out the pattern and if the parent makes a mistake as we all do such as assuming the child knows what obedience looks like in a given situation when in fact they have misunderstood something then that will delay the learning by trial and error because the child will have incomplete or inaccurate data from which to draw their conclusions trial and error is a valid way to learn many things experimentation exploration and discovery these are the essence of what it means to be a toddler and they remain a delight to our minds throughout our lives but they are not always the best way to learn and when it comes to something as foundational as our relationship with our parents and how to avoid being deliberately hurt by the people god gave us to protect us then trial and error is not the best method not at all when you think about it what really works when it comes to learning anything is success in fact trial and error is the wrong term really it should be trial error and success if all we do is fail we don t learn what it looks like to succeed trial and error teaches at best what not to do so if i want my child to learn obedience the best way to teach him is to help him obey ideally i m not perfectly consistent far from it if i m honest but ideally my children don t get the choice to obey or be punished they get the choice to obey on their own or obey with help either way they experience success in obeying they learn that what i say happens and that it is my job to make sure it happens and it is their job to obey when i compare this with the cycle of instruct fail spank fail spank maybe succeed that i was in with my son before god showed me positive parenting i can see that it really wasn t working because now i know what working looks like now i know what proactive teaching looks like help comes in different forms it changes depending on the age and stage of the child and the circumstances it can be playful parenting to make it fun to obey it can be gently taking the child s hand and physically helping them it can be getting up close to the child and repeating the instruction at eye level to make sure they understand the options are almost endless and depend greatly on the child s personality time available etc the gentle discipline faqs forum http www gentlechristianmothers com community forumdisplay php s daysprune 30 f 526 at gentle christian mothers was a really helpful place for me to find ideas and see what it looks like when gentle discipline works did you have an aha moment when you saw how your discipline paradigm had shifted how do you explain the difference share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading posted in figuring it out grace based discipline refuting dobson s questionable logic uncategorized tagged gentle discipline positive parenting punishment relationship spanking 3 comments firsts posted on december 25 2012 by greenegem this is a year of first things for me and my boys first everythings maximus went to school minimus went into care i went to school first bus ride first exam in 17 years first christmas of peace for the first time in their lives my boys were not together with me for the majority of the time each day each week i went to college yes another first thing advisors financial aid professors and other students lots of loneliness lots of peace and quite a bit of joy worry too all these things in an entirely new context what astonished me and continues to astonish me is how happy we are just the three of us happy and peaceful therapy for his sensory processing helped maximus so very much but what helped us all the most was the absence of conflict easter had been rough because the pain was still too raw we were all reeling trying to adjust it was evident that something had been taken away the boys adjusting to visits with their dad me trying to navigate court appointments soon to be ex in laws my own family s big feelings so much happened that there was never time to process it all but i did try i draw everything inside pondering pain and denying good good doesn t last in my world didn t last couldn t i thought i kept going fighting inertia with momentum but they are both passive forces summer came and i began to feel free it still seemed i was holding my breath because everything i was trying to do took so long to pull together august came and my birthday and god released me from any expectation of going back to the hell that was my marriage time it seems does heal soon enough max started school the pieces fell into place one by one with painful slowness at each turn it seemed my plans would fall apart unable to bear up under the reality of my life i felt free but i also felt sad and lonely i started school met a few new friends learned a lot and to my shock and wonderment earned high grades i enjoyed my professors and the subjects i was taking max was thriving in school exceeding everyone s expectations except perhaps his own he comes by that particular personality trait honestly my expectations for myself are often unrealistic i tried very hard not to need anyone but the new friends i had made reminded me how much i desire someone to share the details of my day with look that chick is wearing see through pants i just took my first math exam in 17 years one new friend was particularly thrilling for me but i was painfully aware that nothing at all could develop between us at that point meeting him rocked my world not altogether pleasantly thrillingly but not pleasantly by thanksgiving we were at peace in a horridly wonderful way no one was missing x had never been part of our lives he had never chosen to live life with us present the kids don t ask about him they see him every week so that might be why but never did i hear i wish daddy was here for christmas that hurt me it felt very bad to know just how little they needed him around we were comfortable with just the three of us because he had never really tried to be part of his own family something is broken there there should be a hole there should be a lack school was hard home was good working hard felt good satisfying i ve lost 45 lbs and i have energy my house is cleaner today than it s ever been i ve had to keep busy since the end of the semester through many late nights and early mornings sweating through assignments that i knew i had not given my best effort in writing taking tests while literally shaking with fever i tried to keep moving i knew if i stopped for a moment i d never get moving again i started running again and bought good winter gear so i didn t have any excuses oddly taking care of business felt right i felt as if i was finally doing what i had always been meant to do then i felt guilty if this was what i had always been meant to do then why was i a mother i don t have an answer to that max seemed to be bonded to his teachers seemed not to need me anymore minim loved his day mom and her kids he loved being there and although he was happy to see me when i came to pick him up he became angry and told me to go away as soon as we got into the car they both were sleeping well and so was i my bed did not feel empty most of the time with just me in it i just don t know how to do any of this how do i mother when i hardly spend time with my children anymore how do i pursue my education and a career and still mother i have always only been able to do one thing well i give 110 all of myself to whatever i am doing and i don t know how to do both things and there i was again pondering pain and impossibilities and refusing joy this morning is christmas morning i watched my boys carefully select a present each and open them then they opened the box and played with the item then they chose the next gift methodical i thought where is the joy in this why aren t they excited i looked closer i saw joy i saw excitement it was a quiet excitement to be sure peaceful almost beatific with each gift they grew more quiet more introspective and their small faces beamed small smiles careful movements but they were happy they were storing up all the good things and pondering them in their hearts they were pondering peace and joy now they don t ponder when they are angry oh heck no hah when they hurt the world knows and i thought that it is more fitting to release pain and anger and fear release them and absorb peace ponder joy and internalize it what a difference for them to take in and embrace their happiness while dispelling pain and anger i had been taught precisely the opposite absorb pain hide fear do not express anger joy is acceptable for display if you are happy everyone should know it is your responsibility to spread your joy out for everyone i say no what did a lifetime of hiding pain and absorbing fear leave me wounded half formed only partially capable of experiencing good things i still believe i don t get good things not me i don t get them they don t last if i do so i cannot accept joy because i am too busy pondering my pain i want my boys to be able to release pain and anger let them go they will serve their purpose and then be gone i will let them absorb as much good as they can because what we take in and hold fast becomes a part of us right now they believe that good things come to them they believe that good things are a normal part of life so when they get something good they can accept it embrace it that is the root of their quiet joy this morning and the root of their exuberant grief when they hurt perhaps if they can keep this as they grow they will not accept less than what is their right they will not accept less than a whole person as a wife they will expect wholeness and good from themselves as well this was meant to be joyful um this morning was so amazing that it sparked off a whole string of connections what is wrong is closely tied to what is right and what should not have been is as closely tied to what should be skyping with my friend this morning she said to me you are so happy you are shining she is right share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading posted in figuring it out greenegem s story tagged accept anger christmas college court embrace excitement fear financial aid first joy maximus minimus pain peace ponder presents school whole wife 2 comments some thoughts on proverbs 23 11 posted on november 23 2012 by claire barefoot betsy had done a fabulous job of discussing the interpretation of the rod verses and why we believe they are meant gently and figuratively her series on the subject starts here but in discussion in the comments section of a previous post i found i have a couple of things i want to say so at the risk of being redundant beat him with the rod first a letter to the editor found in the newsletter of the mt willow education society august 2225 drumming in the multiplication tables we read in on mathematical education the statement it is imperative that multiplication tables from 2 to 15 be drummed into the head of each and every child by the age of 10 there have been some well meaning attempts in recent years to soften the clear instructions of the 20th century educator we all seek to follow suggesting that the phrase drum it in was perhaps not meant literally in a recent letter to the editor casey trimble says i believe this this phrase was used to simply mean simply repeating a lesson over and over until it is learned but no matter how much we would like to believe mr willow to have been consistently gentle in all his methods his words are quite clear and can only mean one thing in willow schools the method of inculcating multiplication tables into students was to take a pair of drumsticks and beat a tattoo on the child s head as the teacher recited them he does not give any clear direction as to how hard to rap some parents educators have surmised that the drumming should be more severe as time progresses until the child has learned the entire table t is my personal belief that it should always be a light tattoo designed simply to provide a child with a kinesthetic experience that aids in building memory of course some parents will feel that this method is outdated and prefer not to use the sticks and claim that they are able to drum the tables into the child by means of songs flash cards or games we are all free to do what we believe is best in our own homeschools but i submit that a child who learns the tables without the drumsticks has not received a true willow education a e this is what i believe has been done with the verses about the rod of correction why do i think the original audience of the author of proverbs would read it differently partly because of the view of modern jews for example the rod of chastisement is considered an instrument of mercy the talmud allows for corporal punishment with a shoestrap only there is no mention of rods at all another reason is that in the mosaic law there are instructions on punishing a man who beats his slave to death but absolute silence about beating children too severely i can only assume this is because the very idea of beating one s child was anathema to the culture and so did not need addressing also because a rod is not a switch not a flat hand not a paddle not a belt the closest thing in my home to a rod is the wooden curtain rod that fell down last year and now leans against my bedroom wall if i hit my child with that it would be abuse and no one would disagree and partly because i try to read the bible with a christotelic hermeneutic of love jesus...
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