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Text of the page (random words):
ther and flops around and gets so much benefit from it biting yeah his favorite food is bananas bananas always bananas after that cheese buttered toast lemons pancakes yogurt berries pineapple eggs with spinach he s fine with many vegetables as long as they are cooked in butter don t blame you pasta is rejected unless it has cheese sauce on it he says bah bah for water and wuh wuh for bubbles i don t know how he got those backward whenever he sees a bus drive by he launches into a violent fit of wheels on the bus hand gestures accompanied by a ferociously excited face when he starts seeming tired before bedtime i ask if he wants to take a bath and he always beelines for the bathroom in the bath he splashes a bit but is most interested in letting the water out byeeeeeee bah bah after bathtime story time but when he s too tired for stories he just pushes the books away and asks for beah meelmoo and then toddles off to his room i m amazed at this bit of self regulation which doesn t fit with most of my image of him he will always be my baby leave a comment posted in uncategorized perfection on a plate the end is near posted on march 20 2015 1 comment add to the list of things i will buy when i m incredibly wealthy these fantastic life fulfilling plates i wanted an entire life based on blue willow when i was younger and these blend that blue willow life with a post apocalyptic sensibility that comes with my age plates and bandanas available at http calamityware com if you ve got some extra pocket change go and buy some now for me images via calamityware of course 1 comment posted in uncategorized tagged blue willow covet things to buy awake posted on september 8 2014 1 comment it s true i empathize i would get drunk and google you too if circumstances were different i would ask a million questions designed to get a better look at your face not because i want to but because i am like you but things are as they are and if the baby sleeps i am not shining light in dark places i am not like you but not by my own virtue 1 comment posted in uncategorized tagged poetry procrastinator posted on july 25 2014 leave a comment i stay up too late even when the option to sleep is granted by the baby i have the opportunity for four and a half hours and consider myself lucky it is so much more than the two or three or one or none that it was for months is this how everyone feels with a baby it can t be all those other people seem to get so much done i am under water all the time and hold him cuddled for too long at night after his night wakings hold him cuddled when i should let him sleep in his own little wooden shoe he is my ever present everything the best part of my days our time together is so limited i am gone twelve hours a day for a 9 5 job that commute i swear that cuddling him while he sleeps seems sane seems rational and also seems like i m probably going to ruin him in a million different ways we will break each other s hearts forever i am sure i know i will forget it all in the wash of sleep deprivation forget the way he pets my neck as he drifts off to sleep forget the way he arches his back in protest as i put him down drowsy but awake like all the books tell me to forget the soft sweet humming to himself along with the lullabies i sing to him we are here they are sleeping i should be too leave a comment posted in uncategorized tagged baby life my heart return to posted on january 29 2014 2 comments return to everything to the world to blogging in a couple of weeks to work it s horrifying what s been going on the last couple of months well this guy our little chrome dome lex luthor wannabe all around smooth guy his two month birthday is tomorrow and i m both baffled by how fast it s gone and also good lord it has been the longest two months ever if i could go back and tell myself of two months ago what this was going to be like i still wouldn t believe it or even myself of two weeks ago i wouldn t believe it either this whole process of becoming someone s mother is strangely terrible and wonderful a transformation i couldn t possibly have prepared for even if i had been open to it somehow we ve managed to get from entirely helpless squawking sleepy newborn to still entirely helpless squawking refusing to sleep hilariously personable 2 month old every skill he learns has me texting a friend or calling my sister to say oh my gosh he rolled over from his stomach to his back he can rock his own bassinet i m pretty sure that i m the only one who cares but everyone has been delightful about humoring me i already miss little newborn theo with all my heart i hear that it only gets better from here also i just came across this ridiculous picture from when he was 5 days old oh my god my heart exploded 2 comments posted in uncategorized try to remember posted on october 15 2013 2 comments i read somewhere and really don t remember where that the later part of the third trimester can be like a return to the first only larger and gruntier based on my experience of the last couple of weeks i d say that s pretty spot on i have never felt more attractive than when trying to tie my shoes these days meow but another feeling has set in and it isn t just pervasive nausea it s a sadness a regret the knowledge that i am already forgetting my first experiences of this baby s life that i will never be able to remember the experience of growing a human with any accuracy at all i will forget if i haven t already the way that first trimester shaped up the cherry blossoms that were blooming on 1st avenue after the appointment where we had the first ultrasound the one that confirmed the viability of what i already knew to be a fact to be real i knew it was a fact from the second it was a fact and if i m right this baby will be here a week before the due date as in four weeks from now i will forget how tired i was falling asleep sitting up after work sometimes even before finishing dinner i will forget the different ways my skin has felt dry or tingling or now stretched tighter than i would have thought possible no stretchmarks yet but i m not counting those chickens until we hatch i will forget the first tiny flutters that i didn t recognize as quickening i love that word quickening in this context it wasn t any of the other feelings the books suggest it might feel like gas or little bubbles it was certainly a feeling i d never imagined or felt before but neither did it feel like another person kicking me the kicks and hiccups and rolls and pushes and stretches were the most unimaginable part of pregnancy before experiencing them weight gain nausea appetite loss appetite gain sore feet sore back sore everything those were imaginable and manageable and really nothing much to notice i ve had it easy compared with pretty much every other pregnant lady i ve talked to but these flutters and rolls and lately lurches are something else terrifying in their realness surprising in their strength i will forget the evening probably when i was washing dishes and looked down at my growing belly and saw it move a surprise lurch after which i marched into the living room and got andrew s attention and pulled my shirt up crying out look at this it is moving i will forget the weekend afternoon during fashion week when i have to entertain myself for a few weeks without much of anderw s presence when i was lying on the couch with a book resting on my belly and the little one kicked hard enough that the book slid to the floor september 2013 the first time my baby disapproved of my reading choices october 2013 perhaps it was october 10 or 12 the first time we annoyed each other the baby and i it poked a foot up under my stomach right in the center sharp and aggressive enough to see an outline i lightly pushed that foot back because hey i m working and i had a glimpse of the future as the kicker responded by simply poking somewhere else slightly to my right so i lightly pushed that foot back again and we played chase around my belly as i imagined that little one rolling his her eyes in 12 or 13 or 14 years because i am just so annoying sorry baby but i have to work or else we don t eat or have nice things the baby the baby the baby in a way it s all there is and all there has been for the last several months my thickening body setting off every old alarm in my crazy head the ultrasounds where we see the face developing the hands the feet the tiny tiny feet that one ultrasound in august when we got to watch a bout of hiccups the very sensation of someone inside you having hiccups the way andrew and i curl together at night my belly between us and the little one takes a turn kicking him in the kidneys and he laughs or smiles or just puts his hand on my skin and we are a family and that s unreal all of this is incredibly rich and i have been inattentive i have had my head down powering through an experience i will probably here s hoping never have again and experience that should have been shaping my life and my brain because after a few more weeks there is going to be another human in the world a tiny human and i m going to be so responsible for it and someday it might ask about what it was like before it was born and i ll have so little to grasp at other than you were perfect from the second you came into existence and then that child will laugh at me but i will never be able to explain the strange beauty of having someone grown inside you i shouldn t even try 2 comments posted in pregnancy self congratulation is the path to something else posted on september 11 2013 2 comments just a couple of weeks ago i congratulated myself on being someone who has not really sprained or broken any limbs or appendages as an adult i was a very active klutz as a child so i was in a cast of some kind almost yearly between third and eighth grades but it has been a long time since i sprained something and all those folks who have to walk around new york in air casts or with crutches do not make me jealous so it goes without saying that something was going to happen since i actually took the time to be mildly pleased about this and that something happened last night at port authority bus terminal in manhattan at the tail end of rush hour while i was waiting for raven to meet me so we could go home together i had come from the gym which yes i am still doing at 30 weeks pregnant the boys who work at the gym are absolutely adorable about it since they are about 25 and just can t wait to meet the baby i doubt i will actually take the baby to the gym but who knows one of them asked me if i ve come up with names yet and the other one has wanted repeated explanations of why we chose to not find out whether it s going to be a boy or a girl it gives me a serious case of the cutes so i was wearing my gym pants and sneakers carrying a giant bag of clothes and maybe feeling a little woozy or dehydrated when i walked up to the gate to see if raven was waiting for me he wasn t so i headed back down the stairs and just sort of missed the last few my eyes told me i was stepping down to the main floor but my body learned that i was stepping into space and i landed with my left foot rolled very firmly into a wrong position and fell to the floor not a single person even glanced my way and i made myself stand up again maybe i didn t really hurt it i told myself even as nausea started welling up my vision was turning gray as i started breathing faster and my ears felt full of cotton it can t be very bad i told myself i am standing up even as i thought that the room seemed farther and farther away as i stopped being able to hear at all if my brain serves at all i was staggering in a small circle at that point trying not to throw up i came to almost immediately after i fell again hearing myself make a strange squawking noise through cotton filled ears i was convinced for a moment that i had my headphones in since everything was still so muffled and far away i tried to pull them out to no avail since they were attached to my ipod which was in my bag and nowhere near my ears i had passed out entirely on the floor of port authority and not a single person seemed to notice no one looked my way or seemed to think anything of it perhaps i looked crazy half leaning against the wall as i tried to get my breath back and perhaps they wrote it off for that reason but if i had ever imagined passing out while third trimester pregnant in a busy bus terminal i would have also imagined at least one person saying are you ok or even being overly solicitous and trying to stay with me until raven arrived don t get me wrong for my own self i am glad that didn t happen i don t do well with strangers getting involved in my business and what would they have done anyway but ask questions that i was too nauseated to answer i could tell it wasn t broken again i have some experience with injuring myself so there wasn t any need for a doctor or anything at all other than the all consuming wish i had to be at home right now without the 45 minute bus ride and a third of a mile walk between be and my front door i tend to get thick skinned in times of crisis so i found it a little shocking how much mental whining there was i wanted a hug i wanted a hand i wanted someone to hand me an ice pack i texted raven i think i sprained my ankle and then gave up trying to stand and sat on the floor of the bus terminal my back against a wall that smelled like cigarette butts a few minutes later i saw him across the passage stepping into the deli across the way for i imagined a bottle of water or some such he came out empty handed and was clearly surprised when he saw me sitting on a public floor i guess you didn t get my text he hadn t but everything he did after that was perfect he went back to the deli and got ice which we made into a makeshift ice pack he helped me up the stairs and carried my bag and it was nearly the first time in my life that i have felt taken care of in the wake of something unpleasant i have never let anyone take care of me but the life transitions of the last year and the last seven months particularly as i have less energy and freedom than at any previous point in my life seem to have shifted something in my brain i may let someone take care of me and it may even work out for the best there are occasions apparently where the whole human race doesn t let you down who knew 2 comments posted in self involved tagged injury married life pregnancy silliness testing the water posted on september 3 2013 4 comments i am caramelizing onions and baking double chocolate cookies as i type this my house smells weird how s that for a reintroduction oh internet i ve been absent i know that s been my story for lo these many moons but apparently i am sticking to it it s not the way i want to be but i have rearranged my energy and blogging and knitting fell right out the window they probably landed on someone s car and now i m responsible for som...
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