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records and donor sperm transferred to a new clinic the end kept getting postponed and now here we are it s the first week of kindergarten and i m raw with grief i can t even begin to explain to the well meaning mom standing next to me that the tears she d just witnessed moments earlier partly have to do with the fact that there won t be a second one that my son is my one and only that as he walked away from me into the school i was impacted by the enormity of this milestone not only because it s the first time but also because it s the last as i struggle to relate to this other parent it occurs to me that it s much easier to be out in my life as a queer mom than as a woman with secondary infertility i had no qualms clarifying to this individual that amanda is my partner and that my son has two moms but secondary infertility like primary infertility and pregnancy loss is such a private personal struggle an unrecognized unspoken grief i wasn t even going to begin to go there with a virtual stranger to fellow mothers who ve never given their fertility a second thought women like me are invisible to women with primary fertility my pain is often misunderstood at least you have one and yes i feel truly blessed to have my son in fact now more than ever but this does not diminish the anguish i m experiencing after the countless attempts to conceive after subjecting myself to escalating interventions that have left nothing but financial debt and an incredible physical toll on my body after three years of a hellish rollercoaster ride lurching me and amanda at break neck speed from hope to despair and back again up and down up and down with both the peaks and the valleys progressively plummeting with each crushing disappointment until finally we ve been forced to jump off before we completely crash as i stand there stricken in the school ground it also occurs to me that i m seeing everything through the grey lens of my infertility at the moment which is not only why my son s transition into kindergarten seems so heightened but also why a casual exchange with another parent can make me instantly irritated and vulnerable it explains why i bristled so intensely at said parent s earlier comments and assumptions about birthmothers because while my tell tale tears had nothing to do with being my son s birthmother they also had everything to do with being his birthmother and the fact that i will never get pregnant and give birth again so in this painful moment as the mother of my son s first new friend at school has just told me that the transition into kindergarten is less painful with one s second child i simply take a deep breath and muster a smile that s what i ve heard i say carefully choosing words that both speak to my truth but don t fully out me just yet praying that she doesn t notice me blinking back tears a second time posted in grief and loss heterosexism kindergarten out in the world school secondary infertility uncategorized tagged kindergarten motherhood queer parenting secondary infertility 10 comments rainbow k posted on october 24 2012 by queermommy guess what my brand new kindergartener announces monsieur l is a man he s practically shouting at my back as we pedal home from school together his black and yellow trail a bike hitched behind my norco hybrid this is where he likes to do his daily after school debriefing and i m left fighting to understand him over the wind and the traffic but today i hear him loud and clear his kindergarten teacher is a man big news for a not quite five year old with two moms whose other caregivers and authority figures to date preschool teachers fine arts instructors coaches and babysitters have all happened to be women the funny thing is my son has been in monsieur l s class for over a week already guess he s been so busy adjusting to the daunting new routines of big kid school that the enormity of my teacher s male just like me is only just sinking in my son already loves his dynamic young teacher he s so funny he relays to family friends and relatives who ve all been peppering him with questions about how kindergarten s going he wore a green bucket on his head because he thought it was a hat and the next day he came to school in pink bunny ears meanwhile amanda and i breathe a shared sigh of relief as any parent will tell you the transition into kindergarten is a big one it s vast reaffirms a queer friend of mine whose own children are now grown it s like when you look at their baby feet and you realize that someday they re going to use those feet to walk away from you the first day of kindergarten feels like that and sure enough as we first entered the classroom together my son holding hands with both moms i felt a pang inside a strange mix of excitement pride and wrenching grief i didn t actually tear up until the next day when i had to say goodbye to him in the line up outside and then stand back as he filed into the school with the rest of his class his growing feet taking steps away from me already right before he was swallowed by the massive door he turned back and blew me a kiss my sweet boy i blinked back my tears and blew one back loving him with my whole heart and missing him already another queer mom had forewarned me that kindergarten hardens our sons and in that moment i found myself praying that this wouldn t happen anytime soon there s no formal pre k program here in bc so kindergarten literally marks a child s entry into the school system where they ll spent the next twelve years of their young lives amanda and i were all too aware that my son was moving from the safe cocoon of the preschool he d attended three mornings a week with fourteen other kids to an all day program at the neighbourhood french immersion school with over seven hundred students he s so ready his preschool teachers had reassured us in the spring but like most parents we wondered and worried about how it was going to go can he handle the gruelling all day schedule we asked ourselves will he make new friends will he listen to the teacher will he eat anything for lunch my son is not yet five one of the youngest in his cohort he still struggles with snaps zippers and shoelaces yet he s already as tall as your average six year old will people expect too much of him will he be able to hold his own on the playground will he play nicely with others will others play nicely with him essentially we were rehashing the same kinds of concerns we d had when he d first started preschool revamped for this brand new age and stage at play dates and kids birthday parties over the summer it s all parents could talk about are you ready for kindergarten i for one longed for the summer to stretch on forever my son may have been ready for kindergarten but i sure wasn t as queer parents there s always that additional niggling worry how will our family be received by the school and most importantly how will our gentle sensitive trusting boy continue to grow and make his way in a world that doesn t always smile kindly on queer families we d been dismayed to receive a five page welcome to kindergarten form from the school over the summer along with my son s assignment to monsieur l s class name of mother the form asked off the top name of father amanda took a deep breath crossed out father and penned in mother here we go we thought welcome to the next twelve years of tirelessly advocating for our right to exist as a family and while we were excited by the possibility of our son having his first male teacher we were also left wondering what kind of a man is monsieur l let s just hope he s the kind of man who s open to a family headed by lesbian moms amanda noted grimly on the first day of school we were greeted at the door of my son s classroom with a warm bonjour from a bright eyed young teacher so far so good moments later as monsieur l enthusiastically welcomed his new students and the gathered group of parents something caught my eye in the corner of the class i did a double take could it really be a small rainbow flag was sticking out of the pencil holder on monsieur l s desk i nudged amanda not only are queer families welcome here but oh my goddess he bats for our team monsieur l organized short interviews with all the parents that first week when amanda and i went in to meet him one of the first things out of his mouth was an apology for the welcome to kindergarten form thank you for crossing out father he said that really helped when i raised the issue with our principal at the staff meeting this week amanda and i exchanged a glance our small action had already made a difference these forms have been used by the school for a long time he went on and they no longer reflect the reality of our student population i told the principal i can t believe this form was distributed to families in my class of all classes he went on to say that he does a unit on diversity with his students every year and gets his male partner to come in and talk to the class we couldn t believe our luck in fact we feel like we ve won the lottery a month and a half in now our son still skips into to school every morning eager to see what new and wonderful things monsieur l has in store a teacher who can get kids excited and motivated about learning is worth their weight in gold a strong male role model for a boy with two moms is a huge bonus and an openly queer teacher who not only welcomes but champions our family what a spoil of riches i cannot think of a better start to kindergarten and to our relationship with the school system posted in gender heterosexism kindergarten out in the world parenting role models school uncategorized tagged kindergarten motherhood queer parenting school school system teachers 4 comments mother s day musings posted on may 12 2012 by queermommy my mom s first mother s day was particularly memorable as it was the day she first became a mother she laboured through the night and i popped out bright and early at 7 22 am that sunday morning just in time for her to be showered with mother s day greetings along with congratulations on my arrival her 27 th mother s day was equally memorable as it marks the occasion where i in a horrible lapse of judgement came out to her for the first time i d been out in my life on the coast for years it had reached the critical point where if i wanted an authentic adult relationship with my parents i had to tell them i was queer i was only passing through my hometown for a few days and wanted to break the news early enough in the visit to give us time to talk it through needless to say my timing wasn t as impeccable as on that very first mother s day nor was my announcement greeted with the same joy as my happy arrival into the world i d actually given my coming out a lot of angst ridden thought and after weighing the multitude of pros and cons had naively concluded that doing it on mother s day wouldn t be such a big deal my mother who d grown up in england had always downplayed the significance of mother s day along with all the other north american hallmark holidays it s just another day she d say as we showered her with flowers and cards you really don t need to make such a fuss until the year i dropped the lesbian bomb not only did i destroy her life as she knew it by turning out queer but i d completely ruined her mother s day she was so upset that she retreated into her garden for days tending to her flowers and barely talking to me for the rest of the visit every time i approached she d dissolve into tears live and learn hallmark holidays do matter no matter what she says i ve spent every mother s day since overcompensating for my cringe worthy twenty something faux pas one of the reasons my mom was so devastated by my coming out i later found out through the family grapevine was that she assumed it meant i wasn t going to have children of my own she was so looking forward to having grandchildren my aunt relayed sadly to her own kids as she processed the latest family tragedy which actually wasn t such a tragedy to my savvy adult cousins who says sara s not having kids two sets of ovaries two wombs being a lesbian actually doubles her chances of becoming a mom my aunt was totally floored it s amazing what you can do with modern reproductive technologies one of my cousins went on my aunt s eyes widened as she scrambled to process this was a bold new world that she and my mother had never before considered i d actually tried to reassure my mom that day i first came out to her i still want to have kids i d insisted i ve always wanted to have kids and that hasn t changed at the time this upset her even more i don t know if she didn t believe me didn t want to go there or was just too overwhelmed by my newly announced queerness to really hear me luckily my entire family has since come around to a place of acceptance the process took years my mother couldn t even bring herself to mention my sexuality for almost a decade by the time i met amanda the first girlfriend that my mom actually liked and got engaged it was no longer to possible for her to dismiss my queerness as a passing phase our wedding ceremony marked a seismic shift for both my parents seeing me and my beloved up there warmly supported by our gathered family and friends declaring our love and commitment to one another in the same way that straight people do finally seemed to make them get it that we were a couple like any other and that this was love end of story my mom hadn t lost a daughter after all in fact she d gained a daughter in law my son s arrival a year later sealed the deal i d finally given her the grandchild she d so badly wanted the one she d given up on that mother s day so many years ago the fact that he had two moms and was conceived with donor sperm no longer mattered we were a family my own first mother s day was also memorable my birthday happened to land on sunday again that year meaning there was much to celebrate another year older after a year full of exciting changes birthday cake intermingled with family celebrations as amanda and i jointly marked our first mother s day as new moms there was something extra special about sharing that first mother s day with a partner as well as the ones that followed it gave us a wonderful pause in that crazy busy first year an opportunity to stop grumbling about sleep deprivation lack of couple time and all the other myriad of complaints that pepper life with a newborn and instead reflect together on the miracle of our son s birth and growing little family we marvelled at how much had changed in our lives in such a short time and how we d both been challenged to stretch and grow in positive ways in our new role as parents that first mother s day also marked something for me personally a happy reminder of the bridges i d been able to rebuild with my own mother by becoming a queer mom i was amazed by the power of my small son an ambassador of the next generati...
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