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ionships anyway as one of my partners says this has been thinking on the outside with your extrovert introvert ttfn ms syren tags d s kink open relationships polyam polyamoury relationships thinky comment u is for understanding filed under poly polyamoury thinky 2 comments october 25 2025 strictly speaking this doesn t totally fit with my notice pleasure project but i m going with it anyway in mid september so a while ago i got myself hooked up with a low cost therapy program where i can see a therapist in training think practicum every two weeks at a rate i can actually afford the goal with this is to help me get more comfortable navigating conflict with my loved ones and to develop more skills around self advocacy but i think it will probably also help me get out of the overthinking frozen oh no what if headspace i often land in around sex stuff too where do i start with this one okay you know emily nagoski s book come as you are the part where she talks about the horrible rat discotheque that played iggy pop really loudly and had random flashing lights and zero predictability how the rats in that high stress situation responded to every new stimulus even the ones they would normally be super into with augh what the fuck is this but the rats who were in the incredibly comfortable and comforting situation responded to every new stimulus including the one they normally wouldn t like at all with curiosity and interest like ooo what s this that s me i m the rat in the experiment not literally but you know know what i mean we re all the rat in the experiment when we re freaked out overwhelmed and stressed we respond to things as though they re threats or problems even when they aren t i spent two weeks recently working a lot of overtime at my new job when my partners would do things like offer me lunch or ask how i m doing or otherwise try to take care of their stressed out partner i had to actively stop myself from snapping at them because i was responding to their care as though it was one more bloody thing demanding my attention when i didn t have attention to spare i was responding to their care as a threat so if i react to conflict arguments heated discussions disagreements where nobody gives ground in my relationships by experiencing a lot of stress it s going to be harder to even get through the argument because my nervous system is telling me that my people are threats to me whereas how you get through an argument is my being curious and open hearted with each other and not reacting to the people you care about and who care about you as though you can t trust them i think the term that applies here is conflict intimacy like how do you have a fight or a fight with people so that you trust each other more so that you can disagree argue and continue feeling comfortable and close with each other now my therapist is not a very experienced therapist i knew that going in so i m looking at this as something more like i get someone to talk to like just i spent all morning crying on the bus because the world is so full of suffering and cruelty levels of someone to talk to and i get a personal growth accountability buddy if i can put it that way hopefully i ll also learn some stuff about myself and about how to navigate the situations i want to get better at navigating right now just to pull this back to u is for understanding i m trying to get a better understanding of a why i get so emotionally messed up during an argument even when it s not an argument i m personally part of and b what i can do physically somatic stuff to help myself stay present and stay feeling safe let s say even if i don t feel comfortable when i m having conflict with a partner or with my mom or what have you my notice pleasure practice is just a thing where i take a second to pay attention to what feels good for and in my body i m wondering if when i m having an argument or when i m in a situation where i m otherwise feeling really defensive i can incorporate some of that kind of noticing into picking up on safety like my robe is really soft or the floor is not literally crumbling right now it s holding me up just fine just making a point of letting my body pick up on the fact that even though i feel like i m possibly going to die there isn t actually sabre toothed tiger involved in this or that situation of conflict i figure it s worth a shot we ll see if it helps notice pleasure the fuzz of her hair the way she and she and she all fit into the circle of my arms in different ways the relief of lying down supported by a good mattress the heat from the heated mattress pad seeping into my aching hips foot rubs the loosening in my body that happens when i get to laugh freely with my girls cuddles and hugs soft warm blankets hot soup warming up my insides kisses the mix of hot sun and cool breeze on my face and hands cool but not cold evening air on a patio sipping a not that heavy cocktail that tastes like a mocha milkshake sourdough fresh out of the oven slathered in butter the smell of camphor the way our bodies fit together when we curl up to sleep tags all about me long term relationships notice pleasure relationships therapy comment three girls in collar reflections on dominance filed under all about me d s poly polyamoury thinky 1 comment october 10 2025 i ve been a mommy for many years now my anniversary with my babygirl was actually just a couple of days ago seven years together on october 8 and i ve been marmalady for nearly a decade and a half but it was only about two years ago that i landed myself a self identified service dog it s been really neat seeing how these different dynamics play out how we do what we do or try to figure out what what we do even is as each relationship has grown and changed over time i keep thinking of raven kaldera in i think dear raven and joshua but i could be wrong talking about how styles of dominance exist on a spectrum that could be described as having rockstar at one end and parent at the other in the sense that some d types love having people for that and being able to let their s types do what they do best and take care of things and also of their d types while others love being in control of all the details making sure their s types do what they re supposed to be doing and making things happen obviously everybody has a mixture of these two extremes if you can call them extremes and every dynamic is going to bring out different elements in a given domme but i find the descriptions to be really useful in terms of thinking about how i do dominance it has to be said i think i ve been falling down on the job on a lot of fronts i m lucky in that my service dog really enjoys doing things like reminding me to take my vitamins because i find that i m exhausted and distracted a lot of the time and the controlling end of my own dominance spectrum has never been particularly strong sure show me you re loving it and i ll happily have my way with you be a sexual top even plan a series of themed activities show me that you want to run errands for me and i ll take full advantage of your interests and desires but i mostly live at the luxury rockstar end of the spectrum even as mommy i love that all three of my girls take turns making me breakfast i love that my service dog makes a point of reminding me to do things like eat lunch and take my vitamins every day i love having a skilled leather worker and general contractor on staff to replace our janky appliances with less janky ones and keep my ancestral leather coat it was my dad s and various boots in good repair i love having a little girl who enjoys reading aloud to me i love having multiple people who are willing to chauffeur my non driving ass around town part of me is embarrassed at how much help i need from three entire people no less to just take proper care of myself the other part of me is so grateful that these constant elements of my own mental load have been taken on by others who are willing to poke at me about them and that i have people in my life who are willing to pamper and take care of me it s amazing and i m realizing how much my own brain goes into a not great form of overdrive when i m trying to plan something for one or another of my girls in particular having a couple of my girls respectively take the lead on scenes in rapid succession i m not going to go into details too bad for you but they served to show me that a mixture of a some kind of rejection sensitivity or just boring old fear of rejection and b my very bad habit of overthinking everything has meant that i routinely find myself overwhelmed at the thought of planning and initiating a scene but if someone else hits the metaphorical start button i m happy to take over once we get going i know the title of this post said reflections on dominance and i ll get back to that shortly but i do want to veer slightly into reflections on bdsm topping for a second so shibari i love knitting i love hand spinning up until about four months ago i owned a small but serviceable loom now happily ensconced chez the ottawa spinners and weavers guild fyi i m excited to explore tablet weaving over the course of the coming winter you would think that i would be all over rope topping and yet i balk and balk and balk at learning this stuff even knowing that chances are good the majority of my partners maybe even all of them would be into getting tied up and i think i finally figured out why you can t low key start tying somebody up the way you can low key give someone an experimental nip on the neck to see if a thing they typically enjoy happens to be something they re into today you not only have to put in the days weeks months of practice to get good enough at it to make it fun you also have to pull the rope out and ask you in and then deal with the dread just me okay of having your person go from willing victim to bored annoyed and mentally making a grocery list while you fumble with bights and hitches and stopper knots all terms that i had to look up in order to even write this sentence and maybe get it wrong like i am generally i think pretty solid on we re doing this to have fun and learning new things is good and everybody starts somewhere but wow do those old stereotypes about dommes being stoic pillars of knowledge and skill really start getting loud when the possibility of a partner being bored starts rearing its head apparently fifteen years of being the boss in a variety of forms doesn t preclude one from being afraid of a bad review so to speak but i said i d get back to reflecting on dominance for a long time i ve thought of the big domme energy that i want to embody as being the queen of wands sexy confident and glamourous in charge without micro managing or becoming the stereotype of a never satisfied drill sergeant creative generous and warm sometimes i m able to pull all of this off but frequently i feel like the domme energy i m giving is i m exhausted and distracted and would like to disengage from everything svp i know i m still a domme i know i still enjoy being handed the reins invited to do what i want or to tell someone else to do what i want in a given context i know i like being able to solve a problem or kiss something better i like taking good care of my personal people and encouraging their personal growth i know i still very obviously enjoy being waited on hand and foot and having my personal people take good and luxurious care of me and i still appreciate being given the time space and support to pursue my own personal growth creative projects and so on thanks to my personal people taking on elements of my mental load household tasks and all the rest of it none the less the disengaged exhausted distracted situation feels neither very dominant nor even very present and i can put that down to all sorts of stuff stress or burnout or being overwhelmed by the increasing horrors but at the end of the day i have to ask myself what i m going to do about that so what am i going to do about that one thing i can do is to actually ask for help i can ask my personal people to initiate things that they want right then whether that s offering to read to me or rub my feet laying out toys in the bedroom asking for a slap or a trip to the playground or just enthusiastically kissing my neck so that i don t stymie myself and make things difficult for us by falling into the aforementioned overthinking trap along the same lines i can also ask my personal people for suggestions on what specific things make them feel held or what they d enjoy so that i have a mental list of options you know a bit like those yes no maybe lists that are in every 101 book but less about s m and more about control and belonging to pick from maybe more importantly i can also ask myself that same question if one of my personal people was looking for things that would help me feel large and in charge what would i say being served a meal or even a cup of tea with both intention and attention having someone apply my hair dye or paint my toesnails for me receiving the kind of massage where all i have to do is feel better rather than get turned on and toppy someone using their skills especially but not exclusively skills that i ve encouraged them to cultivate to make me something special someone making the arrangements for a night on the town or a weekend trip because they know that hotel hunting stresses me out or because they already know what i like and can plan an evening within that having someone tailor an outdoor or just physical activity to my level being my spotter at the outdoor workout park taking me for a hike and building in a tonne of rest stops without acting or appearing impatient when i need to make use of them arranging a trip to a scenic trail and packing a fancy snack for the half way point basically i get to be a princess while also getting some exercise someone offering to clean my house for me and thanking me for the opportunity to do so having my chair pulled out for me doing a dynamic themed activity e g playing fetch with my dog having my horse collect me from a modeling poetry gig on the iron horse of her motorcycle making cookies with my babygirl but also being the lead in a slow or not even that slow and simple partner dance and having my follow actually follow having the practical logistics of a trip taken care of so that i m free to plan the fun stuff to site a non sm example on the third day we shall go whale watching you re driving be ready to leave at 8am reading aloud to my personal person from a book i ve picked out and want to share and having them give me their full attention even if they don t know they ll like the book yet planning a fancy dinner out for me and one of my s types where i pick out the clothes that she ll wear order for both of us and set the mood or at least the stage for after the fact in advance giving my personal person a task that is largely for their own benefit an...
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