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description= AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.;
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k it in and puff up my chest to look better i tried to tell her that when you look like this you gotten do something when you re standing next to ll but she was afraid that if one of my shirt buttons gave out from the pressure it would take out an eye i can always count on her to call out my ridiculousness but i guess can t really be mad at her though since i do constantly write about when she shit on a cat on a pretty regular basis too bad she wasn t pretty regular that day on my own i look normal size next to him i m shrunken even further i guess trying to suck in and puff myself up was pretty ridiculous and he might as well have been seven feet tall standing next to me i mean come on even his hands are gigantic each palm is the size of my head for god s sake i was like hey can i get a picture and i m sure he was thinking dude you need more than a picture how about a gym membership you know i wrote a fitness book right you read that shit yet bro ok so maybe it s all in my head and he wasn t really thinking any of that but until ll tells me differently i m going with it i mean look at the size of his hands even they re jacked up one summer during fat camp i went to the mall with my crazy cousin as we were riding up the escalator i pointed at her and for no particular reason shouted out oh my god is that ll cool j i thought it was hilarious because full disclosure my cousin is a fat white girl obvi not ll not cool and certainly not j if she had one her celebrity name would be ll chubb k but who am i to throw stones needless to say the ladies riding the escalator opposite us when i screamed weren t fooled before they scowled at me and said is he an asshole or what and i m not actually sure if they were asking me or my cousin but i ll concede that it was a fair question look ll cool j seems like a really awesome guy but in real life i could never actually be friends with him i d feel like i constantly needed to try and suck in my stomach or stand up taller and i couldn t dare eat anything in front of him you think he s eating mounds of white rice every day like me i don t believe that man has eaten a carb since the clinton administration that s a lot of pressure and this fat body just can t take that kind of stress or hard work so we ll keep it just like it is hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading the sea was angry that day my friends my costanza moment finally arrived april 30 2018 april 30 2018 www immodiumabuser com 15 comments i normally try not to drag my wife into my crazy stories on here but this time i just couldn t resist we went away to celebrate her birthday without the kids for the very first time since they were born and it had the makings of a fantastic getaway that is until the universe pulled out an ironic twist of fate to remind me that i am costanza lord of the idiots let s be honest this has been the worst winter in a long time and she d been so looking forward to getting away to the beach that i was afraid she might make a run for it and swim out to join ariel the second she saw it as we parked and walked through the sand there was no one around when i say there was no one around i mean it was deserted obviously early april isn t beach weather but it was finally a really nice day after a long crappy streak of dismal days and wasn t too cold to be down by the water so we were surprised to find it empty as it turned out and we d later discover there was a small group of other people but i ll circle back to them in a minute my wife loves the beach and was so excited to see the ocean so as soon as we arrived we went straight there she s part mermaid and was born and raised on the ocean whereas i ve been hiding in the shade my whole life like a vampire the beach isn t something i particularly care for come on you re literally sitting in dirt but since it was her birthday and my wife stays home raising our kids and working one hundred times harder than i ever do at my job i was determined not to spoil it for her little did i know what we were in for as we walked down through the sand i could see the sheer joy on my wife s face and her big smile was so contagious that i just looked at her sheer happiness and thought what could be better than this then i stopped and squinted trying to make sense of the sight in front of us i was squinting and confused until i realized and gasped because i thought i was hallucinating what the fuck is that i shouted and she stopped dead in her tracks i couldn t tell if it was a tree trunk washed ashore until i saw it moving but right there sprawled out before us was not the kissed by a rose dude that snubbed me a few months ago but an actual living breathing seal we thought he might be out there sunning himself at first but from the noises and restricted movements it was making we could tell it was in pain we were shocked to see it but even more shocked to see the group of mennonite women playing ball next to it as if it were part of the game forgive me for not staying current on all the games these kids are playing now but common sense should take over and tell you not to put your slam ball or you corn hole that close to a dying seal it was like they were waiting for him to tap in and play i couldn t tell for certain if they were amish or mennonites or the cast of the handmaid s tale out there in that garb but what i could tell is that they were definitely idiots we were like did you guys call the police and they were like for what it was almost like a hidden camera how because there s no way they didn t notice it it was right then that i knew that i d have to be the marine biologist on the shore that day my whole life had been working towards this moment and i was determined to fulfill my costanza destiny and save that seal i rolled up my sleeves and went marching over to lend a hand when i heard the voice of wisdom from above do not touch that seal it actually wasn t divine intervention but my wife reminding me not to get too close to an animal in pain i was convinced he just needed to get back into the water and she looked at me like i was crazy and said what do you think there s an underwater emergency room down there do they have seal band aids and nurses to take care of him it obviously needs medical attention leave it alone she s seen one episode of national geographic and all of a sudden she s an expert but in all seriousness it would be very cool if they had seal band aids with either the animal on them or the kissed by a rose singer we agreed to disagree as i was convinced that all that poor seal needed was just a push to get it rolling back into the water but quickly reminded myself that this is exactly what happened to buster bluth on arrested development when the seal bit off his hand also not the kissed by a rose singer but an actual live seal not wanting a hook for a hand since it limits my halloween costume choices i looked around for a branch or piece of wood to gently press under him to start rolling him into the water when the po po arrived from one professional offering courtesy to another professional i went over to update the officer and explain my strategy for assisting the seal when he stopped me mid sentence and said do not touch that seal do you understand what i m saying obviously he was very sensitive about who was actually in charge of the situation but i didn t want to start a fight so i deferred and let him have this one also that was a big seal and i knew i wasn t strong enough to roll his fat ass back into the water alone and no one was looking to assist me my favorite part was how he was looking at me like i was the crazy one yet the cult ten feet away still hadn t stopped their game to pay any mind to him or the seal it was as if there were vegas odds and they stood to make a fortune the way they were so wrapped up in that game two experts conferring on the scene he called animal control to pick up the seal and i left feeling satisfied that my job here was done i actually did a double take and started looking around for the cameras because i was absolutely convinced we had just stumbled onto the set of the next season of arrested development my wife on the other hand said she d been to the beach thousands of times in her life and here i come rolling into the sand and it s a shit show after that i just kept repeating the sea was angry that day my friends and we did have a really nice weekend despite the seal and the cult members sometimes all you need is to seal the deal early and you ll have a nice time after that it s kind of ironic that this happened and my facebook profile is actually this meme i put up back in december for my sister s birthday hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays roma downey touched by an imodium angel april 25 2018 april 25 2018 www immodiumabuser com 8 comments as if a heavenly vision on a gorgeous morning roma downey stepped out from her car and she was beaming she s one of those people you see that just instantly makes you smile some people have that natural glow around them very similar to the way my forehead glistens because of the mixture of sweat and how thin my hair is but she was something else entirely it was as if she emerged out of a rainbow because she looked stunning and absolutely could not have been sweeter she stopped and chatted with every person there while signing autographs and taking pictures with anyone that asked that s rare as most people of some notoriety kinda just rush through to get inside i m not one to tempt the fate of the heavens by talking smack about an actual angel or even a charlie s angel for that matter but does anyone else find it ironic that she produced a miniseries called a d the bible continues and then afterwards she comes face to face with the imodium ad king himself talk about the universe sending what you ve asked for apparently the sky s the limit with roma told you she glows we snapped a picture and i looked at my phone to see how it came out only to find a random woman photo bombing the picture i hadn t seen her when taking it and didn t even realize the words had come out of my mouth until i heard myself say is this woman kidding what s wrong with her why would she stand there and do that she s taking up half the picture with photo bomber now a mature adult would have been happy to get any picture at all and just shut the hell up or just crop the damn woman out but not me roma looked at me and the picture and then turned around to the bomber and said in a voice so sweet it was as if it were a slice of pie from waitress honey move over he s trying to take a picture of us without photo bomber i almost died because the photo bomber who i m pretty sure was her assistant because they went into nbc together after that then promptly looked at us and stepped aside roma turned to me and said let s take it again with a huge smile and then we took a better picture i was almost too embarrassed to take snap another one since i had acted like such an ass but who am i to turn a downey roma also i was afraid the assistant would go all hong kong phooey on me the second roma turned away how nice is she that even when i m acting like a compete ass and cannot shut my mouth for even a second she s still so sweet and kind she literally is an angel and i ll hear nothing to the contrary about that from anyone hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays marie osmond dee snider she s a little bit country he s a little bit rock and roll april 10 2018 april 10 2018 www immodiumabuser com 5 comments they don t call me eagle eye for nothing ok no one calls me eagle eye but i d really like people to start since i ve been stalking celebrities i ve run into a few people that i didn t recognize but not this time the door opened and there she was marie osmond i was walking up to ask for a photo as my buddy asked who it was what i was thinking to myself who doesn t know marie osmond but then i remembered that i didn t know who n o r e was until i was literally fondling his thumb so i guess it happens marie could not have been more gracious unlike the gentleman my friend chris mistook for freddie highmore the good doctor who was not as friendly as he could have been she snapped pictures with everyone and told more than a few people how cute she thought they were full disclosure i was actually not one of the men she said was cute which reminded me of what my mother told me when i asked as a young man if i was good looking you re funny your looks don t matter i m still not sure if that was a compliment or not but i guess it was a nicer way of saying no thank god my kids are cute like my wife and funny like me they ve got best of both worlds i d put up a poll on here to measure my cuteness level but i feel like my fragile ego is right on the brink anyway so i ll spare you feel free to light up the comments section below with just how cute you think i am as she was entering the building my buddy looked back at her car and said is that donny osmond still in there no i snapped back that man is tiny like a little peanut elderly and more importantly he s asian have you ever actually seen donny osmond needless to say donny wasn t rocking the sidewalk like his big sister on the opposite end of the spectrum is dee snider lead singer of twisted sister as a person that grew up with a really twisted sister constantly singing i wanna rock over and over again i feel like i can really relate so it was awesome to meet him the car pulled up and all of a sudden he just popped out right in front of us and we asked to take a picture he stopped and said what sounded like no but he was standing there smiling so it was a little off putting and i paused i was surprised that he had said no since it was only three of us there and it would have just taken a minute and also he stopped why would he stop if he didn t want to do it i was just about to start singing his classic song we re not gonna take it but then he said it again go i laughed and said sorry i thought you said no which made him laugh and he said it did sound like no didn t it come on he was really very cool and a friendly dude he s starring in rocktopia on broadway until april 15th so get out and go see it hey yenta tell your friends share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email tweet print opens in new window print share on tumblr like loading celebrituesdays i missed out on dan but got to meet roseanne march 28 2018 march 28 2018 www immodiumab...
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