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y sipping crown coke eating thanksgiving leftovers watching a chick flick with my sister and i m happy i really am but there s still that uncomfortable ache that grapefruit sized knot in the pit of my stomach and i toy with the idea of texting the ex several years ago when the ex and i were still just friends i did something to hurt his feelings we didn t talk for several weeks not until the night before thanksgiving i had decided to stay in and watch christmas movies i was near the end of watching little women when he text to see if i would wanted some extra sweet potato casserole he d just made he wanted to bring me a peace offering this year the night before thanksgiving involved getting out late from work an argument with my sister and prepping for my own sweet potato casserole i cried as i peeled each one there s something about the holidays the memories we wrap around the simplest of activities the way moving forward pulls us bak and back and ties us to days we can t get back watching the parade reminded me of carefree thanksgiving mornings at my grandma s roasting turkey of the first thanksgiving my friends and i shared together and peeling sweet potatoes of a sweet man who loved me before i loved him this holiday was beautiful don t get me wrong i was pleasantly surprised to spend a quiet afternoon with my mom s family on thanksgiving followed by time with my dad s family on friday there was lots of good food contagious laughter fun crafts youtube video sharing the absence of old traditions made room for new which was good it really was but still i miss the old posted in uncategorized tagged holidays love relationships thanksgiving nov 29 breaking up is hard to do posted by livingisaprocess 3 there s no easy way to end a 2 1 2 year relationship still i woke about a week ago the morning after a hard fight and somehow i knew that s where we were heading the fight was nothing special nothing more than had been fought about many times before but as i came soon realize it was a symptom of bigger problems i met b a year before we started dating he was a regular at the coffee shop where i served as a barista and had just returned from a trip to spain he travelled alone partying on the beaches and running with the bulls i could tell he liked me immediately i invited him for tea on my porch and he wooed me with coffee and conversation at the gallery where i worked he was a friend to me but nothing more it was nearly a year before my heart started to change my dad was very ill and in the hospital and b reached out to me offered to take me to dinner i knew if i went to him i could let my guard down and be held but still i held out for another couple months finally i knew i was in all the way and told him i would like to start dating we did immediately i moved in about 5 months later and we began to explore new territory we were entertained by playing fetch with the cat and enjoyed playing yahtzee we had tickle wars and told each other stories about our days he tolerated me moving and re moving and re moving the furniture until it felt just right and i tolerated his incessant sharing of random trivia and any other kind of special knowledge he had and every morning i would be greeted with a sweet good morning beautiful we went through many seasons together seasons as a couple and seasons of ourselves we began to explore different facets of ourselves he started a business and bought a duplex to renovate and eventually rent and i made a couple different job changes eventually daring to start exploring yoga and natural health everynight we shared stories about our day and everyday we grew and changed and not always in the same ways still our love grew and deepened and i found myself making concessions about my future perhaps this was simply how relationships were you had choices in life and every choice meant something else you willingly gave up and i would because i deeply loved him and he deeply loved me we were in foreign territory still that fight a week ago began to shake things up i spent the weekend with a sense of impending doom that we were in the throws of breaking up nothing was wrong really at least not overtly we had just traveled to a friend s wedding the weekend before and we was an incredibly helpful and giving person encouraging me and preparing food for us and my friends driving and lending his car we hiked and laughed and snuggled at night i felt truly blessed to have him by my side but something had shifted and while i couldn t name any reason why i knew we were nearing the end finally i broached the subject sunday night and the only thing i could come up with to describe what was happening was this i think we re at the end of our road together i expected anger defensiveness arguments instead he nodded and all my reserves broke the tears that had been coming for a couple days came flooding forward he was agreeing with me we were acknowledging that the differences were too great that there were pieces of the puzzle that just didn t fit and never would we loved each other dearly but we were breaking up i saw tears well up in his eyes and he moved forward to hold me we wept and told jokes and laughed and wept some more it is the strangest thing being able to share everything with a partner even the grief of the end as the week began i made a game plan for moving out i would get a storage unit secure a place to stay for a bit until i could find a suitable apartment then i would live by myself for awhile try to rest recouperate begin again by tuesday my plan had me in fits and i began to wonder if we d made the right decision was it too late to change our minds was i forcing something because i was scared of moving forward and so on i was staying at the house until i could finish moving and when i got home he was there he was gentle and soft and i found myself being held by him wondering outloud if we were doing the right thing like the sensible partner he always was he reminded me of the differences of our paths the things he wanted and didn t want the things i desperately did i stayed with him that night and the other 2 that followed as we went to bed last night my last in the house he pulled me close and to my surprise began to cry it was our last night together how long did you spend wanting to date me i asked and how long did i spend wanting to marry you and look at where we are i m so sorry it didn t work out was all he could reply these are the things i ll miss the little moments before we went to bed or when we woke up in the morning the sweet quiet moments that only the people in the relationship can know or understand the moments that know one else is privy to where you feel completely understood by another human being where you feel connected beyond explanation i look at the pictures of our earlier todays together the bright fresh love in our eyes idealistic love that hoped beyond hope that love could conquer all and i look at the love he have now so powerful and strong that it could set the other free this morning he helped me pack up the last little bits of things and hugged me good bye just like we have done for the last 2 1 2 years no there s no easy way to end a relationship of that length and width and depth but there was something very special about this one no anger no hatred just love all the way up to the end and for that i am grateful all you need is love is a lie cause we had enough and we still said good bye now we re tired battered fighters and it stings when it s nobody s fault cause there s nothing to blame at the drop of your name it s only the air you took and the breath you left split screen sadness by john mayer posted in love relationships tagged break up endings hope john mayer love relationships split screen sadness nov 14 layer by layer posted by livingisaprocess 3 money has been tight in these parts lately like really tight on top of paying for yoga teacher training i ve been working less hours so i can actually attend class and focus on homework and not feel completely stressed out all the time the only thing is my spending has stayed the same i ve insisted on my daily coffee fix a soy latte made with a delicious helping of honey an expensive indulgent choice feeling the strain and stress of too much going on i ve stopped at the taco place or yats or other take out place because i just didn t have the energy to cook i ve bought clothes on credit because i got a killer coupon in my email and spent more at target than i ve had budgeted for 2 months i believe in living simply in sacrificing stuff for chasing dreams in doing without so you can pursue a higher calling i just don t believe enough to actually do it a couple weeks ago i woke in the middle of the night in a panic i decided to try meditating and calming my breath to see if this would help sometimes i am able to feel relaxed enough after meditation to go back to sleep it didn t i was still wide awake so i reached for our yoga homework and began to read about suffering her general argument was simple most of our suffering is not born of the circumstances around us that is pain yes but suffering results from our own attachment to the circumstance slowly but surely the lights began to go on upstairs and i began to realize without judgment that i am the author of my own suffering at least in the area of money if i do not have enough it is not because i am the victim of not being paid enough or of my poor decision making re student loans but because i spend more than i make plain and simple i am unwilling to deny myself pleasure to take care of business a couple weeks ago one of our instructors for teacher training mentioned that regular steady practice helps bring behavioral and thought patterns to the surface only by encountering ourselves in a similar situation over and over again do you begin to see what we so often try to hide behind busyness and noise so here i am in one of the most stable places in my life great relationship living in the same place for nearly 2 years same job for almost a year and these money issues are surfacing clear and bright for so long i ve believed that money was only an issue when i wasn t making as much on more than one occasion in the past i ve gotten tangled up in money issues quit everything i was doing and took on a more responsible job to help heal the finances once they were in better shape i considered myself better but the truth is the problems were always there i just had more money therefore more margin but the problems were always there the new challenge is to continue ignoring the issue or accept the invitation before me the invitation to learn from this challenge the invitation to accept my limitations embrace them find a way to let them go and try on new patterns of behavior and so layer by layer i come to see myself in a much clearer light posted in uncategorized nov 04 yoga teacher training week 1 an invitation to a spiritual life posted by livingisaprocess 1 whether we seek something called spirituality holiness or enlightenment the route to it is through our humanness complete with our strengths and our weaknesses our successes and our failures you might say that we use ourselves to discover ourselves judith lasater about 3 years ago i walked out of and away from the christian church i had a very clear directive from above to let go follow my own inner wisdom and be free it was as if chains had been cut and i could not only walk in freedom i felt like i was flying i no longer felt suppressed or oppressed or any of the other pressed s i stopped worrying about what god or christians thought of me and my decisions and started living actually living my own life ever since i was a child i was a devout student of christianity i knew the stories backwards and forwards could quote the bible at a turn wondered and sought and journaled about the divine specifically in the form of jesus and gobbled up spiritual books like candy i knew how the writings of merton differed from those of st augustine and why anne lamott was such a revolutionary i enjoyed my time of study and seeking but when i left the church i left that all behind i was burned out exhausted emotionally spiritually bankrupt and i just needed a sincere space to rest and just be still even as i wrestled with my anger toward the church and my frustration with spirituality as i had known it i found that the only and rare times i was able to pray was during my practice i didn t often know who i was directing my prayers with as god had become a faceless distant character and my prayers didn t look like they once had instead of large questions and appeals they became statements instead of asking for peace for myself or someone i loved i simply repeated the statement over and over as i moved through the poses and movements somewhere deep down i knew i would need to nurture my spiritual self but could only find myself capable of doing that when practicing yoga prior to leaving the church i engaged in a 9 month spiritual journey through my church in which i d done a lot of deconstructing we dug deep into the structure of all we d been taught to believe about being christians and examined the very fabric of our creations all that deconstruction i know eventually set me free from the constructs i had been operating in as yoga teacher training approached i began to sense the time had come to rebuild our first gathering class time was last tuesday and one of the first questions we had to answer was which area of your life do you sense is needing the most attention at this time intellectual social emotional physical and or spiritual ding ding ding i ll take spiritual for 200 alex there is something about standing on this precipice having avoided it for nearly 3 years and having been hurt and wounded by spiritual people for the nearly 25 years prior to that i ve been hesitant to proceed it is as if i ve been standing on the edge of cliff knowing i ll have to eventually take the leap and all i can utter is fuck fuck fuck fuck then i open my homework assignment and start reading living your yoga by judith lasater and chapter one is titled spiritual seeking shit how did i get here how did this once curious open hearted child get so jaded and scared how do i open my heart to the vastness of all that is beyond how do i allow myself the possibility of experiencing spirituality beyond the confines of religion and namely christianity these have been my true week 1 homework questions and i have a feeling i will spend the next 20 weeks and the many years after trying to answer them posted in uncategorized sep 08 a lesson in detoxing posted by livingisaprocess 0 as i mentioned in my last post i just completed a five day detox that means that for the last five days i ve moved very intentionally when it came to food i woke up early to prepare my meals had a list of nourishing options at my disposal knew what my day would consist of and stayed...
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