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every annoying motherfucker on the internet i can be as big a grammar nazi as anybody but one of the things that makes engaging with the average idiot online is this very thing it isn t so much that they disagree with me that s the problem it s that they have this intellectually dishonest habit of focusing on trivialities and expecting you to waste your time with every tiny quibble they have while they ignore the actual issue at hand shut up you re being captious wha it means you re wasting time pointing out trivial things ah so you you re acknowledging that i have attention to detail no i m saying you re an annoying rick and a waste of time now shut the fuck up before i defenestrate you thanks word of the day 1 comment filed under language tagged as language august 6 2013 6 33 pm the four worst communication errors you can make i ve had some truly frustrating communications failures this week so i thought i d compile a list of things you shouldn t do because the internet loves lists and you shouldn t do these things unless you want to piss me off probably other people too but other people didn t really figure into my thinking i just get really pissed off when people do these things to me 1 when you re asked a yes no question don t waffle on with some rubbish that is neither yes nor no are you coming out with us tonight or not well i m just reading this article then i have to make a phone call and there was a show i wanted to watch so fucking what does that mean yes or no 2 when you re asked for more information with an open question don t give a yes no answer where were you when we were having a meeting no what no i wasn t at the meeting i know that what was the reason yes what yes there was a reason just piss off 3 don t give an answer that doesn t help with the question even if your answer is factually correct if it isn t actually answering the question it s useless does anybody know a good mexican restaurant near melbourne there s a chinese place in sydney i really like what s that got to do with a mexican place in melbourne i don t like mexican food fuck off 4 when someone is using abstractions or giving an illustrative example don t obsess about taking it literally this would be like if we were going to have a roast lamb dinner bought all the ingredients but didn t have an oven to cook it in i m a vegetarian what i can t eat the flesh of a lamb corpse i m a vegetarian we re not really having lamb you should plan to roast the flesh of murdered animals without consulting with the group you shouldn t ever eat anything i offer you because it will have poison in it so whether it s a professional setting a social setting or communicating in a relationship try to avoid these mistake i know i m not the only one driven crazy by them as a bonus here s an old video abusing another type of person i can t stand being in a discussion with the factard this is the sort of person who insists on derailing a conversation with a point that may be factually true but adds absolutely nothing to the conversation and stops others from communicating in any meaningful way i have no idea what this is an analogy for i made it up it s an illustrative example of an illustrative example it s example ception don t think about it too long it will asplode you brain 2 comments filed under general angriness language tagged as answering the question illustrative example november 5 2007 9 33 pm how to speak oz lesson one with the melbourne as one gathering for youtubers fast approaching december 1st for those who need reminding i find myself with a lot to do i m answering questions still hopeful of securing some sponsorship organising events for the days and working with the burnet institute who are running the world aids day concert which is also on at federation square on the same day but i need to do more now that several people from overseas have confirmed the will be coming i have realised i need to help them with the local language many of them assume they will be ok because they think they speak english sadly some will find they only speak american which is not the same thing at all teaching these people to speak australian or strine as it is know to academics will not be an easy task but i am not daunted i will start with the basics and work up from there todays lesson covers two things visitors absolutely must know 5 comments filed under language video blogging tagged as as gathering melbourne one strine youtube january 25 2007 12 40 pm trigger words for mr angry did you ever notice how we all seem to have trigger words that can have a massive effect on our moods and responses i ve shared before how racists on youtube set me off by phrasing their bullshit with some variation of you have to agree that well no dickhead i don t have to agree with anything least of all the incoherent ramblings of an unintelligent insecure pathetic racist just before going on holidays i discovered another set of trigger words that will make me unleash my most vicious attacks upon the perpetrator namely don t say any variation of no offense but followed by something incredibly offensive unless you want to feel the full wrath of mr angry one of the last videos i made before going to nz was a response to a featured video on youtube i didn t post it here because there was really no context for it on this blog the video i responded to was part of a series called god inc that runs on the premise that heaven is really run like an office with all the bureaucracy and petty jealousies that suggests a bit of a depressing though really i did a response as some of my demonic characters because the idea popped into my head and it seemed to fit the video has been viewed over 20 000 times since i posted it average for me is a couple of hundred to a thousand views so it was certainly a success for me the thing is it was a rush job just before my holiday and the standard is honestly pretty bodgy even by my rather low standards and it got seen by thousands of dweebs who had never seen my stuff the first few comments were from my regulars who liked it but then the losers with nothing to offer the world but a fucked up opinion started as is my usual way i responded to nearly all of the comments partly to thank the positive partly to rip on the negative and partly because lots of comments gets you noticed on youtube the more obnoxious the comment the more obnoxious my reply the funny thing is i couldn t give a shit about these losers the fact that they feel compelled to spit out negativity when nobody is being negative towards them says way more about their pathetic lives than any insult i could deliver but i did save my worst bile for the one who said no offense but this vid sucked why the fuck do people say that before they say something offensive are they that fucking stupid that they think they aren t saying something offensive are they stupid enough to think saying no offense excuses the offense or are they so mind numbingly fucking stupid they don t even know the meaning of the words no offense i decided this putz needed a lesson so i responded in kind with the most offensive thing i could think of no offense but your mother fucks truck drivers for 50c a throw i suspect the irony of the response would be totally lost on him for those who want to see just how angry i can get the full list of comments can be seen here comments on re god inc 16 comments filed under language video blogging september 8 2006 11 59 am steve irwin germain greer and jack marx well the death of crocodile hunter steve irwin has generated hysterical mourning at a level not seen since princess diana had her last car drive this idea of getting really worked up over the death of someone you don t actually know has always made me a bit queasy irwin was a very interesting bloke who did some amazing work both in entertainment and conservation and his death was unfortunate and undeserved it was arguably only a matter of time until his rather dangerous lifestyle caught up with him but it s still a bummer that it happened then germaine greer decided to lob a hand grenade into the worldwide crowd of mourners with a newspaper column where she said among other things the animal world has finally taken its revenge on irwin she honestly didn t say anything too outrageous in the piece but her timing sucked to me it smacked of someone who is either utterly insensitive to the moods of others or someone who is so desperate for attention they do something that they know will generate a tsunami of negative attention for them negative attention is better than no attention for some people germaine being germaine she gladly went on a high rating tabloid current affairs tv show defending her view which guaranteed her nationwide vilification a day or so later jack marx put an insightful piece on his blog completely skewering the hypocrisy of the situation longer term readers may remember marx as the writer who russel crowe attempted to recruit as his inside man his mole in the world of journalism who would write positive stories about rusty particularly about his shudder music a job which i m still open for by the way rusty call me the relationship did not work out well for either of them although marx got an interesting if self serving article out of it one thing mr marx is not scared of is pissing people off and i d just like to round this off with the one piece of this whole circus that made me really angry irwin s producer held a press conference to give the details of what had happened in his statement he uttered one of the most egregious misuses of the term ironically it has been my misfortune to hear another topic regular readers will know is important to me he said i m paraphrasing because i can t find a transcript that irwin was filming for a show that would have been called something like ocean s deadliest creatures when he was killed ironically no being killed while filming world s deadliest anything is not ironic the title is bloody accurate it s apt the one thing it isn t is ironic it would be ironic if he was filming a show called world s cuddliest and friendliest animals and some cute fluffy bunny tore his throat out this is the real smear on steve irwin s legacy not anything germaine greer said i swear anyone who says to me isn t it ironic how steve irwin died is headed straight for intensive care 23 comments filed under general angriness language may 2 2006 12 23 pm isn t it ironic now any regular readers will know i have a bit of a thing about proper language usage and if you don t know that go read my archives are you back good as i was saying i think proper grammar word usage etc is important i even get a little worked up about it sometimes dare i say angry not as angry as some people like this chap who wrote this piece for mcsweeneys i read that when it was published back in 2003 and i ve never forgotten it way better grasp of the nuances of english than me funnier too and angrier one of the many things that has the capacity to make me angry is misuse of the term ironic i don t get too worked up because i m not too sure i always use it accurately the simplest dictionary definition is an expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning in other words the literal meaning of your words is the opposite of what you intend to convey but you also get into socratic irony and dramatic irony and it really gets complicated i actually did research for this piece besides reading mcsweeneys and found a piece via wikipedia that is both an excellent explanation of irony and a lot of fun to read it s much better researched than anything i could do and also funnier guardian article the final irony suffice to say people are almost always wrong when they say isn t that ironic more often it s simply a coincidence or bad luck for instance alanis morrisette s song ironic doesn t contain a single example of true irony is that ironic anyway believe it or not the whole reason that i started struggling with the proper use of irony was that i was thinking of george bush i am continually appalled at the shit he gets away with being a lefty i start from a default position that a right winger is going to piss me off but bush even betrays traditional republican values not that i m a fan of many traditional republican values but it freaks me out that he pisses all over their core tenets like fiscal responsibility and small government and all the while he has these rabid cheerleaders asserting he can do no wrong any pity the traditionalist who speaks up about this betrayal the goon squad are all over them branding them disloyal and unpatriotic you could be a dyed in the wool lifelong republican but if you question the glorious leader his slavering minions will rip you limb from limb and i get more than a little spaced at how quickly the baying mob can flip from championing a particular commentator to publicly eviscerating them because they dared to question bush not matter how self evident their observation is like ummmm he s a fuckwit to be fair i can t nominate a conservative who actually called bush a fuckwit i m reading between the lines but there are signs bush s most ardent supporters might ba about to turn on him it isn t about lying it isn t about screwing up iraq it isn t about encouraging torture it s about immigration bush seems like he s actually about to do something halfway decent regarding the millions of mainly mexican illegal immigrants in the us in an acknowledgement that the economy is essentially dependent on these workers he s trying to find a reasonable compromise and his base are turning on him over it so that s the point of this whole screed bush spends his whole tenure committing a seemingly endless cavalcade of incompetent and illegal acts and gets a free pass he attempts to do one halfway decent thing and his shrieking cheerleaders turn on him is that ironic 5 comments filed under language politics april 19 2006 1 55 pm the sad case of the abused language i ve posted before about how angry it makes me when people use the wrong words but today i m going for a variation on this theme i get equally angry when people misuse language whether through laziness stupidity or intent to deceive let me explain with an example how often have you heard someone say something along the lines of only a fraction of x end up with a successful y phrasing things like that is so damn lazy i want to shake people who talk about fractions with no further explanation or better still staple their mouth shut so they can t spout such meaningless crap any more or maybe a few quiet words would suffice like listen dickhead tell me what fraction or at least what sort of fraction 99 100 is a fraction unless you tell me otherwise i have no way of knowing whether the fraction you mean is closer to 1 100 or 99 100 at least provide some sort of qualifier less than 1 2 a small fraction a tiny fraction i d...
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