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sited countless times in years past my re calibrated gaze hovers just above the knee and i am constantly aware of the potential reach and speed of a curious toddler in motion i see the possibility of danger ancient stone stairs dubious bright red berries and destruction carefully cultivated moss paper lanterns arranged just so i see opportunities for learning and practice and play a pale moth fluttering from leaf to leaf a handful of pebbles a twig pulled across dirt i see a haven for rest or distraction when the festival activities overwhelm or bore but the most powerful and immediate aspect of this new perspective the view that came to me at that moment of my son s birth is a kind of deepened and pervasive empathy for and understanding of the universal human experience that season like cycle of impermanence turning in all our gardens and so as my son and i enter the temple and look on the faces of the people there i cannot help but see the child self in each adult i see the man and woman becoming in each child perhaps because to experience the miracle of new life is to also truly comprehend the inevitability of death i see the arc of lives and yes the enormousness of it is absolutely mind blowing it is stranger in fact than the buddha s magical origin story it is pure reality after my son and i partake in the day s festivities we return to the garden and my husband joins us in his long black robes as he produces the car keys from his sleeve one of the women calls after us urging us to wait she disappears briefly into the temple and then reappears striding along the path with a massive bouquet of fragrant white lilies in her arms for you for mother s day she says as she offers this gift to me my son bursts into giggles when he looks up and sees what i am now holding as if he s had some sudden and hilarious insight and i laugh because he is laughing at the sight of my child straining to reach the blossoms in my hands i am experiencing that first moment of motherhood all over again most people in japan consider the buddha s birthday to be april 8 but some celebrate on may 8 a version of this post originally appeared in mothering in the middle share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized may 08 oranges for the buddha posted by tracy franz 0 while living in our little semi urban house here in kumamoto japan we are often visited by one of the neighbor ladies bearing gifts of whatever is in season in her well tended garden in spring there are strawberries in summer eggplants and tomatoes in fall persimmons and squash in winter oranges these fruits and vegetables then sit before the buddha on our altar as an offering for a short while anyway before winding up in our kitchen to be duly prepared and then consumed by the family i ve always been struck by this neat little cycle of generosity neighbors sharing their bounty our family engaging in ritual at the altar my husband and i preparing meals in the kitchen and the four of us then eating in proxy for the buddha just as it s done in many households and monasteries throughout japan it s idyllic almost it s that last part where my genuine feeling of generosity too often breaks down and becomes complicated the fact is mealtimes with young children can be very very challenging lately with our children at ages 2 and 4 there have been variations on this experience it s saturday or maybe sunday it s been a work intensive week or two and i think gosh we ve been having a lot of hasty meals lately nutritious enough but not much pizazz i want to give my family something special today something that requires a little extra effort and so i manage to gather the ingredients at trendy and expensive foreign food shops let s say for a labor intensive vegetarian lasagna that the whole family has expressed delight over in the past i wash slice saute boil and season to perfection i add to this a salad various greens crumbled goat cheese pecan slivers sliced and pitted red grapes a homemade herbed dressing i toast thick slices of bread that i have baked myself smothered with butter and crushed garlic a bowl of oranges from the altar rounds out the visual appeal of the meal i dish up the food place the plates on the table and stand back to take in the full effect it is beautiful it smells wonderful the portions are age appropriate pleasingly colorful and arranged just so i know it will be delicious yes this is the meal that will make my family happy generous i think i m feeling so generous today a very good mama my beautiful and perfect family then tumbles into the dining room and my dream ends boy thought we were having pizza but you said it was a special dinner and he sits in his chair and begins to whimper at an increasingly higher pitch girl suddenly launches into a screaming tirade because her carefully cooled food appears to be steaming just a little boy then breaks into a full blown crying jag and both children refuse to eat my husband and i shout across the kitchen to each other in order to be heard trying not to let yet another ear splitting meal get to us i said do you want freshly ground pepper on your salad or not the end result of all of this of course is that not only do i not feel particularly generous during these moments i also feel kind of pissed i think hey i worked really hard for you all today and this is what i get whenever i arrive at this point this feeling of injustice i bring myself back to that zen ritual of generosity three oranges from a neighbor s garden placed on an altar hands held together in gassho a single bow that simple sense of i offer this and that is all there is no expectation in this practice how can there be obviously the buddha statue is not going to become animate leap up peel an orange and tear into a juicy wedge though boy that would be something nor is the statue going to reject it you know that it s just ritual and it s easy to be generous and have no expectation within those boundaries that s why it s such a wonderful starting point the challenge then is in sincerely bringing this view of no expectation to our dinner table glass shattering screams and all that is not to say of course that i do not want my children to be aware of the effects of their behavior i do want them to be thoughtful and polite to practice gratitude for the generosity of others but in order to convey this instruction to them skillfully as a parent i need to let go of my expectations i know i can t be as skillful from a place of anger and resentment by the end of the meal this time the children have at least said their thank yous and tasted the food tomorrow who knows they will probably request and then eat the leftovers and be truly truly upset when i explain that i cannot offer thirds because mama and papa ate that for their lunch already because it s just like that sometimes after dinner my children rush off and away to play somehow happy again i see that girl has marked her orange slices by inserting each into her mouth the withered edges and teeny tiny teeth prints give away her act of blessing and so i eat the mutilated oranges as i wash dishes feeling grateful for that fleeting sweetness it turns out that i am today s proxy for the buddha the cycle of generosity is complete a version of this post originally appeared in mothering in the middle share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized apr 30 now is your one last chance posted by tracy franz 3 the phrase ichi go ichi e literally one time one meeting is often described by japanese and westerners alike as carpe diem seize the day or if you prefer the pop culture version yolo i would argue however that though both the western and eastern phrases offer up a certain immediacy they engage very different worldviews like carpe diem ichi go ichi e does point directly to the present experience but it does so in a way that also includes another oft mistranslated japanese word natsukashii this adjective is said to mean nostalgic or good old in english but that does not quite capture its true value in japan a country that embraces mastery and emulation as its highest aesthetic so ichi go ichi e is not simply pay attention to now it is pay attention to now and rest in the awareness of all that has come before all of the causes and conditions that now culminate and come together in this present moment notice that this moment too will pass seize the day as it is often intended in american culture is a call to action in the present only with some attention to the fact that tomorrow may or may not be make the best use of this day take the opportunity do what you will because life is short partake enjoy ichi go ichi e in contrast centers on the understanding that this moment absolutely will not continue or be repeated it is lost forever to the truth of time in the martial arts a context in which the phrase is used often ichi go ichi e may seem particularly relevant in that what came before is past effort all of that work culminates in each moment every time a new effort is made thus there is no this is just practice this is your singular chance to get it right there is no future chance there is only now resting on all that came before whether or not the present effort actually produces perfection is irrelevant all is on the realization of the actor this is my one last chance every time tea ceremony where the japanese phrase originated is pregnant with constant and unmistakable reminders of impermanence seasonal artwork wabi sabi utensils and other invitations to reflect on transience so that the participants fully realize the theme of past present in one meeting one moment that theme resonates in encounter ichi go ichi e then is a call not to action but to perception and within this there is the potential for an ethical sensibility the reality of impermanence coupled with the influences of the past can beget a deep sense of connection to all it presents a basis of compassion for all beings we see how past action and inaction create this present moment and yes we also grasp the future implications of this karma the whole of the next moment will rest on the foundation of this present moment and on all that came before we witness and wonder about this in the faces of our children we know it in ourselves as parents as partners as friends as citizens of the world we feel the weight and the possibility of it for the whole of our brief lives now and now and now and now a version of this post originally appeared in mothering in the middle http www motheringinthemiddle com now one last chance vob2pzmrkx1 share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jan 01 the river posted by tracy franz 2 my daughter with a hand in each of my hands walks the tightrope in our backyard beneath her twelve inches of nothing and then hard earth i am certain i can catch her if she stumbles i am certain we have maybe twenty minutes before the rain comes i know because her hair like mine has already begun to curl we should go in soon i say fearless she laughs and falls back into my arms into air thick as water it is her fourth birthday the day she was born i lay on an operating table in japan when the doctor caught her cut her from me really and passed her to a nurse who briefly held that pink and bloodied flesh so that i could recognize the momentousness of what had been done and then she was taken away and there was only the look in the doctor s eyes that sudden focus of walking a tightrope and the thing he barked about cancelling all his appointments i could see my body cut open in the reflection of the lights organs like wet stones a glistening and foreign terrain i could see the clock on the wall it was not supposed to take this long my new daughter crying for the first time and my husband holding my hand holding me with his eyes it was not supposed to take this long the doctor s name kawakami the chinese characters for river and up it was not supposed to take this long how we are just a sum of parts and yet not how in the slow orbit of a second hand we exist and cease to exist how all we leave behind is our mark on others how we love and cannot keep what we love share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized jun 29 motherlode burning posted by tracy franz 4 one of my childhood homes the motherlode lodge burned down a few days ago it was an old landmark in alaska many no doubt have fond memories of visiting the building on the way to ski or hike or pick blueberries in the mountains of hatcher pass for me the destruction carries a certain complicated weight i was there only a year or so before my family went bankrupt and left but i remember some of that time vividly partially because i have a habit of collecting devastating memories but also hatcher pass was just so compelling to me after all we d moved from nome near the arctic circle a desolate place devoid of trees or mountains this new landscape was lush foreign and filled with the promise of new beginnings and maybe all of us were dazzled by the sight of fool s gold bright mica that was so abundant in the icy clear waters of the little susitna the river that tumbled from the mountains down into the valley below my mother and my then new stepfather a handsome second generation irishman from new jersey bought the lodge in order to fulfill his dream of running a real irish pub it was purchased with the entirety of my mother s retirement savings as well as a hefty chunk of borrowed money in the fall i started ms cavender s fourth grade class at sherrod elementary in palmer down in the mat su valley my classmates included penny...
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