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description= fiction & poetry by ian cusack;
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energy feeling tired and lacking motivation changes in sleep patterns insomnia or excessive sleep crashing out every night after work pretending you re under the covers while the central heating kicks in when you know you re hiding difficulty concentrating on a book or the telly no longer finding any enjoyment in news items about clowns who ve fallen victim to romantic scams from an on line tarot card reader i met on a cruise or idiots the size of a barrage balloon claiming they ve had to quit tik tok to avoid an eating disorder relapse then there s my changes in appetite when it comes to cooking proper meals a total loss of appetite but give me a massive bag of doritos and a vat of houmous then i ll show you what overeating looks like trouble focusing or remembering things needing to write a list of all the jobs you have to do jobs you used to put off until sunday rehanging the washing line cleaning the shower tidying the garden or the garage the very definition of jobs for sunday but you never get round to them or you lose the list telling you what to do in the first place or leave it in the post office when you finally send the sympathy card to a mate whose old fella dropped off the perch a month back and that makes you feel ever more shit you let people down always especially yourself constantly low or even no self esteem feelings of worthlessness guilt or self criticism self loathing when combined with a post session case of the fear keeping off the drink doesn t help either withdrawal from social activities making you feel isolated from friends you don t see and family you don t have these days on particularly lonely nights when sleep is elusive it gets morbid suicidal thoughts or ideation a detailed plan that involves how where and when drowning yourself off the pier at tynemouth a bottle of brandy down your neck in the early hours of desperate midweek night you could end it all because nobody cares about you and nobody would even notice except at work and that plan helps you sleep not well but at least you re out of it for a few hours of uneasy dreams waking in darkness and immediately having your mind flooded with obsessive thoughts about death or suicide a feeling of disappointment that the ticker didn t give out when you were snoring but a sense of reassurance that at least you have a foolproof way out of this misery shaking your head as you sit on the side of the empty bed as light spreads across the sky doesn t make the wish for oblivion go away it gets stronger as the day goes on as you know come evening you ll be back in that empty house with your empty life and empty heart uncategorized 0 comments july 13 2025 organic rawdoggers the ever excellent tangled lines has just published its 9th issue please buy it to aid in editor mike head s recovery from a recent op i ve got this poem in there look what the fuck what s happening i m a tree that s just put a cable on our boss why do you fancy a good chat oh i didn t do anything look what the fuck what s happening i m a tray that just puts cables on our boss what what what s going on hope i didn t do anything that s the one reform he told me about are you a fake was it true you re only a big one are you right uncategorized 0 comments may 24 2025 tabs i m honoures to have this piece in issue 11 of spinners in comparison to all the lads and lasses i grew up with i started smoking fairly late in adolescence back then 16 was the legal age to buy tabs and to my eternal shame i never broke the law but once i finally started aged 17 and a bit i got good at it pretty quickly without question the reason i took up the habit was seeing this one particular photo on the back of a velvet underground compilation album at a sixth form party in autumn 81 i d first heard the velvets two years before that when peel played waiting for the man which with venus in furs was on the b side of the 12 single of reed s solo effort street hassle the sound of cale morrison reed and tucker just blew me away blew my head right open to the possibilities of the standard rock band line up their work still does when i did the playlist for my 60th birthday party i made it the rule that there could only be one song per year and 1967 was represented by waiting for the man i bought the 12 the day after i d heard peel play it still have it more than 45 years later and in all that time i reckon i ve only flipped it over to street hassle the once but though i never really got into reed s solo stuff i made it my priority to get hold of the rest of the velvets catalogue pretty sharpish back in the day the banana album came first obviously then the beautiful third record which i still count as my favourite and live 69 with that incredible version of what goes on that is my number one velvets song no question all on successive weekends in the last months of the 70s i also picked up the cheap re release of live at max s kansas city and the massively underrated loaded with a legion of solid gold classics like oh sweet nuthin and train round the bend before completing my collection with white light white heat before easter 1980 and that was that as no serious velvets connoisseur has any time for squeeze which is effectively a doug yule solo album as i was a completist i didn t bother with the self titled polydor mid price compilation that i held before me in christine thompson s living room i reckon it was her older brother s copy to be honest on the night the clocks went back in october 1981 searching for some decent music on a night where soft cell s tainted love and duran duran s planet earth had been on heavy rotation for hours casting my eyes on that pic changed my habits my health and my finances for the next 25 years or thereabouts i inflicted the gift on the gathering and smiled as several courting couples untangled from the sofa and went for some fresh air when i heard her call my name kicked in they didn t come back the back cover shows a photo of lou reed with his right arm draped round sterling morrison the velvet i would have chosen to be other than dying at 50 of course and his left round mo tucker whose hideous right wing politics ohne standesbewusstein could make her a late in life poster girl for the economically inactive faragistes who want to make elswick great again in his right hand is a zippo lighter and in his left an open soft pack of full fat marlboro the same tabs peek out of the plaid shirt top pockets of both morrison and tucker at that point in my life i d never smoked a cigarette joints were a different matter of course as i saw the point of them but that one photo enticed me straight to marlboro country i was 17 having gone back to college to do my a levels after a shitty one year ytsas a store operative at dinning s wholesale electricals in gateshead the only money i had coming in was a 7 mornings and 5 evenings paper round at ralphie dixon s newsagent the pittance i was paid effectively less than the 26 50 i got on the yts once travel and board were discounted didn t provide me with enough dosh to keep myself in beer and records never mind tabs so i did what any reasonable person would have done in my position next morning i lifted a 200 carton of marlboro from the stock room and a couple of disposable lighters of course from such a standing start it took me a long time to learn how to inhale without spewing my guts up but i managed the knack by around christmas when i ran out of smokes i just helped myself to single packets from the shelves at ralphie s when the place was busy dixon was a moaning old shithouse with a big detached house up windy nook so it didn t trouble my conscience liberating him of a few packets here and there i had to be wise though never concentrate on one brand in particular so as to avoid suspicion if stocks ran low while marlboro were my tab of choice i also investigated dunhill rothmans b h as well as the more romantic seeming french and american brands like chesterfield lucky strike or gauloises on the rare occasions camel were on display i gorged myself on them though i regretted the accidental pocketing of a pack of non filters which had me talking like lee marvin for a few days the only brand i wouldn t touch were embassy as everyone from your granny to your boss to all the straights and radgies mods and skins soul boys and rude boys i d hated at school smoked regal or number 1s round our way and i wanted to stand out from the crowd hence also using a lighter from day 1 although i suppose the smell of matches has always made me want to throw up still does can t bear it once i left college and headed for leeds poly i had to ditch my job at ralphie s though i did take a final ceremonial sleeve of marlboro a nd one of gitanes for old time s sake on the day of my final shift never did question me about missing stock makes me regret not robbing the moaning old cunt blind after that i was on the old student grant like a giro it was green and got you pissed but it only arrived every 3 months in times of dire financial need i did what every impecunious sociology student did and turned to roll ups not run of the mill rubbish like golden virginia or old holborn but knock off dutch gear like drum or even gauloises bought in sturdy 50g plastic pouches in noisy pub back rooms or quiet corner shops all across the ls6 area i stuck with them for years mainly because they were cheap by the end i was down to about 5 a day on average with sundays and mondays being my non smoking days i had this vision of quitting when i turned 30 which i sort of managed to do despite lapses for the odd henry winterman slim panatella in fact i was almost smoke free until i found myself living in bratislava in september 1999 just turned 35 after life had thrown me one of those unpredictable curveballs you know how things are culture shock alienation you rely on your old mates beer and tabs about 25p a pint and ten bob for a box of smokes in the post velvet divorce days when you couldn t spend your wages as there was nothing to buy in the shops welcome back to marlboro country this time manufactured in kutná hora a town in the central bohemian region of the czech republic it has about 22 000 inhabitants their guidebook proudly tells you a factory for the production of tobacco products was founded in kutn á hora in 1812 and is located in the premises of the former cistercian monastery in sedlec in 1882 production of cigarettes began since 1992 the factory has been owned by philip morris čr a subsidiary of philip morris international in kutná hora the company employs more than 800 people mainly for the purpose of reducing my lungs to the size and colour of used tea bags honestly at that price it would have been rude not to and i was back up to a minimum 20 a day like a shot though i managed to calm it down after a while i moved back to england after a couple of years but still went back to bratislava for holidays following the abolition of duty free quotas and all that in those halcyon pre brexit days i was bringing home the stipulated 3 200 personal use allowance from my annual return trips to pals who d holed up in slovakia for good that was 160 packets or 16 sleeves for 80 100 enough for a whole year if i stuck to around 10 a day i knew the trans danubian economic stagnation and my respiratory system couldn t last forever the 2007 ban on smoking in pubs loomed large experts in smoking cessation always advised you to pick a day and stick to it so i did i smoked my last ever cigarette on saturday 30th june 2007 at around 11 30 at night then went cold turkey was it difficult christ it was tough i found i was dreaming about tabs and that my drinking in pubs immediately spiralled out of control as i had nothing to do with my hands instead of 4 pints on a quiet midweek night i was downing 6 in half the time and being escorted home before it got dark mental unsustainable after my birthday in august 2007 only 6 weeks after the ban i sacked off the drink until christmas basically to break the link between the two it worked as well from that moment onwards i have never touched a single tobacco product be it cigar cigarette roll up cigar or pipe nor have i been tempted to of course i went back to the beer partly because i love the taste but mainly because i love socialising being with people talking having a laugh sadly nicotine is back in my life ashamed though i am to say so vapes fucking vapes those stupid spangles flavoured kid s toys that the entire younger generation seems in thrall to for years i was utterly contemptuous of them mainly as anyone smoking them looks stupid but somehow i ve become weak and accepted the odd blast of one on a night out from whence a habit if not yet an addiction has spiralled and you know why they are curiously relaxing they calm me down empty my head of anger and anxiety ignore the ridiculous opal fruits taste and let that little hit of nicotine get to your brain it helps mellow me out and even though i refuse to get into debates about what are the best types and flavours with dullards in the shelters outside pubs i ve bought myself a load of unapproved disposable ones for fuck all they re in a small cardboard box in the spare room wardrobe and when they re gone they re gone uncategorized 0 comments february 25 2025 come to daddy i m honoured as ever to have this story included in the latest issue of spinners which i urge you to buy winter appalling rain sharpened wind confrontational cold flensing darkness a black blanket punctured by a thin strip light of yellow issuing from a waning gibbous moon half nine on a tuesday night in late january and there s no cunt about bar the west moor vigilantes fast friends who cemented their relationship over endless afternoons of fiscal failure in the bookies steve doyle fat cunt ex copper retired on health grounds cholesterol martin hogan bong eyed nonce pilfering postie whose access to an almost endless supply of readies was curtailed by lockdown and the attendant post cash economy rendering him puce faced with fury two self appointed securitate and the supposed moral guardians of the whole village and also the fields surrounding it every night shoehorned into doyle s dirty black kia sorento swaddled in their orange temu fleeces like a pair of fatsumas taking up strategic monitoring points at precise times in different locations engine idling at the roadside eyeballing anyone arriving unannounced on foot or by bicycle from benton forest hall or clousden hill show us your papers pricks pro bonum pricks last stop of the night before they hit spice world for their usual well earned large doner and fuck the vegetables with extra chilli sauce meatabix and mouthpaste supper parked up down the end of the clarty track leading from the football club to the allotments slow motion pan with their night vision binoculars on the static prowl for immoral behaviour or questionable conduct hogan s dog the wife he called her on...
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