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Text of the page (random words):
ranger who was in love with their daughter pick a card paste a stamp cards are stupid but it s what one does i hated every card i could find on the racks at my local cvs but starting from a blank page was more than i could manage i don t even remember what it said but at least there was no odious religion mostly it was an enclosure for something i typed out my handwriting is awful telling them who i was the friend who once worked at apple who helped them with my employee discounts that i am heartbroken at the loss that she was my best friend i gave them my contact info and asked if they might tell me anything at least about burial or cremation it s not knowing i think that makes this so fucking difficult for me to have her gone with only three words she passed away and nothing else i chose a disney stamp because i know disney was important to her family anything to earn goodwill i mailed it today it will be in florida in a day or two maybe by the weekend i do not know when or if it will be opened so i wait and hope i hear something text email call something i tell myself not to expect anything but the gaping hole where she used to be needs some little thing to fill it categories love tags grief longing love may 19 2025 may 19 2025 moronosphere_3alrq7 leave a comment i m obsessing over her i can t stop i can t stop thinking about her death i know next to nothing so i imagine scenarios each thing i imagine is horrifying i finally broke down and cried today real tears wracking sobs it did not help it did not make it feel any more real my mind won t construct a world without her in it mi keep looking for on twitter bsky or facebook i keep thinking there s been a mistake i miss her so fucking much i m useless i can t work can t sleep i m pretending i m ok because no one would understand i don t know how people cope with this i m undone by it i feel like this will destroy me and i kind of want it to oblivion sounds better than hole she left at the center of me updated may 19 2025 categories uncategorized tags death grief love i resent the way you make me like myself may 16 2025 may 25 2025 karl elvis leave a comment when we talked the first time she quoted or sang a line from mike doughty s song rising sign i ve seen the dangers of your rising sign but i swear i d like to drink the fuel straight from your lighter it s all inside the wrist it s all inside the way you time it i resent the way you make me like myself she said it was how she felt when we started an email dialog she mailed me about a story i wrote which she d been asked to approve for publication on a site she managed she read it with low expectations but when she mailed me it was with entirely something else i d made her feel something both as a writer and as a person which she hadn t expected i got to her inside the armor an arrow to the heart feeling we exchanged a dozen or more emails over a couple of days and then she said she had to stop that it d gone too far already not sexually but emotionally she d gone from liking my writing to liking me to something something more than just liking which she wasn t ready to have happen i m good at this i backed up told her i could stay in safe territory but i liked her and didn t want to stop talking the dialog was too good to just end that was it my knowing how to stay outside a boundary allowed her to extend then retract certain self protections by honoring the boundary i removed it she wanted to call me then she was a phone girl always phone first writing second she d done voice work for a living did for many years i looked forward to a call even though i m not a phone guy she was too funny too clever i knew a call would be fun i expected a tough broad voice not the velvet teen seductress i heard on the phone not that she was young but she had what i always think of as an is your mother home voice the one where callers always used to assume you re the kid even when you re a grown adult her name was pam if you knew her you may have known her with some other name she went by pj only friends and family knew that she made me awkward at first i liked her so much i was afraid i d say something stupid or start to take the conversation in a dirty direction though as it turned out that would never ever have been a problem she quoted the line from rising sign then told me that s how my writing made her feel my nerves jump like a boiling pan like a skillet full of oil spits rattling on the burner when i stumble onto the thought of the match you lit and dropped and set the dial to slow yearn can i spell it out should i spell it out i d asked her earlier in email about those strange places that are unexpected erogenous zones she d said the inside of her wrist the line from mike s song it s all inside the wrist was where her brain started down that track connected the song to me and my writing it s all inside the wrist it made me want to touch her hands to kiss her palms i still want that that was 25 years ago that first conversation our email exchange started in late november 2003 i still have those emails saved every one three days later that first phone call by the middle of december she had my heart and i had hers both of us knowing that was forever no matter that she lived 3000 miles from me and that for far to many reasons to write here she couldn t ever meet face to face it turns out that forever meant 7571 days she passed away of some surgical complication i have no details of on april 20 2025 that s how long she loved me how long i ll love her is a number tallied only when i am in the ground so we don t know how long my forever will be the story that started this a novella about a girl who was unattainable a man whose desire was so intense it almost killed him and in the end did kill her and and an ache that will never go away was written before i met her that novella and the girl at the heart of it was named wanton because i had a dream where i met a girl with that name a year or two ago i re wrote much of that story but there s one more change it needs now which i ll make as soon as i can do it without tears it will be a dedication for pj you will always be my wanton updated may 25 2025 categories love uncategorized find me in the sky january 16 2025 karl elvis leave a comment ok auto post to bsky seems like it works though i don t think it s inserting a link to my blog post yet for the 0 5 of people who may actually still follow this blog what s wrong with you i m mostly done with twitter for obvious reasons and am more active now on bsky which so far seems to have it s head screwed on correctly at least as far as not being run by an insane far right fascist that just got autocorrect ted to racist which is also true karlelvis bsky social if you want to come find me meanwhile if i m not writing i need to be playing guitar instead of vaguely avoiding both things categories blogosphere moronosphere no titles no time january 16 2025 january 16 2025 karl elvis leave a comment i keep telling myself i ll post here more but that requires hell i dunno something i can t seem to sit still long enough anymore to string more sentences together than would fit in an original lenghth tweet add to that well let s not start on politics yet shall we i might wind up on a watchlist in any case this is really just a test post to see if a new bsky plugin works but test test test is so fucking boring maybe i ll have more to say what tomorrow i have ideas for things i just can t sit still moronosphere updated january 16 2025 categories blogosphere uncategorized gin and kisses october 30 2024 october 30 2024 karl elvis leave a comment i went to leave a comment on a post by the lovely bree leto https secretthoughtswithin com but she has comments turned off alas but i thought i d say here what i would have said there i used to drink a lot of gin particularly with one friend i wrote in this blog and elsewhere about gin about martinis about sex i have a line in my novella and again the piece bree posted made me think of this and about the taste of non on someone s lips my line was when i kissed her her mouth tasted of gin she d tossed one back was sipping another she looked fucking good in a towel i kissed her realized i d never seen her naked kissed her again i m not usually a gin guy but she tasted amazing bree s piece is below it s beautiful you should check out her blog it s all beautiful gin kiss with gin on my tongue i head off to find you because my body remembers it s better when my skin is on yours and your hands tangle in my hair as you taste me come join me on the bed change my breathing and watch my flushed cheeks fade as i fall asleep naked beside you bree leto updated october 30 2024 categories booze sex writing yeah sure soon october 30 2024 october 30 2024 karl elvis 1 comment i keep trying to come back and update good fuckin intentions and all that it s weird how i seem to be doing almost nothing and yet feel busier than ever dogs guitars home health mumble mumble more coming i swear because why even have this thing if i don t write adhd is a hell of a thing how did i cope with it so well for so many years without even knowing i was doing so at least i look good updated october 30 2024 categories destination unknown moronosphere uncategorized semi yearly what the hell am i doing post february 22 2024 karl elvis leave a comment i used to write every day or at least try to write every day i used to strive to keep up with if not everything in my life in a classic journal sense at least or major events and strongly held opinions today i have to look back and thing where the fuck was i since i can t even begin to remember which upheaval i was in the middle of last time i put virtual pen to virtual paper checking back i find it was july of last year when last i updated so that would have been just after i left my employer of 23 years under technically voluntary if not exactly positive circumstances wow a lifetime ago kind of and hardly any time at all i m not gonna spend of bunch of time catching up but at least a little bit is appropriate i think i spent last summer acting retired some travel some projects some just not doing anytyhing in a good way my dogs loved this if they got a vote i d just be a full time dog cuddler with excursions to the beach regularly and i d be ok with that by fall i decided i needed more time to effectively plan retirement so causally thougyt about going back to work i uplaoded a fresh resume on linked and wow isn t linkedin stupid almost immediately i got contacted by a recruiter major social media company who also have a sideline in vr gear i interviewed once for 1 2 hour and then was offered a full time contract gig what i do is specialized fortunately and it s hard for companies to find people with the mix of skills i have a combination of it hpc batch queuing engineering management and user support went back to work the first week of december honestly it s been incredibly gratifying to have a company value my skills and experience my last employer utterly failed to see what i m good at despite be being great at it but instead focused only on what i wasn t good at and which i officially didn t do given my job description there s a reason people hate big corporations corporations are fucking stupid meanwhile over the summer and fall and now winter i made up for lost time in terms of getting tattooed i ve kind of lost count of the appts but recreating two pieces on my calves four on my chest i m now at the gap filler point on my chest just finding things to put in small open spaces three on my neck one on the insides of my fingers l a s t c a l l finished up a long ago started piece on my stomach a big piece on my side and probably at least one more i m forgetting i ll have to put together a big post separately with an inventory of all that but too much headache right now and i need somebody to take photos for me it s too hard to do myself even with a selfie stand with ring light meanwhile i m gradually re imposing order on my life which has been a long long process and will continue to be a long process forward motion is everything though categories uncategorized balance later july 22 2023 karl elvis leave a comment it s been a weird year how long has it been since it hasn t i don t know that i remember that far back hst once said it never got weird enough for me i once would have agreed with that sentiment but honestly these last few years i m it being weird weird isn t as much fun as it used to be in the last year i ve seen such fun things as being threatened with job termination because of a disability accommodation request and then all the rigamarole surrounding fighting over that winning the battle over termination only to be punch fucked with a followup threat of termination for under performance ie no matter how good you are we want you to be a different kind of good finding out my adult daughter had a severe drinking problem and having to sort that out rehab in an ongoing process opting to leave my employer of 23 years when it became obvious i was at an impasse with my management s view of what i was supposed to be dealing with my diabetes and the side effects of a new medication that tends to make me feel really ill but which has induced significant weight loss beginning a job hunt at 61 years of age in an industry that favors the young cheap and over educated asking myself if i really want to be doing this or iof i want to re set and figure out how to live a different lifestyle for whatever years are left to me weird as i said this ain t all bad though certainly there s bad in there after leaving my job june 1 i ve done a few things put off for years while i struggled with family issues tried desperately to be effective at work and generally put myself second or third in priority pre pandemic i had accumulated a long list of tattoos i wanted to get starting with finally tattooing my neck that all got kiboshed by pandemic but since i have time now i ve finally started to get that moving including tattoos on neck collar bone and calves i m basically filling in spaces at this point while getting ready to do a couple big pieces at 61 after a 40 lb weight loss i m finding my skin is finally showing age so i feel a ticking clock on how much longer i ll feel like tattoos will look good there are already spots that no longer feel tattoo friendly losing weight at 60 is also weird so i m hoping to interconnect a lot of smaller pieces with fill in things this post won t have pictures but i ll follow up with them i ve got two appts on the books now and as soon as i can schedule travel several more by tattooists in so cal i ve also spent a great deal of time getting organized this includes hacking through years of accumulated stuff a family that tends toward hoarding present a physical challenge but i m finally winning that i ve consolidated two stores spaces into one and finally have my garage back ...
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