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someone to talk to like just i spent all morning crying on the bus because the world is so full of suffering and cruelty levels of someone to talk to and i get a personal growth accountability buddy if i can put it that way hopefully i ll also learn some stuff about myself and about how to navigate the situations i want to get better at navigating right now just to pull this back to u is for understanding i m trying to get a better understanding of a why i get so emotionally messed up during an argument even when it s not an argument i m personally part of and b what i can do physically somatic stuff to help myself stay present and stay feeling safe let s say even if i don t feel comfortable when i m having conflict with a partner or with my mom or what have you my notice pleasure practice is just a thing where i take a second to pay attention to what feels good for and in my body i m wondering if when i m having an argument or when i m in a situation where i m otherwise feeling really defensive i can incorporate some of that kind of noticing into picking up on safety like my robe is really soft or the floor is not literally crumbling right now it s holding me up just fine just making a point of letting my body pick up on the fact that even though i feel like i m possibly going to die there isn t actually sabre toothed tiger involved in this or that situation of conflict i figure it s worth a shot we ll see if it helps notice pleasure the fuzz of her hair the way she and she and she all fit into the circle of my arms in different ways the relief of lying down supported by a good mattress the heat from the heated mattress pad seeping into my aching hips foot rubs the loosening in my body that happens when i get to laugh freely with my girls cuddles and hugs soft warm blankets hot soup warming up my insides kisses the mix of hot sun and cool breeze on my face and hands cool but not cold evening air on a patio sipping a not that heavy cocktail that tastes like a mocha milkshake sourdough fresh out of the oven slathered in butter the smell of camphor the way our bodies fit together when we curl up to sleep tags all about me long term relationships notice pleasure relationships therapy comment three girls in collar reflections on dominance filed under all about me d s poly polyamoury thinky 1 comment october 10 2025 i ve been a mommy for many years now my anniversary with my babygirl was actually just a couple of days ago seven years together on october 8 and i ve been marmalady for nearly a decade and a half but it was only about two years ago that i landed myself a self identified service dog it s been really neat seeing how these different dynamics play out how we do what we do or try to figure out what what we do even is as each relationship has grown and changed over time i keep thinking of raven kaldera in i think dear raven and joshua but i could be wrong talking about how styles of dominance exist on a spectrum that could be described as having rockstar at one end and parent at the other in the sense that some d types love having people for that and being able to let their s types do what they do best and take care of things and also of their d types while others love being in control of all the details making sure their s types do what they re supposed to be doing and making things happen obviously everybody has a mixture of these two extremes if you can call them extremes and every dynamic is going to bring out different elements in a given domme but i find the descriptions to be really useful in terms of thinking about how i do dominance it has to be said i think i ve been falling down on the job on a lot of fronts i m lucky in that my service dog really enjoys doing things like reminding me to take my vitamins because i find that i m exhausted and distracted a lot of the time and the controlling end of my own dominance spectrum has never been particularly strong sure show me you re loving it and i ll happily have my way with you be a sexual top even plan a series of themed activities show me that you want to run errands for me and i ll take full advantage of your interests and desires but i mostly live at the luxury rockstar end of the spectrum even as mommy i love that all three of my girls take turns making me breakfast i love that my service dog makes a point of reminding me to do things like eat lunch and take my vitamins every day i love having a skilled leather worker and general contractor on staff to replace our janky appliances with less janky ones and keep my ancestral leather coat it was my dad s and various boots in good repair i love having a little girl who enjoys reading aloud to me i love having multiple people who are willing to chauffeur my non driving ass around town part of me is embarrassed at how much help i need from three entire people no less to just take proper care of myself the other part of me is so grateful that these constant elements of my own mental load have been taken on by others who are willing to poke at me about them and that i have people in my life who are willing to pamper and take care of me it s amazing and i m realizing how much my own brain goes into a not great form of overdrive when i m trying to plan something for one or another of my girls in particular having a couple of my girls respectively take the lead on scenes in rapid succession i m not going to go into details too bad for you but they served to show me that a mixture of a some kind of rejection sensitivity or just boring old fear of rejection and b my very bad habit of overthinking everything has meant that i routinely find myself overwhelmed at the thought of planning and initiating a scene but if someone else hits the metaphorical start button i m happy to take over once we get going i know the title of this post said reflections on dominance and i ll get back to that shortly but i do want to veer slightly into reflections on bdsm topping for a second so shibari i love knitting i love hand spinning up until about four months ago i owned a small but serviceable loom now happily ensconced chez the ottawa spinners and weavers guild fyi i m excited to explore tablet weaving over the course of the coming winter you would think that i would be all over rope topping and yet i balk and balk and balk at learning this stuff even knowing that chances are good the majority of my partners maybe even all of them would be into getting tied up and i think i finally figured out why you can t low key start tying somebody up the way you can low key give someone an experimental nip on the neck to see if a thing they typically enjoy happens to be something they re into today you not only have to put in the days weeks months of practice to get good enough at it to make it fun you also have to pull the rope out and ask you in and then deal with the dread just me okay of having your person go from willing victim to bored annoyed and mentally making a grocery list while you fumble with bights and hitches and stopper knots all terms that i had to look up in order to even write this sentence and maybe get it wrong like i am generally i think pretty solid on we re doing this to have fun and learning new things is good and everybody starts somewhere but wow do those old stereotypes about dommes being stoic pillars of knowledge and skill really start getting loud when the possibility of a partner being bored starts rearing its head apparently fifteen years of being the boss in a variety of forms doesn t preclude one from being afraid of a bad review so to speak but i said i d get back to reflecting on dominance for a long time i ve thought of the big domme energy that i want to embody as being the queen of wands sexy confident and glamourous in charge without micro managing or becoming the stereotype of a never satisfied drill sergeant creative generous and warm sometimes i m able to pull all of this off but frequently i feel like the domme energy i m giving is i m exhausted and distracted and would like to disengage from everything svp i know i m still a domme i know i still enjoy being handed the reins invited to do what i want or to tell someone else to do what i want in a given context i know i like being able to solve a problem or kiss something better i like taking good care of my personal people and encouraging their personal growth i know i still very obviously enjoy being waited on hand and foot and having my personal people take good and luxurious care of me and i still appreciate being given the time space and support to pursue my own personal growth creative projects and so on thanks to my personal people taking on elements of my mental load household tasks and all the rest of it none the less the disengaged exhausted distracted situation feels neither very dominant nor even very present and i can put that down to all sorts of stuff stress or burnout or being overwhelmed by the increasing horrors but at the end of the day i have to ask myself what i m going to do about that so what am i going to do about that one thing i can do is to actually ask for help i can ask my personal people to initiate things that they want right then whether that s offering to read to me or rub my feet laying out toys in the bedroom asking for a slap or a trip to the playground or just enthusiastically kissing my neck so that i don t stymie myself and make things difficult for us by falling into the aforementioned overthinking trap along the same lines i can also ask my personal people for suggestions on what specific things make them feel held or what they d enjoy so that i have a mental list of options you know a bit like those yes no maybe lists that are in every 101 book but less about s m and more about control and belonging to pick from maybe more importantly i can also ask myself that same question if one of my personal people was looking for things that would help me feel large and in charge what would i say being served a meal or even a cup of tea with both intention and attention having someone apply my hair dye or paint my toesnails for me receiving the kind of massage where all i have to do is feel better rather than get turned on and toppy someone using their skills especially but not exclusively skills that i ve encouraged them to cultivate to make me something special someone making the arrangements for a night on the town or a weekend trip because they know that hotel hunting stresses me out or because they already know what i like and can plan an evening within that having someone tailor an outdoor or just physical activity to my level being my spotter at the outdoor workout park taking me for a hike and building in a tonne of rest stops without acting or appearing impatient when i need to make use of them arranging a trip to a scenic trail and packing a fancy snack for the half way point basically i get to be a princess while also getting some exercise someone offering to clean my house for me and thanking me for the opportunity to do so having my chair pulled out for me doing a dynamic themed activity e g playing fetch with my dog having my horse collect me from a modeling poetry gig on the iron horse of her motorcycle making cookies with my babygirl but also being the lead in a slow or not even that slow and simple partner dance and having my follow actually follow having the practical logistics of a trip taken care of so that i m free to plan the fun stuff to site a non sm example on the third day we shall go whale watching you re driving be ready to leave at 8am reading aloud to my personal person from a book i ve picked out and want to share and having them give me their full attention even if they don t know they ll like the book yet planning a fancy dinner out for me and one of my s types where i pick out the clothes that she ll wear order for both of us and set the mood or at least the stage for after the fact in advance giving my personal person a task that is largely for their own benefit and watching them follow through on it consistently hearing yes ma am marmalady mommy as my personal person prioritizes my latest whim giving my personal person a task that is largely for my own benefit especially if it comes with a deadline and watching them meet that deadline and make my life easier just because i said i wanted them to cradling my personal person tenderly and gently and helping them feel safe or doing care giver stuff like applying tiger balm to my tired and achy personal person while instructing her to lie right down relax your calf i ve got you now give me your other foot or what have you being sought out as the person my girls go to for comfort rest and safety getting to call my good girls good girl it s the best beaming with pride when my personal person accomplishes something they put their mind and effort into seeing my personal people wearing things i ve made or chosen for them seriously every necklace i give someone i m in a dynamic with on some level it s a collar particularly if they re head to toe in items i picked out to add to their wardrobes i do occasionally wonder if outfit approval would be something i d enjoy doing at least on occasion these are things i can tell my personal people about and request of them or in some cases just situations i can engineer to help me feel my way back into engaged dominance during times like now when i feel like i m slipping or having a hard time really occupying my own power let alone receiving and directing that of my people tags all about me d s dominance holding power kink polyam polyamoury relationships thinky what makes a domme comment on cultivating conflict intimacy i m bad at it filed under all about me polyamoury 1 comment august 30 2025 so to the surprise of nobody i m on zena sharman s mailing list among so so so many others i m old and i miss lj what can i say and she recently sent out an email about relationship repair and conflict intimacy i recently went from having one nesting partner to having two nesting partners thank all the gods for work visas and getting that process started a whopping two years ago and we ll be looking for a more appropriately sized place to live one with at least as many bedrooms as residents starting in about six months so the idea of conflict intimacy is one that s ringing really familiar over here in her essay zena asks which of my relationships have the highest stakes in terms of my emotional and material security and sense of belonging with whom and under what conditions do i feel the most comfortable engaging in conflict i am as i m sure i ve said before hella conflict avoidant even the mildest disagreements get me up in my amygdala and worrying that everything is going to fall apart for real this time but engaging in conflict with members of my family of origin feels like lower stakes maybe because i don t live with them and don t see any of them all that often or maybe because i spent my childhood bickerin...
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