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window x share on bluesky opens in new window bluesky share on mastodon opens in new window mastodon share on nextdoor opens in new window nextdoor share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on telegram opens in new window telegram share on whatsapp opens in new window whatsapp share on threads opens in new window threads share on facebook opens in new window facebook print opens in new window print share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest email a link to a friend opens in new window email like this like loading featured ask a texan dealing with those pesky californians featured phil strawn 17 comments good downhome and often practical advice for those folks that think they know everything the texan this texan received a letter written on the back of a braum s paper grocery bag braums has the second best ice cream bluebell is the top dog and a2 milk in texas and a lot of folks shop there just to collect the sturdy no nonsense retro brown paper bags with sturdy handles me included it seems that a mr oliver douglas of waco texas has a problem with his new neighbors who moved from california after purchasing the ranchette next to his farm green acres mr douglas i saw your advice column advertised at the local h e b in the grilling section next to the charcoal bags the full size cardboard cutout of you looked really nice and i thought if you use and endorse that brand of local charcoal nuggets then i ll try them too anyhow that s not why i m writing to you my new neighbors chip and brie romero moved in next door about two months ago chip the husband is the great grandson of ceaser romero the famous dead actor they like thousands of others fled that third world commie country of california and came to our blessed state of texas to start a new life and who could blame them i mean that governor with the clint eastwood hair and the robert redford smile has ruined what was once a pretty good place to take a vacation and stare at the movie stars my wife lisa and her friend lisa ziffel spent a week of vacation out there in l a a few years back trying to see paul newman and get his autograph she was plum bummed out when she found out he had been dead for quite a while but she did get to see two of those big butted kardashian women on rodeo drive she asked the most famous kardashian woman how much she paid for those big butt cheek implants and the bodyguard sprayed her with paparazzi pepper spray anyway enough of that small talk our neighbors want to be texans in the worst way but they are annoying californians and will never be able to assimilate into our texas culture they drive a tesla cyber truck instead of a king ranch pickup and have a fancy electric tractor for mowing their lawn they asked us over for supper they called it a dinner party but i call it supper they served us white wine some sushi which is really catfish bait to me some ugly undercooked organic vegetables tofu meatless patties and almond milk ice cream on top of a gluten free rice and kale shortcake i tried to feed most of it to verdell their little weird looking designer dog that hung out under their custom made himalayan wormwood outdoor kitchen table but he took a few bites and puked it up on my new justin boots i gave the little pecker wood a little kick with my boot for doing that and chip lost his crap and threw his glass of expensive white wine on my new lucase pearl snap button shirt and was shrieking like a little girl accusing me of trying to kill verdell his wife cheese girl is filming it all on her iphone and calling their attorney back in la la land my wife alma doesn t take crap from anybody so she grabs cheese girl and throws her into their fancy tibetan monk inspired meditation pond full of these big assed japanese meat eating goldfish and the fish start chewing on cheese girl eb our farm hand hears her screaming and comes to the rescue throwing her a rope and pulling her out of the pond with his john deere tractor he had to drive it through their fancy bamboo fence to save her and that sent chip over the top the meat eating gold fish were still hanging onto her legs and torso and chomping on her so eb shoots them to pieces with his colt pistol and she s screaming that those darn fish cost ten grand each and now he s gonna have to pay for them even though they were eating her like a rack of pork ribs things got worse with the big hole in the bamboo fence their herd of midget horses got out and took off into the woods and haven t been found yet arnold ziffel our intelligent farm pig picked up their scent and tried to find them but no luck yet they have some of these exotic little watusi cows from africa and when they get scared or excited they stand on their hind legs and dance the watusi which they did and danced right into the fancy meditation pond the meat eating goldfish got hold of them and left nothing but some bones and horns now we re being sued by their fancy lawyer for replacing the cows the horses and the goldfish mr haney our friend is acting as our lawyer got any suggestions on how to handle these two morons the texan well mr douglas it appears that green acres is the place to be and those californians with all their valley speak and weird ways couldn t resist moving to texas and bringing their genetic baggage with them a good friend of mine lived in a little town called petticoat junction not too far from where you live a family of californians moved in by him and the lecherous husband kept trying to get my cousins three gorgeous daughters out of that water tank and into his hot tub for some bubbly california fun fun fun his cousin jethro bodine finally had to shoot the sucker and the rest of the family got the hint and moved back to beverley hills californians are akin to folks from the middle east they just can t assimilate and don t get how we texans live and the code of the west i ll send you jethro s cell phone number and he might be able to help you out i m also sending you a cd of one of my favorite movies high noon and two large boxes of cherry bombs so you can use them to make those californians scat back to la la land god bless texas and davy crockett share this share on x opens in new window x share on bluesky opens in new window bluesky share on mastodon opens in new window mastodon share on nextdoor opens in new window nextdoor share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on telegram opens in new window telegram share on whatsapp opens in new window whatsapp share on threads opens in new window threads share on facebook opens in new window facebook print opens in new window print share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest email a link to a friend opens in new window email like this like loading featured tall tales from texas the legend of the mountain boomers of the santa anna mountain featured phil strawn 12 comments at seven years old i learned of my first but far from the last texas legend the best storytellers and liars i ever knew were my two uncles on my mother s side of the family uncles bill and jay manley they are the ones who told my cousins and me about santa anna s mountain boomers my mother believed the two ruined me and turned me into a liar and teller of tall tales which is not such a bad thing the mountain boomers were giant lizards that ran on two legs and came down from their lair on santa anna mountain in search of food anything would do but they were partial to goats wild pigs small cows chickens and tiny humans if you were caught outside in the wee morning hours it was a sure bet a mountain boomer would get you we kids were scared shitless of even going out of the farmhouse after dark now we had giant lizards and the dreaded woolly boogers to deal with with no air conditioning in the farmhouse we were forced to sleep with the windows open and would lay in our beds shaking all night waiting for the monsters to break through the window screen and carry us away our granny was no help her standard goodnight to us was sleep tight and don t let the mountain boomers bite summer evenings on the farm were made for sitting on my grandparents covered porch watching lightning bugs dance listening to the crickets chirp and catching the faraway howls of an occasional coyote pack running the creek that passed through the pastures the sky was black as pitch the milky way as white as talcum powder and heat lighting in the west added to the drama of the evening we kids were ripe for a big one and my uncles never disappointed first homemade ice cream was eaten then the cooler of pearl beer came out and the stories commenced already that june my cousin jerry and i had been to see the hero pig and the three legged chickens and had learned of the dreaded woolly boogers hence we needed a new adventure our summer was losing air like a punctured tire we were tiring of shooting chickens with our daisy bb guns then getting our butts switched by granny did you kids see that over there in the trees across the road i think that might have been one of them mountain boomers says uncle bill in between swigs of pearl then of course we strained our eyes to see what he said he saw but nothing then a few moments later there it goes again i tell you kids that was one of them sumbitches running on two legs carrying a wild pig in its teeth he had us firmly hooked and reeled in then he starts in on the story uncle bill took a swig of pearl and said right down this road here about twenty years ago a family s car broke down ran out of gas i think the daddy a man i knew well walked into town to find some help he left his wife and small son in the car it was late at night so he figured they would sleep until he returned with some gas the little boy got out of the car to pee alongside the road his momma heard him scream and came out of the car in a hurry a 7 foot tall mountain boomer was standing there with the little kid in its mouth the poor boy was already almost chewed in half his guts were hanging out and dragging on the ground the big lizard took off running with the momma chasing it another of them boomers was hiding in the scrub brush and got her too a few days later the sheriff found their bloody remains up on the mountain they knew a mountain boomer had gotten them because they found their tracks that s why we never go outside after midnight around here my other cousins and i were almost pissing our pants when we stayed at the farm i don t believe any of us ever slept well again after that night but even after we were adults my uncles swore the legend and the story were true i still dream of them share this share on x opens in new window x share on bluesky opens in new window bluesky share on mastodon opens in new window mastodon share on nextdoor opens in new window nextdoor share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on telegram opens in new window telegram share on whatsapp opens in new window whatsapp share on threads opens in new window threads share on facebook opens in new window facebook print opens in new window print share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest email a link to a friend opens in new window email like this like loading featured nostalgia for 50s texas memories of fort worth featured phil strawn 17 comments i m a 50s kid that means i was born in 1949 at saint josephs hospital in fort worth texas and grew up in the lean and mean eisenhower years my hometown was different back then as most of our hometowns are today but change is inevitable and it happens at the oddest times while we sleep or mow our lawn progress is sneaky first it s a few new buildings downtown then a slick freeway cutting through quiet neighborhoods and maybe a landmark building demolished to make way for a new hospital then out of nowhere a train full of people from the west or the east is arriving and the pilgrims try to make it not so texas it s a gradual thing and most of us are too occupied or young to notice until it bites us in the rear my grandfather was old school fort worth from the late 1800s a cow puncher who rode the cattle drives and sang cowboy songs to the little doggies he loved his city to a fault the word dallas was not to be spoken in his home or his presence violaters usually got punched or asked to leave the old man was a tough texan and a supporter of amon carter the larger than life businessman that put fort worth on the map and started the rivalry between the two cities in the 1950s if you asked fort worth residents what they thought of dallas they would most likely tell you it s a high on the hog east coast wanna be big shot rich bitch city we didn t sugarcoat it that rivalry was always in your face and at times vicious my father was a country musician and when his band the light crust doughboys had to play in dallas his extended family heaped misery upon him for weeks in october dallas has the state fair of texas and fort worth has the fat stock show in february i didn t attend the state fair until i was ten years old and even then it was in disguise after dark to the fair and back home hoping no one in our neighborhood noticed we had crossed enemy lines unfortunately i let my secret visit slip around my buddies and they banned me from playing cowboys and indians for a week even us kids were tough on each other three things got us kids excited christmastime in downtown fort worth toyland at leonard brothers department store and the fat stock show but unfortunately for us the rest of the year was uneventful and boring summer was pickup baseball games old cartoons on television and blowing up the neighborhood with cherry bombs our pyrotechnics of choice 60 years ago the winters in texas were colder and more miserable february was the month we froze our little gimlet butts off and of course that is the stock show month wrapped up in our roy rogers flannel pajamas under our jeans boots and cowboy hats we kids made the best of it as we visited the midway the cattle barns and animal competitions the rodeo was for the real cowboys and it was too expensive the free ticket from our grade school only went so far we were kids and had not a penny to our name it wasn t the flashy affair that dallas put on but it was ours and we loved it i still have a round metal pin i got at the stock show a lovely picture of aunt jemimah promoting her flour something that would get me canceled or worse in today s clown world i ve often thought of wearing it to my local h e b grocery store to see the reaction maybe not for those of us who were born and grew up there fort worth texas is where the west begins and dallas is where the east peters out nothing has changed share this share on x opens in new window x 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