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site title: Eve's Garden of Eatn' confessions of a nutritionist, yoga instructor and roller derby girl

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Text of the page (random words):
or a cupcake it does not make me good or bad i am more than the food i eat i come to my altar so that i may eat with mindfulness savoring each bite and flavor stopping when i am satisfied and knowing that i can eat again when i am hungry my altar goes with me it is beautiful it is light it is love it is me posted in a course in weight loss diets nutrition uncategorized tagged binging eating disorders marianne williamson purging 3 comments the many faces of eve january 24 2011 by eveofeatn it s taken me over 2 weeks to write about the 2nd lesson thin you meet non thin you in a course in weight loss we are asked to write a letter to our non thin self it was really difficult for me to do this i don t necessarily think i have a thin self and a not thin self for me thin or not thin describe something physical what i was doing with food had nothing to do with my physical appearance it was my perception of my physical appearance that led to a poor relationship with food here is an excerpt from the book there are parts of you the way there are parts of the color blue there is pastel blue which is blue mixed with white there is dark blue which is blue mixed with black there is purplish blue which is blue mixed with red all of them are blue yet they are different hues of one color the one thing they have in common is blue itself there are many different parts of me just like there are many shades of blue there is the confident me the joyous me the depressed me the binging me the purging me the dieting me the over indulgent me the me the eats wisely and the me that eats dysfunctionally but they all make up me the many faces of eve the three faces of eve is a film adaption involving a case study of a woman with multiple personality disorder while i do not have multiple personality disorder i want to address this letter to the me that eats dysfunctionally dear eve that eats dysfunctionally you have been with me for a very long time and you used to be such a bigger part of my life you basically took over many years of my life with all your exercising obsessing about food weighing yourself multiple times daily more exercise more starving more binging more purging i have to hand it to you though you sure know how to put up a fight i thought it would be easy to shut you out but i was wrong i thought i could just will you to stop with this destructive behavior i wished for you to just eat normally and you would appease me for a day or two until your controlling behavior emerged again but as i look back at even those remote normal eating days it was still you that was in control it was just another way for you to control things surrounding eating you were just so powerful after all those years of struggle it was time to surrender even you grew tired of your behavior you were worn out exhausted defeated i realize that it was the willingness to accept you to accept me to accept us that allowed healing to flourish i want to take a moment to apologize to you you were not equipped to handle all the emotions that i dumped on you these controlling behaviors involving food and weight were the only way you knew how to cope i told you many things that might drive you to this i told you if only i was skinner people would like me more i would be happy if i could lose 10 pounds people would accept me if i wasn t fat i told you that my boyfriend broke up with me because i gained weight i can be perfect if i could just fit into a size zero i told you all these things and then some you were only doing what you thought would help it didn t looking back i know those things aren t true but perceptions can easily become reality i hated you for so long but i have learned a lot from you i want you to know that you do not need to resort to such behaviors ever again you are loved accepted and deserving of others love i know you will always be with me you are a reminder of sad times in my life you remind me that it doesn t matter what i weigh it isn t worth all that you remind me that i am not defined by my weight or my jean size you remind me that people like me no matter my size you remind me that there is more to life than dieting over exercising weight binging purging etc there is family friends kitties smiles hugs running because i love to not because i want to lose weight derby massages kisses and much more we ll get through this let s keep on keep n on love the eve that eats wisely posted in a course in weight loss nutrition uncategorized tagged binging eating disorders marianne williamson purging 4 comments tear down this wall january 7 2011 by eveofeatn tear down this wall has become a famous quote by former president ronald reagan when urging the then soviet union to take down the berlin wall to symbolize increasing freedom and so with lesson 1 of the course in weight loss we are asked to tear down our own symbolic walls of suffering and false perceptions that are preventing us from experiencing life and relationships to their fullest while running the berlin marathon this past year i remember pausing as i ran under the brandenburg gate to imagine just how an east german might have felt when they were first allowed to cross under these very gates to the west i am sure i cannot truly comprehend but i suppose they felt as if a weight had been lifted as if a brand new world literally and figuratively had opened up for them i got chills the moment that i crossed under those gates while there was much heartache and suffering that lead up to the tearing down of the berlin wall breaking a physical wall made of bricks is actually much easier than tearing down the emotional wall that we have created for ourselves each brick in our own wall represents some facet of our suffering that we have yet to release for some this wall manifests itself as a wall of fat shielding the sufferer from the world and people around them we console and feed our suffering with food and excess we cannot deal with our anger or fear and instead we try to eat our anger and fear while i may not be overweght i still have a wall that needs some tearing down to be totally free from the power that i give food and weight a course in weight loss presents us with words that represent the bricks of our wall we are asked to reflect on each brick and contemplate whether it pertains to us the words representing these bricks are as follows shame injustice anger protection fear pride unforgiveness selfishness judgment jealousy disdain greed excess responsibility laziness pressure dishonesty exhaustion arrogance burden inferiority stress embarrassment heartbreak self abnegation yep that s it lol it s enough to last me a lifetime i am positive i will come back to this again and again all of these bricks evoked some thoughts for me but the heaviest bricks at this time in my life are those of selfishness judgement pressure and arrogance selfishness i grew up as basically an only child i believe i became selfish because i didn t have to share with anyone as an adult i still carry the need to have things my way on my terms when i want etc and in doing so i sometimes disregard the wants and needs of others i have been working on this with my husband so that even if i don t want to do something he does i still go and do it because he enjoys it it made me wonder the reason that i cannot have peace in seeing another joyful or the reason that it is so hard for me to do what others want to do i think some is that i feel i m wasting my time but in my experience even doing exactly what i want does not make me happy i commit to opening myself up to those around me and experiencing what they enjoy or at least watching them enjoy it judgement that s an ugly one i believe that being so critical of myself has manifested itself in being critical of others after contemplating this oh so heavy brick i believe by reserving judgement of others i may begin to experience a loving and nonjudgemental attitude of myself i am certainly still working on this one pressure i no doubt create this brick for myself it s my need to please and to not dissapoint that creates my pressure i feel that i shouldn t make mistakes in my job at derby at home with my friends and with my weight i put pressure on myself to try to be everything but i end up failing and just fulfilling my own prophecy that i am never enough and am dissappointing i need to allow gentleness to come into my heart i am only 1 person i can only do what i can do i have realized over the last few years that i have a very hard time asking for help it makes me feel that i failed i should be able to do it on my own it makes me weak all of this is not literally true its my perception this year i am going to reach out to a willing hand a listening ear an open heart arrogance for me arrogance is just a branch of judgement i really do not have much confidence in myself so i think my actions of arrogance are a facade of confidence to let others think i am confident when i am really not the arrogance comes off in downgrading others to make myself look better this is not healthy for that person or myself this year i am going to be conscious of others successes and allow them to relish in their success without making them unworthy in my mind this wall wasn t built in a day and it certainly is not going to be destroyed in a day but day by day i will work on these bricks that give me a heavy heart and emotional shield i will definitely still need to revisit lesson 1 time and again and again i appreciate those that are still here with me as you read this long post i am hoping that it provokes some thought for your own growth and provides you with the means to break down your own wall brick by brick posted in a course in weight loss diets nutrition obesity tagged binging eating disorders marianne williamson purging leave a comment a course in weight loss january 4 2011 by eveofeatn as i watched the biggest losers weigh in tonight it was obvious to me that they need so much more than a reality tv show and a famous trainer these people are broken they are depressed they are consoling themselves with food i had been there once but i was able to break free it s their inner turmoil that is creating this outer shell of fat so as new year s diet resolutions fly around the office and the internet i have a resolution for my blog and my practice this year not only for my patients and those that might read this but for myself i will no longer echo the same message that is continually enforced eat more fruits and vegetables less processed foods etc people know this after all these years i for one should know that knowledge is not the answer intellegence will be used in the service of the neurosis sigmund freud i read this phrase the other day and it really spoke to me that is exactly what i did food and controlling food and weight was my neurosis i sought out knowledge of nutrition and exercise and even managed to get a degree in it but did all that knowledge solve all my misery and my poor relationship with food no it really only made it worse now i had the knowledge and with that knowledge came the guilt that i was doing it wrong and the feeling of failure because even with that knowledge i couldn t be as skinny as i wanted to be and so began my downward sprial into an eating disorder although it began long ago recently i saw my course in miracles book sitting on a shelf and thought hmmm maybe i should dust that off i haven t now i ve had this book for about 10 years and have maybe gotten through 7 lessons its pretty heavy both physically and spiritually then my husband and i were at borders and i saw the course in weight loss by marianne williamson coincidence or divine intervention whatever the reason that brought that book and i together i bought it so my blog for this year is working through these 21 spiritual lessons that constitute the course in weight loss it is my journey to ultimately be free of the painstaking messages that i am never enough or i should look like angelina jolie i want to no longer allow certain foods to hold the power to give me comfort or to make me feel guilty i am ready to begin my year of self reflection no matter how uncomfortable it might be my goal would be to do a lesson a week but i must also consider that some lessons may take a little more time i invite anyone to do these lessons with me and we can discuss the shit that comes up right here on my blog i want everyone to be free from the clutches of food and diet obsession which comes in many forms for some its the weight watchers and fad diets for others its feeling that they should be eating organic or no meat or whatever i m jumping are you with me posted in diets fitness nutrition uncategorized tagged a course in weight loss diet marianne williamson 3 comments fatastic foot long burger august 9 2010 by eveofeatn when will the burger wars stop america s waistlines can t take it anymore the newest addition to the king size burger comes from hardee s they have released their 12 inch burger on a couple of test markets in the u s one of which happens to be right here in indiana the 12 inch cheeseburger packs a punch at 850 calories and 20 grams of saturated fat which is a suggested limit of saturated fat for someone trying to reduce their cholesterol levels i was shocked to hear that it was only 850 calories it looks much more extreme however the bk triple whopper trumps the 12 inch burger with 1200 calories even sandwiches at panera bread contain 700 900 calories but the newest burgers seem to get the most attention when it comes to extreme sandwiches although panera bread tries to maintain a healthy persona while hardee s loves spitting in healthy s face i am sure indiana is eating the foot long burger up and it will be unleashed on the rest of america very soon i predict a triple 12 inch burger in the near future any gamblers out there posted in fast food nutrition obesity tagged 12 inch burger hardee s leave a comment my 1st roller derby anniversary august 4 2010 by eveofeatn i can t believe it it s been a year since i tried out and became a naptown roller girl what an unbelievable experience and for those of you wondering a roller derby year is the same as a regular calendar year but with more bruises in july of 2009 i entered roller derby workshops i was 33 years old and hadn t been on quad skates since the roller dome parties in grade school you do the math i owned no skates i purchased used skates from craigslist i think they cost me 25 needless to say i was pretty awful the first day and for many days after for that matter i hadn t skated in years and had the slowest wheels known to man even slower than sugars i remember being so tired from working so hard i would like to add that i was training for a marathon then so i was in pretty good shape my friend who eventually became known as freddie cougar and i rented skates they were about mid calf and the old school roller rink kind still very slow tha...
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