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explained the mask my great grandfather was one mean indian sumbitch and had so many notches on the handle of his colt that it gave him a palm rash my grandmother still a teen and before she married was rumored to have had many moonlight walks along the banks of the canadian river with the famous chief quanah parker and to have been running buddies with tiberius offspring the infamous outlaw belle starr the granddaughter of the departed alamo hero tiberius straughn which was somehow through blood relations or irreputable relations tied into my fathers family mother was never quire sure of how it worked out and didn t care to know my grandmother showed belle how to make buffalo blood pudding and dutch oven biscuits and belle taught my granny how to fast draw and fire a pistol granny caught the mischievous chief in a delicate position with belle and out of meanness shot off quanah s pinky toe right through his custom made buffalo hide boot tiberius before he made his way to the alamo traveled with lewis and clark up the missouri river into no man s land and being part indian but mostly scottish was able to communicate with the somewhat friendly tribes they encountered not all the indians were jovial and lewis and clarke had to dispel many of the ornery ones cousin tiberius s favorite indian lady was sacagawea a stunning young shoshone woman who joined the expedition as an interpreter and guide long dark hair that glistened in the sun high cheekbones deep green eyes and a strong but curvy figure she was a knockout dressed in those buckskins tiberius was smitten to the point of lustful stupidity allowing his youthful obsession with sacagawea to affect his duties so lewis and clarke relieved him of his charge and sent him back down the river in a borrowed bark canoe a few years later he found himself in south central texas baking buckwheat bread and sticky cinnamon buns for the new texians coming from the east by chance he ran into an old acquaintance david crockett and his band of long rifle tennesseans who convinced tiberius to join up with them to help with a little skirmish down in south texas at a little mission called the alamo tiberius still smarting from a broken heart felt obliged to join up with the gang of rabble rousers upon arrival through the gates of the mission tiberius figured old davy had sold him a bag of rotten apples this was no small squirmish but a certain death sentence across the shallow san antonio river thousands of mexican grenadiers sat polishing their bayonets eating frijoles tacos and singing songs all fueled by a few wagon loads of tequila and loco weed el rancho grande seemed to be the favorite sing along led by general santa anna playing his gut string spanish guitar tiberius quickly converted an old adobe oven to bake some bread and rolls and stiles cooked up a few hogs and served the hungry army the first bbq sandwiches in texas angus shiner furnished the beer veronica baird having known tiberius for a year or so sneaked down to the river had a bath washed her hair with lye soap and waltzed around from behind the oven giving tiberius the shock of his life sacagawea was now a footnote in history who could resist a woman who smelled like a cinnamon bun the next few days were intense bullets flew cannon balls exploded mexicans climbed ladders up the outside mission walls only to be repelled but resistance could only last so long and the enemy army breached the walls and sat about killing all the texans tiberius augustus and stiles fought with all they had laddels spoons knives baker s paddles kicking and biting but in the end they were killed veronica baird along with the other women were spared and escorted from the mission veronica spotted santa anna about to take a bite from one of her cinnamon buns grabbed a rock chunked it and knocked the delicacy from the general s hand his dog mucho pero ate the bun in one gulp my recollection might not be the most bravado exploit but it got me into the lodge and a coonskin cap share this share on x opens in new window x share on bluesky opens in new window bluesky share on mastodon opens in new window mastodon share on nextdoor opens in new window nextdoor share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on telegram opens in new window telegram share on whatsapp opens in new window whatsapp share on threads opens in new window threads share on facebook opens in new window facebook print opens in new window print share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest email a link to a friend opens in new window email like this like loading featured the news had it wrong i m still alive featured phil strawn 23 comments i ve received a few emails asking where i ve been the reports in the papers and internet news are false i am not deceased in any way not having reached room temperature still able to walk upright not being carried or anything similar and i didn t wake up dead i have been blogging for over twelve years without much of a break so i have been on a break i recently became reinvolved with my second favorite instrument the mandolin i learned it as a child walked away from it for rock n roll guitar but have not reconnected with the tiny instrument and needed some time to re familiarize myself with it i had no idea how hard that would be four strings doubled to eight tuned like a violin eadg nothing like a guitar of which i have played since age 12 how hard could it be right well for a 76 year old man it s damn hard and then some but i have played twice with my church band and report that the little wee beast is now my friend again and all is well i will resume my ridicule and poking the bear as well as tall tales from texas in a few days the second big thing in my life is that rats and mice took up residence in momo s hot tub and did some considerable damage to the water lines i have set traps and poison to ensure their demise but a few defenders remain to be dealt with i think the term rat wars is a good description my son is sending me a nice 12 gauge shotgun to help in the battle but i fear the shot will do more damage to the tub than the rodents momo is afraid i will shoot my one good foot off then i will be pulled around in a western flyer wagon with a drool sponge taped to my chin and she will be the one doing the pulling i ll keep you all posted on the epic battle share this share on x opens in new window x share on bluesky opens in new window bluesky share on mastodon opens in new window mastodon share on nextdoor opens in new window nextdoor share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on telegram opens in new window telegram share on whatsapp opens in new window whatsapp share on threads opens in new window threads share on facebook opens in new window facebook print opens in new window print share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest email a link to a friend opens in new window email like this like loading featured upon becoming mark twain my time as a dead author featured phil strawn 18 comments photo by ansel adams when i was young and started to read books real books not the comics my friends read and i had no interest in i discovered mark twain i thank my late aunt norma my father s older sister for that she gently guided me into a world of imagination through a masterful author she taught me to read and write at the age of five she was an avid reader of great literature mickey spillane and mike hammer were her favorites as was any trashy romance novel available armed with a book smart salty vocabulary i was king of the neighborhood and it didn t take long for the mothers to come knocking on our door my mother threw a world class hissy fit and demanded aunt norma change my reading material that s how i discovered mark twain after reading the adventures of tom sawyer and huckleberry finn i knew what i wanted to be when i grew up i was going to be mark twain it didn t matter to me that almost a hundred years earlier he had already been mark twain i was set on becoming him me a six year old with limited writing ability however i did have a colorful imagination so that was a good start it wasn t that i couldn t write by the age of eight i wrote exceptionally well for my age but i didn t possess the mind of mr twain i hadn t known tom sawyer or jim or huckleberry or lived on the banks of the mighty mississippi river i was a landlocked kid stuck in fort worth texas with a dozen big chief tablets and a handful of no 2 pencils i read other authors as well but they weren t mr twain jack london was a bit scary and there were too many wild animals that i imagined living under my bed john steinbeck was a masterful storyteller and i did make it through most of the grapes of wrath which mirrored what my grandparents and father had lived through i continued to write on my tablet i didn t knowingly plagiarize any author but they did give me good ideas and taught me to group words into a story i busied myself writing childish exploits of myself and my neighborhood gang of friends i was certain that the fort worth press would give me a column and perhaps a few bucks for my stories i churned them out at a fevered pace sending one a week to the publisher a year passed and i gave up i still wrote and my editor my mother filed them away in a drawer the day my class let out for christmas vacation my teacher asked the class to share what we wanted to be when we grew up it wasn t a serious exercise only one to kill the last 30 minutes of the school day the usual vocations for our age group were doctors firemen policemen and some girls who wanted to be teachers or nurses when my turn came i stood up and announced with all seriousness that i was mark twain mrs badger my teacher promptly informed me that there was already a mark twain and that he had been dead for a while now i answered yes i know but his spirit requires that i continue on with his writings and wit so i am the reincarnation of mark twain i was in the principal s office within a few minutes the principal a kindly old fellow understood my affliction and because i was earnest about it he backed off a bit when administering the paddle my teacher bless her old maid heart never cared for me after that and treated me like a leper to make myself feel better i blew up her mailbox with a cherry bomb my aunt norma was overjoyed when i told her of my plans and my new affliction she went so far as to make me a tailored white linen suit and gave me one of my uncle s large cigars to complete the ensemble my parents weren t thrilled my mother blamed my father since his extended family was street rat crazy from drinking homemade hooch and she was certain i inherited this malady from him she seemed to have forgotten that her two brothers had turned me into a habitual liar and teller of tall tales there were some whispered discussions about doctors and bad family genetics but i paid no attention to that adult chatter after a few months i discovered earnest hemingway i never became mark twain except in my daydreams or nightmares but i did learn to appreciate good writing and stories share this share on x opens in new window x share on bluesky opens in new window bluesky share on mastodon opens in new window mastodon share on nextdoor opens in new window nextdoor share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on telegram opens in new window telegram share on whatsapp opens in new window whatsapp share on threads opens in new window threads share on facebook opens in new window facebook print opens in new window print share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest email a link to a friend opens in new window email like this like loading the legend of little moses a texas rancher s tall tale featured phil strawn 13 comments little moses of texas with his herd of followers my grandfather on the left and his friend hymie rothstein with his horse miss golda hymie rothstein departed the old country new york city in 1910 driven by a fierce longing to carve out a life as a cattle rancher armed with a tidy sum of money a gift from his father he purchased 500 acres of ranch land between weatherford and mineral wells filling the vast plains of texas with 500 head of hereford cattle in a nod to his roots he named the ranch the flying menorah a tribute to his mother s enduring spirit his mother s cousin in new york a man of ambition and impeccable taste owned a fine restaurant in manhatten he made an agreement with hymie to provide kosher meat for his clientele that desired it hymie not one for shouldering piety found himself adrift in the ways of raising kosher cattle he took his best shot his only shot he instructed his hands to don traditional yarmulkes and grow their beards long as if the mere outward appearance would somehow sanctify the herd on fridays just before the onset of the sabbath he would wheel a wagon through the pastures a local rabbi perched in the back chanting blessings over the cattle and the land itself hymie in his complacency assumed some transformative power in these rituals however the rabbi was paid twenty five dollars for his solemnity and kept his thoughts on the insufficiency of such blessings close to his vest a buck is a buck it was then that hymie seeking to nurture and grow his herd purchased a massive hereford bull from a neighboring ranch the rancher who sold the bull warned hymie that the bovine suffered from a restless spirit and could not be contained by mere wire fences the bull s wildness seemed almost elemental he broke through barbed wire as if it didn t exist suggesting desperation and freedom to roam hymie named the bovine little moses as december descended into winter a blue texas norther swept across the prarie enveloping it in a foot of snow it was two days before hymie s ranch hands could reach the cattle and when they finally did they found the herd had vanished into the vastness leaving only a gaping break in the fence little moses with his insatiable desire to roam had led the others away into the boundless prairie worry filled the air as the cowboys scoured the land for trails only to lose their way in the rugged hills frantic hymie called upon the local sheriff jd ramses to put out an alert for the missing cattle a flyer caricaturing a group of smiling cows decorated every telephone pole and storefront in town the sheriff alerted law enforcement in the surrounding counties the poster added a comic touch in desperate times reports trickled in from west texas of a large number of cattle seen crossing route 66 a week ago hymie and his men doggedly pursued the herd picking up cow tracks outside of lubbock thirty nine days had passed and the exhausted cowboys were ready to return home on the fo...
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