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description= fiction & poetry by ian cusack;
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ivion behind closed doors with wine and whiskey healthy lifestyle options letting leisure hours slip by like fine sand falling through a weak fist my time was all my own and i couldn t even give it away once the bank holiday weekend was over there came the realisation i couldn t go back to graft at the start of september the thought of spending my days atelic and akinetic on menial data entry tasks a reasonably sentient monkey could do with their eyes shut while being micromanaged by that shower of pedantic humourless bureaucrats gave me the absolute horrors terrified by the prospect couple of days of generalised agitation insomnia isolation pacing the floor until i got it together enough to call the doctor stayed on hold for 10 minutes listened to vivaldi played on a digital watch got through to the receptionist who did her job to the letter by not allowing me to speak to any qualified medical professional about my burgeoning mental illness left on hold again until she d sorted me a prescription for tablets i had no intention of collecting never mind taking as well as the golden egg a month s sicknote depression and anxiety caused by work related stress digital signature emailed it to me on the friday afternoon sent it on to my boss knowing she d not open it until monday morning at the earliest turned my phone off sunday night to be on the safe side slept badly from 4 00 until noon as had become the routine welcome to self selected solitary confinement no more abrasive meritocratic glowering from behind a desk for the time being kept the curtains shut in the lounge and front bedroom trips to the recycle bin under cover of darkness started to do online shops until i got barred by tesco after almost starting on the delivery driver for forgetting a tray of stuff i d paid for but didn t get money got refunded goodwill didn t had to register with morrisons instead proper solid yorkshire goodness great bakery section they don t let you down just as well really as pointless confrontation was becoming my new hobby i d lost the ability to talk to anyone properly at home at work anywhere terse exchange of emails with one of the higher ups at work about my disappointing absence negotiated a weekly kit keeping in touch meeting with a team leader by phone a trio of unproductive calls every thursday her frustrated me monosyllabic vague threats that work may not be able to support any further extended period of absence sighed and accepted a phased return after a month working from home as a reasonable adjustment for maladjusted me further reason to keep the front porch in permanent darkness wish they d just offer me a compromise deal and the lumper didn t just sack off the job social life too drinks and a pizza invite from junior school facebook group for a saturday night do celebrating 40 years since we left for the comp wanted to go even dressed up smart for it detailed shave and that ironed a shirt ended up staying home when the nerves kicked in opted to do 3 bottles of pinot grigio from the wine club instead didn t make extensive tasting notes for the feedback form though next afternoon rough as fuck and squinting at the screen got a friend request from carly roberts year below me nana lived on the next street when we were bairns accepted it as she d always been a looker back in the day though i probably hadn t seen her since her cousin jayne o connor s 21 st do at the columba club in the mid 90s when tony hodgson had glassed some porcine lout for looking at him funny which had brought proceedings to a premature close those were the days my friends cherished memories within half an hour there was a long message from her always wondered what happened to carly never really in her circle of pals so didn t know who to ask twelve months was a long stretch of time back then dynastic generational her and jayne were ballroom dancing obsessives nicknamed fred and ginger even though carly had the blackest of hair cut in an uma thurman long bob you know pulp fiction 1994 and that john travolta shot dead while having a shite poor cunt forgot all about her eventually other than the odd ham shank back when i regularly got it up and the old lad could function properly was surprised when she said straight off that she was disappointed i d not been at the anniversary bash as she d been looking forward to catching up who d have thought it she d tagged along with her jayne long married to the porky failure with faint scarring under his left eye where she d been stopping for the weekend friday night out in town with the lasses confused how all the bars had changed in nigh on 30 years semi gatecrashed the facebook do hoped we could hook up next time she was over this way or if you ever find yourself in my neck of the woods just to make sure we kept in contact she shared her phone number and email address as well as adding me on x and insta age sex and location all confirmed carlisle apparently this was getting curious didn t reply immediately preferred to do a bit of research on her got this natural flair for the old on line stalking found her soon enough on a rake of dating and shagging sites as geordiecarly single and gagging for it so it seemed looking for no strings fun on some serious relationships on others knocked a decade off her age as everyone does decent set of photos to scroll through looking good for her age a few pretty headshots smiling then buried beneath the first page for registered subscribers of course i am the usual sexy selfies basque suspenders and knee high boots in both red and black very heavy make up provocative pout good enough for only fans or so i ve been led to believe definitely worth a trip across the a69 so sent her a friendly non committal sort of reply that contained a bowdlerized precis of my own travails these past 3 decades made it clear i was single but kept quiet about having been on the pat mick in case it scared her off being a borderline nutter isn t a good look when you ve not had your leg over since before lockdown anti depressants plentyoffish membership and a vape with a big tank the essential triumvirate for all ageing losers borderline type 2 diabetes as well she didn t reply until the next night by which time i d already gone through the whole narrative scenario of us falling head over heels shagging like fuck getting married and living happily ever after then promptly dismissed all such thoughts as she d probably mixed me up with someone else although the fact she d got my name right and saw what i looked like now fb profile pic taken in mid july and i d shifted about a clem since then at the gym before reaching out made me consider the possibility this was a potential love and romance scenario she wrote another long message story was she d disappeared all those years ago after meeting a bloke on holiday in corfu with the lasses and ran off to live with him he was a career squaddie a decade older than her divorced no kids kept things simple at the outset i suppose they d ended up in dumfries as he was permanently stationed at some munitions testing site in kirkcudbright at first they were happy and he gave her a couple of bairns over the years but when he came out the regs the bright lights of lincluden didn t do it for him he fucked off back down to the west midlands where he was from leaving her with the bairns a mortgage and no real income part time on the tills at asda had been her career opportunity no support network but fair play to her she brought the kids up alone did evening classes before training to be a nurse came back to england to study university of cumbria son was 23 and in the army talented kickboxer daughter was 19 and doing a performing arts course at college because she was an aspiring dancer which made a load of genetic sense apples not falling far from the tree come fucking dancing you cunt i didn t say that like didn t want to shit the bed before i d had a chance to lie in it by the next weekend we d moved it up a couple of notches swapping from fb messenger to whatsapp and then to actually speaking on the phone big step for me had to put her on speaker phone as my sweaty palms couldn t grip the handset nice chat made her laugh talked about loads nowt dirty on my best behaviour trying to hide my desperation first time i d heard her voice in three decades clean and clear got a bit slurred by the end of our chats tired after long shifts i suppose obviously not a smoker unlike that older bird from darlo with incipient copd who i pulled one time she ll be about 70 now if she s still around thought she d died on me at least twice when i was giving her the nail put me clean off my stroke bad move since my hard ons have always been semis at best even with the little blue pills always meant to get a bedside defibrillator installed for such eventualities but there never were any other such eventualities not since the pangolin plague made me the oldest incel in town work was still shit the phased return was over back full time so effectively chained to the house 24 7 hence the daily chats with carly were becoming more important as a distraction technique about the only other person i talked to was big frankie who regularly checked in once he knew i was having a bad time he d always had my back since i first got to know him through the football played on the same sunday team for years started to watch the local amateur side walkergate park when we got too old to kick a ball around and too poor to afford anything other than the odd league cup tie at sjp a bit like eric burdon he was suggesting i came back to walker decent standard of football a fiver in and the chance to pick up with old pals total coincidence their away game on the october international weekend was carlisle city and there was a bus on fucking kismet or what by the second monday in october carly had confided how desperately lonely she was over there now the kids were grown up she d signed up for the dating sites in the hope of finding romance but ended up settling for sympathy one off humps with a series of players who d let her down well if she was getting them from carlisle united i wasn t surprised as they d recently fallen out of league 2 i tried not to be one of them appeared supportive reassuringly romantic in a cack handed way seemed to work as me and her were ending our late night calls by blowing kisses and yawning at each other corny i know but i was really wanting to turn them into real ones so taking a leap into the unknown i mentioned i would be over her way the next saturday obviously i didn t ask her to the game but floated the prospect of meeting up i thought you d never ask were her exact words and i nearly passed out as all the blood rushed to my cock everything was going like a lovely dream she was on nights on friday so could go home and sleep before i called round the son was obviously away on some far flung posting and the daughter was dancing in a competition with her squad in manchester and wouldn t be back until sunday afternoon i pushed the boat out and suggested we get a hotel not sure there were any in carlisle that weren t bail hostels or halfway houses but carly nixed this asked her if she wanted to go out for a meal but she said we should stop in with a takeaway and a carry out to get to know each other better sounded great to be honest cheaper as well spoke again every day with things getting amorous though not excessively rude was still struggling to stop from having a tug both on the phone and after but reasoned that since my sexual performance was generally so inadequate i d best not risk shooting my load in case i couldn t get it up properly at the weekend rummaged in the bedside cabinet and found a couple of blueys they might be out of date but i was taking them with me for insurance purposes last conversation was friday night before she went on shift everything was set finally gave me her address should have sent some flowers from amazon prime to arrive saturday morning though that might have come across a bit too keen turned out the game was taking place only half a mile from her place so i could get the drink at full time and we could grab a just eat banquet at our leisure of course i d the football to negotiate before the happy ever after up early on the saturday showered extensively shaved forensically wore my best gear and packed the second best outfit on the off chance sunday dinner was on the cards took a sachet of wet wipes in case i needed to download some software to avoid the prospect of chocolate kisses on my boxers you needed to be prepared the other lads on the coach were a box of cruzcampo each minimum except me with a litre and a half of highland spring soft cunt as i was called by the assembled elderly traditionalists in chunky italian designer knitwear the gate s away following had long consisted of the 50 hardest blokes in ne6 so the ambience that morning was far from the romantic evening i had planned for later kept that to myself of course didn t even tell frankie we got to the ground early the rest of the lads dived in the bar an hour spare before kick off so i had a mooch about the environs back up the road and left before the shops was carly s street at the edge of harraby estate didn t investigate further in case i got spotted and came across as a weirdo google told me harraby was the most deprived ward in the city and ridgemount crescent had the highest incidence of anti social behaviour on the estate lovely on just about every lamp post there was an england flag same as berwick i guess these frontier retards fear a cultural invasion from north of the border rather than overseas pricks anyway i was here now and going to make the most of it exciting experiences are few and far between especially when you re a borderline impotent pen pusher with worse prospects than the conservative party game wasn t bad gate won 2 1 controlled it with a goal in each half the opposition pulled one back late on but despite an age of stoppage time we held out final whistle the park traditionalists piled back in the bar and i made my excuses to big frankie told him i was on a promise sly cunt he grinned as i sloped off rather than phoning i texted carly as i walked saying i was on my way asked what she wanted to drink wine beer vodka and coke anything you fancy babe xxx always one to satisfy the ladies i did as asked tried to get her some flowers and maybe a box of chocolates no dice from the semi derelict spar on the corner coated in royal blue bcf graffiti as well as the usual local bulletins informing all that jacko is a nonce and how we should beware of bobby the grass it sold drink and junk food so i got plenty of the former welcome to england s border city struggled down her street like an alcoholic deliveroo bloke who d lost his bike a box of stella three assorted casillero del diablo best stuff they had a litre of greygoose i m no cheapskate and two big bottles o...
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